Grief on top of grief

[Tess Bret]

Where to begin? I can’t sleep much at all anymore. My mom died from Covid last March and I miss her so much. I hate life without her. She was my go to person who I could always talk to. Then just before Thanksgiving my partner died suddenly. He was the other person I could talk to about anything. He went to prison and I chose to stand by him. This very difficult situation had its own grieving process when he went away but was nothing like the finality of life without him.  He made me believe in fairy tales which is quite impressive since I’ve had to survive an abusive childhood and have experienced a lot of trauma in my life. I don’t understand how my life experiences continue to be so painful and traumatic. I do try to have faith  in God and keep praying and reading His promises but am struggling daily with depression and insomnia. I read that it’s called complicated grief. I really have no one now and am a very guarded person. I am a mom of two boys and am on my own. I am doing my best to keep it all together for them but am struggling. Can anyone relate? 

[Gail 8588]

Tess, 

I am so very sorry for the losses you have suffered.  It is no wonder that you are struggling. These are both extremely difficult losses and to have them occur so close together is so unfair and devastating.

Keeping it together to be a mom to your boys has got to be terribly hard, but it also can keep you from falling too deeply into despair. 

People who have never lost their true love, can't really understand how life shattering it can be.  We understand how great the loss is. Not just the time we shared, but our dreams for the future, the support we had from a person who truly loved us, the connection we still have, that even death cannot break. 

Come here to vent or share as you feel the need. Reading the past posts of others can also help you to see you are not alone in feeling so devastated.  

I am so sorry you have reason to join us here, but welcome.

Gail

[Jen H]

So so sorry your also going this heartache.  I can definitely relate to your story.   I lost my mom dad and close friend awhile ago in less than three years.  He helped me through it all then three months ago I lost him too.  I had a hard childhood which led me to make bad decisions when I was younger.  We had a complicated 22 years of a relationship but   finally I did get my true love and happiness.  Only for it to get taken away.  I don't understand why I have to keep suffering.  The only thing that keeps me waking up each day is my daughter and the little bit of faith I have left I guess.  It's a struggle everyday.  Hopefully your boys give you the strength to keep going.  We have a long road ahead of us so I pray and hope we can get through this somehow.  This site has helped me tremendously as there are so many more people here who understand what we are going through. 

[KayC]

He died in prison?  AND you lost your mom?  Wow, that is a lot.  I am so sorry for your losses, either would be a lot to deal with in and of itself.  I lost my husband 16 1/2 years ago, have also lost both parents, sister, beloved pets, friends, you name it, I have my two kids and some siblings left.

I think many of us can relate, yes complicated grief...kind of a catchall name for beyond the usual grief, something else factored in.  I hope you will continue to come here, we welcome you with open arms.

Complicated Grief
Complicated Grief?
Multiple Losses
Grief Process

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Tess Bret]

Thank you so much for the info it is helpful to read posts here and to see that others are in similar or worse situations. It’s so kind of you to support others this way. Thank you. 

[KayC]

We're here for you, I hope you'll read other's threads as well...