Death of boyfriend

[Anna12]

In August 2020 I found my boyfriend deceased in a lake. I went through six months of psychotherapy. Weekly. EMDR. I think it helped. I’m not really sure. I can look back on my traumatic event and not freak out. I now suffer from anxiety at work. And other times. I feel a disconnect from people that I love the most.  I’m using alcohol as a crutch. But I think it’s making things worse. I have since connected with his brother. But he is a narcissistic asshole. But I continue to stay close with him.  We share the same pain. My family and friends are not approving of our relationship. I miss my boyfriend more than anything. My life has become somewhat a dream state. It’s hard to explain. Is there anyone out there who is going through similar path?

[Anon. T]

Hey Anna, you are not alone I'm going through the same thing as well. My girlfriend died in her sleep on December 2020, yesterday was her death anniversary. I go to therapy for it once a week and that helps a little but does not remove the constant pain I feel. Like you I do feel like I'm in a dream like state but I consider it a nightmare. When it comes to friends they say "we are here whenever you need us" but when you reach out they respond to you once or twice via text then stop responding. As for my family they are completely over it and want me to move on as if it's a just regular break up and that hurts me a lot because this is the person I wanted to spend my entire life with. When it comes to her family we do not talk that much and I think that is because my face is a constant reminder of what they lost. I have crutches as well and that is over eating and over exercising to the point I can't move anymore. Alcohol could possibly be making it worst because it will not fill up the hole in your heart no matter how much you consume; I've tried to do this and it would only work for moments. As long as the brother isn't harming you in anyway I would keep contact with him because it will be hard to find people in your circle that get it. You also have people in this forum that can help you.

Sorry if that post was long and seemed selfish I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[KayC]

@Anna12 @Anon. T  I am so sorry for your loss, you are NOT alone here, I welcome you to this place where we're like a family with grief binding us, that and caring hearts from some really wonderful people.  Here we bear our souls to each other in ways we can't with others as we all relate and understand.  

I hope you will continue to come here and read/post, it really does help.  Regardless of what brought us here, I welcome you.

Alcohol does make it worse as it's a depressant, hardly what we need.  Also it can put off our processing our grief and we need that.  (Although I don't blame you.)  Tthis is hard at best.

Grief Process

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Anon. T said:

when you reach out they respond to you once or twice via text then stop responding. As for my family they are completely over it and want me to move on as if it's a just regular break up and that hurts me a lot because this is the person I wanted to spend my entire life with

Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friends, letdown
Friendship: Why I No Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me

People who have not been through it cannot understand it, it helps sometimes to send them articles enlightening them. 
Cliches of Grief - Avoiding the
Cliches - answers to
What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief
What to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving

[Roseapple]

An unexpected Death and to be the one who found him/her. I can only imagine the trauma. I can understand why you try to keep him close through his brother. Please think about if it is doing you good or if it distracts or replaces the pain with something else. He wouldn’t want you to be in a hurtful relationship. We all try to find things to numb the pain, to put a cover over it. With anxiety I’m familiar, L. Helped me with it so much. Anxiety is the voice in your head that tries to convince you that the worst case scenario is the one to happen, the voice that makes your doubt everything about you, the voice that makes you doubt everyone else. I try to recognize when it is not my mind but my anxiety talking. I used to check with L. if what I think is real or probably the anxiety. Now if I can’t answer this for myself I talk to my friends. 
think about what are the things that make you feel better, lighter, at peace? What are the things that keep you in the same stop and prevent you to go further. I recognize the feeling to wanna stay where you are to not go to far away from it. We try to hold on so much that we are willing to keep the hurt and pain instead to move further away from our love. It’s still fresh for me. Im scared to let go of the pain I hold it close and tight 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Roseapple said:

Im scared to let go of the pain I hold it close and tight 

Try to remember that it's not the grief that binds us to them...it's the love and that continues still.  It's okay to let go of the pain, in fact it's good too.  We're not always able to, but try not to purposely hold onto it.  He knows you love him.