Tracy

[Tracy erin]

 Very sad and miserable 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Tracy erin said:

 Very sad and miserable 

I am so sorry for your loss, the hardest thing I've ever been through.  It helps to write and get your feelings/thoughts out, what you're going through, it is part of our processing.  
We welcome you here, this is like a family, going through it together, in a safe place where others can relate and get it.  A site like this saved me 16 1/2 years ago when I lost my husband, all too young, suddenly, he'd just turned 51.  He was my life.

I hope you will come back, continue to read/post.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Gail 8588]

Tracy, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is so hard to figure out how to go on living when our soulmate is gone.  The holidays are especially hard. 

On this site, at least you can share your true feelings, something that is hard to do in our 'real' lives.  Family and friends often don't understand how life shattering this is. Sadly, we get it. 

We are sorry you have reason to join us, but welcome. 

Gail

[foreverhis]

Hi Tracy.  I too want to welcome you here to the best place none of us ever wanted to be.  We understand the depth of grief you are experiencing, though none of us will say we "know" how you feel because we are unique in that and in everything about our lives.

This is a safe place to talk, question, rant, and even "scream" if that's what you need.  We don't judge and we don't tell you what you should or shouldn't do, think, or feel.

When you are ready and able, please tell us about yourself and your husband.  You can talk about as little or as much as makes you feel comfortable.  Of course you are sad and miserable.  How could it be otherwise when you've lost the love of your life?  We "get it" in ways that the others in our lives cannot, unless they've gone through this loss and grief themselves.

Your loss is so new and raw that I imagine just getting out of bed and getting through the day is almost impossible right now.  I can't say things get "better," but over time, our grief usually becomes bearable as we learn to take tiny steps forward onto a painful journey.  We're on our own paths, but we are walking the same road together.  You are not alone.

[Tracy erin]

Thank you all for the kind words .My husband and I met at work 20 years ago .we became really good friends and started dating after a year and we dated for 2 months and we got married .Crazy I know but we just knew …We have been married almost 18 years .He was the most giving man I’ve ever met .He cared so much about everyone else more then himself .Sometimes to his detriment sometimes .But he didn’t care he loved to give .He was a hard working family man. he had just recently started his own trucking business 7 months ago .I was so proud of him .They .say that he passed of covid but I don’t believe that to be true but that’s my opinion .But the trauma of his death is what I can’t move on from .We didn’t get to see him and he had to pass alone and I hate that with everything I have I can’t stand it .He deserved so much more .I don’t know what really happened to my husband so many different things on his records and I can’t bare to look at it .He is the love of my life and a wonderful father ,husband ,and papa .

[Gail 8588]

Tracy, 

Covid has been a terrible plague and one of the worst things about it has been the separation of the patient from the people who love him/her. Not being able to hold your loved one's hand, tell them you love them, that is a burden so many people have to live with.  I am so sorry you are among them.

Many of us who were able to be with our loves, still have trouble making any sense of their absence.

Gail

 

[KayC]

I agree, Gail.  It's horrible to keep them from those who love them most at the end of their life.  I am so sorry.

 

[Tracy erin]

It’s been almost 4 months and I’m still struggling emotionally .I’m feeling more alone for some reason .every second I think about him sometimes it takes my breathe away .I don’t feel like myself anymore and I feel so bad that he didn’t get to make it and keep living and being with his children it’s starting to consume me .

[Gail 8588]

Tracy, 

It is totally understandable that you are still struggling at 4 months.  It is still hard to mentally grasp that he is really gone. So many of us talk about how we know the reality that our loved one is dead, but we still look for him/her to walk in the door.  It takes a long time for our brains to adjust to our new reality. 

There are times that you just need to concentrate on breathing to get through a wave of grief.  This is really a  miserable process. I am so sorry you are suffering. 

Just focus on getting through one day at a time. Try not to think about next week, next month, next year, it is overwhelming.  Doing what you have to do today is enough.

Gail

 

[KayC]

It does consume us, they were part of us, and we still feel that.  Gail is right, it helps to stay in today, it's enough.  And try to do something good for yourself, be it something good to eat, a bubble bath, a walk, lunch with a friend, something...

[Tracy erin]

I just feel like nothing makes sense or matters anymore .I don’t want to be like that but I can’t help it for some reason .it’s like nobody really gets it unless they have been there I guess that’s why I’m struggling so hard right now everyone else is going on with their lives and I’m stuck in that day he passed and can’t move out of it .

[Jen H]

7 hours ago, Tracy erin said:

I just feel like nothing makes sense or matters anymore .I don’t want to be like that but I can’t help it for some reason .it’s like nobody really gets it unless they have been there I guess that’s why I’m struggling so hard right now everyone else is going on with their lives and I’m stuck in that day he passed and can’t move out of it .

I feel the same way even after 3 months.  I wake up all alone and think why even get out of bed.  Sometimes I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up.  But still I get up and go about my day.  When I'm out or at work I can't help but watch everyone seemingly moving around without a care in the world while I suffer in silence.  I constantly have him in my thoughts and that he's gone.  It's so unbearable at times.  

[Tracy erin]

I had a dream about him this week and it was a pretty emotional one .I didn’t tell my younger two kids til tonight and my daughter was like hold on mom when was this I said Tuesday she said I dreamed the same dream with dad Monday .watching her tell me was so heartbreaking she was so upset and crying while she was telling me what he said to her .I was of course glad to dream of him talking to me and touching me in the dream it was so real but the emotional toll it has been this week has be heart wrenching for me .

[KayC]

Wow.  
You know how there's an aha moment in your life in which everything before that point and everything after that point are drastically changed/different?  That's how George's death was for me.  Nothing is ever the same afterward.  We are changed.  Our life is changed.  Forever.