9 months and 4 days

[WhoamInow]

Time has passed slowly/too quickly, I can’t decide. My thoughts are certainly still scattered, the tears and sadness are profoundly overwhelming. Thanksgiving I was tremendously sad and alone not near family and unable or unwilling to go back to work. Oh I tried to go back to work. However I found that I’m no longer compassionate or empathetic. So I quit my career walked away, I moved 1500 miles to be closer to family. I’m finding that Christmas is the same as Thanksgiving. I’m with family and yet tremendously sad, with bouts of uncontrollable crying, I can’t sleep, rest or relax. Today I prayed God would end my life so I don’t have to. I can’t find any light in this darkness, not even a dim light. It’s not fair to my family members. I’d just like to go to sleep and wake up in the presence of my husband that’s all I want. 

[Diane R. E.]

WhoamInow; I'm so sorry for what you are going through - I feel that way most of the time, too. If it wasn't for my responsibility to my cat, I would be tempted to end it all. You mentioned not being fair to your family members; yes - family is important, but you have to focus on yourself and not their feelings. I would hope they are sensitive to your needs and feelings and be there to support you. I don't have an answer for how to find at least a glimmer of light, but wanted you to know you are not alone in how you feel. (((Hugs)))

[KayC]

WhoamInow, I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I should have something to offer you but I'm struggling right now, this is the worst Christmas I've ever had (so far) and not looking to improve.  Alone, electricity out all day yesterday, I'd prepared by spending $779 on a generlink and hooked it up...it doesn't work.  Had cold (old) soup and pork rinds and peanut butter to eat yesterday as I couldn't cook and didn't want to warm up my refrigerator by opening it unduly.  No water when no elec.

My one bright spot is my puppy, he keeps me going.  I wish everyone had a companion like him.  Dogs take things as they come, he didn't mind playing in the dark, or that we were alone, I wish I could be more like him.  I hope your family understand grief funk and I hope you're not alone today.  Missing my grandkids and kids...can't go anywhere, no sign of snowplow...

If nothing else, this is a good place to vent, you have plenty of company, sometimes all doesn't seem Merry and Bright...we need someone to share it with...mine died 17 Christmases ago.

[WhoamInow]

Kay C thank you for your honesty 

Diane R E thank you 

[ScotJ65]

On 12/24/2021 at 8:08 PM, WhoamInow said:

Today I prayed God would end my life so I don’t have to. I can’t find any light in this darkness, not even a dim light. It’s not fair to my family members. I’d just like to go to sleep and wake up in the presence of my husband that’s all I want. 

HI WhoamInow, I couldn't help but notice how similar that sounds to my own situation. The thought of being reunited with the love of my life is at times overwhelming. There must be a purpose for us to carry on however, despite the reasons not always being apparent. I sometimes imagine how much my family would be devastated if I was no longer here. So that keeps me going. I don't think Gods plan was ever to make this life easy for us. Quite the opposite in fact. I believe we have to endure much trial and tribulation to get to heaven. But if we make it, I'm sure our loved one's will be waiting for us with open arms. Try and stay strong. James.

[Roseapple]

I catch me thinking, why him, why not someone else. Or I even see or talk to someone and I think why not her/him? Or a family friend who still fights cancer and flags covid, why did he make it and not him? In his letter to me that he wrote before he died, he said that it is no one’s fault not mine not anyones. He knew I would get angry at the world. I am not back to work yet, it’s still vacation for me. I wonder how it will be, it might distract me keep me busy give me purpose, but it could all feel meaningless and trivial. It does scare me that for you 9 month have passed and you feel this way.  I understand your wish to leave the world. I was giving this love and then it was ripped away from me, but L also knew I would feel this way and wrote me that I am not his last chance on happiness and that I can not give up. That I have so much sunshine to bring in others life. All I can do is try to believe him. If they recall an see us and watch over us, just imagine how hard it must be for them to see us suffer, all they want for us is to live and to find any kind of happiness. They want to look at us and smile. It’s the only thing that keeps me going that makes me wanna make plans. 
 

[KayC]

I caught myself crying out to George (again) last night..."George where are you!  I NEED you here!"  This isn't something that goes away with time.  I'm glad he's spared, but, man!  This is hard sometimes...
 

[mfreedmn97]

WhoamInow - I can’t find any light in this darkness, not even a dim light. I feel exactly the same.  I feel empty, hollow, sad beyond description, and mostly just hopeless. If I didn’t wake up tomorrow morning it would be easier. 

[KayC]

I know, the hard part is surviving.