It’s close to a month and I’m still lost!

[IL2]

The 15th will be 1 month since he’s been gone yet everywhere I go everything I do reminds me of him. I had to go to Er on New Year’s Day i found out I have a kidney stone. When they came to go over emergency contacts and said his name I had to tell them that he had passed. So I there I was alone thinking he’s not here to hold my hand, I can’t call him. I’ll never get to tlk to him again amongst many other things. My fiancé of 7 years. I’ve posted on here a few times and I have never mentioned this until now.I lost my husband in 2005. I totally lost it I stayed drunk for a few years trying to kill the pain. When I decided that wasn’t the answer I had to feel all the feelings that I shoulda felt a few years before. The love never goes away . I’ve learned that with my husbands loss. We have two beautiful kids that I get to see pieces of him in them and I still have a hard time with his loss. I never thought I could ever love anyone again then I did and I was reluctant to marry because I still loved my husband and didn’t want to change my last name . Bow my fiancé is gone I am dealing with this totally sober . And I have no clue as to what to do. Everything reminds me of one of them. I have decided that God must want me to be single after loosing two men I love and was loved by. My fiancé’s death is recent and I’m still trying to wrap my mind around he’s really not here!!!! He was understanding of my husbands death and would even go to his grave with me. Now I have to go to 2 graves and this really sucks!!!!!! I’m trying to keep myself together but I see I’m really not. I’m not wanting to clean my house I’m not wanting to shower I’m not wanting to eat. I’m ready to pass this kidney stone or let the pain go away so I can go back to work because I stay very busy with my mind there and I don’t have to think about this until I get home. I refuse to kill the pain this time. I’m feeling these feelings and it’s just so darn hard!!!!! I just don’t know what to do wirh myself. My kids are young adults now. So they have thier own lives and I try to be strong in front of them. If any words are misspelled I’m crying and writing this quick just trying to get it out I’ve held this in too long. Y’all are the only ones I have found that u derstand what I’m going through. I see that my fiancé’s loss is a lot to deal with and it’s also bringing back more loss from my husband. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. I have decided to bear the pain and go back to work tomorrow. That’s the only thing I know that helps occupy my mind

[her_chrissy]

1 hour ago, IL2 said:

So I there I was alone thinking he’s not here to hold my hand, I can’t call him. 

IL, This line made me cry at length for you. And fear for myself as well. I'm terrified of those future moments where I won't be able to get the simple comforts from the one person in the world who knew me, and would always be there beside me. It's been nearly three weeks for me, and every phone call I make to people in my life feels fake, feels put on so as to not upset or worry anybody. Moreover, it's insufficient, as there is only one person that I want to talk to and share this pain with, and I'll never be able to do that again.

I admire your courage for loving again, and giving yourself to someone after your first loss. Your fiancee sounds like a wonderful person, having stood with you and supported you in your continued, lifelong grief journey. If I ever decide to move on like this, and this is certainly a long way off, I only hope to find someone who can understand that my wife will always be a part of me, and my heart still belongs to her.

In terms of advice, I think you are already doing a lot more for yourself than you are crediting yourself for. Staying away from the bottle is massive, and I can't understate how impressive this is after turning to it once before. I would imagine that this second loss has also resurfaced a number of feelings, memories, and trauma that went unresolved the first time. Prioritize yourself, and get your current medical issues sorted, because neither of them would want you to be in physical pain on top of all the unimaginable emotional pain. 

I am still very new at this, and you probably have far more advice that you could give me, but I'm finding that it helps to set aside my daily grieving time. A time I can stop and spend with my loved one and let any thoughts come to me, non-judgmentally. Let the crying and screaming come, but acknowledge those feelings and don't try to suppress them. Let yourself feel them. After scheduled grief time is over, get back to whatever it is you need to do. Put on the strong mask for others as you need to. Distract yourself around the house with lots of comforting sounds while you engage in these activities, because it's not grief time, it's busy time. And know that you will be back to your grief soon. You're not "moving on" by showering or cleaning. 

I'm here for you and with you in this, as is this lovely community that I was only fortunate enough to find yesterday. Stay with us and write when you can or need. -c 

[IL2]

1 hour ago, her_chrissy said:

this lovely community that I was only fortunate enough to find yesterday. Stay with us and write when you can or need. -c 

Thank you! I’m glad you are here too. I very greatful I found this site last month. I just got on google and was searching and had no clue a place like this existed . Thank you for the advice. I needed to hear it. I don’t feel as though I have much to give as far as that goes. I will shower today because I told myself I will go to work tomorrow. There I will have no choice but to give advice and lead. That I am greatful for because like I said it keeps my mind occupied. And thanks again I really needed to hear much of what you said. I am here for you as well. I’m sorry for your loss! Thank goodness this place exists .

[her_chrissy]

5 hours ago, IL2 said:

I will shower today because I told myself I will go to work tomorrow. 

Just wanted to check in and see if all went okay today, and if not, tomorrow has a way of showing up to give us another chance. How are you feeling about going back to work tomorrow? I was able to work a little today, but it's all from home, which is a mixed blessing, as I fear I may end up isolating myself completely. I was able to go to the grocery store however without having a complete break down. Just kept breathing and not focusing too hard on the countless items that my wife and I shared together. No pressure to respond, just wanted you to know I'm behind you and reaching out to folks on here has done wonders for keeping me sane. -c

[IL2]

3 hours ago, her_chrissy said:

is a mixed blessing, as I fear I may end up isolating myself completel

Thanks for checking back. I did take my shower . I felt much better afterwards. I’ve not worked for 4 days this week. I see where working from home is a mixed blessing. I think you are right about the possibility of completely isolating yourself. That’s where you have to make yourself get out and do something different. Like I’m making myself go to work in pain. I’m doing it so I don’t spend too much time in my head. I have been parking in different spaces then we would normally park in. I make an effort to do some small things differently because my life is different now. Please don’t just stay in your home by yourself all day every day. Maybe you can take a ride to a new place or go walk somewhere different. I see that for me I will have to do most things differently so I can make new memories with myself. We are still here for a reason. Yes our heart broke and our world is upside down but reality is we are still here and we only have one life. I’m going to choose to take small steps to be ok with it just being me. This is how I feel right now. When my eyes open in the morning and that reality hits once again. I will remember those small steps I said I would take and do my best to take them. I’m sure I will work on not holding things in as I have been. I know there will be many tears and time alone. I’m sure I’ll be back on here saying I just don’t know what to do. I realize I’m just feeling feelings as we all are and that with each other’s help we will little by little make it through this. I hope you have a much better day tomorrow. Thanks again

[tnd]

13 hours ago, IL2 said:

My fiancé of 7 years. I’ve posted on here a few times and I have never mentioned this until now.I lost my husband in 2005. I totally lost it I stayed drunk for a few years trying to kill the pain. When I decided that wasn’t the answer I had to feel all the feelings that I shoulda felt a few years before. The love never goes away .

IL2:  I am so sorry for the loss of your late husband and now...the loss of your fiance. Deaths of both the men you loved certainly is a biggie to deal with. Just doesn't seem fair that a person has to carry such pain. Glad you are staying sober. Hope you continue doing the things you think that you should be doing or not doing, Sounds like you've got a level head despite all the grief. I've always been strong but just once, at least for a little while, I want to be weak and not have to think of anything or anyone but myself. Now more than ever I just want to be "free" by doing what I think is best for myself. Sounds like you are doing that. I admire you for it. 

[Jen H]

My heart broke for you when I read your story.  To have to go through this again I can't even imagine.  You seem to be doing the best you can and that's all you can do.  I know going back to work has helped keep me busy and take my mind off things so hope it goes well for you.  Keep your head up as much as you can.  Your doing a great job!

[IL2]

11 hours ago, tnd said:

Now more than ever I just want to be "free" by doing what I think is best for myself. Sounds like you are doing that. I admire you for it. 

tnd I think that is great that you have made your mind up to do what’s best for you! I know we have to take care of ourselves even when we don’t feel like it. I admire you for knowing what you need and deserve. I’ve been in a slump. I think as soon as I can pass this kidney stone I’ll be more active and push myself harder. I am just doing the best I know to do and just being able to talk to people on hear and get advice and hear how y’all are dealing with it helps more than y’all will ever know!

[KayC]

On 1/6/2022 at 8:20 AM, IL2 said:

So I there I was alone thinking he’s not here to hold my hand, I can’t call him.

This is the hard part to me, the part that doesn't go away.  When those hard things come, we're alone.  I am so sorry you're going through this again, it's damned unfair!  And now a kidney stone on top of it, did they give you anything to break it up?  Very hard to pass.  My dad used to get them.  You are doing everything you can for yourself, even working through the pain to go to work so it occupies your mind, I admire you for that, I know how hard it is to push through, I've had to do the same.

I really don't have any advice, everything I know in a nutshell was in my tips article, beyond that...I just wish we could help you in some way.  Let us know how you do at work...

[tnd]

4 hours ago, IL2 said:

I think as soon as I can pass this kidney stone I’ll be more active and push myself harder. I am just doing the best I know to do

IL2:  Good!  We are stronger than we think. The fact that you went back to work already (while also dealing with a kidney stone no less) is a good show of strength. We can't expect to be our normal selves for a while. Takes some real time. But at least you are not all curled up in a ball and lifeless. You are trying and that is worth something. You're still going, you are still alive. Let that be your guide from day-to-day. At least that is what I tell myself to keep going. Doesn't matter what I do so much as just being able "to do something". 

[IL2]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

just wish we could help you in some way.  Let us know how you do at work.

Thank you KayC.. y’all have helped by letting me know I’m not the only one going through this. I don’t like that any of us are going through it. At least we have a place to go to and to reach out to others that are going through the same thing unfortunately we have all lost our loves. I went to work. They couldn’t believe I was there. I had a lot of catching up to do so my mind was occupied. I still haven’t passed the stone. I told a couple of people I’m gona jump up and down with joy when I pass it. They said,”no you won’t” it will still hurt. I told them yes I will because it’s gona be out of my body lol. I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL THIS STONE IS OUT OF MY BODY!!!!!! Thanks for caring and understanding. It means more than you know!

[IL2]

6 hours ago, tnd said:

You're still going, you are still alive. Let that be your guide from day-to-day. At least that is what I tell myself to keep going. Doesn't matter what I do so much as just being able "to do something". 

Those words are so true. We are still alive even though our hearts are broke and we’re not “us” again. I do need to hear such words of wisdom! Thank you sooooooo much! I am doing something. Did I really want to go to work? No. I did though. I needed it even though I was in pain. It helped ! Y’all help! Thanks again.

[foreverhis]

On 1/6/2022 at 8:20 AM, IL2 said:

I refuse to kill the pain this time. I’m feeling these feelings and it’s just so darn hard!!!!!

Welcome.  I'm so sorry that you have to be here, but this is a really good place to be.  Finding the members here who understand, listen, don't judge, and comfort almost literally saved my life when I stumbled my way onto the forum about 6 months after my husband died.

I know you know this, but it's good that you aren't going down the dark road of alcohol this time.  I can only imagine how difficult it is for you, going through a painful grief journey again.  This is darn hard, the hardest thing I've ever faced, but I know that grief will not be denied, no matter how much we try to ignore or hide from it. 

You are not alone, I hope you realize that too.

On 1/6/2022 at 8:20 AM, IL2 said:

When they came to go over emergency contacts and said his name I had to tell them that he had passed. So I there I was alone thinking he’s not here to hold my hand, I can’t call him. I’ll never get to tlk to him again amongst many other things.

Oh gosh, I well remember the first time the subject of emergency contact came up that way.  I was going in for an MRI and hadn't been to the clinic for a few years, so the receptionist went over my information.  When she asked, "And John is still your emergency contact?" I started to lose it and whispered, "No, he died last year."  Then the tears came--and I rarely ever cry in front of people.  She was very kind, said she was sorry, and then waited patiently (ignoring the line behind me) until I gathered myself and gave her new emergency contacts.

I'm facing multiple medical procedures, including two probable surgeries, in the next couple of years and I dread it.  It was hard enough when I had my 10 year colonoscopy 18 months ago.  A friend drove me and had also made a batch of one of her delicious soups so I wouldn't have to deal with preparing anything.  I knew I had my circle to count on, but all I could think was, "I wish John was here."

I don't think that ever goes away.  I am more used to the idea now, but I know that I will always think that I just want John by my side.

[TrinaMB]

I had to go to the ER also, because I fell and really hurt myself.  When the receptionist asked me if Jim was still my emergency contact I had to take a breath and hold it because the pain was so sharp, but what was worse is I had to go to a specialist and I had to fill out paperwork.   It was so difficult and I started crying the first time I was asked marital status and I had to check widowed.   I wanted to mark married so bad because I still consider myself married to my dear husband.  Just remembering that day I'm crying.   It hurts so bad.  I want my husband back.   I miss him so much.

[KayC]

IL2, we will jump up and down with you when you finally pass it?  Did they give you anything to break it up?

[IL2]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

IL2, we will jump up and down with you when you finally pass it?  Did they give you anything to break it up?

No. Nothing to break it up. Still waiting to pass it. I went to work got off talked to my kids thought about going to his grave . It was about to rain so I didn’t. My friend called and I didn’t even want to talk to her. I had brought something up about what he and I had done and she totally dismissed what I said. Then changed the subject. That really upset me so I told her I was getting off the phone. Really?? I’m greatful I get to talk about him( my fiancé ) and my husband on here and y’all understand and it’s ok to tlk about us. She’s the friend that lost her brother a couple of days before my fiancé passed and when she brings her brother up I don’t do that to her. I’m know she’s dealing with her own grief but I am really taking a second look at our friendship and we’ve been friends for23 yrs. 

[Jen H]

So sad to hear that about your friend doing that to you.  It's got to hurt so bad to feel like nobody cares or understands when you really need them.  I hope maybe you two can work things out but do what you feel is best for you.  I had a friend since I we were five that I had to let go after my mom passed away eleven years ago.  Instead of comforting me through my grief, she seemed jealous I was hanging around my boyfriend more than her and that my mom left me with some money.  What's weird is she came over while I was at work about 2 months before he died and talked to him for like an hour.  He said all she talked about was herself and didn't even say things like she missed me or asked how I was doing even after he told her he has cancer.  I really needed and still long for a true friend and was and am still saddened by this.  Didn't call her and don't plan on it no matter how lonely I feel.  

[IL2]

7 minutes ago, Jen H said:

I really needed and still long for a true friend and was and am still saddened by this.  Didn't call her and don't plan on it no matter how lonely I feel.  

I’m sure you are. I don’t understand some peoples heartlessness . As far as friends go...You have many on here I am seeing this myself. We all are going through the same feelings. I am here when you need someone to talk to. 

[her_chrissy]

1 hour ago, IL2 said:

No. Nothing to break it up. Still waiting to pass it. I went to work got off talked to my kids thought about going to his grave . It was about to rain so I didn’t. My friend called and I didn’t even want to talk to her. I had brought something up about what he and I had done and she totally dismissed what I said. Then changed the subject. That really upset me so I told her I was getting off the phone. Really?? I’m greatful I get to talk about him( my fiancé ) and my husband on here and y’all understand and it’s ok to tlk about us. She’s the friend that lost her brother a couple of days before my fiancé passed and when she brings her brother up I don’t do that to her. I’m know she’s dealing with her own grief but I am really taking a second look at our friendship and we’ve been friends for23 yrs.

I'm so happy you found yourself able to go to work; that is incredible and admirable. I'm not surprised people were surprised to see you there. People tend to want to distance themselves from us. I do hope everyone was kind and normal around you. I live in a small town and am having trouble going out places as everyone gives me the same face awkward expression (that I can, for obvious reasons, only see in their eyes). 

I'm terribly sorry about your friend not being with you in this grief, and not willing to listen when you find yourself able to share. Don't allow this to discourage you. You will find who your true friends are through this, as they will open themselves to your stories and memories. If you are willing, I (we) would be happy to listen and be with you if you'd like to share this memory that is on your mind. No pressure to do so. 

[IL2]

10 minutes ago, her_chrissy said:

I live in a small town and am having trouble going out places as everyone gives me the same face awkward expression (that I can, for obvious reasons, only see in their eyes). 

I did go back to work yesterday. Yes they were shocked. Some were very nice and said they missed me and others said nothing. I go there to do my job and if I make friends along the way ok and if not that’s ok too! I am in management so it’s really all about the business for me anyway. My off time is my me time. I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I’m just a very blunt person. If people are looking at you ... let them look! You only have one life! You are the one that just lost your wife. If you’re not comfortable in your own town for now... take a drive to another town just to get out. Please don’t stay in the house all of the time. Push yourself to get out. It does help. Me going back to work has helped me . When I took those few days off. I had too much time in my head. I thank you for your kind words. We will all get a little better each day as we help each other . I have found that this is the only place I can just say what I want about  my fiancé of 7 yrs that just passed or about my husband that passed in 2005. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, IL2 said:

he totally dismissed what I said. Then changed the subject.

Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friends, letdown
Friendship: Why I No Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me

I'm not suggesting you let go of your friendship, that is a decision each of us faces with our friends...in our grief journey, when they are not supportive.  I would have a candid conversation with them when up to it (can be a while), meanwhile maybe some space from them.  I didn't have to do that...every single one of our friends ditched me upon his death!  My two "best friends" (besides George) didn't even bother attending his funeral!  Not even an excuse or reason!  Selfishness and uncaring, no understanding and compassion.  Nothing could ever be the same with them again.

I'm sorry this has been your experience.  We deserve an audience of compassion and support from our friends.

IL2, good advice!

[IL2]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I didn't have to do that...every single one of our friends ditched me upon his death! 

I’m so sorry to hear that KayC. I know it had to be very hard... when you needed your friends the most they left. I pray that you have found and will find more friends. I still have one friend that I don’t get to talk to much that will talk about him. That helps. I am dealing with the death of my fiancé who passed Dec 15th 2021 His name was Mallory. The other death that I’m still not over... just have learned to live with it . He passed away April 6th 2005 was my husband his name was Mikie.  I am so greatful we have two beautiful young adults that I can still see parts of him in. I have thought about putting a pic on here but I would have to put 2 pics. I guess since I have decided I do like this place I should do so. So that it would be a little easier for y’all to know which one I’m talking about. I’ve mainly talked about Mallory since his death was most recent. I told his mom about this place but I don’t know if she will get on here or not. Long story short. It is a good feeling to know that there is a place that I can come and vent or just talk about what I’m going through with others that understand.

[Lynn Hartman]

On 1/6/2022 at 8:20 AM, IL2 said:

The 15th will be 1 month since he’s been gone yet everywhere I go everything I do reminds me of him. I had to go to Er on New Year’s Day i found out I have a kidney stone. When they came to go over emergency contacts and said his name I had to tell them that he had passed. So I there I was alone thinking he’s not here to hold my hand, I can’t call him. I’ll never get to tlk to him again amongst many other things. My fiancé of 7 years. I’ve posted on here a few times and I have never mentioned this until now.I lost my husband in 2005. I totally lost it I stayed drunk for a few years trying to kill the pain. When I decided that wasn’t the answer I had to feel all the feelings that I shoulda felt a few years before. The love never goes away . I’ve learned that with my husbands loss. We have two beautiful kids that I get to see pieces of him in them and I still have a hard time with his loss. I never thought I could ever love anyone again then I did and I was reluctant to marry because I still loved my husband and didn’t want to change my last name . Bow my fiancé is gone I am dealing with this totally sober . And I have no clue as to what to do. Everything reminds me of one of them. I have decided that God must want me to be single after loosing two men I love and was loved by. My fiancé’s death is recent and I’m still trying to wrap my mind around he’s really not here!!!! He was understanding of my husbands death and would even go to his grave with me. Now I have to go to 2 graves and this really sucks!!!!!! I’m trying to keep myself together but I see I’m really not. I’m not wanting to clean my house I’m not wanting to shower I’m not wanting to eat. I’m ready to pass this kidney stone or let the pain go away so I can go back to work because I stay very busy with my mind there and I don’t have to think about this until I get home. I refuse to kill the pain this time. I’m feeling these feelings and it’s just so darn hard!!!!! I just don’t know what to do wirh myself. My kids are young adults now. So they have thier own lives and I try to be strong in front of them. If any words are misspelled I’m crying and writing this quick just trying to get it out I’ve held this in too long. Y’all are the only ones I have found that u derstand what I’m going through. I see that my fiancé’s loss is a lot to deal with and it’s also bringing back more loss from my husband. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. I have decided to bear the pain and go back to work tomorrow. That’s the only thing I know that helps occupy my mind

 

[Lynn Hartman]

I just got on this site and your message was the first I read. I know how you feel. I hate the pain and on the outside I look strong but it's when I'm home I fall apart. I too lost two husbands and told my husband who passed away in October that I never wanted to go through that pain again and I hoped I would pass away first. We use to make a joke about it.  To magnetify my grieving, I have a close friend who was there when my husband passed. Which I really appreciated. She has decided she doesn't want our friendship anymore because I she claims I blew her off on a Christmas invite and went somewhere else. I have no knowledge of accepting an invitation or her confirming a time. When we got together after the holidays we shared with a couple of friends what we did for Christmas. She never confronted me but complained to another friend. Then yesterday she posted something on Facebook. I was floored and upset that she would choose to become mad over something that isn't that important. She's in her late 50's and is acting so childless instead of being an adult and discussing her feelings with me. Sorry I guess my point is that i hate to burden anyone with my grief and unless you've done it you have no clue what a person is feeling. Our emotions are already fragile so why would  someone be so cruel?

[IL2]

3 hours ago, Lynn Hartman said:

I too lost two husbands and told my husband who passed away in October that I never wanted to go through that pain again and I hoped I would pass away first. We use to make a joke about it. 

Lynn i thought I was the only one on this site that had lost two husbands. I didn’t marry my fiancé just yet. He had wanted to. I wish now I would have but we said our vows on the porch to God and that’s really all that mattered. I’m sorry for your loss. In the same breath I’m glad you’re here. I would tell my fiancé that I wanted to go first and we would also joke about who would go first because neither one of us could see ourselves without the other. Sounds as though me and you have a lot in common. I wish you didn’t have to go through what you’ve been through but I am glad you are here. I’ll be here for you. There are others that will be here for you. I found this place a few days after he passed and I am greatful there is a place I can come to and people understand what I’m going through. 

[foreverhis]

On 1/8/2022 at 6:38 PM, IL2 said:

No. Nothing to break it up. Still waiting to pass it. I went to work got off talked to my kids thought about going to his grave . It was about to rain so I didn’t. My friend called and I didn’t even want to talk to her. I had brought something up about what he and I had done and she totally dismissed what I said. Then changed the subject. That really upset me so I told her I was getting off the phone. Really?? I’m greatful I get to talk about him( my fiancé ) and my husband on here and y’all understand and it’s ok to tlk about us. She’s the friend that lost her brother a couple of days before my fiancé passed and when she brings her brother up I don’t do that to her. I’m know she’s dealing with her own grief but I am really taking a second look at our friendship and we’ve been friends for23 yrs. 

I'm so sorry about your friend acting that way.  People can be so clueless, selfish, and sometimes uncomfortable with us.  Here's what I ended up doing.

I kicked a few acquaintances out of my life entirely because their response to me telling them John died was to pretend he had never existed at all--and change the subject.  Nope, I'm not putting up with that.  We have a small, loyal, loving circle of friends and family, so it's not as if I needed the people I kicked out anyway.

The only person I had to confront about grief comparisons and levels of pain was our daughter, whom I love with every breath.  She was a daddy's girl in the best way.  He was just about the best dad in the world,  He was loving, but firm when necessary; fun and ready for adventures, but reining her in if she went too far; protective, supportive, and smart, but making sure that our daughter learned how to be a fully functioning adult in her own life.  (Her favorite "daddy" story is when she had saved enough from her after-school job to buy a used car.  We paid for insurance as long as she was in college.  One afternoon, she discovered she had a flat tire and told her dad.  He said, "I'll be right there."  Then he got a soda from the fridge, grabbed a lawn chair and his hat, and walked out to the front.  He plopped down and said, "Okay, get started and I'll talk you through it."  She was flabbergasted! "But, but, but...Aren't you going to do it?"  Then she realized that it was a life lesson she needed to learn and got down to it. IMO, he showed real love that day.)

Anyway, for the first few months, it seemed as if every time we were talking on the phone (they're more than 1000 miles away and our granddaughter was in school) and I'd start to tell her how I was feeling and what was happening with my grief, she'd say, "I'm grieving too."  Well, of course she was, but it wasn't the same.  So one day, I just couldn't take it and told her I love her very much and would never diminish or minimize her grief, but if she wasn't able or willing to simply listen to me, I was going to have hang up (not slam down; just say goodbye and hang up) the phone and we'd talk another day.  That stunned her into silence.  Then she begged me not to hang up and promised to listen.  That was an eye opener for her and a turning point in us being able to help each other through those first devastating, crushing months.

You might want to consider something similar with your friend.  Tell her that you know she is grieving and you would never try to minimize that, but that you need her to listen and you need to be able to express your deep grief in losing, basically literally, half your life.  She lost a well loved brother; you lost your everything.  You may need to be as blunt as that, if you feel it's appropriate.  If she won't listen, then you may need to simply tell her that you do not have any energy or the strength to listen to her yet again basically ignoring your needs in her as a friend right now.

Of course, it's entirely up to you and I don't mean to "tell" you what to do.  These are just suggestions based on my own experiences.

One thing you can be sure of is that when you are here, you are not alone, we understand, and we will listen (so to speak).

 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, IL2 said:

The other death that I’m still not over... just have learned to live with it

This is so true.  Your timeline similar to mine, I lost my husband June 19, 2005 (Father's Day).  I'm sorry you're going through it again.  I'm glad you didn't let loss stop you from giving it a go again though, my best GF that I made when George died became widowed a few years after me, and a few years later she found love again.  He wanted her to move to TX and get married, she was apprehensive because she knew it was a risk of loss again, I advised her to not let fear stop her from living!  She did and they are so happy together, seven years now!  Although I miss her tremendously, I am extremely happy for her!  She wants me to move there and find a cowboy!  Ha!  I'm an Oregonian through and through...love the mountains, trees, bodies of water and this little community.

There is no easy way around this, no way to circumvent the pain, if there was, I would have found it by now.  There is only one way, straight through it, pain and all...and yes, learning to live with it. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Lynn Hartman said:

I too lost two husbands and told my husband who passed away in October that I never wanted to go through that pain again and I hoped I would pass away first

I am so sorry for both of your losses, and that you had a friend so immature and uneducated about grief to make this about HER and her feelings on her sleeve instead of about this all encompassing grief you are going through!  If she knew anything about grief she'd realize we have grief fog/grief brain/widow's brain (different names for the same thing) the first year and beyond.  I never did regain my full focus as I had before!  I liken it to brain trauma.  It takes so long to work our way through this.

I'm glad you found your way here, I think you'll find it very welcoming, we're like a family, able to pour things out to each other from the midst of our hearts that we can't share with those who haven't experienced this.  It helps to read/post.

I know you've been through this before but maybe something here will help? 
 

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, IL2 said:

we said our vows on the porch to God and that’s really all that mattered.

My way of looking at it, you married in the important way...what matters more, gov't or God?  (We all see how messed up gov't can be!)  Not bashing our gov't, still the best out there, but just saying...

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

if she wasn't able or willing to simply listen to me, I was going to have hang up (not slam down; just say goodbye and hang up) the phone and we'd talk another day.  That stunned her into silence.  Then she begged me not to hang up and promised to listen.  That was an eye opener for her and a turning point in us being able to help each other through those first devastating, crushing months.

This is a good share...I'm glad she cared enough to listen, some don't.  She just needed it pointed out.  Dr. Phil says you have to teach people how to treat you.  That at a time when we least feel up to it!

[Lynn Hartman]

I appreciate all the comments and the list Kay C posted. I'm so thankful for finding this site. I've joined two grieving groups and have gotten more information and helpful suggestions in just two days from this site. Thank You to all that share.

[KayC]

I'm glad you found us.  We're a family here, from all over the world, all different, unique relationships but we have that commonality, no matter how soon or long ago it happened, we feel for each other.

[IL2]

On 1/10/2022 at 10:17 AM, KayC said:

My way of looking at it, you married in the important way.

I think so too! I thank everyone on here . I know I’m not alone! I’ve been busy working. I haven’t been on here in a few days. I’ve missed y’all !

[her_chrissy]

2 hours ago, IL2 said:

I think so too! I thank everyone on here . I know I’m not alone! I’ve been busy working. I haven’t been on here in a few days. I’ve missed y’all !

Glad to see you back on here, missed you also, but good to know you are keeping busy with working. I've been trying to do so myself. And doing a few different therapy options to see what works. So I've been a little absent from the forum the last few days too. I took your advice and drove to another town. I took Annie with me, in a manner of speaking. She drove with me in the form of her favourite stuffed plush from childhood and a sweater she always wore. As well as the photo she gave me as a christmas gift just before she died. We drove around, I talked to her lots, we listened to our favourite podcast and played pokemon GO. We loved silly kids games, even though we're in our 30s. I felt close to her and like we were still sharing. So I thank you for that advice. How's the health/stone progress coming? Thinking of/praying for you lots. hugs, -c

[KayC]

I'm glad you're both back.  

7 hours ago, her_chrissy said:

I took your advice and drove to another town. I took Annie with me, in a manner of speaking. She drove with me in the form of her favourite stuffed plush from childhood and a sweater she always wore. As well as the photo she gave me as a christmas gift just before she died.

This is neat, it helped you feel close to her and whatever we can do to bring ourselves some comfort is good!

 

7 hours ago, her_chrissy said:

How's the health/stone progress coming?

Yes!  ???

[IL2]

21 hours ago, her_chrissy said:

Glad to see you back on here, missed you also, but good to know you are keeping busy with working. I've been trying to do so myself. And doing a few different therapy options to see what works. So I've been a little absent from the forum the last few days too. I took your advice and drove to another town. I took Annie with me, in a manner of speaking. She drove with me in the form of her favourite stuffed plush from childhood and a sweater she always wore. As well as the photo she gave me as a christmas gift just before she died. We drove around, I talked to her lots, we listened to our favourite podcast and played pokemon GO. We loved silly kids games, even though we're in our 30s. I felt close to her and like we were still sharing. So I thank you for that advice. How's the health/stone progress coming? Thinking of/praying for you lots. hugs, -c

I’m so glad that you got out and It sounds as though you needed that. It sounds as if you enjoyed yourself and ya’lls time. As far as the Kidney stone still haven’t passed it. Thanks for asking. I’m gona go get an mri tomorrow. I told my urologist I want this out of my body. So we shall see. I’m ok while at work and I’ve had to work longer hours the past few days. When I get home. I put a shirt and some of his comfy lounge pants on even though they are too big. I feel closer to him. I haven’t had time to cry the past couple of days and today was a big meeting day and I heard a song on the radio this morning on the way to work and I had to change the station and say not this morning. I know my body needs to so I will hopefully get off work on time tomorrow and will be able to. Thinking of and praying for you too! It’s soooo nice to be able to have people that can relate. Many prayers!

On 1/11/2022 at 8:29 AM, KayC said:

 

I'm glad you found us.  We're a family here, from all over the world, all different, unique relationships but we have that commonality, no matter how soon or long ago it happened, we feel for each other.

 

I thank God everyday that I found ya’ll!

[IL2]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

How's the health/stone progress coming?

No not yet. It feels much closer. I will have an mri in the morning. I’m getting the mri because when they found the kidney stone they saw a spot on my other kidney. I have done blood and urine work ups for that. Mri is last step. I called my urologist yesterday and  told him I want this stone out. If I have an appointment on the 25th if I haven’t passed it he said they would go in and try to get it with a bucket or use a laser. I just want it out. Had it not been for the kidney stone I never would have known about this spot on my other kidney. I do have 2 children that I would like to live for since I’m their only parent on this earth.  I’m not stressing on that spot I’ve just put it in Gods hands. I don’t want my kids to worry so  I’ve only told them about the stone. I have a feeling all will be well if I can just get this stone outta my body. Knowing that he’s not here to go through all of this with me is extremely hard! We were supposed to grow old together and hold each other’s hands through it all! I’m just hanging onto Jesus and thanking him for ya’ll. I don’t even get on Facebook anymore. It hurts to see everyone looking so happy together. This is my new place to go and I’m so greatful it is here! 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, IL2 said:

Had it not been for the kidney stone I never would have known about this spot on my other kidney.

Wow, this gave me chills. Praying for you that all goes well, yes you have your kids to live for!  Keep hanging on to Jesus, He'll get you through.  Keep us posted on the MRI, okay?

[IL2]

16 hours ago, KayC said:

Wow, this gave me chills. Praying for you that all goes well, yes you have your kids to live for!  Keep hanging on to Jesus, He'll get you through.  Keep us posted on the MRI, okay?

I will. Thank you! Today was a hard one. I made went trough the mri by myself. He wasn’t there. I couldn’t call him to say anything. I got home smelled his cologne which I haven’t done since he passed put his clothes on trying to feel as close to him as possible. Looked through my pics I’ll be off earlier tomorrow night and Sunday so I think I’ll go to his grave and give myself time to just cry like a baby. I can’t do that at work. I am in management and I have to be the strong business leader. I can’t wait to get off tomorrow so I can just have time to feel the hurt,and loss and cry. Thanks for checking in on me

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, IL2 said:

I can’t wait to get off tomorrow so I can just have time to feel the hurt,and loss and cry.

  I so wish we could all be there to give you a big comforting hug.  Nothing anyone can say or do will make it easier, but please know that we will be thinking of you and, while we wish you (and we) didn't have a reason to be here, we are glad you found us.  This forum and the wonderful members here almost literally saved my life when I was lost and feeling hopeless, even with a loving circle of friends and family around me.

[KayC]

It amazes me how we respond so similar...I, too, was in management but had the most wonderful place in the world to work for...it was the beginning of the recession (younger Bush was in office) and the business went down.  My next job was less than stellar.  I'm sorry you have to front a brave face.  I was lucky my office was right next to the bathroom in those early days...