Dad

[Rich12]

 

 My father passed away just after midnight (early Thursday morning). I had returned to my home state after being away for a couple of years because his health was declining. Nothing terminal but definitely slowing down with various things that doctors couldn't quite diagnose. I had expected more time with him but I had about 4 months. He got into a cycle of going from his retirement apartment to the hospital to the rehab center and repeated it. Each time he got more frustrated and weaker.

Then all of a sudden he was moved into a hospice. In a hospital, rehab center, etc. there is an expectation your dad will get better but once you heard "hospice" it was like oh, geez he is going to die. He was moved on a Friday. I visited Saturday. One of the hardest days of my life. Lots of tears. His voice was strong and he was mentally strong. He mentioned how proud he was of me and how good of a kid I was, etc. I apologized for some stuff (nothing serious), held his hand, etc. Brutal but so important.

My brother visited Sunday and I went back with my wife on Monday. He wasn't expecting us and was sleeping so I let him sleep some. When he woke he was a bit annoyed that we didn't wake him and it seemed like he thought he was wasting our time. It was also my birthday but I was glad to see him. His voice was softer, he was coughing more. We didn't stay too long because another relative came.

My brother went back Wednesday and said he couldn't understand my dad and he seemed to be jumping around in the bed. Later that night I went to sleep early (I wake up by 5am at the latest). For some reason I woke up after 1130 and didn't feel good. I was lying there trying to get back to sleep when my wife came in to wake me (I was still up) and tell me my dad has passed away.

It was just so quick going from the hospital (still had hope) and then dead in just about 5 days.

Two years ago he was strong at 82, then things just went down.

Growing up my dad was a hard worker, typical guy of that time in the sense he didn't show a lot of emotions and worked longer hours. The kids (my brother and I) were my mother's entire life. Literally she lived for us. Sadly she developed a very rare disease and went downhill from 62 for 10 years to her death. It was a disease that had no effect on her mind but took away her abilities to show emotions (her face was lifeless like) and walk and eventually eat. I did not handle it well at all. I think I was scared and went into denial. While I visited some, I did not visit as often as I should have. I never asked my father if he need help. I totally screwed it up and it is my biggest regret in life. I vowed not to do it again and I think I did much better with my dad.

Looking through his documents I came across a letter he wrote to me after my mom's death. It was a tearjerker. He admitted how difficult it was for him to see my mother get sick and the illness progress. How tough it was to realize mentally she was fine but her body made her a prisoner. And how devastating it was when he put her into assisted living. It sadly confirmed what I thought but I never asked him and he never once asked me for help. I think he didn't want to bother me. It would have been no bother. They were my parents.

Something I will have to live with forever. For those with parents and loved ones alive, tell them how important they are to you and volunteer and do stuff for them. You don't understand how much they appreciate it. They are a lot of sick and lonely people in hospitals, retirement centers and hospices. If you are really brave, often to volunteer. I think it would greatly help someone.

I don't want to make this too long. Thank you for reading. Feel free to comment. Good, bad, whatever. Thanks.

[Wandering Soul]

Hello, Rich12.  

I'm very sorry to hear about the recent loss of your father. With the holidays nearing, this may amplify your sadness.  (It does mine).

The loss of parents who are loved deeply is earth-shattering, life-changing.  I'm grateful you had the chance to be with him on Saturday; no doubt that was a tough day.  It sounds like you both had the chance to affirm your love for one another... what a gift during such a difficult, emotional situation.  I wish I would have had the same opportunity with my Dad but his death was unexpected.  What helps though is that everyday we would talk during my lunch break with every one of those conversations ending in "I love you."  Again, I'm grateful that you had that opportunity with your father.  I don't know of one person who revisits their parent(s) passing without reflecting upon regrets.  I think we all may have them; perhaps big, perhaps small. (I know I do.)

Parents sometimes seem to have this mentality that they do not want to "burden" their kids.  I completely agree with you, it's no bother - they are your parents!

I really love how you encourage others to consider volunteering in hospitals, retirement centers, etc.  You're right... there are so many people in those facilities that could use the company and friendship of another.  Especially those without family or the support of loved ones.  It doesn't take much to help another soul but time.  Swapping stories, a hug, a high-five, a hand to hold - it's free!

I wish you and your family healing through this difficult time.  There is no timeframe for the grieving period; we grieve as we grieve both alike and differently.  Be kind to yourself.