Momma's boy, I will forever miss you mom

[Shine Bright Light]

I'm devastated... I was over midflight when it happened and I didn't get to say goodbye properly... My mom has had health issues for quite a while, from kidney failure to heart/chest pains. I had no idea the extent of the problems as she was always strong and positive making it not seem like a big deal. I just turned 31 in July and her 61 in April. I wish I flew out way sooner but nurses on the phone made it seem she was fine and in recovery. She had 1 cardiac arrest last week, 2 more on Friday evening and few at night and the 6th and last on Saturday morning before my flight touched down in my home state. I wish I told her Ioved her more, I wish I took lots of pictures but I will always cherish the memories we made. I had just got my first house in march and my first own dog in August. My mom loved the pics of the dog and house I sent I wish she could've seen it in person. She was sick and couldn't travel without oxygen. The stupid insurance company didn't approve the portable machines sadly.  It was way too soon for her... 61. It was way too soon for me and I don't care if that makes me look selfish. My mom lost her mom (grandma) around 2016 in her mid 70s I believe. And her dad in his 80s in 2018. I haven't even gotten married for her to be at my wedding (I'm single) or a chance to have kids she would have loved too. I partly want to blame family (Aunt) since after the 6th cardiac arrest they said not to do chest compressions when the medical staff asked if she wanted them to. She said only defibrillator and medication. The medical staff called me a day prior and asked if I wanted them to keep pursuing doing everything after cardiac arrests I said of course yes but they listened to her since she was in the hospital at the time. There was a possibility chest compressions may have broken rib cage causing my mom more pain. I wanted her alive either way :((( By the time I got to the hospital desk staff were giving me problems and going through their process was horrendous. When I got up to ICU asking for my mom, the nurse said "mom's name who just...passed?" I turned white as a sheet saying what do mean passed? She said my mom kept coding and my aunt made the decision for her to pass peacefully. When I got to the room I was devastated and sobbing all over my momma. This all happened yesterday. Two weeks ago I didn't even know the full meaning of cardiac arrest and thought it was like a heart attack. The other sad thing is I feel like an young adult orphan since my father passed around 2016 even though he wasn't around. Also reportedly heart complications. My mom raised me and my sister alone since I was eight. She took on both roles essentially. I don't know when we're having a funeral/wake. But I want to to honor her wishes of being cremated and buried at sea. I keep telling myself this can't be real and is a bad nightmare though... There's was so much more I wanted to experience with her. I'm crushed. 

[ADM925]

On 10/31/2021 at 11:47 AM, Shine Bright Light said:

 When I got up to ICU asking for my mom, the nurse said "mom's name who just...passed?" I turned white as a sheet saying what do mean passed? She said my mom kept coding and my aunt made the decision for her to pass peacefully. When I got to the room I was devastated and sobbing all over my momma. This all happened yesterday. Two weeks ago I didn't even know the full meaning of cardiac arrest and thought it was like a heart attack. The other sad thing is I feel like an young adult orphan since my father passed around 2016 even though he wasn't around. Also reportedly heart complications. My mom raised me and my sister alone since I was eight. She took on both roles essentially. I don't know when we're having a funeral/wake. But I want to to honor her wishes of being cremated and buried at sea. I keep telling myself this can't be real and is a bad nightmare though... There's was so much more I wanted to experience with her. I'm crushed. 

I am shocked and heartbroken to read of your nightmare ordeal.  My mom went into cardiac arrest in the ER on 11/7/20 (from a blood clot they told me later) but survived and was put on a ventilator.  For the next 8 1/2 months we went through hell with the ICU for 38 days, then the nursing home with visiting being prohibited because of Covid (I didn't see her for 3 months), but by some miracle she got off the vent and was able to come home on 2/10/21.  We had 5 months together before I lost her on 7/17.  It was excruciating even though we were together at home (she left me while I was changing her bandage, which I shouldn't have been doing because her breathing wasn't right - this will torment me the rest of my life).  Although I am nearly twice your age (60) I am a forever Mama's Boy as well - inseparable from her my whole life and closer than ever since losing Dad in 2000 - and the agony and unbearable separation have only gotten worse in the 4 months since that day.  Mom was all I had in my life and her absence is more than I can take since she was my only consolation in this world.  I pace around the empty house screaming till I am hoarse ("Where do I run - where do I run without you??") day and night and dread each morning with a panic that gets worse all the time.  I hope this post hasn't distressed you but I wanted to share my sympathy with your terrible experience and loss.