not okay

[nothappy28]

everyday is hard but i guess the month of August usually hurts the most. My dads birthday is coming up on the 25th and four days later on the 29th is when he passed. i lost my dad when i was 14 and i’m 22 now so i guess i was hoping it might hurt a little less as time goes on. i actually find as time goes on i feel worse, sometimes even guilty for growing up and living a life. i wish i had someone to talk too or share the same pain with because i feel lonely and having to explain to people why i’m sad almost feels like “trauma dumping”, it’s unbearable. i feel like nobody understands how i can appear fine on the outside but everyday for six years i’ve been dying a little more and more inside each day. i don’t want to be 30 and feel like this but i don’t know how to work through this besides just pretending that i’m okay so my misery doesn’t rub off on the people around me

[silverkitties]

Nothappy, I know all too well how you feel. It’s been 7 years since I lost my mom, who was not only a mother, but a close friend and mentor.

When she died, I not only lost her, but many of my acquaintances and relatives. After the memorial service,they more or less left. I was stuck taking care of a dad I had increasingly come to resent over the years. It’s too much to get into here, but he destroyed my life. I also had to complete a textbook I was writing which was already overdue. (It should have been submitted in September—when my mother was rapidly declining.) This was in addition to reaching and finding a second job. 

The only thing that kept me sane was this site. I got so depressed one day that I started writing here when the anniversary of her first stroke approached. People started responding. I soon found friends here (I mention this in my thread just below). Of course, it wasn’t the same as having my mom, but it provided a lot of comfort I otherwise would not have had. I discussed my everchanging feelings of nostalgia, grief for mom, anger over my dad, music etc. I like to think that if it weren’t for my friends here, I might not have published my textbook. 
 

So I couldn’t agree more with Valerie: do write about your feelings. I’ve written so much here over the last 6 years that I decided to start my substack blog, substack.francesachiu.com. 
 

I wish you the best. Grief is not easy at all. One day, you will feel depressed, the next day, less so. Sometimes a triggered memory will make you feel bad all over again, But eventually there will be fewer bad days. They won’t disappear entirely of course, but it will feel less perpetual. And never feel bad if you feel you are “regressing.” Grief will always be a part of our lives when we’ve loved someone dearly.It’s the price we pay for love. And someone who doesn’t understand this doesn’t understand love.

Many hugs to you.
 

 

[Zee24]

On 8/14/2021 at 12:56 PM, nothappy28 said:

everyday is hard but i guess the month of August usually hurts the most. My dads birthday is coming up on the 25th and four days later on the 29th is when he passed. i lost my dad when i was 14 and i’m 22 now so i guess i was hoping it might hurt a little less as time goes on. i actually find as time goes on i feel worse, sometimes even guilty for growing up and living a life. i wish i had someone to talk too or share the same pain with because i feel lonely and having to explain to people why i’m sad almost feels like “trauma dumping”, it’s unbearable. i feel like nobody understands how i can appear fine on the outside but everyday for six years i’ve been dying a little more and more inside each day. i don’t want to be 30 and feel like this but i don’t know how to work through this besides just pretending that i’m okay so my misery doesn’t rub off on the people around me

I totally get what you mean by trauma dumping. I think that perfectly describes what life is like with bereavement. There are days that are unbelievably hard where just surviving and existing is in itself a huge deal. And yet, it is very hard talking about these things because it really is not anybody’s problem. grief is a very lonely place to occupy. I am really sorry for your loss. There are days where it’s just so hard to pretend to be normal, there’s a lot of pretending involved and sometimes you wonder if you are quite sane. Tiny tiny annoyances can drive you nuts, you can have violent mood swings. And I know I am fearful that people label me as someone driven mad with grief. I found I do a lot better with sharing, the act of sharing is so cathartic. But pretending to be normal is so exhausting