it still hurts

[laneybug]

hello and thank you to anyone who reads this. 

i lost my aunt to stage 4 lung cancer in 2018. it still hurts a lot. she was the only family member to accept me when i came out and the only adult in my life who wasn’t abusive or neglectful. her name was michelle. she was vibrant and blunt and so funny. i wanted to tell you about her because she was so special— the kind of person who made friends with everyone they met. 

i dream about her a lot. i just woke up from a dream where she hugged me while i cried and told her i missed her. i feel so guilty. i was 16 when she passed and i couldn’t bear to see her so ill. i was scared to see her laying weak in the hospital and i didn’t want to face the reality of what would inevitably come. and now i regret every minute i spent away from her. i know it isn’t true, but i feel like if i was there more i could have done something to keep her from dying. i’m a medical assistant and in nursing school and i blame myself for her death because maybe if i had tried harder i could have miraculously concocted a way to keep her alive. i know that’s not true, but i can’t help but feel guilty. all of my regrets eat me up inside. all of the things i didn’t do or say. i keep picturing her so fragile and alone. i hope she knew that i loved her. i wish all of these feelings would go away. most days i pretend that she’s still alive— far away but still here, somewhere, so i don’t have to face what really happened. it hurts. and i feel stuck in my grief because i can’t cope with knowing she’s gone forever

[reader]

Dear laneybug,

I think it is normal still feel the loss deeply. She sounds like a very special lady. Everything you are expressing and feeling is a natural  part of grief. I know many of us struggle with guilt and regrets. So many things I wish I had done differently as well.

I think our love ones knew that we loved them and we did our best in that moment. I’m sure your aunt understood that as a 16-year-old it would’ve been very frightening to see her towards the end. I know I have done the same thing. 

It might be helpful to seek out grief counselling or a grief support group. I found the website what’s your grief and grief in common particularly very helpful. Please know there is no fix timeline to grieving and there is no right way or wrong way to feel. I hope you can connect with others who will help you through this difficult time.

Thinking of you