Routine vs ritual

[Michael M]

My therapist has been trying (in vain) to get me to establish routines.  I have lived by the clock before and I pretty much despise living a regimented life.  So a lot of the basics of a routine do not fit well for me.  However, I found I am full of what she calls unwritten rules (code of conduct) and I seem to establish rituals.  I open the blinds to the patio and make my wife's favorite wind chimes ring as I say good morning to her.  I look at the sunset each day and talk to her ... although I talk to her all day.  I kiss her picture good night and sometimes spray her perfume on the body pillow in the bed.  Lots of small things.   I still don't go to bed or get up at the same time, or eat at the same time, etc.  We never did that.   I know part of dealing with grief is adapting.   For me rituals seem to be helping.

[Carol34]

Michael, like you, I so certain things every day, but not at the same time every day.  So I guess you would say I lean toward ritual over routine.  When my husband was alive, I got up at the same time every day, so that I could wake him for work.  When he was sick, I set my alarm for 4am, so he wouldn't miss the meds he had to take every 6 hours.  Now, I live alone, and don't need to have a daily schedule to live by.  I start my day with a cup of tea while I write my to-do list for the day.  Without it, I'd forget to do so many things...like taking my own meds!  But, I tackle the list at my own pace.  I talk to my husband during the day, especially when I'm driving.  And I always finish my day, telling him everything that I would have told him when he came home from work (some boring story about the grocery store, what's new with the grandkids, whether our favorite team won their game that night, etc.).  It's a ritual.  And I'm not ever planning to give it up.

[Darlene13]

I've learned to listen to people's suggestions or advice, try to apply anything I find helpful and discard the rest.  We are all just finding our own way through this and what works for one may not work for another. My sister quickly pushes her grief aside when it catches up to her and tries to block it out as much as she can.  I just don't work that way.  I talk to David throughout my days...we always loved the colorful trees in fall and sometimes went for drives in particularly pretty areas to see them.  I point them out to him still when I'm driving.  Sometimes I think I'm just a fine line away from going nuts with all the times I talk to him but if I am, so be it!  I guess there's worse things to be than crazy with grief.

[Michael M]

15 minutes ago, Darlene13 said:

I've learned to listen to people's suggestions or advice, try to apply anything I find helpful and discard the rest.  We are all just finding our own way through this and what works for one may not work for another. My sister quickly pushes her grief aside when it catches up to her and tries to block it out as much as she can.  I just don't work that way.  I talk to David throughout my days...we always loved the colorful trees in fall and sometimes went for drives in particularly pretty areas to see them.  I point them out to him still when I'm driving.  Sometimes I think I'm just a fine line away from going nuts with all the times I talk to him but if I am, so be it!  I guess there's worse things to be than crazy with grief.

I drive by some ranches regularly.   I always point out the cows and horses to my wife as I did when she was alive.   She loved to see them.  Same goes with Butterflies and dragonflies.  It makes me smile.

[KayC]

On 11/25/2021 at 8:19 AM, Michael M said:

For me rituals seem to be helping.

This is great!  It's so good you realize this and focus on this.  

On 11/25/2021 at 8:53 AM, cmp34 said:

I lean toward ritual over routine.

And nothing wrong with either/both!

[tnd]

On 11/25/2021 at 10:19 AM, Michael M said:

I have lived by the clock before and I pretty much despise living a regimented life.  So a lot of the basics of a routine do not fit well for me.  However, I found I am full of what she calls unwritten rules (code of conduct) and I seem to establish rituals. 

Michael M:  This is very interesting. Thanks for sharing it with us, Michael. I have long lived a life of routine and...have hated it. But even before losing my husband I'd feel out of sorts if I didn't keep to a routine. And now with the grief, I feel out of sorts no matter what. But I have found that a routine acts as a sort of distraction or break from the grief. It forces my mind to focus on something else. Doesn't mean I totally ignore grief, though. As I can, I try to hold back until the end of the day or before bed. Of course, we can't always hold back our tears but for me, setting aside a block of time to cry and grieve and do nothing else kind of helps. For you it is the rituals. I am hoping that once I get my own place I can establish some rituals myself instead of having to find something to do to avoid the crying.