Lost my fiancé 3 months before our wedding

[Mruss]

Hello there. I’m new here and thought that I would introduce myself. 
My name is Mary and I lost my fiancé suddenly in my arms on August 4, 2021. 
Our wedding was supposed to be November 8th 2021. 

Most days I just zone out on the couch, work, or sleep (lots). 
I moved out of the house we shared together and I’m now living on my own with my 2 cats. 
Not quite sure what to say, but I’m here and I’m ready to support and share with you all. 
Big ❤️ 

[Peifered]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t have words that will help but I am here and I feel your pain.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Mruss said:

My name is Mary and I lost my fiancé suddenly in my arms on August 4, 2021. 
Our wedding was supposed to be November 8th 2021. 

I am so sorry for your loss, and for your loss of dreams as well, your future.  I'm glad you found your way here where others get it and understand, it helps.  For myself, I know my family cared but didn't have a clue what it was to go through this.

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Jen H]

Welcome.  So sorry for your loss.  I lost my boyfriend of 22 years on Oct. 3.  All I really do is work, be at home, and sleep as well.  This grief is the worst time of my life and draining me so mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Just taking it day by day.   We all understand what your going through  and are here if you would like to share and vent more.  Whatever you feel you need to get off your chest. 

[her_chrissy]

On 1/13/2022 at 7:39 PM, Mruss said:

Hello there. I’m new here and thought that I would introduce myself. 
My name is Mary and I lost my fiancé suddenly in my arms on August 4, 2021. 
Our wedding was supposed to be November 8th 2021. 

Most days I just zone out on the couch, work, or sleep (lots). 
I moved out of the house we shared together and I’m now living on my own with my 2 cats. 
Not quite sure what to say, but I’m here and I’m ready to support and share with you all. 
Big ❤️ 

Mary! It's Christopher. We were in the session together yesterday. I meant to give you my contact information, as I found your story so deeply tragic and relatable to my own. I gained a great deal from our shared session, especially hearing from you and being with you in our grief. I hope it's okay I've shared this on here. I was excited when I saw your name. I think there is a way to directly message folks here. Does anyone know how to do this?

[Mruss]

Thank you all so much! It feels good to talk to people who know what I’m going through. Wish none of us were here, but here we are. 
 

Today has been extra anxiety ridden. I’m trying to breathe through the panic attacks but it’s tough. 
 

I’m starting with a new therapist, and it feels like the trauma of that day has been catching up with me.

Anyway, I hope everyone is getting through the day ok. 
 

❤️
Mary

[KayC]

 

12 hours ago, her_chrissy said:

I think there is a way to directly message folks here. Does anyone know how to do this?

Click on their avatar, will take you to their profile, you'll see a way to msg them, click Message and it'll pop up, post to them through there.

[IL2]

On 1/13/2022 at 7:39 PM, Mruss said:

Hello there. I’m new here and thought that I would introduce myself. 

Hi Mary. Glad you found this place. My fiancé passed away one month ago today. My husband passed in 2005. They didn’t have places like this in 05. With the recent loss of my fiancé. I just started looking and I’m glad I found this place too. I haven’t been on here long. I will say that just for the short amount of time I’ve been here. It has helped because we are all going through the same thing. It’s nice to just be able to vent or say how I feel and someone actually understands. I’m sorry for your loss! I’m glad you found this place . I and many others will be here for you. I haven’t met many but the ones I have met has helped. Welcome 

[Jennifer Uren]

@Mruss Hi Mary. So sorry to hear of your loss. My fiancé passed away November 22nd. 8 weeks ago today. We had his Celebration of Life Saturday January 15th. It was his birthday. He would have been 51. I am 44. I’ve managed to keep myself busy planning everything. Going through the videos, pictures and listening to the stories was hard but needed to be done. I was expecting some sort of relief from it but also knew it would be hard not having that to focus on. So here I am spending my days either working or just laying around. Glad to know I’m not the only one. I just feel exhausted. I don’t know up from down and really have no direction in my life but I know I must carry on. I just don’t know how to do it. Let me know how therapy works out for you. I think I need to look into it.

[LizJD21]

Mary,

I lost mine 2 days before our wedding ceremony June 2021.

We were best friends for 29 years, and just 2 days from the happiest day of our lives.

There are no words.

I am a zombie, just going through the daily motions, with no purpose anymore.

I lost the other half of me. I don't know who I am without Jimmy, and I have no desire to find out.  

 

[Katie23]

I don't want anyone to go through such pain.
I know what you're going through because I've been through this too. Three months after my wedding, I lost my husband in a car accident. I was 7 months pregnant.

We had a wonderful wedding. It was exactly as I imagined when I was a teenager. About 100 guests, music, a beautiful restaurant by the sea, as if it were from stories. I cry even now when I look at the photos taken by our photographs, from visualarts.photography.
 I thought I would be the happiest for the rest of my life, but God did not agree with me.
I don't know if this will encourage you, or make you worse, but at least it's good that he was your fiancé and not your husband. Good thing you didn't have kids together, so that they don't suffer too.