I can't wait for 2021 to be over.

[Kjm78]

I lost my wife, mother of my two children, grandmother to my only grandchild,  my best friend and soul mate on July 11 to metastatic melanoma.

From diagnosis to the end was 10 weeks.    She would have been a 5 year liver transplant survivor on November 28.

My kids are adults and live in different states, and at the age of 61, all our plans for the golden years have been smashed.

At 5 months, every morning seems like day 1 still.  Work, hopelessness and despair are my only constants.

2021 has been the worst year in my existence, and I for one, can't wait for it to end.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, this is tremendous, I know.  I want to welcome you here, even though we all wish we had no cause to be here.

When I lost my husband in 2005, I hated NY's as I knew he never lived in 2006, it felt like I was leaving him behind, so I guess there's different reactions to it, both valid.

I hope you will continue to come here and read/post, it helps to know there are others going through this that get it and understand.  My husband had just turned 51, it was unexpected.  Melanoma runs in my family, the treatment for it brought on my dad's final heart attack at age 62, I take it seriously.  

Grief has a beginning but no ending, but it evolves, little by little.  Remember, it is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still...

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Carol34]

Kjm78,

My heart goes out to you.  We all know the pain you're going through.

I lost my husband, my world, on October 7th.  He was not the father of my two grown children, but although they were grown when he met them, he treated them as his own. And he always referred to my son's children as his grandchildren.  People actually thought he and our grandson looked a lot alike!

He had just turned 60 in April, and was diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer in May.  Before that, we were making plans for 2023, when he was going to retire...at least partially...and we would start a new chapter in our lives.  I am 63 and already retired.

I'm afraid to say that I can't wait for 2022, though.  In 2019, Paul lost a brother (cancer), and aunt (congestive heart failure), a co-worker (homicide), and our grandkids lost a classmate to suicide.  Our town was devastated by a tornado (less than a mile from our house), and 2 months later, there was a mass-shooting 5 miles from us.  I prayed for 2020!  And we all know what that year was like.  So, of course, I prayed for 2021...and now I've lost my husband, my only true friend.  I'm not putting a lot of hope in next year.  It might be great...but I'm not saying, "I can't wait for it!"  Call me superstitious!

[MaryB]

I'm so sorry.  The pain in your words breaks my heart.  

This is a good place to be.  The people here completely understand how devastating your loss is and are here to help.  I lost my husband a little over two years ago and wish I would have found this site sooner.  KayC's tips are invaluable.  She also shared them with me when I first joined.

Just remember that whatever works for YOU is what works.  God bless.

[tnd]

8 hours ago, cmp34 said:

I'm not putting a lot of hope in next year.  It might be great...but I'm not saying, "I can't wait for it!"  Call me superstitious!

cmp34:  I really don't have any expectations for 2022. I am trying to learn to live in the "here and now" and make the most of just that. Whatever will be, will be. Que sera, sera... 

[tnd]

14 hours ago, Kjm78 said:

I lost my wife, mother of my two children, grandmother to my only grandchild,  my best friend and soul mate on July 11 to metastatic melanoma.

Kjm78:  I'm sorry for your loss. This pain that they call "grief" is a bad one. Hope you find the support you need on here. For me, the people on this site have been a tremendous help. 

[Jen H]

I can't wait for the year to end as well.  Mostly because of the holidays.  So sick of it all already.  But I don't look forward to starting a new year without him.  I don't look forward right now.  Just think about what I need or am going  to do tomorrow.  

[KayC]

17 hours ago, cmp34 said:

I'm afraid to say that I can't wait for 2022, though.  In 2019, Paul lost a brother (cancer), and aunt (congestive heart failure), a co-worker (homicide), and our grandkids lost a classmate to suicide.  Our town was devastated by a tornado (less than a mile from our house), and 2 months later, there was a mass-shooting 5 miles from us.  I prayed for 2020!  And we all know what that year was like.  So, of course, I prayed for 2021...and now I've lost my husband, my only true friend.

That is a tremendous amount to go through in three years.  I do hope nothing major happens for you in 2022...I hope that for us all.  I too feel cautious about hope, but what else do we have?  I continue trying to stay in today...

My heart goes out to each of you here. 

[ScotJ65]

On 12/23/2021 at 3:29 PM, Kjm78 said:

Work, hopelessness and despair are my only constants.

You and me both friend. Since the love of my life / soulmate / my everything died in Nov 2020 my overriding emotion is simply to be with her again. That's all I want, nothing more. I know that day will come, but meanwhile we just have to try and make sense of this grotesquely unfair and often cruel existence. This site is a great source of strength and inspiration to me and I'm sure it will be to you as well. God bless.

[Carol34]

On 12/24/2021 at 10:39 AM, KayC said:

That is a tremendous amount to go through in three years.  I do hope nothing major happens for you in 2022...I hope that for us all.  I too feel cautious about hope, but what else do we have?  I continue trying to stay in today...

My heart goes out to each of you here. 

I do have hope, and I lean on my strong faith every day.  I don't put things into words very well.  I was just trying to say that I'm not going to rely on the fact that, "maybe next year will be better."  I just have to take this one day at a time, and find something good...no matter how small...in each day.  That's the way Paul lived his life.

[tnd]

12 hours ago, ScotJ65 said:

You and me both friend. Since the love of my life / soulmate / my everything died in Nov 2020 my overriding emotion is simply to be with her again. That's all I want, nothing more. I know that day will come, but meanwhile we just have to try and make sense of this grotesquely unfair and often cruel existence.

ScotJ65:  Me too. I am going to try to enjoy life again (if I can figure out how to) but at the moment, moving forward seems almost impossible. It's like having an anvil around your neck.