23 both parents dead, losing direction in life

[Frog]

My biological dad died in 2011 I never knew him but knew about him about his meth use, he was murdered. My mom died October 2020 from cirrhosis she was 42, she had severe depression and was too lost. My step dad who had 2 kids with my mom abused me and my mom for a long time, sporadically. I have pictures of my mom with black eyes, etc. I'm taking various depression, anxiety, mood stabilizer medications, and my day to day life is very unpredictable. Sometimes I'm very optimistic and looking forward to my favorite anime releasing in a few months, other times I want someone to just shove my head in instant death liquid and die, and I'm okay with it in those moments, and when I calm down, I cry for having those thoughts to begin with. It's a circle of rage, guilt and agony then sobbing and resentment. How do I break out of this? I have been told I'm smart, sharp, etc my whole life, I know I have much to offer. If I can break through this, I could be of great benefit to society with helping youths break out of their issues, but right now I don't have that foresight and I'm stuck in my own hell that I often blame on my mother for leaving me in. She would tell me I was dead to her, when my step dad pulled a gun on us, the climax of their marriage, in October 2016, I defended her and got beat up with a gun. In front of the cops she said I earned her respect, when they left she asked "why couldn't you have just kept your damn mouth shut?" I am unsure how to break out of this hell of hatred I am in, I want to stomp on her gravestone, burn the flowers people place there. But 180 degrees I understand she had problems, and I need to become better myself and learn from everything that's happened with her, etc. But I don't know how to do that. I am filled with this rage and unresolved mental battles.

[TextbookCase]

I am so sorry for your experience. I am 27, My dad was abusive, and I just lost him. I have rage and unresolved battles too.

You are doing a great job by reaching out, looking forward to things, and being honest about what you are going through. Its going to take time to form your own positive healthy outlook on your healing and your experience. But you will get there.

Therapy has been very helpful to me on that journey, writing both nonfiction about the situation and fiction has been helpful, stand up comedy has been great, and reminding myself his life does not have to be mine. Honestly, the kind, wholesome escape of Disney movies like Encanto have helped too. But I do still have bad days and moments. 

I hope you find what is helpful to you and that love and light shines through. Be ready to see it and give it back, even with a broken heart. We both know how precious time is now, and we only have the present.