I lost my husband in front of me while building our house together

[Quinn T.]

I can’t believe it’s been 6 weeks.  It feels like yesterday.  Everyday is equally as hard as the day before, or maybe even harder.  It feels surreal still.  I think the only time I find a half second of solace is with my brother-in-law.  He understands.  He was there before, during, and after.  No words between us necessary.  He hurts too.  

I miss intimacy and affection.  I want my husband to wrap me in his arms and give me a million kisses.   I want to love on him so hard.  I miss him more than words can describe.  It’s unbearable and I don’t know how to survive this.

I have nightmares almost every night, but last nights were bad.  I was just free falling into a black oblivion and absolutely terrified.  It was never ending.  Today I felt as though that’s how my husband had felt, which is too overwhelming for me to think about.  It makes me feel like I’m having a heart attack.  I hope he felt me holding him.  I hope he heard me reassuring him and comforting him.  I hope in those moments he found peace and wasn’t as terrified as I felt. 

I want him back.  I want our life back.  I don’t understand why this would happen to him.  To me.  To us.  I found my perfect human.  My perfect life.  My perfect future.  I feel guilty for every fight we had, for every time I got mad, for every moment I wasn’t grateful for everything we had.  

I wish I could go back.  I wish I could have done anything to stop it.  To change it.  I wish I had a time machine.  I wish I knew the last thing I said to him before it happened, or the last thing he said to me.  I wish I didn’t witness it.  I wish I could kiss him one more time.  I wish this wasn’t real.  I wish I could still spend forever with him like we planned.  I wish we got to have children.  I wish I was pregnant right now so I still had a piece of him with me.  I wish he came to me in my dreams.  I wish I saw signs all day everyday that he’s with me still.  I wish I didn’t feel so alone and lonely.  I wish. I wish. I wish.  I wish so many fucking things.  

I hate that’s a new year.  I hate when people say happy new year.  It’s not happy.  And this year was supposed to be filled with beautiful monumental moments - going on our honeymoon, moving into our new home that we built ourselves, having a baby.  I love my husband so much.  I love our love.  I love what our future was.  I love our past.  I love our story.  I love the unconditional nature of our love.  I wanted this to be the best year of our lives and now I’m stuck in the misery and agony that is my new reality.  

This spot I’m in now, I couldn’t have ever imagined it.  I never thought it would be me.  This happens to people in movies, books, or it happens to people I don’t know…but never to me.  Well, here I am.  Smack fucking dab in the middle of hell on earth.  The internal torture I carry everyday is killing me.  I feel the weight of thousand moons on my shoulders and it’s like no one else sees it.  Like I’m supposed to be able to get up, do ‘normal life’ things.  Like I’m supposed to be okay.  Like I am supposed to move on.  Be optimistic.  Be happy or grateful or some other bullshit thing.   I can’t un-see what I saw, or stop reliving the accident and horror a thousand times a day.  I can’t undo the experience.  I don’t want it.  But I can’t get rid of any of it.  I can’t make it stop.  I couldn’t have changed it.  I was helpless and trying everything I could or knew how to do.  I never lost hope, even when they told me there wasn’t any, until I had to let him go.  I wish I would have stayed with him for hours afterwards and just held his body.  I should have stayed with his spirit.  I wish I could have curled up with him in that bed but he was so fragile with so many tubes and wires.  It hurts an unbearable amount.  Painful is an understatement.  I feel utter despair and completely alone.  No one can ever understand the horror I endured.  No one.  And that’s the loneliest feeling.  The loneliest life.  Its completely Isolating.  

i don’t know how to do this. 

[nikkinaz]

@Quinn T., my heart goes out to you. So much of what you have said are all the thoughts I had for months after. I so wished I could have stayed with my husband longer but all the tubes were in the way of me snuggling against his chest. I so regret not staying longer.  I was like a deer in the headlights and in such shock, all I wanted to do was run. Run away from the situation and just keep running. The pain and loss is so overwhelming. I have found that coming here and reading posts, I know that there are so many of us in that pain, and so many who understand and don’t judge in anyway. The loss and grief is like a roller coaster and comes in huge dips and waves. I somehow got through the earlier months. 

Today is the first anniversary of my husbands death and it has been a hard day. The grief and longing has never stopped, but the sharp jagged edges you are experiencing have lessened.  My loneliness has not lessened but have come and gone in huge waves. 

I just miss us, it was him and me against the world and we were supposed to grow old together - life sucks and is so unfair.

Try to keep coming here as all of us do understand one another.

[brigid5030]

Quinn T - I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. My husband passed unexpectedly 6 months ago and it is just like it happened yesterday. I've cried every day for the past 187 days. I don't know what it's like not to cry anymore. I'm looking for a way out of this hell, but I just don't see it. I can hear how much you loved him. I look back at my husband's death and there are things I just can't remember. It's like my mind went blank. I would do anything to change things but I know that's impossible. This is the worst nightmare that anyone could go through...just know you're not alone. Not everyone understands what you're going through, but those of us who've lost a spouse/partner - we know.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, nikkinaz said:

Today is the first anniversary of my husbands death and it has been a hard day.

I am so sorry, it is a hard day to know how to do.  I felt I should get a metal for having survived a whole "year without" but instead, well you know, it's just hard and we don't know how to do it.

3 hours ago, Quinn T. said:

I want him back.  I want our life back.

 

11 minutes ago, brigid5030 said:

My husband passed unexpectedly 6 months ago and it is just like it happened yesterday.

I am sorry for both of your losses.  It's the hardest thing I've ever been through, there are no words adequate to describe how we feel.  You've found a good place here with these people, so caring, they've been through it, they understand.  I hope you'll keep coming here and reading/posting, it helps.  We're here for you, to listen, we care.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Jen H]

Quinn T.  I ache for your loss.  I read all these posts and it's all so familiar to me.  I lost my everything 3 months ago.  I still can't get him out of my mind and the pain and despair is still so overwhelming.  I fell so lost, alone, and at times I just wish God would end my misery so I can be with him again.  Everyone's loss is so relatable but still all unique.  But the same is that we all lost the love of our life and don't know how we will ever be whole again.  Hopefully you have some kind of support out there.  How I wish I did so I come here to get it and it has helped me tremendously.  All you can do is wake up and take it day by day.  I don't dare think about the future too long or all the anger, guilt, and regrets my mind comes up with.  If I did I would have lost my mind by now or ended it.  Prayers for you!!!

[tnd]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you went through something so terrible and now having to endure the pain from it. I didn't get to say goodbye to my husband. They had to call me and get my permission over the phone to stop CPR. They had already been performing CPR for 10 minutes. I had to let him go. I think letting go is the most painful of memories we can ever have.  

[brigid5030]

tnd...thank you. I didn't get to say goodbye either. I left him in hospital talking and laughing one night, then received a call at midnight saying he was gone. I'm still numb.

 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, tnd said:

I didn't get to say goodbye to my husband.

Me neither.  It's hard to live with that but I trust his suffering is over, it's just mine I have to live with...

1 hour ago, brigid5030 said:

tnd...thank you. I didn't get to say goodbye either. I left him in hospital talking and laughing one night, then received a call at midnight saying he was gone. I'm still numb.

 

I am so sorry, that's how it was with my parents too, my mom was older than me when she lost my dad, she was widowed 33 years.  I'm looking at over 40 years of this...I wish you could have been there, that all of us could have been with them when they went.

[brigid5030]

I am having such a difficult time getting through a day. Even my sister who just moved here just doesn't get it.  I hide my tears when she's around. If she sees me crying, she looks at me with question marks in her eyes.  Why is this so difficult to understand???

 

[tnd]

4 hours ago, brigid5030 said:

I hide my tears when she's around. If she sees me crying, she looks at me with question marks in her eyes.  Why is this so difficult to understand???

brigid5030:  My own brother and SIL never said they were sorry or offered their condolences. Maybe people think it will only make us feel bad if they bring "IT" up. Doesn't matter because whether anyone brings it up or not, we will still be grieving. They should stop and picture themselves in our shoes....we are hurting and a caring word or hug would sure help to console us. Their silence makes me feel as if I'm not to bring it up either. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I find their silence offensive. 

[brigid5030]

I was married to my husband for 42 years. He had two children from a previous marriage. Now that he's gone, I hardly hear from his family anymore. Is anyone experiencing that? Somehow I always knew that there would be no relationship with his family but I kind of figured maybe I would be wrong. I guess I wasn't. Over the years, I experienced his family cutting relationships off with other family members and I guess that's what's happening here.  Maybe it's an Italian thing? Thank God I have my family to fall back on in during this horrible time in my life. 

[tnd]

5 hours ago, brigid5030 said:

Thank God I have my family to fall back on in during this horrible time in my life. 

brigid5030:  I'm sorry that you're not hearing from his family. Happened to me too. There are a few people I don't hear from and it kind of bothers me. However, if you have ANYONE that is still there for you, I'd be thankful because even one supportive person is worth a lot right now. I hope you hear from his family again sometime but don't let it eat at you if you don't. Turn to your family as much as you can and let them know about this. And don't forget to tell them how grateful you are to have them. 

[KayC]

On 1/4/2022 at 7:35 PM, tnd said:

My own brother and SIL never said they were sorry or offered their condolences.

If it's any consolation, mine didn't either.  They are very rigid and didn't "approve" of George even though they never knew him.  Some things people should offer all the same, and condolences is one of them.

19 hours ago, brigid5030 said:

I always knew that there would be no relationship with his family but I kind of figured maybe I would be wrong. I guess I wasn't.

I know, I have none with George's family either, but then they were extremely dysfunctional...it took him a long hard road to overcome his family/"upbringing" but at least I hear from his daughter and her family.  She's a sweetheart.  I wish she lived here but alas she's clear across the country..

13 hours ago, tnd said:

brigid5030:  I'm sorry that you're not hearing from his family. Happened to me too. There are a few people I don't hear from and it kind of bothers me. However, if you have ANYONE that is still there for you, I'd be thankful because even one supportive person is worth a lot right now. I hope you hear from his family again sometime but don't let it eat at you if you don't. Turn to your family as much as you can and let them know about this. And don't forget to tell them how grateful you are to have them. 

Good advice, tnd.  Hard learned. 

[brigid5030]

Thank you for all your input. I am so sad today because tomorrow is my birthday and I have not heard from anyone from his family. It makes me cry.  I have not spent a birthday without him since I was 18 years old. It is very difficult to get through this.  I am so grateful for all your input. God Bless you all.

 

[KayC]

@brigid5030  We here wish you a happy birthday, as well as you can have, I want to say, forget his family!  But I know it hurts.  It's hard to realize we are responsible to create our own happiness, before it used to just happen.  I do hope you'll be with a friend or someone today.

For you:

[brigid5030]

KayC...Thank you so much. My friend from Minnesota called singing "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to". She didn't know what else to say. This was nice coming from someone who knows what I'm going through.

 

[KayC]

I love that!  I love your friend.