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Broken...................


Chads Mom

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When my 28 year old son passed away, I saw a lady that I knew from years ago at my sons viewing. (her son and my son attended a special needs preschool together) Her son had been born a micro preemie with multiple disabilities. My son had Cerebral Palsy due to complications following a surgery 2 days after birth that left him with multiple disabilities.

I chatted with her and thanked her for coming to Chad's viewing and she proceeded to tell me that they had lost her beautiful son 2 years ago and she just seemed so angry, upset, and all I could think was is this going to be how I feel 2 years from now? At the time I was numb and just trying to get through one of the hardest days of my life. One thing she said that has stuck with me is "people just don't get IT" Well... She was right, now I'm not saying everyone doesn't get IT. But my own personal experience has been those I thought got IT didn't and I have been left to search for some way to find others that get me and how this feels. It feels like my own family has left me in the dust and destruction of what I call my new crappy life without my wonderful son.

I know they just don't know how to help me through this but it just feels like I've been abandoned.

Please tell me I'm not the only person that feels like I do.

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My sons name was Chad. Even his last months of being here he brought such pure joy to us. He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer on April 4th, 2011 but he still had his smile and a knock knock joke for me every morning during his last months. Chad passed away on May 30th I wrote this on June 4th the day after his funeral. I still feel broken. Will I ever not feel broken?

I AM BROKEN:

I have come to understand I am broken…..

There are days I know I am being unreasonable and I apologize to others daily for being broken.

Is it in my head? Yes because the memories of you spin delicate fog through my poor sore brain.

Is it my heart? Oh yes absolutely and then some it feels like I had surgery just last week my chest and heart hurt where you reside.

Is it my hands? Yes because I touched every part of you daily with my currently poor unused hands….

Is it my face? Yes I wake up everyday and wonder who that sad lost woman is looking back at me….

Is it my stomach? Yes I can’t eat and enjoy anymore everything I put in my mouth taste and feels like cardboard and wants to find it’s way back up….

Is it my body? Yes it hurts every part of my physical being to not have you here with me.. I can’t sleep because I wake every night wondering if I could have changed anything I did for you, if I had only known I could have done so much more, If I had only known I would have drank in and savored everyday like it was the last. I physically hurt and know I am…..BROKEN

Broken Heart….Broken Mind….Broken Soul……

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Tweetymm125@aol.com

Dear C hads moon

I undertand how you feel because it has been almost 2 years and people do not get it I just feel alone because I always cry alone No one 'mentions Robs name as if he didn't,t exist It seems like I grieve alone I feel uncomfortable around lots of people because they act like I should get on with my life because they have no clue in he'll

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I agree, our friends and extended family have no clue, but here is what I have learned: Most people in our circle have not experienced the loss of a child, so they do not have the life experience to draw from when they deal with a parent that has lost a child. (and thank God they can't) I finally made it known to my sisters and my friends that it hurts me that they don't call me on my son's birthday, or acknowledge the date that he died or acknowledge that holidays are a difficult time and how much a card would mean to me that someone remembers our son, our loss and our incredible grief. What they revealed is that while they are thinking about our family on these dates, they have no idea how to comfort us or what to say to us. If we were having a "good" day, they did not want to spoil it, if we are having a bad day, they don't want to add to it. It is not that they don't love us, it is that they don't know how to comfort us. I realized that my husband and I had to tell them what we needed as ludicrous as that sounds to all who have lost a child. Once I told them what I needed, they were relieved and grateful to know how they could help us. As for those "friends" that expect us to be over the loss of our son, well, they really weren't friends to begin with and my husband and I cut them loose. I know that we have gone through a period of deep reflection in our lives and a re-evaluation and restructuring of our priorities, some of it consciously, most of it subconsciously. We no longer are big on crowds of people or big gatherings, we still don't do well with social chit chat, and we can only hold a smile for a short period of time. We prefer to spend our time with the people that are most important to us. Instead of a holiday party, we prefer a quiet cabin in the woods joined by our surviving children. Instead of a luncheon date with mindless chatter about inane topics, my husband and I prefer getting on our motorcycles and riding with the wind in our faces. I read early on in my grief that this journey changes you to your very core, and at the time I read it, I did not understand what that meant. But I am beginning to realize that what is happening to us is more of a centering and balance of our priorities. We realize that life is short, there are no guarantees and the way we now spend our precious time reflects these new values. For those friends that don't understand and are waiting for us to "get back to our old selves" they will be waiting a long time.

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Christina Mahaney

I am so sorry for your loss. I loved your poem, it is exactly how I feel every moment. ♥

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