It Could be Called Complicated to Say the Least

[talespinner77]

I recently lost a cat I had cared for, for 15 years in August. He collapsed on the floor and had been sick for many years. I took him to the vet and was devastated, ultimately i put him to sleep because he was in such bad shape. I grieved and sobbed at the loss, but I knew I had done the right thing. I was able to leave with a feeling of sadness, but relief because it was over and he was no longer in pain. I wish I could say the same for my father passing away a month later.

Our relationship was complicated. He left my family when I was 7 and randomly showed up when he felt like it. He promised the moon, trips, cars and this continued for the last 35 years, and I can admit, I wanted to believe he was going to do all those things he promised so I waited for him to some degree. His unavailability and my mother's lack of emotional intelligence drove my addictions. I wanted to numb out the pain of spending my childhood alone and bullied by everyone including an alcoholic step-father. I was left to my own accord at age 12 and moved out at 15 with a boyfriend. 

Fast forward to now, our relationship was strained. We only spoke every few months and it was like this weird maintenance thing he had to do. There was no real interest or engagement on his part to be in my life or know me, just a hey how you doing. Even after I told him this wasn't necessary, he still continued and it baffles me still why he kept calling. I am also to blame here because i had hope that he might come around one day.

He was diagnosed with pneumonia due to covid and died in the hospital alone. We were not allowed to see him, his eccentric wife was placed in charge of his remains, and there were no services to say good-bye. I can't go to his house because his wife is a shut-in and has made it clear we are not welcome there. So, I am faced with no closure in terms of a traditional display. I have so many unanswered questions about who he was (he never had a traditional job), and the worst part is wondering if I mattered to him. I spent most of my life waiting on him and with his passing, it makes me question what the purpose is and how to move past this. 

Some would say that its easy because he didn't show he cared, so I should be able to just let him go like that. But there is that part of me that would have just once loved to have him put his arms around me (as an adult) and tell me he was proud of me. I have a list of things I never got to do with him and would have loved to even had a letter from him, but there is nothing.

I have been in recovery for over a year and maintained sobriety with a 12-step group. I am seeing a therapist and have other outlets for healing, but this is such a deep sadness, it is so hard somedays. I practice self-care, and I know that finding meaning and purpose is key. I work from home so I don't have a big support system or co-workers to talk to, and honestly it just gets lonely sometimes. And trying to talk to others about this is hard because very rarely are people understanding or comfortable with grief so here I am. Thank you for reading.