Motorcycle accident

[Peifered]

My husband died in a motorcycle accident very recently. 
He was only 32. We have a two year old daughter together who doesn’t understand that he’s gone. She asks about visiting him and pretends to talk to him on the phone. It’s heartbreaking. Night time is the hardest for me. This was when we would snuggle and watch movies and get our quality time. His absence is everywhere, sometimes it smothers me. I can’t imagine my life without him. It’s not fair to her and it’s not fair to me. How can it be that he has just vanished forever? Sometimes I feel like I’m still in denial and other times reality is overwhelming. I don’t know how I can be expected to move on.

[KayC]

I am so sorry this happened, that you and your daughter are left without him.  It hits me the hardest when it's a young person, so unfair.  My heart goes out to you.  I hope you have family and friends close by.  I also hope you'll continue coming to read and post, it helps process our grief.  This is a good place with people that get it, there will be more along tomorrow...
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Jen H]

I'm so so sorry you and your daughter are going through such a tragic and sudden loss.  Life is just not right or fair.  Though everyones loss is unique I understand what your going through.   I lost my everything 3 months ago and I don't know how my life nor anyone else's can still go on without him.  Every moment he is on my mind and this intense sadness, loneliness, and dispair is like nothing I've ever experienced before.  It's so overwhelming and scary.  I don't see how it will ever go away.  I don't see how I wake up everyday and still live.  Hopefully your daughter gives you enough strength to fight through each day the best you can. That's all we can really do.  I hope  you have other family and or friends to support you?  You can always come here to talk.  Everyone here understands more than anyone can.  

[tnd]

I am sorry for the loss of your husband and your little girl's father. I lost mine in June. The pain is not only intense but it feels like I've got an anvil tied around my neck. You'll have lots of support here. I don't think I would be here if it weren't for the new friends I've made on this site. On here we can freely share our thoughts, feelings, sadness, anger or anything because we are all going through the same loss. We may each grieve in our own way but we have all suffered the loss of our partner so we do understand each other. Coming on here as often as I can has helped me. I hope it will help you, too. 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, tnd said:

I don't think I would be here if it weren't for the new friends I've made on this site.

Oh tnd, we love you!  This is a family bound by an unlikely commonality, but a very strong bond it is...here we pour our hearts out, no holds barred, more so than sometimes family/friends as these the the people who get it and understand.

[Gail 8588]

Peifered, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is so unfair that his life ended so tragically and so young. 

All of us on this site have lost our soulmates and our lives are shattered. We are doing the best we can to pick up the broken shards and form some sort of future.  It's so incredibly hard.  People who have not suffered this type of loss do not understand how broken we feel. 

On this forum, we each have unique circumstances, married - not married, children - no children, decades spent with our true loves - just beginning our lives together - somewhere in between, a death following years of illness - sudden unexpected loss.  No matter what our different circumstances are, there are many similarities in the profound grief and pain we feel.

I hope you will come here to vent or share as you feel the need. It helps just to read the posts of others, to know you are not alone in what you are feeling. That you are not losing your mind. 

I am so sorry you have reason to join us on this grief journey that none of us wanted to take. 

Gail