It helped me. Maybe it'll help you.

[GaryAllen]

Background.  I lost my wife of 28 years, we were together 30 years, last May 2021.  It was unexpected and she was in good health.  It hasn't been easy and this forum helps.  Family and friends try to help and say the right things.  Truth is there is no right thing except say nothing and just listen every now and again. 

Now: I'm 1/2 a person, that is a reality and the rest of my life is just an effort to increase that to something livable and meaningful.   I've moved forward with a new relationship through an old friendship. It's different and difficult at times because my frame of reference is shaped by someone who is gone so it can be unfair to a new relationship. Nobody's fault but just a real thing that you have to work out.  

What's helped:   Reading some books, mostly regarding death and spirituality.  Now that I'm on this side of the conversation I find myself asking better questions that I want answers to.  On YouTube several people have good channels regarding widowhood but specifically some about dating a widower that provided some good advice for others but good retrospective insight for me on what's happening to me and through me to what to expect next.  It's not just about dating but relating to someone who is dealing with this loss.   Also, remarkably, I heard about a tv show called "After Life" on Netflix with Ricky Gervais that has helped voice some things I feel inside.  Yes, it's a show for entertainment purposes so it's not reasonable to expect spirituality and so forth.  It's English humor so that takes some interpretation too.  However, for me, it helps.  Maybe these things can help you.  I don't know but it's a start.   

 

[her_chrissy]

4 hours ago, GaryAllen said:

 Also, remarkably, I heard about a tv show called "After Life" on Netflix with Ricky Gervais that has helped voice some things I feel inside

I've heard of this show, and would like to check it out as well, although want to do so slowly in case anything is triggering. Have you heard of "I'm Sorry for your Loss", about a sudden death of a woman's husband and her efforts to understand him after his death. Was wondering if it's useful and was thinking of trying it. Thank you for sharing your insights. I'm sorry for what's happened to you, but I admire your efforts to move forward while obviously still living with grief and loss. My best, brother. -c

[GaryAllen]

Have not heard of that but I will check it out.  Thanks.  

[annie123]

Sorry for your loss,Gary.   I plan to watch that show as well.

[KayC]

On 1/20/2022 at 7:12 AM, GaryAllen said:

Truth is there is no right thing except say nothing and just listen every now and again.

So true.  Their placations however well meant can actually hurt as people say very inappropriate things in the effort to "make us feel better."  NOTT!

I haven't seen that show, will have to look for it...

I am so sorry for your immense loss, I know it to be the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and that says a lot...I've been through a lot in my life.  I am very glad you found this site, this is a very caring group of people, who get it and understand.  It helps knowing we aren't crazy or haven't lost it yet.

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[annie123]

Gary Allen,

I just finished the second season of  Afterlife.  So touching at times, it brought tears to my eyes.  And so funny at times that I laughed out loud.

Thank you for mentioning it, I am really enjoying  it.  I love the British humor and Ricky Gervais is awesome!!  I look forward to season three!!!

 

[annie123]

I just finished watching season 3 of the Afterlife.  Cried thru most of the last episode.  I think it really portrays the sadness and grief, that we all on this site can relate to.  I also think that it entertains the idea of moving forward with hope........and gratitude, how lucky were we, to have been able to spend precious time , with someone we loved and who in return, loved us.  At least, that is my take on it.

[William M]

I watched a few episodes. I think I might watch some more.

[Jen H]

Just watched the first episode after finishing a miniseries.  Definitely funny but very relatable.  You really feel yourself in him and it pains your heart but then the humor comes and you laugh out loud.