Mother died in icu on Thanksgiving, can’t stop thinking about her suffering last few weeks of her life

[KimberlyChrist]

My mom died in hospital on Thanksgiving 2021 due to nursing home neglect and suffered greatly in hospital due to fentanyl overdose snd rough handling by young residents. I believe in life after death but am so traumatized by how she was treated and suffered in her last days . 
does anyone else have repeating thoughts of seeing their parent in pain and crying at the end ? Thanks so depressed. Close Friends seem to be distant from me right now. Don’t want to talk to me at length 

[ADM925]

10 hours ago, KimberlyChrist said:

[I] am so traumatized by how she was treated and suffered . . .does anyone else have repeating thoughts of seeing their parent in pain and crying at the end ?

I do all the time because my mom was in the ICU on a ventilator for 38 days starting on 11/7/20 and the doctors and nurses wanted me to take her off of it which I refused to do because she responded to me after 6 days.  So they would tell me "You are the reason we are torturing her with needles and blood draws all the time.  Look at her.  Does she look comfortable to you?  You know what you have to do."   But I couldn't do it because she knew me.  So they gave her a tracheostomy and feeding tube, told me I was being unethical and that she would never be able to come home, and sent her to a nursing home where I wasn't allowed to see her for another 2 months except for when she was being tormented by her handlers while I watched over that skype video thing   She would burst into tears and flail her fists at them.  At 59 I didn't think I'd survive seeing it.

But Mom did get off the ventilator and came home on 2/10/21.  We had another 5 months and 1 week together. The home nurses treated her roughly and then told me "You're the one making her suffer."  The worst thing of all was that her heart gave out when I was caring for her on a Saturday (7/17, no nurse).  The nightmare horror and extreme guilt that has left me with will never stop haunting and tormenting me day and night ever.  We were inseparable for almost 60 years and had only each other.  The heartbreak of what happened to her and the always-growing panic terror of being alone without her now are beyond any description and get worse every minute.

10 hours ago, KimberlyChrist said:

I believe in life after death

Mom was my sole companion and refuge, the only person I truly, deeply love, my best friend and the only one who could stop whatever pain I might be in (we were even co-workers at a church for 25 years, making this time of year a brutal torture), so this hope is all that remains to help me.  But even with it, the longer we are separated the more difficult and frightening it becomes to remain here alone at my age (60).  Some bad ideas have crossed my mind that I never thought I'd consider.  People want to help but I'm not close to them and can sense their impatience and the feeling that I should be "moving forward" more by now.  That's exactly what is unhinging me - the dread of the upcoming days and beyond.  For whatever it's worth (not much I know) remember that you are not alone.   

[KimberlyChrist]

6 hours ago, ADM925 said:

I do all the time because my mom was in the ICU on a ventilator for 38 days starting on 11/7/20 and the doctors and nurses wanted me to take her off of it which I refused to do because she responded to me after 6 days.  So they would tell me "You are the reason we are torturing her with needles and blood draws all the time.  Look at her.  Does she look comfortable to you?  You know what you have to do."   But I couldn't do it because she knew me.  So they gave her a tracheostomy and feeding tube, told me I was being unethical and that she would never be able to come home, and sent her to a nursing home where I wasn't allowed to see her for another 2 months except for when she was being tormented by her handlers while I watched over that skype video thing   She would burst into tears and flail her fists at them.  At 59 I didn't think I'd survive seeing it.

But Mom did get off the ventilator and came home on 2/10/21.  We had another 5 months and 1 week together. The home nurses treated her roughly and then told me "You're the one making her suffer."  The worst thing of all was that her heart gave out when I was caring for her on a Saturday (7/17, no nurse).  The nightmare horror and extreme guilt that has left me with will never stop haunting and tormenting me day and night ever.  We were inseparable for almost 60 years and had only each other.  The heartbreak of what happened to her and the always-growing panic terror of being alone without her now are beyond any description and get worse every minute.

Mom was my sole companion and refuge, the only person I truly, deeply love, my best friend and the only one who could stop whatever pain I might be in (we were even co-workers at a church for 25 years, making this time of year a brutal torture), so this hope is all that remains to help me.  But even with it, the longer we are separated the more difficult and frightening it becomes to remain here alone at my age (60).  Some bad ideas have crossed my mind that I never thought I'd consider.  People want to help but I'm not close to them and can sense their impatience and the feeling that I should be "moving forward" more by now.  That's exactly what is unhinging me - the dread of the upcoming days and beyond.  For whatever it's worth (not much I know) remember that you are not alone.   

Wow. Thanks so much for sharing these details with me . I was my moms only caregiver child and best friend our entire lives like you . I also had doctors telling me that I was doing the wrong thing by asking them to use any non invasive means to save her life after her nursing home failed to diagnose a stroke she suffered while I was not allowed  to visit her due to bogus covid protocol and due to lack of pt she suffered a fecal impaction which ruptured her intestine. 
The doctor who accused me of prolonging her life by 72 hours as was her wish then proceeded to give her a lethal dose of fentanyl. 

I’m suing the nursing home and hospital but like you I was completely traumatized by witnessing various acts of brutality like the improper insertion of a nasal gastric tube that made her cry and then me cry like a baby and I keep seeing it over and over . I also witnessed and shot photos and brief video evidence of her last moments in the icu of her crying , neglected by the icu nurse , but unable to speak which are burned into my mind . 
I have been having suicidal thoughts and depression,and  panic attacks and feel like I have no future without her. 
so sorry that you and your beloved mom was subjected to similar suffering . 
thanks so much for letting me know I am not alone . Hang in there 

 

[ADM925]

4 hours ago, KimberlyChrist said:

. I also had doctors telling me that I was doing the wrong thing by asking them to use any non invasive means to save her life after her nursing home failed to diagnose a stroke she suffered while I was not allowed  to visit her due to bogus covid protocol

They tried to trick me by saying I'd be allowed to visit but only if I would let them give my mother morphine first ("It will make her blood pressure drop and she won't do well, but it's the best thing you can do for her.")

4 hours ago, KimberlyChrist said:

like you I was completely traumatized by witnessing various acts of brutality like the improper insertion of a nasal gastric tube that made her cry and then me cry like a baby and I keep seeing it over and over . I also witnessed and shot photos and brief video evidence of her last moments in the icu of her crying , neglected by the icu nurse , but unable to speak which are burned into my mind . 

Unthinkable, permanent nightmare heart-rending horrors like these should always be kept in mind by the people telling us to "get over it".

4 hours ago, KimberlyChrist said:

I have been having suicidal thoughts and depression,and  panic attacks and feel like I have no future without her. 

Same here exactly and only Mom could help me so there is nowhere to run from it; it keeps getting worse, more shocking and unreal.  I can't take the claustrophobic separation anymore and want to fly out of here and be with both of them, not here alone which I dread and hate at a heartbreak-tired 60, among people who only make me feel terrorized and frightened.