Should I stay home by myself on Thanksgiving?

[ESM]

I was just wondering if anyone had an opinion on this. So two weeks after my mom has passed I'm pretty much as bad as I've ever been and it seems to be getting worse. Thanksgiving is this Thursday. My stepfather is going to his son's for Thanksgiving. It's going to be a small gathering and I'll know everyone there including my step-brother and we pretty much get along reasonably well.

However I'm torn between what's worse. Being at a gathering with all of my step father's side of the family without my mom there is something that I've never done before and I'm afraid of what it might trigger in me. At the same time the notion of being home totally alone on Thanksgiving  frightens me since I've never had a Thanksgiving without my mom.

I honestly don't know what would be worse for me. Getting together with people on Thanksgiving without my mom or being home by myself on Thanksgiving without my mom. Just wondering if anyone else had a similar experience and how they handled it and maybe if they have some advice on this. Thanks a lot for taking the time to listen.

[silverkitties]

I would say go, it might cheer you up a bit unless the thought absolutely horrifies you.

If you were on bad terms, then I would advise against it. But since it seems like you are on fairly good terms with them,it might be worth a shot: you may feel less alone and helpless.

[ESM]

7 hours ago, silverkitties said:

I would say go, it might cheer you up a bit unless the thought absolutely horrifies you.

If you were on bad terms, then I would advise against it. But since it seems like you are on fairly good terms with them,it might be worth a shot: you may feel less alone and helpless.

Thanks for the advice. I will most likely give it a shot and go.

[silverkitties]

Let me know how it goes! I hope it is s good one. 

[ESM]

6 hours ago, silverkitties said:

Let me know how it goes! I hope it is s good one. 

Well, I just got back from my first Thanksgiving without my mom. It was with my stepdad, my step brother, his wife and kids, and a couple of other people. Overall, it was quite Pleasant. Everyone was very nice, the food was good, and we watched football. However, beneath my seemingly placid exterior was the realization that my mom was not there. There were quite a few moments where I felt a wave of panic starting to overtake me as well as a couple of moments where I had to fight back the tears.

I'm pretty sure no one noticed this as I'm pretty good at covering this up. All I kept thinking was just how much my mom would have enjoyed this. How she would have been sitting right next to me. How she would have been urging me on to take more food and to just, eat eat, eat! With my mom, all was right with the world as long as her son was eating.

While getting out of the house and being in the presence of other people was definitely better than being all alone, it also brought home to me in stark relief just how alone I am. My step brother had his wife and kids. His wife had her mother and brother along with their kids and while technically these people are my family, they're not from my mom's side. The only actual family I had in terms of having a really close relationship was my brother, who's gone, and my mom, who's gone. Thus, while being in the presence of people was a net positive, it still only superficially covered up the fact that I feel inherently totally alone in the world.

Coming back home was probably the worst part of the evening. Any visit to my step dad's side of the family has always been with my mom. Walking into the house without her by my side and then walking into the house and having her not be there just floored me. I had kept it together the whole evening, barely being able to hold back the tears several times, but once I entered the house I instantly had to run into my bedroom and I just broke down for a couple of minutes.

So, overall I'm happy I went. I think it would have been much worse if I was totally by myself all day. And there actually were some moments where I enjoyed myself. The absence of my mom never receded enough to have me not be aware of the fact that the person who was the center of my universe was simply not there, nor will she ever be. But in spite of all that I'm happy and I went I'm actually surprised I was able to survive it as well as I did. Here's to hoping everyone on this board somehow made it through Thanksgiving. I wish every one to be well.

[silverkitties]

I’m glad you went. At least you know someone cared enough to invite you.
Your reaction reminds me of the time I was teaching in NY. I was happy to be with my students, but once I got home, I was all alone. 
Even when my dad returned from rehab, it was just not the same.