Feeling like I am responsible for my partners death….

[Jasmine7908]

How do I deal with intense guilt over my boyfriend’s death? I am struggling so so bad and need support so much. 
 

It is a very long story… that maybe I should write about? We were fighting and I didn’t let him stay the day before Thanksgiving… and he wrecked and died that night drinking and driving to my house and I am so lost and devastated!!!!!!!!!!

[Loriii]

Hi Jasmine. I'm truly sorry about your loss. If you feel like talking about it then please do if it makes you feel better. I know it won't be easy to just say "It makes you feel better" since I don't feel better myself (I just lost my girlfriend recently) but if you want to let it all out then let it all out. It might help you. People here are very nice and supportive and we understand what you are going through. Please remember that you are not alone. Sending tight hugs to you >

[KayC]

@Jasmine7908  I am so sorry.  It does help to post here, even just knowing others are here to listen and care.  What would you tell a friend going through this?  It's important to tell yourself the same thing.  This is a time when you need your own compassion and understanding and patience most of all.  We welcome you here and hope you'll continue to read and post, you are not alone.

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Jennifer Uren]

On 1/21/2022 at 1:42 PM, Jasmine7908 said:

It is a very long story… that maybe I should write about? We were fighting and I didn’t let him stay the day before Thanksgiving… and he wrecked and died that night drinking and driving to my house and I am so lost and devastated!!!!!!!!!!

I am so sorry for your loss. I have dealt with extreme feelings of guilt wondering if I contributed to my fiancé’s death. He passed away November 22nd but got sick with Covid in September. 2 days before he tested positive we had an argument and I was sick and started feeling better and eventually did get better. I expected him to do the same and didn’t believe he was as sick as he was. He was a nurse and I assumed he would know when he needed to seek medical attention so I just didn’t realize how he was progressing. I have a lot of guilt. I am lucky in that he tested negative for Covid a few days after going into the hospital so I was able to stay with him and we did get to “clear the air” for lack of a better term. He ended up getting several hospital acquired pneumonias and passed away after 60 plus days of being in the hospital. Although I was able to tell him I love him before he passed I STILL have extreme guilt. I still feel like I should have done better. I should have done more. I think about arguments we had during our relationship or how I would sleep in a different room if he snored too loud and I feel so angry at myself. I wonder if he left this world knowing how much I truly loved and appreciated him and how bad I miss him. I feel like he knows but sometimes the negative thoughts get to me.

 I’m sure your boyfriend knows how much you love him. I’m terribly sorry you’re going through this. It’s a horrible feeling thinking we caused or contributed to our loved one’s deaths. Guilt is part of grief. I think we all feel it during the process no matter how they left us. Please don’t get stuck in the guilt. Use the tools KayC posted. Negative thoughts just fuel the fire that causes our grief. Reach out as often as you can. We are all here for you.