I just don’t know what to do!!!!!!!!

[IL2]

I lost my fiancé one month ago on the 15th. I’m totally lost without him!!!! I can’t talk to anyone on this earth like I could talk to Mallory. Then on the first I went to the hospital with a kidney stone and found out I have a 4 cm spot on my kidney that didn’t pass the stone. I’ve had all labs done and will go back on the 25th to see if it’s cancer or not, my oldest dog that will turn 14 in June is about to pass or I’m gona have to put her to sleep. My next oldest dog is 11 and I just found out she has congestive heart failure. REALLY????? I am my sons only parent on this earth because my husband passed in 05 so I don’t know to tell them when I get the results this coming Tuesday if it is Cancer. I never thought I’d love again. Then Mallory showed up and has been my love and best friend ever since 2014. I can’t hold him or be held by him I can’t get that great big hug that he would always give me I can’t talk to him I can’t call him. I’m alone keeping all of this bundled up inside because I don’t want my sons to worry. I have told my mom but I don’t know that I will tell her the results unless they come out good. I feel as though I’m getting attacked in every area of my life right now. I go to work and put on my business face and I work long hours which really doesn’t bother me now that I get to come home and be alone. I have decided that I’m not going to stay drunk like I did when my husband passed. I do drink one or 2 on the weekends lately. I just don’t know what to do!!!!!!!!! The people at my work know about the kidney stone but I can’t dare say a word about my other kidney because I can’t risk them feeling as though they would have to hire someone for my position because someone has to be in my position at all times and I can’t afford to loose my job or my insurance. Why can’t he be with me to go through all of this???? I’ll never on this earth be able to tlk to Mallory especially when I need him the most. I’ve hung onto my faith that all will be well. It’s getting harder and harder to do. I’m sure I need to read my Bible more. I did yesterday but not as much as I should instead I never left my house and watched movies on my only day off so that my mind would be on other things somewhat. I don’t know I guess I just needed to say all of that because I just needed to get all of that off of my chest. I know each and everyone of y’all are going through your own grief. Thanks for letting me just have a place to throw it all out there

[Kay2021]

I am so sorry to hear that you have so much to worry about when you are already extremely distressed with your loss. I feel the weight on your shoulder and your heavy heart and I cry with you as well. How hard it must be, yet I don't know how I can comfort you in this difficult time. I know nothing helps but please stay strong. I pray that the results are good. 

 

[KayC]

IL2 I am in deep sorrowful tears as I read this, you just have too much at once.  I'm sure it's your son that keeps you going, thank God for that.  Please hold on, things WILL get better, I remember going through one of my roughest spots in my life, it felt horrible even though not nearly as crushing a load as you are carrying, I used to tell myself everyday, "It won't be like this forever."  And it wasn't.  But at the time it FELT like it!  I was going through a divorce after 23 years of marriage, had two teenagers at home, getting horrible harassment at work from the boss' sister, cast out of my church and lost every friend I'd had for we years!  A neighbor called me at work and told me she wished my husband had stayed and I had left!  Of course none of them knew my side, he was garnering sympathy while I was hibernating.  I was getting hate mail and my daughter screened my calls.  

I thought I knew horrible, but I married George and we were SO HAPPY and then he suddenly died!  THAT was horrible!!!  But you are facing not only that but so much more.  I just went through a cancer scare (posted about in the stress thread)...I pray with you that this is NOT cancer!!!  How long until you get the biopsy back?  They told me up to two weeks but thankfully I found out yesterday (they removed part of it Thursday).

I wish I was there to give you a hug, Covid be damned!  So sorry, dear friend!

[Jennifer Uren]

IL2, My heart goes out to you. I’m my case it seems that when I deal with tragedy things just come crashing down all at once. It’s so unfair. The loss of my fiancé has left me so lost without any direction. On top of this I’ve been harassed by his dad who was barely a part of Jay’s life because he has anger issues. Although I know I shouldn’t let it get to me it does. He’s said some very hurtful things that just adds to my pain. I have had medical scares in the past and can’t begin to imagine how stressful it must be for you right now. There will be no one who can support you the way Mallory did but you do have people here that care. Please keep reaching out and keep us posted.

[Roseapple]

It’s really not fair. You have so much to deal with. How old are your sons? Don’t underestimate them, I’m sure they live you a lot and would do anything to support you through this. 
L. decided often for me, what I can handle or from what he needed to protect me and I wish he hadn’t. I wish he would have told me right away how serious it really was and then later how much the chemo effected him. 
I really hope you soon have some good news for us and if not we will be here to listen to you and write back to you. From across the world in some cases even. I hope this place here helps you in some ways. 
I’m not a religious person, I would say probably spiritual. I don’t think it’s about how much read the Bible, it is what is in you and what you feel around you. This love is not bound in a book it is around you, in your animals and in your kids. 
i sometimes close my eyes and take a deep breath and try to sort all my feelings, often the feelings are too overwhelming and I have to accept it, but I always feel how much he loved me and how much I still love him. 
It’s been 2 month for me 2 days ago and he was the first person I loved and lost 

[Roseapple]

Oh and I hope you don’t understand me wrong, I meant I don’t want you to feel bad about reading the Bible less or for your feeling not enough. If it gives you comfort when you it is good of course, but you shouldn’t feel bad ❤️

[IL2]

16 hours ago, Kay2021 said:

How hard it must be, yet I don't know how I can comfort you in this difficult time.

I know what you mean. I thank you for just being here

12 hours ago, KayC said:

Please hold on, things WILL get better, I

I pray they do

[IL2]

6 hours ago, Jennifer Uren said:

you. I’m my case it seems that when I deal with tragedy things just come crashing down all at once. It’s so unfair

I feel the same way and I’m sorry for your loss and you having to put up with his dad

[IL2]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

IL2 I am in deep sorrowful tears as I read this, you just have too much at once.  I'm sure it's your son that keeps you going, thank God for that.  Please hold on, things WILL get better, I remember going through one of my roughest spots in my life, it felt horrible even though not nearly as crushing a load as you are carrying, I used to tell myself everyday, "It won't be like this forever."  And it wasn't.  But at the time it FELT like it!  I was going through a divorce after 23 years of marriage, had two teenagers at home, getting horrible harassment at work from the boss' sister, cast out of my church and lost every friend I'd had for we years!  A neighbor called me at work and told me she wished my husband had stayed and I had left!  Of course none of them knew my side, he was garnering sympathy while I was hibernating.  I was getting hate mail and my daughter screened my calls.  

I thought I knew horrible, but I married George and we were SO HAPPY and then he suddenly died!  THAT was horrible!!!  But you are facing not only that but so much more.  I just went through a cancer scare (posted about in the stress thread)...I pray with you that this is NOT cancer!!!  How long until you get the biopsy back?  They told me up to two weeks but thankfully I found out yesterday (they removed part of it Thursday).

I wish I was there to give you a hug, Covid be damned!  So sorry, dear friend!

I hate you had to go through all of that yourself. I know life isn’t perfect. It’s like Jennifer said it all comes down at once . I didn’t know about your cancer scare. I’m claiming it’s not. I just have to put it in Gods hands. It’s harder said then done. I thank you for the hug

[IL2]

4 hours ago, Roseapple said:

. How old are your sons? Don’t underestimate them, I’m sure they live you a lot and would do anything to support you through this. 

My sons are 26 and 24. Their daddy passed away when they were 9 and 7. That was very hard on them ! I’m thier only parent alive and yes I know they love me. I’m praying it’s not cancer. But if it is I only want what’s best for them. The biggest part of me has always said that if anything like this were to happen I wouldn’t tell them because I would just want them to just keep enjoying their lives not be sad and worry about me. I don’t know if that’s the right choice or not because the other part of me thinks that they may be mad at me if something were to happen and I didn’t tell them. I only want what’s best for them. They’ve already lost one parent . It’s a hard decision. I will just wait til I go to the dr on the 25th and see what they say. Then I’ll make my mind up.

[her_chrissy]

On 1/17/2022 at 10:17 PM, IL2 said:

Thanks for letting me just have a place to throw it all out there

This is always the place for that, and you have caring family here who will always be in your corner, despite what we are all struggling through. Sending continued love and prayers your way. Will be thinking of you on the 25th and hoping all goes well with results. Don't underestimate the strength and resolve of your sons through this time. I would imagine they would want to be there for you through this, and give you further strength in your fight through all of these trials. Even though you somehow maintain an enviable level of strength, given everything you're encountering. Allow your faith to guide you here, but also allow Mallory to do so. Draw from your years together, your love, cherished memories, and the wisdom he shared with you through the years to help you through these next steps and decisions. I'm never without Annie's voice and guidance throughout my day, and the love she gave me lets me keep fighting, albeit barely most days. All my best. -c

[KayC]

11 hours ago, IL2 said:

I didn’t know about your cancer scare. I’m claiming it’s not.

I posted the outcome somewhere here but the biopsy is benign, so I'm very thankful!  Praying yours is as well...

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, IL2 said:

The biggest part of me has always said that if anything like this were to happen I wouldn’t tell them because I would just want them to just keep enjoying their lives not be sad and worry about me. I don’t know if that’s the right choice or not because the other part of me thinks that they may be mad at me if something were to happen and I didn’t tell them. I only want what’s best for them

Of course you want what's best for your sons.  They've definitely learned about loss and grief as very young ages.  But, if I may tell you about my mom and my sister?  With the understanding that we are all different, of course, maybe my sister's reactions will give perspective.

When my mom had her first cancer (ovarian; completely successful surgery and no recurrence), my sister was in her 30s.  My mom didn't tell any of us until shortly before her surgery because she didn't want to worry us or scare us or etc.  I swear, she only told John and me when she did because she needed us (mostly me) to be caregivers and help her.  She made us promise not to tell the rest of the family, that she would when she was ready.  We agreed to honor her request, of course, even though we didn't agree with her.  She was a stubborn and independent woman. 

So when she did get around to telling my sister and with the explanations of why she didn't tell her, my sister got angry.  She said something like, "Mom, I am an adult!  I'm not a wilting flower.  Telling me now, when it's too late to be involved or help with anything is just wrong.  I know you wanted to 'spare' me, but how do you think I'd feel if you kept it from me and you died without me even knowing why or getting to be there?"  Our dad had already died, so it wasn't as if my sister didn't understand that kind of loss.

So that's just my sister's experience and reaction.  Everyone is different, of course.  It's possible that your sons would actually feel better knowing because they'd be able to support you through whatever is to come.  Sometimes giving the people we love a purpose like that is the most helpful thing of all.

[IL2]

21 hours ago, her_chrissy said:

This is always the place for that, and you have caring family here who will always be in your corner, despite what we are all struggling through

Thanks for being here. Thanks for the input. I will be open minded about this. I would want to know if my mom was going through something. I started the reading the Bible in a year today and I’m going to claim that in Jesus Name I am healed. Thanks for your prayers. Praying for you as well. 

13 hours ago, KayC said:

posted the outcome somewhere here but the biopsy is benign, so I'm very thankful!  Praying yours is as well..

That is wonderful news!

[IL2]

10 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Of course you want what's best for your sons.  They've definitely learned about loss and grief as very young ages.  But, if I may tell you about my mom and my sister? 

 

[IL2]

Foreverhis. Thank you. I’m glad you shared that with me because I am very hard headed . I will be open minded. I know that if my mom had any issues I would want to know. Im just gona believe that all will be well and I don’t have to make that decision. I feel somewhat better just after getting it all out and not keeping it to myself. I am also just keeping my mind occupied with work and I’m doing my best not to think about any of it at all. I have made my mind up that I will make the appointment to put my dog to sleep after I find my results out. Thanks again. 

[Jen H]

Just checking up on you.  Hope everything is ok.  

[IL2]

On 1/26/2022 at 5:46 PM, Jen H said:

Just checking up on you.  Hope everything is ok.  

Thanks for checking in. I still haven’t past the stone . No cancer thank God. I have covid lmbo. I’m hoping to test negative by tomorrow. I’m still lost without him still don’t know what to do except keep getting up. How are you

[Jen H]

Glad to hear you're doing well as you can be right now.  Just getting up is an accomplishment.  As for me, still trying to adjust to this new life with half of me gone.  Slowly having better days as compared to the awful days in the very beginning. 

[IL2]

29 minutes ago, Jen H said:

As for me, still trying to adjust to this new life with half of me gone.  Slowly having better days as compared to the awful days in the very beginning. 

I know it’s hard. And you said it right. With the other half of me gone. I know this may sound a little crazy but my job is so demanding. I would get to cry only when I would get off . I would do my best to hold them tears back in the morning. With these few days that I’ve had off because of covid I got to feel and just cry. I’m still lost without my heart. There are men actually trying to get me to do things with them and they saw that he just passed and I’m sure their opinion of me is not what they expected. I have been very rude and ugly and say mean things because I’m not ready nor do I think I will be again. I was fortunate enough to loce and be loved twice in my life. My birthday is in a few days then Valentine’s Day is our anniversary so I’m sure that’s gona be hard . Well get through this. I’m glad you’re having better days

[foreverhis]

22 hours ago, IL2 said:

I’m still lost without him still don’t know what to do except keep getting up.

That sounds pretty typical.  I'm reminded of the movie Finding Nemo.  Maybe it's just because I watched it over 10 years with three children (one each niece and nephew, then years later with our granddaughter), but some days I still think to myself, "Just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming." a la Dory.  What else can we do?  Getting out of bed and facing another day is indeed a big deal.  At first, I didn't know how I'd survive without him, so getting up, getting dressed, and doing something--anything--felt like a huge accomplishment.

I'm so sorry you haven't passed that darn stone!  It is good news that you don't have cancer, of course, but now you're dealing with COVID.  Sometimes it seems like we can't catch a break!  I hope you get that negative test and feel much better soon.

[IL2]

47 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

  Just keep swimming." a la Dory.  What else can we do?  Getting out of bed and facing another day is indeed a big deal.  At first, I didn't know how I'd survive without him, so getting up, getting dressed, and doing something--anything--felt like a huge accomplishment.

I'm so sorry you haven't passed that darn stone!  It is good news that you don't have cancer, of course, but now you're dealing COVID.  Sometimes it seems like we can't catch a break!  I hope you get that negative test and feel much better soon.

Thank you. I commented on this and I guess it didn’t go through . I like Dory so I will keep that in mind! The rest I couldn’t make up if I tried. My urologist has to call my cardiologist to make sure I can get off blood thinners for a week so they can lazer this damn stone. This was Tuesday. Thursday I found out I had covid. My chest was tight Friday so I call my cardiologist to tell them to find out that he retired... no phone call no any notification. He sold to a big cardiologist company. They have no clue who I am. So long story short I’m gona have to get a cardiologist so that the urologist can see if I can get off of the blood thinners. I can’t believe all of this. I’m ready to pass this thing so I don’t have to worry about getting off the blood thinners. Anywho I’ve done pretty good with the covid. I should hopefully test negative tomorrow or the next day. My work is ready for me to get back. I never wanted covid but if it hadn’t been for that I wouldn’t have had a few much needed days off lol. Thank you so much. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry you have Covid!  That explains why you've been gone.  Has it been five days since your contact?  If so you should be past contagion.  I hope it doesn't keep you from medical appts, you need them!  And hard being off work, there is this little thing called $ that we need...

[RN-Nix]

@IL2 I'm not sure how you are feeling now and praying for a good outcome for you. Please hang in there. I would censor what I tell my job.. you don't have to tell them everything esp if you feel you my jeopardize your position.  I miss my significant other too along with his bear hugs. I too have so much to tell him but will never have that opportunity again so I feel your pain. Continue to vent. We are all going through something but we hear you !!!!!

[GoldenRose]

Hi @IL2 How are you doing now? I hope your health issues have subsided and that you are feeling better!

[Canadagirl81]

@IL2 hey… wanted to chime in and check in on you. How are you feeling? I am sending you the biggest hug and so much love. You are going through so so much. Please let us know how you are. 
-Laura