I’ve lost my mum and my last family member

[Kathb]

This is a difficult post for me as I’m a very private person so don’t really post personal stuff online.

My mum hasn’t been herself for a while and after being diagnosed with a water infection and then having a fall at home - we called the paramedics as even she said she felt really ill which was so unlike my mum.

So she was admitted to hospital on 8th September and even in those early days something wasn’t right. I can’t explain it but ever since she was admitted I had this sinking feeling that this wasn’t going to end well but tried to remain positive.

However they found a lesion to do with the brain and talked about doing an operation but mum wasn’t happy with this and think she felt it was all being rushed - so this was put on hold. I wasn’t going to override her on this or talk her into this operation (if something then went wrong I wouldn’t have been able to live with the guilt). However from that point she declined so quickly - she was so confused, didn’t really understand why I couldn’t either take her home or stay with her longer (visiting hrs were limited).  

They talked about putting her in a home but I wasn’t having that she was my mum and I’d do everything to look after her so we got a care package in place.
 

Eventually got her home in December but then she seemed after a couple of days to have problems with her breathing,  It wasn’t as bad at first so I called the district nurse who advised if it got worse to call the paramedics. So it got worse and she was admitted back to hospital on 4th December - they then said she had an infection and also something to do with her magnesium and electrolytes. After a couple of days I heard those words I had been dreading, that there was nothing more they could do but make her comfortable. The hospital moved her to palliative care and let me stay with her, I could tell in that last week that her breathing was so much worse and she was really struggling . On Saturday 11th December 2021 the nurse came in and checked on her and then 15 mins later I looked over from my bed and just knew she was gone. I didn’t want her to suffer as she really didn’t deserve that and only hope she knows I was with her in the room but wished I had been holding her hand.

My mum had previously had cancer which she was under review for and also had a kidney removed and had COPD but has always been such a fighter. To see her decline in hospital from such an amazing proud, strong woman to a shell of her former self just broke my heart. 

I really don’t know how to cope and it doesn’t seem real that this focus of my life, my everything and such a strong presence is just gone. My mum was my happy place, my safe place, my rock, my best friend, my biggest fan and my strength and courage. No one ever loves you so unconditionally as your mum. When I lost my dad when I was 18 and then other family members later my mum was there. I feel like I’m in a nightmare I just can’t wake up from. She has been my focus for so long (I visited her every day except one while she was in hospital the first time and stayed with her for the week at the end). I lived with my mum and the place is so quiet and empty now -  nightime is the worst when it’s so dark and quiet, I have a few friends and they have sent me messages, cards etc and offered to met up but it’s not the same. My mum was always just there - I was happy and comfortable with just the two of us. Christmas and my Birthday (on 26th December) was so difficult as mum loved Christmas but think she always made a big thing of it for me. Even though I’m 47 now but it was so difficult then spending Christmas alone in the house. I used to love being up late and our late night chats but now I find myself going to bed early as I can’t face the evenings, just to find I can’t sleep. I have so much guilt about things I should have done, said. I miss her so much and feel so overwhelmed with the situation and everything I have to sort out. I guess part of this is also feeling so alone and then I get annoyed with myself for being so selfish. I then have two images in my head, one of my mum at the end and how I didn’t want her to suffer like that and then the other of my beautiful, fun mum and the trips and holidays we took together. How I wished we’d had a chance to go on a last one. Think I’m also struggling to understand how she went so quickly from such a strong independent person.

I’m trying to just get through each day but today has been a pretty bad one.

Sorry for the long post but think I just needed to get this down.

Kath

[reader]

Dear Kath,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Everything you wrote resonates with a lot of people. Losing a beloved parent is devastating. It's been 5 years for me and some days I still can't believe it.

Please know this is a safe place to express yourself.

Thinking of you.

[ADM925]

11 hours ago, Kathb said:

I really don’t know how to cope and it doesn’t seem real that this focus of my life, my everything and such a strong presence is just gone. My mum was my happy place, my safe place, my rock, my best friend, my biggest fan and my strength and courage. No one ever loves you so unconditionally as your mum.

I couldn't have said it better.  This is so true for me that after 5 1/2 months I woke up suddenly tonight with a frightening shock at 4 AM feeling like I had just lost her (it was on 7/17).

11 hours ago, Kathb said:

When I lost my dad when I was 18 and then other family members later my mum was there. I feel like I’m in a nightmare I just can’t wake up from. She has been my focus for so long  . . I lived with my mum and the place is so quiet and empty now -  nighttime is the worst when it’s so dark and quiet,  .  My mum was always just there - I was happy and comfortable with just the two of us.

I lost my Dad in suddenly in 2000 when I was 39 and Mom and I clung to each other and somehow survived (without her it's like losing him all over again).  I'm 60 now (son, only child, never married no children or SO) and lived with Mom my whole life, which makes the nightmare of the present feel worse all the time.  Like you said, it doesn't seem real and I feel like I don't belong here anymore, nothing is right anymore,  Mom was my sole consolation and refuge in the world, the only one who could ease my pain, fear, and heartbreak.  I don't know how to live without her.

11 hours ago, Kathb said:

I used to love being up late and our late night chats but now I find myself going to bed early as I can’t face the evenings, just to find I can’t sleep. I have so much guilt about things I should have done, said. I miss her so much and feel so overwhelmed

When I can sleep at all, which I dread, the frequent dreams are very difficult (even though I agree with those who say it shows that they are watching over us), because waking up with a jolt alone in the empty house after those heartrending dreams of us as a family again is so painful (I dreamed we were out for a ride and I'm saying to Mom "don't leave me, please don't leave me" over and over; another time it was the same thing with the three of us at home).  And I never stop thinking about how I should have called the ambulance earlier than I did - maybe the ventilator for 3 months could have been avoided.  Sorry I've gone on so long but I hate crawling back to the now-empty room where I used to stay to make sure Mom was alright during the night.  I'm told we're not supposed to say "I don't want to be here anymore", but the constant loneliness, increasing panic, and fear of the future are so devastating and unhinging that it's hard not to wish I could somehow fly away from here and be with my family again.   

[Kathb]

Thank you both for reading my long post and your replies. I’m so sorry for your losses. I’ve previously lost family but mum was there for that and made it all better and I’ve known people that have lost family but it’s so true that until it happens so you, you really can’t understand what they are going through - I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. 

I need to go back to work next week but as my job is also to deal with bereavement claims, I don’t know if this is going to help or make it worse trying to help others deal what I’m going through. It is hard now dealing with it from the other side.

I think the next couple of days are going to be hard with all the new year stuff and being alone in the house for it, so just need to get through that too. 
 

My only wish for next year (apart from the obvious one) is to find the strength to get through this and for it not to hurt to much all the time. 

[ESM]

I'm going through the exact same thing myself right now. Even though my mom passed away almost 2 months ago the horror of it seems to be increasing on a daily basis. The past two days have perhaps been the worst. There are just moments when the utter shock and horror of her not being here, and knowing she never will be again, just grab me and take me to the point where I feel like I almost can't breathe. There have been numerous episodes like that the past two days. It feels as though each second is progressively more engulfed in total darkness, each subsequent moment more devoid of light, each successive day more subsumed by pure unmitigated hopelessness. And it seems to be getting worse like this as time goes on rather than better.

And oh my goodness can I relate to the stillness and darkness of the empty house. The night would be typically the time when I would prepare dinner for my mother and I would typically hang out with her around 11 for quite a bit and instead at those times the house is quiet and still and dark. And the sense of being an interloper, in what was previously the comfort of my own home, just shakes me to the Core each evening as the loneliness and isolation of each passing day seems to grow exponentially.

I just don't see how I can ever come to terms that the person who was the center of my entire universe, the focus of my entire existence, my anchor to the world, the only entity that provided me with some solace and comfort in the universe, is simply not there and never will be again. That is a reality I don't seem I will ever be able to get over.

New Year's is just going to be a pure Horror Show.Despite that I hope that somehow, some way, everyone on this board can find some semblance of Peace, take solace in something, somehow find the impetus to go on. I wish everyone well and a Happy New Year.

[Kathb]

Thank you for your reply - so much of it sounds so similar to my own story. I just hate the dark now and when it comes to drawing the curtains for the night as I just know it starts off the lonely nights. I don’t have any of other family or a partner / close friends but when mum was here that didn’t bother me in the least as I was happy with the two of us. 
 

Hope you find the strength to get through the new year and 2022 is kinder to you xxx

Kath

[ADM925]

19 hours ago, ESM said:

It feels as though each second is progressively more engulfed in total darkness, each subsequent moment more devoid of light, each successive day more subsumed by pure unmitigated hopelessness. And it seems to be getting worse like this as time goes on rather than better.

It's been 5 1/2 months of ever-growing hell.  Some relatives I hadn't seen in years came by and seeing my (identical to the above) condition bluntly said "There's nothing you can do about it.  Think positive."  That only jolted me and got my mind moving into very dark places even more than usual.  I have a fear of doctors and haven't gotten the vaccine because I'm already deaf in one ear, very claustrophobic, and dread having to face a bad reaction or even total hearing loss without my mother's presence and help.  There are no words to describe what a  permanent terror existence has become.

20 hours ago, ESM said:

I just don't see how I can ever come to terms that the person who was the center of my entire universe, the focus of my entire existence, my anchor to the world, the only entity that provided me with some solace and comfort in the universe, is simply not there

   The same - don't even know what to say anymore

18 hours ago, Kathb said:

I don’t have any of other family or a partner / close friends but when mum was here that didn’t bother me in the least as I was happy with the two of us. 

It's getting more difficult all the time, more time = more panic

[Kathb]

I know what you mean as whilst it’s still very early weeks for me and I can’t even believe I have got this far already without her. It seems so much worse this week.
 

I need to go back to work on Tuesday and absolutely dreading it. As I currently work from home, mum was also there and always helped when I had a bad day or just needed to rant or help me to not overreact to an email. It’s easy to read an email wrong at times. I just don’t know how to try and get back to any kind of normal routine without her. 

I also know so will have to go into the office to get my laptop reset so also dreading that.

Kath