Please I need advice. I'm surrounded by people who just "don't get it" and didn't understand me at all.

[MarcHannah18]

I hope you are all doing fine. I just want to share my story because this community can somehow relate and understand. I want someone to share to and talk about my grieving process. Sometimes the people around me did not understand me and how I feel. Because any time of the day whenever grief haunts me. I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm out of focus, emotional, feeling broke, sad, devastated, as if my wife and my father died yesterday. that's how I felt when grief haunt and found me any time of the day. And the people around me seems passive they sometimes gave advices but they always say that I am self-pitying which is not because I felt so much pain losing my wife and my father. They also said that I can move on and I can find another woman in the future and get married again, which hurts me a lot because they did not know how much I love my wife, that she is the only one I want to be with until I grow old, she was the only one I want to be with in the future, we have so many plans, our relationship is God-centered, we love each other truly and unconditionally. How can they said that I can replace my wife? My wife had my heart since we've been together until now even though she is gone. I do not want other woman to replace my loving wife. I hope someday we will meet again in the afterlife, in heaven with God. All I want is to be with my wife in all eternity. This sounds so weird but that's my love for my wife. Thank You and God Bless You. 

[Kay2021]

So sorry to hear your suffering and you are not alone in this. I too feel exactly the same way you do. I lost my husband about 6 weeks ago and I am hitting the rock bottom at the moment. And who knows, there may be even deeper sorrow waiting for me as time goes by.  But I realize that this despair can't be shared with anybody and I have to walk this tormenting road all by myself. If it gets just way too much then I come here to know that I am not alone in this, although that comfort is momentary. But what else can you do to ease the pain? I haven't found any answers yet. All I am trying to do is to try to think what my husband would do in this situation. I can almost see him do what he has to do through his agony but he would do it with his sheer will power. So i am trying to achieve a fraction of what he would've done to honour his life. I too hope to be with my beloved husband again in the afterlife. That's what I am holding onto ATM. But it just seems like such a long road ahead of me. Needless to say, I just miss him so terribly.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, MarcHannah18 said:

They also said that I can move on and I can find another woman in the future and get married again, which hurts me a lot because they did not know how much I love my wife

People say the most inappropriate things...they say this for THEM not for YOU because they don't want to see your pain, it makes them uncomfortable so they throw out all this feel good stuff that has the opposite effect they desire!  It's idiotic, really, when you think about it!  How many have disposable marriages, that if lost one day, two weeks later they're in another???  Yet they expect US to do just that!  It's insane!  It's an insult to our love!  WTH!!!

When it comes to grief, most in our society are idiots, really, UNLESS they've been there themselves or can honestly put themselves in our shoes!  I think everything stupid that people could say they have said to me!  Thankfully not my  family!  Even though they hadn't been through it and couldn't begin to understand what I was going through, they cared.  Some people CAN put themselves in our shoes as they're empathetic, but it's also very hard for them as it's the last thing they want to think about or ponder on!  Of course!  None of us wished to go through this!  And I would respond something to that effect, you're in the place no one wishes for, and there IS no "replacement" for your spouse.  Hell, I don't even like people suggesting a replacement for my Arlie (soulmate in a dog that was my companion and best friend 3 1/2 years after my husband died)...he died of cancer 2 1/2 years ago. My son brought me a puppy a few months later and he means everything to me now but he did NOT replace Arlie!  Arlie's special qualities died with him, my sweet beautiful goofy, funny, considerate, communicative boy, my self-appointed guard dog, that is gone until I reach heaven.  I love Kodie afresh for who HE is.

And it's not so simple with husbands.  My George was one of a kind, they broke the mold on him, and he was exactly what I needed, my connection, my love, my all!

[KayC]

Cliches - answers to
Cliches of Grief - Avoiding the

 

[Jennifer Uren]

16 hours ago, MarcHannah18 said:

And the people around me seems passive they sometimes gave advices but they always say that I am self-pitying

This infuriates me to hear that people are telling you this. Kay is right. People try to make you feel better because they’re uncomfortable. I don’t want to find anyone else. What Jay and I shared only comes once in a lifetime. When he died a part of me went with him. Just as you and Kay2021 said my only solace is that we will be united again and for your loved ones to undermine your love and insult your grief journey is beyond disgusting. I’m sorry that you can’t seek comfort to those who would normally know you best but we are all here for you. Keep posting because you are helping others as well.

[widower2]

Marc, I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are surrounded by stupid, insensitive people.

Rather than repeat myself, please see what I and others said in a similar thread here: https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/18864-friends-who-are-not-helpful/  

FWIW I also created a little web site that addresses this very thing here...maybe you could point them to it if you think it might help: https://bill5454.wixsite.com/griefhelp/know-someone-grieving

 

[Loriii]

I'm sorry to hear this. I've been slightly experiencing the same in the recent days. I don't like it when let's say, I told a long story and felt sad on what happened to me that day, I will get an answer like "You can do it.". He is one of my closest friends. Also, when I talk to my other friend because I feel really down and want to somehow let it out. Instead of her comforting me, she told me a story about her love life and failed relationship like how she is still missing this special someone. I mean it's cool to share stories. I will l give advice. It's fine with me. I was just surprised like I almost told her nothing about what I wanted to share.. Then the next day came. I was able to share how I'm feeling but then she told me in the middle "Next year, you should no longer feel that and be okay" then say "I've been there. Done that" then proceed to continue talking about the boy and her previous relationship again as comparison that she experienced before what I've been experiencing now. I was like "You don't understand me. But you are lucky that you don't". We ended up arguing (oops) then both left the conversation. In fairness to her, she is a very good friend and she probably tried, but my friends really don't seem to understand me. It's as if I just went to broke up with someone, then in the process of moving on. It's incomparable. I honestly rather take those breakups I had in the past, even if they dump me over and over again, compare to losing someone because of death.

[PLin]

It is brutal. Dealing with people's insensitivity compounds the grief so much. I try to avoid them.