Regressing

[BBB]

I know that grief is cyclical and it comes and goes. This is for sure. However, has anyone strongly regressed throughout the process? I found myself, thinking at least, that I was feeling better, that I was getting better and progressing a little. Then, in the past couple of months, I feel worse. My wife passed away almost a year and a half ago now. After the first couple of months, I don't remember much, sort of a zombie. Then a lot of feeling bad, couldn't function too well for a couple of months. During this time I was going to therapy. Around the 9 month time frame I felt like I was doing better. I had even gone out a few dates over the summer. When fall hit, things started to tank. I feel worse now than I did this time last year. 

 

Anyone else experience this?

 

[Diane R. E.]

BBB; I don't mean to bring you down any more than you are, but I read somewhere that for some, the grief is harder in the second year. Yes, I am finding this to be the case for myself as well. It's not that I cry a lot, but I do feel despondent ALL the time. I don't even have the motivation to do things I used to enjoy. I go through all the motions of life, but my heart is not in it. At one point I was doing better too, but after the one year mark, I feel worse. Maybe it's that the total permanency of our partner's physical being not being here is setting in? I don't know, so if anyone else has suggestions, please share. Our 38th wedding anniversary is coming up soon; it's going to be harder than last year. My heart goes out to you, BBB. 

[BBB]

Thanks Diane. I have found that to be the case. It could also be the amount of time. For example, for the first few months I missed her of course but now that it's been over a year that missing her feeling is super intense. 

I have to say that I enjoy posting here and hearing back from others who are going through similar. It's tough with family because they just want you to feel better and try and not be down. Easy to say when they have not lost a spouse.

 

[KayC]

It's not unusual for the second year to feel worse than the first, I know, didn't seem possible, huh!  Reality sets in, support dries up, it's been longer we're missing them.  Don't worry about family, they can take care of themselves, they need to understand.

[Yoli]

BBB, I am and a year and a half too. Yesterday particularly bad as I had a bit of an email battle at work. On the way home it dawned on me that the other person could go home to their spouse and vent and all I could go home to was a wall of silence. So I cried all the way home, drove into the garage, closed the door, left the car running and contemplated leaving it running. Obviously I turned it off but screamed and dug my nails I to my arm enough to draw blood. So safe to say you are not alone in feeling in your regression.

[BBB]

Thanks Yoli. I'm glad (and not glad) that I'm not the only one. I thought the beginning would be the hardest but clearly not. It's a bit frustrating and at times overwhelming that we wind up regressing. I'm seriously considering not going down to my parents this Christmas even though they would be upset. I just don't think I can deal with them this year. Even my mother is not an empath.

[Yoli]

Yes, our office is gearing up for Christmas and I have opted out of any activities. Also a family friend said to me oh you will have a great Christmas - in reference to taking my parents to their island home - 'great' , I think not.

I do think that the reality of our situations really is hammered home. The absolute finality of our other half being gone.

[Sparky1]

2 hours ago, Yoli said:

Yes, our office is gearing up for Christmas and I have opted out of any activities. Also a family friend said to me oh you will have a great Christmas - in reference to taking my parents to their island home - 'great' , I think not.

I do think that the reality of our situations really is hammered home. The absolute finality of our other half being gone.

Yes, no celebration here at home either. It was one of my wife's favourite holidays, but now without her, there is no joy. I will get gifts for the grandchildren, but that is as far as it goes. 

Every time I look at items in the house, I feel like I shouldn't disturb them, it's like she's still here and I'm anticipating her popping up any minute. This feeling haunts me so much, I know she isn't returning but yet it's it's so hard to comprehend. The mind is a funny thing, I guess that it's what I'd like to happen but it feels so surreal that she isn't here any longer. It is very hard to accept, let me tell you. I do have calmer days but yet some days the despair gnawing at my insides is unbearable thinking of what I've lost and not understanding why. It's a tough journey for sure.

 

[Darlene13]

It's been 16 mos for me and I definitely have felt I was doing better for a while only to backslide into deep grief again.  My sister lost her husband almost two months to the day after I lost David, and she seems to be doing better than I am, but her husband was a trucker and was gone 5 days a week for decades so she was already used to his physical absence.  I try not to compare, but sometimes I wonder why I seem to be struggling more to find my footing.  

[foreverhis]

Yes, I have had what I'd call setbacks along the way.  I found my way here at about 6 months because I thought I had been taking baby steps forward, but found myself flattened by constant waves of grief that felt like the first day.  Then again at about 1 year when "the date" approached it was like a stab to my heart again.  The one that surprised me the most was about 18 months, when it started to feel like I was losing him.  Our life together started to feel like a movie that I once saw or a story I once read.  And that absolutely devastated me. As if it wasn't just the world moving forward, spinning along, without him in it, but that I was being pulled further away from him.  I couldn't stand that feeling and was overwhelmed again.  It's like a tsunami washing over us, trying to drown us and the weight of grief shoves us back and down.

At 18 months or so, we can't deny the reality in front of us. Our friends lists have shrunk as some people either run or drift away.  We are stumbling forward while trying to figure out how to live without our one essential love.  So it's not surprising that these "milestone" times are so painful.  We've made steps forward and, at least for me, get kind of lulled into thinking that we're somehow doing "better" than we really are.

But as before, our grief does not stay the same.  It evolves, for some slowly and for others a bit faster, but it is never easy.  We pick ourselves up each time and try to start moving forward again, through the pain and the tears and the feelings of hopelessness, until one day we can look back and see that each time we felt ourselves drowning and each time we made our way up again, we also made those little steps forward.

Nothing really helps at the time though, at least not for me.  It was only in looking back that I could understand my own grief.  It will always be part of me, always.  I will miss John every minute of every day for the rest of my life.  But as I go through my 4th year without him, it isn't the all-encompassing, crushing weight it was; it's bearable, even though I still have days that knock me flat.

[Yoli]

4 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

This feeling haunts me so much, I know she isn't returning but yet it's it's so hard to comprehend.

Surreal, that's what it is. I still find myself asking How can this be real? My brain doesn't want to believe it is real and I feel as if there is an internal fight with my rational brain and the emotional brain.

[foreverhis]

4 minutes ago, Yoli said:

Surreal, that's what it is. I still find myself asking How can this be real? My brain doesn't want to believe it is real and I feel as if there is an internal fight with my rational brain and the emotional brain.

I think you've nailed it.  I believe that's exactly what it is.  From the very first day I woke up knowing I was truly alone, my rational brain understood that.  I'm a rational empiricist by nature, so my mind knew the reality.

But my heart?  I'm not sure my heart will ever fully admit that he is gone.  My heart is and always will be connected to him.  I consider myself his wife and have trouble every time I have to check "widow" on a form.  I will never check "single" because I am his and will be, well, forever.

 

[SSC]

Thank you @foreverhis your eloquent writing resonates with me so much.  I am not gifted with putting my thoughts down in words and when reading what you write it brings tears because this is how I feel as well.  I don’t feel single but here I am, lonely walking around without focus or goals. I have family and friends but I am unable to truly be joyful with them.  I know deep in my heart I am “depressed” but what else is to be expected?  My best friend whom I loved and lived with for 35 years is gone.  Like you @Sparky1 I cannot disturb my husband’s things.  His clothes are still hanging in my closet.  Sometimes I wear his shirts.  His hobby items are in half of the house.  This proves to me he is still part of my life, he still exists even if it is in my home.  Maybe this isn’t helpful for “healing” IDK…my daughters are concerned enough about my inability to progress in my healing that one invited me to stay with her in CA for the holidays.  The idea is to see if I remove myself from the house (which is also the place of his death) I will be able to see things from a different perspective.  
 

I am fortunate my family believes none of this is about “moving on” but only moving in a different direction and not being stuck.  All I know is it’s difficult.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Yoli said:

BBB, I am and a year and a half too. Yesterday particularly bad as I had a bit of an email battle at work. On the way home it dawned on me that the other person could go home to their spouse and vent and all I could go home to was a wall of silence. So I cried all the way home, drove into the garage, closed the door, left the car running and contemplated leaving it running. Obviously I turned it off but screamed and dug my nails I to my arm enough to draw blood. So safe to say you are not alone in feeling in your regression.

Yoli, I am so sorry you had that horrible experience and it left you feeling like that.  I'm glad you didn't give in to your feelings, they aren't important enough to drive you to that, and I know you can't see it now but you will get through this and eventually adjust, I know I can't explain that to any of you, I could not possibly have foreseen it either and wouldn't have believed it had anyone told me, but after this long I'm good and used to being alone all the time....not that I like it.  I STILL love and miss George, I always will.  He was my soulmate, my best friend, the only man who ever loved me. 

17 hours ago, BBB said:

Thanks Yoli. I'm glad (and not glad) that I'm not the only one. I thought the beginning would be the hardest but clearly not. It's a bit frustrating and at times overwhelming that we wind up regressing. I'm seriously considering not going down to my parents this Christmas even though they would be upset. I just don't think I can deal with them this year. Even my mother is not an empath.

Please do what is in YOUR best interest!  We can't live to please our parents, we have to take into consideration where WE are at and what our needs are.  There's other holidays...someday.

 

12 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

My sister lost her husband almost two months to the day after I lost David, and she seems to be doing better than I am, but her husband was a trucker and was gone 5 days a week for decades so she was already used to his physical absence.  I try not to compare, but sometimes I wonder why I seem to be struggling more to find my footing.

As you well know, everyone's relationship is NOT the same, not judging their situation but when you love more, you have more to lose, also not everyone grieves the same, some put it off, ignore it, put on a good front.  Try not to compare as it devalues your experience and let her do her, you do you...for you this is devastating and that's all you need to know and respond to, your feelings are completely valid.  

11 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It will always be part of me, always.

Yes, it is for me also, it forever changes us, and is never gone from us.  I deal with it every day even with all these years...even though I no longer expect him to come through the door or call me.

4 minutes ago, SSC said:

I am fortunate my family believes none of this is about “moving on”

Yes, no such thing, I hate that term, it implies we leave them behind, NO!  Instead we incorporate new ways of connecting with them...

Continuing beyond physical death
Continuing Bonds - rituals, world, body, life, beliefs, cause, time, person, human
Continuing Bonds - WYG
Continuing Relationships

[LMR]

I agree that it is surreal and totally unfathomable. The grief still comes in waves. Its not total regression. I will have some good days and then an almighty crash. The reality is very hard to accept even after 15 months. All I want is to be able to hold him again. I am crying as I write this. I mostly block out my thoughts until bedtime when I can cry alone.

Since moving in with my sister I am not alone very often which is both good and bad. She has been absolutely wonderful but still I feel like I am just biding time, waiting. I still have this feeling that he is somewhere else and if I could just find him we could get back to normal. I think this feeling is connected to our having been separated because of the covid restrictions. We had barely been apart during our 48 years together.

We didn't really do Christmas as such, for us it just meant no work and more time together. We didnt need to be buying presents but still its hard not to be thinking of the people you love. That theme is everywhere right now, families, lovers, husbands and wives. Its like rubbing salt in the wound.

[BBB]

A common thread in many of us is that we all seem to be 'waiting' for our spouse to return. Logically, of course, we know that's not possible but we don't want to have to believe that they are really gone for good. I cannot tell you how many times I wake up in the morning or I'll be walking around the house and just stop, shake my head and say "There's no way, there's just no way she's gone. Not possible. Can't be." I still feel like I'm in an alternate reality. So hard to explain to other people.

 

[LMR]

You are exactly right. I do the very same thing and even though my family is very supportive and caring it is just impossible to explain the depth and complexity of that feeling.

[BBB]

Oh yes I agree 100%. My family just want to see me happy and I get that. However, they don't understand the relationship we had. 

[widower2]

On 11/15/2021 at 9:57 PM, foreverhis said:

Our life together started to feel like a movie that I once saw or a story I once read.  And that absolutely devastated me. As if it wasn't just the world moving forward, spinning along, without him in it, but that I was being pulled further away from him. 

Incredible responses all, and I think this one hit home the most. It's been so long, I almost forget what it's like to be around her. Yes like a movie or story is an apt analogy. I hate that. I almost am starting to forget what it was like to be around her. Although for me there is one difference: it doesn't feel like the world is moving forward, even though I know it is...I guess because in some ways or to some extent I haven't. I'm "stuck." Time is so odd. In some ways it feels like forever since I saw her as it should...yet in some ways it feels like it's "only" been a year or two. I guess because I have never really accepted this and I simply can't believe it's been so long as I've lived in at denial for so long. I will never be totally convinced that this isn't a bad dream I just can't seem to quite wake up from. It has to be, because it's too surreal and insane to be real. She warned me when she was sick not to be in denial (as usual she knew me better than I knew myself), and I assured her I wasn't...but I was very much so. A defense mechanism I guess. I was in denial about being in denial. And it remains to this day. 

Back to the point of regression...yes, although the circumstances were rather unique. I inherited her dog, who we were both close to, and I got even closer to after her loss. He was like a lifeline that I clung to, as I lived alone, had to move when she passed (new neighborhood) and am not close to family and so-called "friends" disappeared. He was basically all I had. After years of wrestling with her passing, I think very slowly but surely I was regrouping...then he got sick and I had to put him down a few years ago. It was almost like losing her all over again. Not only did I watch my best friend pass away before me for the second time, helpless to do anything, but now I was TOTALLY alone. And my last tangible link to her was gone. I very much regressed. My sleeping habits, eating habits, drinking habits, social habits, all that had made progress, all regressed. But the upshot is that I think finally I am regrouping again. Again very slowly, but hopefully it continues. 

[foreverhis]

15 hours ago, SSC said:

your eloquent writing resonates with me so much.  I am not gifted with putting my thoughts down in words and when reading what you write it brings tears because this is how I feel as well.  

Thank you so much.  Though my career was in technical and scientific writing, editing, and publication design, I often write my feelings in stream of consciousness, poetry (some good, some...not so much), and here.  I tend to be rather emotive when I write and speak.  Maybe it's decades in theater and music or maybe I'm just a drama queen (John would have agreed with that, once in a while). 

I'm sorry that what I writes makes you cry though, unless you find it cathartic.  I often make myself cry with it and don't find that a bad thing because it means I still feel his loss as deeply as ever.  I'd rather have that than let him fade from me.  I consider it my responsibility to keep his memory alive, to tell our stories, and most especially to help his (well, our) adored and adoring granddaughter finish growing up.  In the beginning, any time I felt as if I wanted to just give up, I tried to remind myself that our daughter deserves to have her mom around for a while longer.  Sometimes it's so hard to care about that, but I don't want to let John down any more than I already have.

[foreverhis]

8 hours ago, LMR said:

You are exactly right. I do the very same thing and even though my family is very supportive and caring it is just impossible to explain the depth and complexity of that feeling.

Same here.  My small circle of friends and family do what they can.  They understand as much as possible, but they also know they can't "get it" because it hasn't happened to them.  I came to the conclusion fairly early on that one of the reasons we have trouble expressing our grief in words is that the words for it do not exist.  How can they?

[annie123]

It has been 13 months since my love passed and I am finding the start of this second year to be worse.  I cry more, I miss him more than ever. I feel more lonely and sad.  I hate going home to an empty house........Perhaps it is the holidays coming up that is triggering this.   I miss sharing life with my husband.

[SDC]

My answer: Yes! I came to the site this morning for the same reason. I'm also currently regressing--one and a half years after B's death. It's discouraging and exhausting. 

I recently had a public breakdown and I hadn't done that in over 6 months. My shoe repair guy gently told me he couldn't fix 30 year old boots I'd dropped off (he'd already repaired them a few times & they're literally falling apart). I barely maintained my composure when I told him to throw them away. I left the shop, started crying as I walked down the block, and returned--full on weeping--asking for the boots so I could take them home. WTF?! I felt insane, but couldn't stop myself. They weren't a gift from B, but I wore the boots on our first trip to Italy in the late 1990s. I always loved the boots, but I didn't realize they felt so connected to B. So now the ripped, falling apart garbage boots are in my closet. FFS. 

 

I had no idea I was going to fall apart like that---which is how I felt much of the first year. Like you said,I know grief isn't linear and it never goes away--but I was still surprised by that experience. It made me feel completely fragile and vulnerable again. Ugh. 

[BBB]

Could be the holidays that is the trigger. I know part of it was fall, that was both our favorite time of year. It's hard for me to get excited when I see the leaf color and think of her. It could also be the amount of time elapsed. The finality of it finally sinking in. Could be a combination of a lot of things. All I know is that this Oct/Nov have been more difficult than last year. 

It's weird, in the beginning they are gone and you acknowledge that they are gone....sort of. Over a year and you start to think, no SHE REALLY IS GONE. Odd thinking but that's how it's been for me. And I've had to go back to my counselor because family just doesn't want to hear the same complaints over and over again. One family member told me that I really need to get past this 'self-pity'. I'd talk to my youngest son sometimes (he's not a child, he's 20) but I stopped because I was bringing him down thus, I started going back to my counselor. Stupidly I thought that I'd gotten better, I thought I was past the most difficult stuff but sadly that has not been the case.

 

[KayC]

Annie, I also have that feeling like our life together was a movie I once saw.  It seems so remote from me now...like did it really happen?  Or did I just conjure this up?  I go look at his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate...they all point to his having been here.  I have pictures up of him everywhere, I see his handwriting.  I see the thick file on his Native American tribe.  He was here.  Why then does it feel so surreal?

[SSC]

@BBB I’m in the same boat.  I am looking to family for help and even though they are sympathetic I know they are tired of seeing my pain.  They need to move forward and the pain brings them down.  I just cannot seem to get my *$#% together.  I cannot regroup and focus.  My heart goes out to all of you in this grief journey.  It is such a struggle.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, SDC said:

I left the shop, started crying as I walked down the block, and returned--full on weeping--asking for the boots so I could take them home. WTF?! I felt insane, but couldn't stop myself.

Oh I get this...I'm so sorry, I know the pain, it's like anything we let go of takes us further away from them, it doesn't have to make sense to anyone else.  It is.

[BBB]

If I had to to guess Kay I would say that it's length of time. I'm going to hate reaching that point where it feels like a movie and questioning whether it happened or not when it was in fact the most important thing that ever happened in my life.

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, BBB said:

One family member told me that I really need to get past this 'self-pity'.

OMG!!!  I'm sorry, I'd have an earful to give them!  Pisses me off!  And I don't use language like that!  But this evokes a lot of emotion in me.  I'd send them an article and educate them!  That's me, I care little what others think of me, I want to set them straight, first and foremost!  I sure you are a helluva lot nicer than me though.
What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief

4 minutes ago, BBB said:

If I had to to guess Kay I would say that it's length of time. I'm going to hate reaching that point where it feels like a movie and questioning whether it happened or not when it was in fact the most important thing that ever happened in my life.

 

I don't know, it seemed it didn't take a long time to feel that way.    It just feels forever since he's held me.  Time seems to warp in grief.

[widower2]

11 hours ago, BBB said:

One family member told me that I really need to get past this 'self-pity'. 

You don't want to know what my response would have been to such an asinine and thoughtless remark. But they are fortunate I was not the one they were saying it to.

[widower2]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

Annie, I also have that feeling like our life together was a movie I once saw.  It seems so remote from me now...like did it really happen?  Or did I just conjure this up?  I go look at his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate...they all point to his having been here.  I have pictures up of him everywhere, I see his handwriting.  I see the thick file on his Native American tribe.  He was here.  Why then does it feel so surreal?

My guess would be a) the passage of time does that to us...even good memories I have of long ago seem more like a dream than real now, and b) Maybe like it was with me it's a defense mechanism. It's too insane to be real, so we see it in a more surreal way.

21 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Same here.  My small circle of friends and family do what they can.  They understand as much as possible, but they also know they can't "get it" because it hasn't happened to them.  I came to the conclusion fairly early on that one of the reasons we have trouble expressing our grief in words is that the words for it do not exist.  How can they?

Exactly....

[SSC]

Yesterday was a rough day with me crying and unloading on my daughter.  Later, on my tablet I saw a quick link of a hospice nurse on TikTok who talks about when people are near death they often see family, friends and pets who have passed on several days or weeks before they actually pass away.  Now, this isn’t news to me but it was a nice reminder that one day I will see my husband again.  I will have answers to my questions and this turmoil will eventually end…

So trying to pull myself together and think “logically” I tell myself what now?  What do I do now?  How to try and have a decent life without constantly regressing?  I am fortunate where I do have some flexibility in my life.  I will be 55 this year and I keep thinking it’s the many many empty years ahead of me that is so crushing and overwhelming.  It’s amazing how damaged I am from his death.  It has affected so many aspects of my life.

I am currently not working but the idea of working a job until I die has its appeal.  

[BBB]

@SSC There's no real good answer to the future. The only thing that keeps me going is NOT thinking about that. Trying (and I know it is difficult) to take just one day at a time. Thinking about all of the years I got robbed out of with my wife serves to get me angry and depressed. I understand the feeling though.

 

[SSC]

I wish I could not think about it, I really do.  It gives me anxiety attacks.  Also being alone too much. 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, widower2 said:

My guess would be a) the passage of time does that to us

Maybe in part, but it felt surreal even back then, grief seems to warp time.  It can seem like both yesterday and forever at the same time.  There's no making sense of it.

 

1 hour ago, SSC said:

I am currently not working but the idea of working a job until I die has its appeal.  

I felt that at 55 too but between age discrimination, loss of jobs, no one would hire me, it was a recession, then too I've had injuries that affected my ability to keep commuting so far (no jobs locally), and eventually one's brain gets tired and it gets harder and harder, I guess there's a reason people retire.

[Roxeanne]

14 hours ago, widower2 said:

Maybe like it was with me it's a defense mechanism. It's too insane to be real, so we see it in a more surreal way.

Yes i think you're right..we defend ourselves from a reality too much hard, too much cruel!

.and also the void...we can't bear the void they left in our life, in our heart, in our house!

I come to ask myself: why death means total separation ? Why it is so necessary ? It wouldn't be nice, not to say wonderful, if we can see them again, we still can talk to them ? They are dead but we can stay in  touch with them...

We could have avoided the nightmare of grief!

But of course mine are surreal questions  that make  me feel surreal everything!

We must to learn from an experience that kill us!!

As many of us know...we try to adapt..accepting is a different kettle of fish

 

[SSC]

@Roxeanne what you write about separation makes total sense to me!  My thoughts exactly!! And in my insane mind I somehow look for this possibility because then I could navigate the rest of my life in some fashion.  My life wouldn’t be a total loss.

[widower2]

9 hours ago, SSC said:

I wish I could not think about it, I really do.  It gives me anxiety attacks.  Also being alone too much. 

Somewhere I heard this: "loneliness is everything it's cracked up to be." Living alone can wear on you, like river water rushing over a rock whittles it down. I definitely advocate trying to get out as much as possible with family, friends, whoever. We're human beings. We're social creatures. We need company as much as we need food and water. Oh the need isn't as immediate or obvious and we can survive without it...but not really live, on the whole.

[widower2]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

It can seem like both yesterday and forever at the same time.  

Bingo. Perfectly summed up. 

 

Quote

I felt that at 55 too but between age discrimination, loss of jobs, no one would hire me, it was a recession, then too I've had injuries that affected my ability to keep commuting so far (no jobs locally), and eventually one's brain gets tired and it gets harder and harder, I guess there's a reason people retire.

Man if I could retire I would! But I admit although the job can take its toll, it is also a needed distraction. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, widower2 said:

I admit although the job can take its toll, it is also a needed distraction.

I agree with this statement.  What I don't miss is the 100 mile commute and working for an idiot...no other way to put it, plus never getting paid on time or appreciated...not once in my last seven year job, which was the worst of my career.  Between the recession and age discrimination, I "retired" years before I had planned on it.  But when it happened (I couldn't get another job so did volunteer work in my field until last February) I never looked back.  There's plenty to keep us busy outside of jobs.  Most days I run out of time.

[SSC]

A 100 mile commute is pure dedication.  I know you had no other alternative under the circumstances and you did what you had to do.  What you had to endure is amazing to me KayC and I am so impressed at your resiliency.  
 

volunteering seems to be key in giving us purpose and also in helping us to heal.  This may be a better place for me to put my efforts.

[Diane R. E.]

28 minutes ago, SSC said:

volunteering seems to be key in giving us purpose and also in helping us to heal.  This may be a better place for me to put my efforts.

I have definitely found this to be true! I retired in June 2020 and although I miss the students, I don't miss the long hours and stress. My husband and I didn't have children, so I live alone and yes, it gets extremely lonely. I started volunteering last spring at Covid vaccination sites (I'm an RN), and it gets me out of the house and allows me to interact with others who are truly grateful for the service. Of course it still hurts to go back to home and be alone, but it provides me with much needed distraction. Being able to pick and choose my own hours is an advantage too!

I mentioned earlier on this topic that the beginning of my second year without my husband is harder than six months ago, which others have experienced. Regardless of the timing, we are all experiencing grief and the physical and emotional reactions that goes with it, so my prayers and thoughts go out to everyone on this forum.

[KayC]

If I lived in the city and it wasn't 150 mile round trip, I'd volunteer at a dog shelter.  Of course reality is probably they'd have me shovel dog sh*t.    I'm too old for the commute, esp. with these winters.  I tried walking neighbor's dogs, look how that turned out!  (my hands)

I feel my heart drawn to helping people with grief, and diabetics.  It's important to find something we feel passionate about.  My daughter spent years donating her one day off to a food bank.  Some do to warming centers.  Bloom where you are planted...so important to realize what garden you're drawn to!

[widower2]

On 11/19/2021 at 11:02 AM, KayC said:

I agree with this statement.  What I don't miss is the 100 mile commute and working for an idiot...

Are you sure this was in Oregon? You described at least half of my jobs (mileage variance notwithstanding).

[KayC]

Well last I looked, this is where I've lived my life!  And I don't CHOOSE to be on the road if I am not compelled to!  I'm not sure the state makes a difference.