My Mom Died And I Am In Hell

[ESM]

I lost my Mom yesterday. She was 86 years old. She had already beaten colon cancer back in 2013. She then had and beaten ovarian cancer in 2019. Then two months ago she was diagnosed with acute leukemia. I thought to myself you've got to be kidding. Who beats cancer twice and then gets leukemia? The funny thing was the doctors were shocked that she was showing absolutely no symptoms. When she was diagnosed she was fine. Her blood work had been perfectly normal just five months earlier.

 

So the doctor prescribed some intense chemo. I tried to remain hopeful and thought to myself, you know the treatments are pretty good this day and age maybe she could fight it off and still be OK for a for a couple of years.

 

The chemo was to be oral chemo and 7 days of chemo in the arm. And she was to do three more rounds of the IV chemo. The chemo as one would expect took its toll as she was unable to walk more than two to three steps without assistance, I had to help her up and off the couch and onto and off of a commode. She wasn't really in pain and actually looked good. I figured this lack of mobility is a small price to pay to live. I mean what if she had broken both of her legs in a fall or something like that. At least she's alive and not in pain.

 

The initial blood work after the first round of chemo was good. The doctors were pleased and saw all the readings they were looking for including a nice reduction of the leukemia. She went home for three weeks and then prepared to have her second round of chemo. And this is the part I keep going over in my head.

 

She was set to go into the hospital on Saturday. Because of her lack of Mobility the hospital arranged a Hospital transport van to take her to the hospital. However due to some screw up the van never showed up. My mother desperately wanted to get to the hospital after all the anxiety of preparing to go in that day she didn't want to have to go through it again.

 

I then suggested why not use 911 to go in. Her own doctor actually had done that once before when the hospital transport vehicle couldn't make it. However, it didn't occur to me that when you go to the hospital through 911 even if you have an appointment by law they have to put you in the emergency room. 

 

She was in in the emergency room for something like 13 hours. The level of anxiety she must have experienced was ridiculous not to mention you're in a sprawling area with a whole bunch of people many of whom might not have been vaccinated and probably have something they can pass on.

 

The next day when I visited her at the hospital the doctor said she was a little too weak to start the chemo. In general she seemed just awful that day. The next day when I came she had an oxygen mask on her face and they told me she had a bit of a fluid build up in her chest. As result of this they removed her from the general floor and put her in the a step-down unit which is one level below ICU.

 

The rooms here have no roommates and no windows and in general are depressing and isolating  beyond belief. Fortunately by the next day the mask was off her face and she seemed actually pretty good. However she remained in this room for the next eight to nine days while they were draining some fluid out of her legs. I can't help but to think that being in this room with no window not able to tell night from day with no roommate contributed to what ultimately happened.

 

I came into her room yesterday and instantly could tell something was not right. She was practically not moving, really couldn't talk and seemed curled up like a crushed spider in the bed. I couldn't straighten her head. They told me she had a fever, and our white blood cells have shot up. Her vital Signs remained good and I remained hopeful. The entire time I was there she never really spoke.

 

Before leaving I just had a sense that something was dreadfully wrong. I went up to her, caressed her, kissed her head, kissed her cheek, rubbed her arm and repeatedly told her how much I love her. I was crying almost hysterically, and at that moment she looked up at me and said I love you. I said I loved you once more time and she repeating it back to me. It was the last time she would ever speak to me. I walked out of the room looked at her and hoped she would be good in the morning but deep down inside knew that something was dreadfully wrong.

 

I arrived home 20 minutes later, and about 10 minutes after being in the house the hospital called telling me she went into cardiac arrest and was gone. At that moment it was as if I didn't exist any longer. I was moving but did not really feel any movement. My legs felt like rubber, my head was swishing around, I was having heart palpitations, I was disoriented.

 

It was as if someone had stranded me on an asteroid 500 million light-years from Earth without a living Soul there for the rest of my days to just wander alone. The feeling of isolation, loneliness, disconnection, and just pure darkness was unlike anything I have ever felt.

 

And I keep going over and over in my head if only I hadn't urged her to use 911 to go to the hospital she never would have been in the emergency room and she probably never would have had the breathing problem the next day that prompted her move to the step-down unit which means the room with no windows and no roommates which contributed, I believe, to  her downfall.

 

I keep asking myself if her breathing was so labored like that, why in the world didn't I ask the nurse to put the oxygen mask back on her face rather than just the two inserts in her nostrils.

 

I keep wondering if I had stayed there an extra 2 hours perhaps she wouldn't have gone into cardiac arrest or if she did maybe I could have notified the nurses and they could have gotten to her quicker.

 

Also in the middle of the afternoon they told me the Infectious Disease team was supposed to come down to see her to give her new antibiotics and they'd be down before the afternoon was out. They never came. Plus I'm wondering if only she had gotten her new antibiotics a couple of hours earlier would she have been okay.

 

As I sit here dictating this into my computer I still feel utterly disoriented. It was really all that tethered me to this world. I lost my father, I lost my brother, most of my friends I've lost contact with over the years. I grew up with just me and my mom it's all really I've ever had. Without her existing I have connection to nothing.

 

Moreover, I really have pretty much devoted myself to being a full-time caregiver to her over the past several years and I'm currently unemployed thus I now need to seek employment with virtually nothing of relevant experience to put on a resume although I do have a couple of college degrees.

 

That's no job, no spouse, no brother or sister, no mother, and no job. All I tend to do is pace back and forth talking to myself going over the things I could have done differently. When I try to sit still or lay down I get a weird sensation in my legs like they're turning to jelly and I feel my heart starting race, I feel butterflies in my stomach, and I simply can't even find a comfortable position to sit or lay. It is hell.

 

I honestly don't see how I emerge from this darkness. I realize every child loses a parent. If it didn't happen yesterday it certainly would have in the coming years. I was very fortunate my mom made it to 86, especially having had cancer twice before. I was very fortunate with that. I realize that. But it still doesn't give me any kind of a prescription for how to exit this nightmare I feel like I've entered into. 

 

Well, I guess most people who actually made it to the end of this feel like telling me to just shut the hell up already. I babbled on long enough. I just thought maybe if I got this off my chest, it might make me feel a little better. I don't believe it has. Maybe you can help someone else. I don't know. I just hope anyone else going through something like  somehow find their way out of it. I just don't see how I'm going to do that.

 

 

 

[whytruffles]

Hey, I am sorry for the loss of your mother. It must be a great deal of pain and hopelessness that you’re going through and I am truly sorry. It doesn’t get easier from my experience but we just learn to live with and better manage the pain and forgive ourselves for the what ifs.  
 

I also just want to say thank you for sharing, you’ve certainly provided some sort of comfort for me having gone through something similar. Sending you a dozen hugs.  

[ESM]

Thanks for the kind words and hugs. They're really appreciated.

[silverkitties]

It’s easy to blame oneself, but from my perspective, you tried everything you could. 
The hospital certainly didn’t help: if anything, they were downright negligent. 
It was certainly the case with my mother, which I write about in my blog. Hospitals pay less attention to the elderly because they’re not expected to thrive.

[Lory]

I have to agree with this. I had a doctor tell me, He’s 95 what more do you want. He’s lived plenty. I wasn’t allowed in the hospital due to Covid but I would call and read his chart and they would just write “actively dying” or “critical but stable”. I still struggle with that everyday. I can fully comprehend that realistically people aren’t eternal as we would wish but their final days don’t have to be spent in hospital room with disregard to their life. 

[ESM]

1 hour ago, Lory said:

I have to agree with this. I had a doctor tell me, He’s 95 what more do you want. He’s lived plenty. I wasn’t allowed in the hospital due to Covid but I would call and read his chart and they would just write “actively dying” or “critical but stable”. I still struggle with that everyday. I can fully comprehend that realistically people aren’t eternal as we would wish but their final days don’t have to be spent in hospital room with disregard to their life. 

The fact that a doctor actually said he's 95 what more do you want, he's lived plenty is beyond appalling. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Please try to be well.