What about my Angels bedroom?!

[Melodyannhudson]

Any advise on the bedroom issues? What have some of you done? Any regrets? I'm lost, it's been a yr. And a half and I can't bring myself to do anything.

[westleysmom]

I have done nothing in Westley's bedroom. the only thing that is different is the stuff that I put in there like sympathy cards and legal and insurance papers. I keep the door shut. He always did that after he got older, he was 20 when he died, but he still lived there and when he would come in at night, he'd go in there and try to be real quiet and I would hear the door "snick" shut. I used to wake up sometimes and think I'd heard it, but of course, that was just a dream. I just can't seem to face it. My friend whose son died two weeks before Westley had to move this summer, and so she did have to clean out Andrew's room. She invited some of his friends over to pick out keepsakes (shirt or hat or something like that) after she let Andrew's brother pick out anything he wanted to keep. I guess everybody does it differently, but since we don't have any other children at home and don't need the room, I have just let it like it is. Westley died in January 2010, so its been about the same for us both. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Melodyannhudson]

Thank you so much for your response and I'm very sorry for your loss as well. We are definitely in a similar boat. I have done the same with my daughters room. She was 17 and would spend a lot of time in her room as well with the door closed. I have put memorial items and things from her friends in there and visit it once and a while but not often and I feel guilty about that. Her bdrm. Door is decorated as she did her whole room, full of pictures, slogans etc. She would pretty much wallpaper everything including the furniture! Lol. I guess in a strange way I keep waiting for her to come home. Though I know she won't a part of me is still in denial. I think that's my coping mechanism.Aundria just walked out the door one morning and never came home. I have a hard time comprehending that. We were very close and were even texting up till the last of her time here. Her last words...Don't worry mom....! It made it hard because it was a high publicity thing here and it was only 15-20 mins. After she left I had a knock on the door. My life was changed forever. On top of it all they told me orig. It was my other daughter who had spent the night at her friends house. It wasn't until they brought out her jewelry that I asked theres only one right fearing at that point it was both! Then they finally gave us the news we needed to identify her and they did all they could but couldn't bring her back. We were praying the whole time for the wrong one! So that weighs on me as well. She had been hit by a car , driver tryed to beat a yellow and bent over to get something never saw her until she hit the windshield doing they estimated 38-45 mph. Said if she'd made it she would've never walked again and prob. Wouldn't know who we were like they were comforting us with that. They say she may have also been distracted with her cell phone or mp3 player. He had no registration, they got him for several violations but despite the car didn't even belong on the road...he's still out there living a life. People have told us not to make a tomb out of her room but to me it's all I have left of my baby. People have told us they don't understand how we still live in the same house, I'm sure you've heard it all to. It's a tug of war with everything. Now we have a newborn and that brings more emotional issues. My youngest son (then) now 9 had a bond with his sister every parent dreams of and he's autistic (Pdd) and he still talks to her and puts on memorial DVD s that were made by Aundrias friends and classmates. Talks about her all the time, it's hard knowing my newborn son will never have that or know her except through stories, Picts. And videos. Although I hope (I know sounds strange) that they met in the womb or that maybe he "sees" her as they say pets and babies sometimes do. When my son stares towards her ashes all the time I like to thinks he's drawn in that direction because he "knows" her in a way. That she's watching over them. Ugh! I'm sorry I just realized I was unloading a lot of things on you, guess it's because it's good to know your someone who can actually understand and are unfortunately going through all the emotional torments every parent goes through after losing their baby. I hope your getting stronger and are coping better. Thanks for sharing. Hugs!

[Melodyannhudson]

Thank you so much for your response and I'm very sorry for your loss as well. We are definitely in a similar boat. I have done the same with my daughters room. She was 17 and would spend a lot of time in her room as well with the door closed. I have put memorial items and things from her friends in there and visit it once and a while but not often and I feel guilty about that. Her bdrm. Door is decorated as she did her whole room, full of pictures, slogans etc. She would pretty much wallpaper everything including the furniture! Lol. I guess in a strange way I keep waiting for her to come home. Though I know she won't a part of me is still in denial. I think that's my coping mechanism.Aundria just walked out the door one morning and never came home. I have a hard time comprehending that. We were very close and were even texting up till the last of her time here. Her last words...Don't worry mom....! It made it hard because it was a high publicity thing here and it was only 15-20 mins. After she left I had a knock on the door. My life was changed forever. On top of it all they told me orig. It was my other daughter who had spent the night at her friends house. It wasn't until they brought out her jewelry that I asked theres only one right fearing at that point it was both! Then they finally gave us the news we needed to identify her and they did all they could but couldn't bring her back. We were praying the whole time for the wrong one! So that weighs on me as well. She had been hit by a car , driver tryed to beat a yellow and bent over to get something never saw her until she hit the windshield doing they estimated 38-45 mph. Said if she'd made it she would've never walked again and prob. Wouldn't know who we were like they were comforting us with that. They say she may have also been distracted with her cell phone or mp3 player. He had no registration, they got him for several violations but despite the car didn't even belong on the road...he's still out there living a life. People have told us not to make a tomb out of her room but to me it's all I have left of my baby. People have told us they don't understand how we still live in the same house, I'm sure you've heard it all to. It's a tug of war with everything. Now we have a newborn and that brings more emotional issues. My youngest son (then) now 9 had a bond with his sister every parent dreams of and he's autistic (Pdd) and he still talks to her and puts on memorial DVD s that were made by Aundrias friends and classmates. Talks about her all the time, it's hard knowing my newborn son will never have that or know her except through stories, Picts. And videos. Although I hope (I know sounds strange) that they met in the womb or that maybe he "sees" her as they say pets and babies sometimes do. When my son stares towards her ashes all the time I like to thinks he's drawn in that direction because he "knows" her in a way. That she's watching over them. Ugh! I'm sorry I just realized I was unloading a lot of things on you, guess it's because it's good to know your someone who can actually understand and are unfortunately going through all the emotional torments every parent goes through after losing their baby. I hope your getting stronger and are coping better. Thanks for sharing. Hugs!

[westleysmom]

I just saw your response and wanted to let you know that if I don't post again soon, its just because I'm headed out of town on a trip and won't be back until Friday. I usually post on Loss of Adult Child thread, you may want to go there. The friends I made there (since last summer when I found this place) have saved my sanity, such as it is. They all get it, and that is such a wonderful thing. My guess is that the "People" who say this and that about what you're going through, haven't been through it and so speak out of turn. We all handle this differently, and they, good for them and I really mean it, haven't handled this in their lives. Do not listen to people who have no idea has been my motto. And about praying for the "wrong" child, I believe that God knows what was happening and always knows. I have had a hard time with my faith in Him this past year and a half or so, but I don't think He was confused about who was in trouble when you were frantically praying for a miracle that seemed not to happen for you.

Just a little about Westley's death on Jan 13, 2010 (I saw that your girl's angel date was 1/18/10, the day before Westley would have been 21 years old, so we really are about the same time into this). He was at a friend's, I called him before I went to bed and he said he would take another friend home and be home by 11:00. We said I love you's and I went to bed. Woke to my cellphone at 5:30 a.m., it was the friend he was to take home, she said he was too tired to drive and spent the night on the couch (at her mother's where she lived) I even threw his bedroom door open to be sure she wasn't mistaken, but he wasn't there. She was to wake him for work at 5:30 and he seemed very still and his lips were blue and she couldn't wake him up. I told her to call 911 and we'd be right there. She called back and said the ambulance had left for the hospital. When we got there in what seemed like hours (really only about 30 min, if that) they took us in a room and had me sign papers to treat. I thought that was a good sign. Then they came back in and shut the door, three nurses and the ER doctor. I knew then. I took my husband's (Westley's Dad) hand and they told us that he was gone, had probably been gone for at least an hour before she tried to wake him. The ME report said that he had a couple of beers and some kind of prescription painkiller. Westley also had sleep apnea, and he just went to sleep and didn't wake up. While we were sleeping. I had talked to him before I went to bed on the last day of his life, and if I had known, I would have done anything to keep it from happening. He sounded happy and alive and I could hear his friends in the background. But I didn't know, how can we ever? Guilt is a horrible thing and I have to fight it all the time. There is more, maybe sometime I'll tell you about it, but don't have much time today. Youl will be in my thoughts while I am gone, as are all my friends here everyday. I have a new grandson born on Sept 3 who will never know Westley (I have a 3 year old granddaughter who did, but has mostly forgotten him already). We have to keep the memory of our wonderful angels alive for them, so they will know how special they were. Hugs to you and your family including the new baby. Take care

[bells76]

i'm stuck it's only been a few weeks but my 9 year old and 10 year old shared the room and always have done, my 10 year old mitchell is now sleeping in with is older brother but they clash and both need own space but that reminds him of Haydn, he did sleep in his own room again last night for the first time but he said he dreamed about H, so he's back in with his big bro who at 14 needs his own space to grieve. but i'm so not ready to pack H away it's only been less than a month since his very sudden death. i still can't wash his cloths or make his bed. so i don't know where to begin, i so want to leave every thing as it was/is xxx

[ddefrain]

You will do what you want and can with your child's bedroom when you are ready. There is no timeline in grief, no right way or wrong way to grieve, and the journey is unique to each of us. My 28 year old son Loren died January 4th 2009 from head injuries sustained in a drunk driving accident on New Year's Eve. I began putting things away in his bedroom at about the first year mark, but it was not all done at once, My husband and I did what we could, when we could. It is a traumatic event, because as we were boxing things up, the finality of the death really hits hard. We have turned his room into a guest room, but we still have some of his things set around the room, his bible with his name embossed sits on the night stand, The Houston Astro's Monkey that I bought him on one of our many baseball games hangs from a mirror. His favorite dark fantasy book that he was reading when he died sits on the dresser with a book mark...little things that guests that stay overnight don't notice, but it gives me comfort when I walk into that room. I have friends that 5 years after their son's death, his room is exactly as he left it. You will know in your heart when it is time. Take Care.

Debra

[Melodyannhudson]

i'm stuck it's only been a few weeks but my 9 year old and 10 year old shared the room and always have done, my 10 year old mitchell is now sleeping in with is older brother but they clash and both need own space but that reminds him of Haydn, he did sleep in his own room again last night for the first time but he said he dreamed about H, so he's back in with his big bro who at 14 needs his own space to grieve. but i'm so not ready to pack H away it's only been less than a month since his very sudden death. i still can't wash his cloths or make his bed. so i don't know where to begin, i so want to leave every thing as it was/is xxx

Thank you and I'm so sorry about what your going through, I know it's a nightmare you hope you'll wake up from every night. I still findyself randomly checking her memorial sight and praying it's not there and it's all been a horrible nightmare 1.5 years later. I know some people do the room right away and I've been told it's not healthy to make a tomb of her room but of course it's all people who haven't (thankfully) through this kind of loss. I hope your ok and I still haven't done her laundry or taken out her trash even. I still use the last hair towel she used on my hair unwashed! Her facial cleanser remains in the shower with her name on it and a broken necklace she wrapped around it. It gives me the 'everythings normal ' feeling I guess. Kind of tricking my mind so I feel she's still with us. I have to have her things left around so I can function as normally as I can. Thank you for your response and I hope this may have also helped you in some way. I'm told there's no wrong way, we have to do it any way that feels right to each our own situation in order to go on some how. Big hugs!

[Melodyannhudson]

You will do what you want and can with your child's bedroom when you are ready. There is no timeline in grief, no right way or wrong way to grieve, and the journey is unique to each of us. My 28 year old son Loren died January 4th 2009 from head injuries sustained in a drunk driving accident on New Year's Eve. I began putting things away in his bedroom at about the first year mark, but it was not all done at once, My husband and I did what we could, when we could. It is a traumatic event, because as we were boxing things up, the finality of the death really hits hard. We have turned his room into a guest room, but we still have some of his things set around the room, his bible with his name embossed sits on the night stand, The Houston Astro's Monkey that I bought him on one of our many baseball games hangs from a mirror. His favorite dark fantasy book that he was reading when he died sits on the dresser with a book mark...little things that guests that stay overnight don't notice, but it gives me comfort when I walk into that room. I have friends that 5 years after their son's death, his room is exactly as he left it. You will know in your heart when it is time. Take Care.

Debra

Thank you Debra and I hope your continuing to be strong. Your kind words and thoughts were really helpful and I'm thankful to have found this site and gotten the responses I have gotten. Helps me feel not so alone in my sometimes odd feelings about things and how quickly those feelings can change or even get stranger at times. It's good to not feel so alone although I wish that no one had to suffer these horrible, gut wrenching losses. I hope things are going good for you and your family. Hugs!

[Katiekate]

My situation is a little different,. I had twins in November of 2007, and our baby A, Everett, was unexpectedly sick, and later diagnosed with a collection of severe heart defects. He died at 20 days old and the next day we brought his brother home. We had to return home to a twin nursery, and just one baby, we had two of everything and we didn't know what to do with his crib or his things. It took me about seven months before I could tackle his half of the room, and it was very difficult to have to take his name off the wall and dismantle his crib and load his things into a trunk, but we got through it with the support of each other and of some family who came by that day to help out.

I'm sorry you have to go through this at all, take your time and don't rush it, I suspect your heart will know when the right time is.

Katie

[Bradleysmom]

I cleaned Bradleys room 14 days after his death....... my only regret is that I had to do it.

All of his sheets and blankets and a few dirty socks are pack away in a sealed container. I wanted to keep his scent, even if his scent consisted of cologne, armpit, corn chips and feet.

For me, I had a feeling of urgency to preserve my sons aroma, so that if I would ever want to revisit the memory of my son with a smell , I could. It was hard and overwhelmingly sad.........but once done ( It took all day) I felt that I accomplished something that only a mother would do for her baby.... And that is to preserve the smell of him through his dirty socks. A scent only a mother would love.

So sorry for your loss..... somehow we will get through this darkness and see the babies again.

[Bradleysmom]

I cleaned Bradleys room 14 days after his death....... my only regret is that I had to do it.

All of his sheets and blankets and a few dirty socks are pack away in a sealed container. I wanted to keep his scent, even if his scent consisted of cologne, armpit, corn chips and feet.

For me, I had a feeling of urgency to preserve my sons aroma, so that if I would ever want to revisit the memory of my son with a smell , I could. It was hard and overwhelmingly sad.........but once done ( It took all day) I felt that I accomplished something that only a mother would do for her baby.... And that is to preserve the smell of him through his dirty socks. A scent only a mother would love.

So sorry for your loss..... somehow we will get through this darkness and see the babies again.