I cant believe I am back here---i lost my dad and my mom

[sadbeyondwords]

I was here only 3 years ago. My mom died then. Now my dad just died a horrible death. It shouldnt have happened this way. We saw him suffocating when we brought him to the ER. He kept saying that he couldnt breathe at all and the doctors did nothting .I said give him oxygen, give him pain pills...they gave him a freaken tylenol while he was suffocating. he was staring at me begging me to help him becuase he was in so much distress. the doctor did nothing. and then he died. a horribe, horible death. this is the last memory I have of him. I should have been yelling more in the ER. I should have been yelling to do more. I watched him die and I couldnt do anyting. he shouldnt have died. I have so much guilt. I cant stop thinking that if I had brought him to a different hospital or if I maybe didnt bring him to the hospital he would still be alive. I cant beleive this. the thoughts of what if wont leave me. What if I had brouhgt him to the ER a few days ago. What if he was on a better antiboiotic at home. What if I had started yelling more. what if i had kept him at home? I am so mad, so mad at the doctors. I am jsut so mad at everyhign. I did everything for him adn then in his final moments, I watched him struggle. this is not how people are supposed to die. it is supposed to be quiet and calm. not with him crying and struggling for air. i cant take it. now i have no parents. they are gone. what is the purposeo f this whole life. after my mom died, i focused on my dad. now what..it is all over. I am too young not have to both ofmy parents. oh