John is laughing somewhere out there today

[foreverhis]

Here are my thoughts about today.  I have started working with a kitchen designer at one of our local kitchen/furniture stores.  We have bought furniture in the past and I bought my new fridge from them (yay, it's in and I don't have to worry about my lettuce freezing or my milk souring in warmth).

We had our first meeting 10 days ago and had our first sit down to go over the design this morning.  I had explained what John and I had planned, how we were ready to start, he was going to be his own general contractor for it, and that my budget has gotten smaller.  She was wonderful when she came to the house to see the layout, take measurements, and so forth.  I was a bit emotional about it all and she was very kind.

She was able to do exactly what I wanted.  I asked for a few changes to placement and customizations, which she did on the spot.  Now, I had chosen hardwood (general, not specific) with medium cherry stain in slab style.  That was a non-negotiable with me when John and I planned it.  He loved Shaker style; I have to clean the darn things and don't like nooks and crannies; we both like clean, simple lines.  Slab style is done on frameless cabinets and full overlay, which is a trickier install and more expensive.  I found out today that the total was way over what I'd budgeted.  But I'd been thinking about it this week and wondered just how much I might save changing styles.

When I asked my designer about it, saying, "You're going to kill me, but..." she replied that she had just the perfect cabinet company she works with often, but that I wouldn't be able to have the stain color I wanted.  I could still have general hardwood with finished plywood framing (not particle board) and pretty much every other add on/insert I wanted.  She showed me the stain colors and suggested a medium-light gold-brown with a hint of red, rather than the darker browns and greys.  She asked if I could live with that, was it a pleasing color even though it isn't cherry?  I used my hands and said, "Well, over here (gesture) is the wreck I've been living with for 25 years; over there (gesture) is my dream kitchen; somewhere in the middle is reality and compromises.  Yes, that color will work." 

While we were discussing it, she changed the manufacturer, made adjustments, and it's going to work really well and within my budget.  The change saved me thousands of dollars and put the cabinet total right in my budgeted range.

Then I told her that somewhere my husband is laughing, hard, because the cabinets are Shaker style!  We chuckled about it.  On the way home, I said to him, "Okay, smarty pants, stop laughing!"  Later, I cried because he's not here with me and I'd love for him to be able to say, "I told you so" in person.  I think this kitchen remodel and new flooring in several rooms will be harder for me emotionally than the exterior projects I had done the year after he died because the exterior ones were already decided, including one of the contractors.  Though there were numerous choices I had to make and construction changes that needed to be done, the overall was our joint vision. 

This time, I will be making all the choices.  I already knew I wasn't going with the soapstone counter he wanted as his splurge.  In part, it's because of budget; in part, it's because I like soapstone fine, but prefer quartz or quartzite.  I had originally looked at a manufactured quartz that mimics soapstone and thought of doing that, but it doesn't look good with the new cabinet color.  More than that, I realized that I like some of the lighter (not white) designs much better.  I walked in the door, laid the samples up on the counter, and thought, "Well, it's not what John would have chosen..."  Then I remembered that it's literally "all about me" now; what do I want, what do I like, what's important to me?  It's a strange and unsettling feeling to have to remind myself of that so often.

So that was my "this is your life now" event today.  And somewhere, John is laughing.

[tnd]

49 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

Then I remembered that it's literally "all about me" now; what do I want, what do I like, what's important to me?  It's a strange and unsettling feeling to have to remind myself of that so often.

So that was my "this is your life now" event today.  And somewhere, John is laughing.

foreverhis:   Thanks for sharing and for the laugh! Yes, your John is probably laughing too! Your new kitchen plans sound wonderful. I know what you mean about not liking to clean nooks and crannies, but shaker style looks so nice. And I agree; it's all about you now. I started thinking that way after being diagnosed with the Sarcoidosis. I decided I was going to try new things and be more bold and not so uptight and a worry wart. And since the passing of my husband, it's going to be all about me more than ever now. I call it survival. I feel I need to do what makes me comfortable and what makes me happy. Especially at this stage of my life. It's either now or never. I think my husband would agree. Bet John would agree with you on that, too. You-Go-Girl!   

[KayC]

I have no idea what shaker style is but I hope you get what you like and enjoy it when all is said and done!

[foreverhis]

Hi Kay. Here's an example of Shaker cabinets:

 

 

They've got clean lines and no frills, but they do have those interior corners that tend to collect dust, grease, etc.  The cabinet doors will be Shaker and the drawer fronts will be slab style.  That's how that company does that specific line.

[KayC]

It's beautiful!  I'm living in a 44 year old mobile home that needs new carpets throughout, my furniture all worn out but it works.  I make do.  At least it's beautiful outside.

[widower2]

Nice story  Sounds like an exciting project which I'm sure will look fantastic!

[foreverhis]

 

On 12/11/2021 at 6:10 PM, KayC said:

It's beautiful!  I'm living in a 44 year old mobile home that needs new carpets throughout, my furniture all worn out but it works.  I make do.  At least it's beautiful outside.

Indeed.  Our smallish home was built in 1965, first on the block, and remodeled somewhat by the previous owners in 1990.  There is so much that is original and some of the lines and add ons are kind of funky, but that makes it unique.  We're on a tiny 100x40 ft lot, but the view and access to nature and the ocean/bay makes both the higher cost of living and older modest home worth it.  If I had the money, I'd do a lot more, but as long as the old stuff works, I won't.  I've always said that no matter how old or out of style something is, as long as it works and I can clean it, I'm fine with it.  Heck, our cars are 1981 and 1986, though I am going to sell both and buy something used that was built within the last 5 or 10 years.  It's time for a little newer safety features and a touch more comfort as I age.

The reason we ended up planning a full kitchen remodel is that the cabinets, some original and some added on in 1990 that sort of match, are actually falling apart.  The real issue though is our range-oven-dishwasher.  It's stacked with a very small upper oven, then range, and finally a dishwasher crammed underneath the range.  It's hideous, but the bigger problem is that we can't get parts for the oven or range.  When the oven burner died, we were able to find one with the same fittings, but that was too long and with different hole spacing.  Our mechanic welded it into the right length and correct spacing.  The dishwasher (our second) died 6 years ago and almost nothing fits under the range.  In order to replace the oven, range, and dishwasher, the entire kitchen has to be redone because of the cabinets falling apart and the electrical not having been done correctly in a few places.  Once we started adding up costs to just "make do," we realized that the smarter thing was to plan a moderate remodel, doing the ancient, crappy living room carpet (it's come unraveled in many places) and peeling vinyl floors while we're at it.

I know it will be worth it when it's done, but I cringe every time I think about how much it will cost.  And I'm not even planning anything super fancy or customized.

Somehow I know John will help me through and I am positive he got a really good laugh at my expense today.  That makes me kind of happy.

[SSC]

This has been a fun story, thanks!  I will live vicariously thru you as I love to watch remodeling shows and DIY.  And to top it all off..I love the shaker style, it’s my favorite.  It would so wonderful to see photos if you are willing!  It’s good to have a project to keep busy and I also like that you also feel your husband there by your side!

[Carol34]

I loved your story.  Paul and I would knock heads a little bit when we talked about renovating or redecorating.  We didn't always agree on paint colors (I still say he was partially color blind) or furniture styles.  We would laugh about it, and settle somewhere in the middle usually. 

[foreverhis]

On 12/12/2021 at 3:47 AM, SSC said:

This has been a fun story, thanks!  I will live vicariously thru you as I love to watch remodeling shows and DIY.  And to top it all off..I love the shaker style, it’s my favorite.  It would so wonderful to see photos if you are willing!  It’s good to have a project to keep busy and I also like that you also feel your husband there by your side!

Sure.  I'll take a couple of "before" pictures and then a few as we go along.

The designer I'm working with works with a number of general contractors who do the demo, flooring, backsplash, and any lighting, drywall, electrical, and plumbing involved.  I will repaint the walls myself, thank you very much.  I'm a good painter and already even have the matching paint in satin.  The house is a small, mostly open design downstairs, so the walls are all off-white/cream, including the kitchen.  And the paint is flat!! In the kitchen!!  I'm going to paint the kitchen in satin and have figured out exactly how far I need to go to make it blend seamlessly with the eggshell finish I'll paint the living room, small nook, entry, and stairway/short hall.  We have these great stained pine beams on the ceiling downstairs that I repaired and completely restained myself 2 years ago.  John would be proud, I know he would.  I may even save some costs by getting a few friends to help see if we can demo most of the cabinets ourselves.

Her company designs, orders, coordinates, and installs the cabinets, counters, and appliances while working in concert with the general contractor and any subs. There's no extra charge for the design or their part of the installation as long as I purchase through their company.  No problem there.  They're not the cheapest, but they are competitive and very high quality in the products they sell, as well as the work and customer service.  In fact, they were having a sale and I paid $100 less for my fridge than it was at the big box store.  Their installation/haulaway was less too.  When we bought our living room furniture, the woman we worked with was able to put together a sweet deal on items they had on promotion.  She made the slightly pricey pieces we wanted completely affordable 

My designer is setting up an appointment for me with her preferred general contractor and recommended that I also talk to other generals to make sure I'm comfortable with my choice.  I have friends who were "in the business," though not as generals, who know many people, so I'm going to ask for their input.

It's going to be a big, somewhat stressful project for sure.  I know a friend who is in interior design will say that a few of my choices aren't best "for resale" like lowering the breakfast bar to countertop height and making the whole thing narrower and shorter, but I'm the one who will be living here and some buyer down the road, whenever that turns out to be, can either like/live with it or change it.  I'm barely 5'3" (probably a little shorter now) and reaching to do something on the full height breakfast bar, while great for my tall husband, is torture for me.

I have no doubt that I will be talking to John a whole lot more about this.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It's going to be a big, somewhat stressful project for sure.

Ugh!  I'm stressed enough about replacing the back of my garage and having pier blocks put under it!  Hoping to tackle it this summer.

[SSC]

Wondering how your project is going.  Do you find it overwhelming making the decisions alone without John’s help?

[KayC]

I know I sure do!  George would have got it done and at great savings...

[foreverhis]

23 hours ago, SSC said:

Wondering how your project is going.  Do you find it overwhelming making the decisions alone without John’s help?

I met with the one general contractor again and we'll have a meeting in a couple of weeks.  I'm going to get a few more recommendations for general contractors too. Not that I don't like this one, but because it's always best to do that. 

There will be a delay in going further right now until some leak issues are resolved on one wall.  We seem to get out rain in bursts now (10 inches in 3 days last time) and two times running, I've had a leak along the baseboard of a big part of one wall.  There's no point having flooring done until the reason(s) for the leak are found and fixed as it goes right into the carpet padding and under some tile.  (Big sigh.)

I'm home today after fumigation of both the house and garage.  I had a small colony of termites last year, so it was time.  The prep was a PITA because I have so much stuff that has to be protected from the gas.  It requires special bag that have to be double bagged and secured.  I ended up hauling a lot of stuff across the street to the friends' house where I was staying.  And all the pots near the house and garage had to be moved, but "the boys" helped with that.  Still, John and I acquired a lot of pots over a decade after we had the lawn removed and pavers installed.

For the days beforehand prepping and the days I will be putting the house together and cleaning the yard and pavers, I'm talking to John often.  We had to have the house fumigated 20 years ago, but then it was both of us getting it ready, etc. and we took a little getaway for the 2-1/2 days of the fumigation itself. 

Yes, all of it is difficult without John by my side.  There's no doubt at all that my life was immeasurably better when he was in it, here on earth, and together.

[SSC]

Thanks for the update.  So sorry to hear about your leak and having to fumigate.  It’s these regular tedious homeowner duties that we have to do that seem to “draw out” the heavy burden that we are alone and without our partner.  It can be so exhausting.

My husband died just as we were having our roof replaced due to crazy hail storm damage.  I learned right away how quickly people will take advantage of women in distress and grief.  It made me so angry.  I had to ask my son-in-law to speak to the contractors because they kept talking down to me and acting like I didn’t know what I was talking about.  Even on the last day I saw the Forman to finalize the project he took an over payment signed to him, from me, saying “if this is what you are comfortable paying”.    And this was a reputable company!

Luckily it hit me as I was walking into my house and before he drove away that I double paid him.  By then I was so mad at the way I had been treated it gave me the moxie to turn around and get my money back.  I hate how weak the whole experience made me feel.

[Gail 8588]

On 1/21/2022 at 7:15 PM, foreverhis said:

. . .  Yes, all of it is difficult without John by my side.  There's no doubt at all that my life was immeasurably better when he was in it, here on earth, and together.

I feel that way everyday.  There is joy in my life now, finally after almost 5 years, but everyday was better when we were together. I try to focus on how lucky I am to have had 40 years with him. 

Gail

[foreverhis]

On 1/21/2022 at 8:21 AM, KayC said:

I know I sure do!  George would have got it done and at great savings...

Yes, John would have known all the right questions to ask and would have figured out what he/we could do ourselves, as well as working deals with contractors, etc.

[tnd]

On 1/21/2022 at 6:15 PM, foreverhis said:

I've had a leak along the baseboard of a big part of one wall. 

foreverhis:  Maybe check any flashing that is nearby or up on the roof. I remember my husband and I had a leak and my husband discovered damaged flashing.