I lost my wife on our anniversary

[LennyD]

On April 25, 2021 I lost my wife of 42 years. It was our anniversary. My world was shattered. It was turned inside out and stomped on.

Lisa was my everything. We were best friends. We were soul mates. We did everything together. We had grown old together. (She was 60, I’m 65) When I met her, she was too young to drink beer.

A blood clot on the heart killed her.

I have been numb ever since.

I thought I’d get over my grief in 6 months to a year. But now I learn via you folks and other reading that that’s not the case. This is a long term situation. I’ll never get “over” this. The hole in my heart will be with me for the rest of my days.

The holidays! Lisa loved the holidays. All the family rituals. Her birthday—every year these will come back to haunt me. The cycle will never end.

Lisa was the extrovert. I’m the introvert. All I ever needed in this life was her.

How in the world have you folks made in through these events?

Some days I’m fine and some days I cry like a baby all day long. Some moments I’m fine and the next moment I’m a basket case.

She was my whole world and I just don’t know how I’m going to make it through this. But I’m really, really glad I found this forum. I don’t feel so alone anymore.

Lenny

[tnd]

I am so very sorry for your loss, LennyD. Forty two years of marriage is quite an accomplishment. And a lot of time making beautiful memories. I don't expect my own pain will be letting up any time soon. I do the "one minute I am okay, the next I fall apart" thing too. I think this is what they call the Waves of Grief. I'm still early on it this so don't really know yet how I will handle holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and other important dates. My husband was in the hospital most all of this past year so I kind of already went through the first year of missing him on important days. I didn't cry much over not getting to celebrate anything with him, I was more worried about how he was doing in the hospital. It was a stressful time. Holidays and such were a blur. But I do hope to quietly celebrate these days next year in some fashion. I suppose I will cry. Right now I cry every day just over missing him. If I could, I'd bargain to skip every darn Christmas or birthday celebration for the rest of my life if I could have him back.

You are not alone with any of this. We each have our own story and memories and how it is affecting us. But we unfortunately have grief in common. So we'll be here.  

[Diane R. E.]

Lenny; I'm so very sorry for your loss - my heart goes out to you. My husband of 37 years passed away last October so I had to go through our anniversary in November, the holidays, and his birthday in January without him. I spent Christmas with my brother and his family, which helped, but I chose to spend our anniversary and his birthday alone, On those days I just let myself feel whatever emotions came as I thought about my husband. For ME, the worst pain of all was the day he died - I was there holding him but felt incredibly helpless not being able to do anything to stop his passing. This forum has been a true lifesaver for me, so please keep coming back to read and/or post whatever is on your mind. Hugs to you!

[LennyD]

Lisa was the family elf. When she did Christmas--the WHOLE HOUSE was Christmas. And she was always bugging me to put up more outside lights. (And I always dragged my feet).

And Christmas presents...she always had a ton of presents for everyone. She'd start Christmas shopping in June.

Thanksgiving, New Years, Easter....she always went all out. Everybody was invited. She always cooked enough for an Army.

Now it's just me....

We do have 2 sons. They've been very supportive of me and very helpful. We raised good kids (they're in their 30s). I'm so proud. And I'm glad and thankful and appreciative of them, because I need them now.

Lenny

[Sparky1]

Lenny, I am very sorry for your loss. Grieving is different for everyone and there is no set time to grieve. Losing your partner is very devastating and you just have to go day by day, it's like an uphill struggle that seems to have no end to its height. I'm almost at 9 months myself and I still find it very difficult to accept. I only have a pet dog to keep me company in the house and coming home to an empty house is very painful. I was always happy to open the door coming home from work and seeing my wife in the house. Now the emptiness just haunts me and I break down quite often.

I hope you can find comfort coming here, as we are all going through the miserable journey of grieving.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and the added cruelty of the day you lost her. This is very much a day at a time thing. Try not to look farther down the road much. Also pls don't impose any timelines, even vague ones, on yourself (6-12 mos etc). Some are able to recover at quicker rates than others, and it has nothing to do with them as a person or how great their loss was etc etc. It's just different. There's no way to know how it will progress.

No, you will never get totally "over" this, but that doesn't mean your anguish will remain as searing as it is now to say the least. It never is easy, but it does (believe it or not) get easiER. It does improve. Better days are ahead. I hope this site can help you as well; it's a good group of people.

[KayC]

Lenny, I am so sorry!  I thought it was hard enough losing George on Father's Day, I get double-whammied most years with the anv. of death being on June 19 AND on Father's Day...now they've gone and made a holiday out of Juneteenth, so I get both days drummed into me.  The death day is one I'd like to forget but that, of course, never happens.  I am so sorry for your loss, and that it falls on your anniversary is more than anyone should have to bear.  

I do hope you'll continue to come here and read/post as it helps to express yourself where other get it and understand.  Oftentimes our family/friends cannot possibly get it, no one can unless they've been through it themselves.

Widower is right, we all have our own timetable and there is no right or wrong way to handle our grief...unless it'd be shoving it aside continually...because that doesn't work.  I've seen it hit 20 years later with a vengeance, there's no escaping this unfortunately.  If there was, we all would have found it by now.

We don't get over this but eventually we learn to live with it...some here doubt this but they're still fairly early in their journey, I felt the same early on...it's been 16 years now.  It's not the same now as it was day one.  Day one my world had just ended, and the pain was beyond description!  Pain, panic, fear, not knowing how I'd do this....

I learned to take one day at a time and try not to think too far ahead.  I do that still.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[LennyD]

Thank you to everyone for your insight and support. KayC there is a lot of good advice in your "tips." I appreciate you posting them. 

I like the One-day-at-a-time strategy. That's real good advice. Just make it one day at a time.  I know somedays will go relatively smoothly and on other days I'll be really depressed. I told my sons about this. Their situation in life is different than mine. They have their spouses. They have interaction and jobs and family and things going on. I wanted them to know that my road is a lot rougher. Sure they miss their mother and they're grieving also, but we're coming from different places. It isn't the same. 

I asked them to keep me in mind and give me a buzz every now and then. Just hearing from them cheers me up. I wonder how long it will last, but at least they're trying.That's all I ask.

Lenny

[tnd]

On 7/12/2021 at 6:35 PM, LennyD said:

We raised good kids (they're in their 30s). I'm so proud. And I'm glad and thankful and appreciative of them, because I need them now.

LennyD:  They probably need you, too. Whether they realize it or not, they are probably trying to find ways to honor their mother and to "keep her close by". Maybe for them they know that their mother would want the 3 of you to stick together and help each other. You're still a family.  

[KayC]

17 hours ago, LennyD said:

Their situation in life is different than mine. They have their spouses.

Exactly.  Every loss is different.  I can't speak for others but for me, losing my husband is by far the hardest loss I've had...the second hardest was my dog, Arlie.  Those who are an integral part of our everyday lives, whose lives/love/caring was enveloped with ours, they are huge losses.

[LennyD]

Yes KayC, "We WILL meet again! ...my Soulmate, my best friend, thru all time."

That is exactly the way I feel.

I know she's with me. She has signaled me that she's present. YAY! I was so happy when I got my first sign. They confirm what I sorta already figured out ... that there really is life after death. The universe is on going and eternal. WE are on going and eternal. I firmly believe she's waiting for me and we will be together again.

These convictions comfort me...but I'm still lonely for her company. I miss her greatly.

[Gail 8588]

On 7/13/2021 at 5:28 PM, LennyD said:

I wonder how long it will last, but at least they're trying.That's all I ask.

Lenny, 

I have 2 boys in their 30s also. They have been very good at keeping in touch with me. 

We have sort of fabricated some reasons to be in touch. For example,  my eldest lives in Atlanta,  so both boys and I watched the Atlanta Hawks in the playoffs (all three of us in our separate homes) but we would text each other during the game, call and chat about the most recent game and the one coming up.  It was so nice to share that time with them.  They would have talked basketball with their dad, but I think they really enjoyed me stepping up and taking an interest. 

I am four and a half years into this, so I'm not in that zombie, nothing matters period.  But when you are able in the future, it's good to look for opportunities to be in contact with your boys. 

Gail

[John9]

LennyD,

I am sorry for your loss, I just found this post so I am a little late to offer my comments. I have read the posts and I have to say that we are all going through some of the worst things possible and this is the BEST place if you need to vent. My wife died in March and sadly she hasn't made her presence known unless I am too out of it to notice. I can't even say for sure if I have even dreamed of her because I am not remembering anything when I wake up (too often) We also met when she was too young to drink (18) and we were married for 34 years and she was only 53 (too young) I have found that some days are one hour or less at a time and my thoughts are all over the place. I cry all day long and I wake up crying and go to sleep crying. This is not what any of us wanted and in my case it was unexpected and sudden so it made it worse to me. I hope you can find some things to help you here.

[Diane R. E.]

On 7/14/2021 at 1:38 PM, LennyD said:

I firmly believe she's waiting for me and we will be together again.

Let me start by saying that I believe in the afterlife and know that my husband is in a good place. But I don't yet think about being reunited with him - I think maybe it's because it may not be for another 20 years or so, and I can't fathom going that long without him. Knowing he is in a good place brings me comfort but I miss him more and more every day. 

[KayC]

George was barely 51 when he died, I was 52...my family lives well into their 90s, I couldn't fathom 40 years w/o him but it may very well be what I get.  Getting to join him seems far away on the horizon, I wonder how many more years I'll struggle alone here first, then I dismiss the though and have to go back to "today."  It's too much to digest.

[John9]

KayC,

I am unable to "say" what the life expectancy is in "my family" as "most" of them died from unnatural causes (accidents,etc) so I don't know how much longer I could have to be ALONE. I am unable to process the thought of too many tears and years without her with me. And yes for me TODAY is too much without her how can I keep this up.

[KayC]

This is why I can only do "one day at a time..." in that fresh time of grief having to break it down into an hour or even just a minute.  Sometimes I think I'm better off not knowing what the future holds.  Life hasn't been too kind excepting the time I had George with me.

[John9]

Diane R.E.,

I want to believe my wife is "good" place and at peace, I can't stop thinking about being WITH her again because it is TOO HARD without her here with me. I know it doesn't follow the "rules" of "moving on" but this is me. As "everyone" else here has or is going through grief and trying to handle it their own way I am just stuck in a bad "dream" loop. As for the amount of TIME I agree that it may be too long but as I have stated before the time already is too long (today is day 125) and it seems FOREVER unlike the 35 years we were together. I just keep hoping that IF God has a plan for me that I will fulfill it SOON as I don't know how much more my BODY and MIND can take. The constant crying is wiping me out  and really tearing me apart. The least little thing starts the cycle all over again and the wake/sleep crying is there too. And as I said I don't even have the comfort of dreaming of her or remembering them if I do, so there is that running through my head along with all of the other "things" messing with me. That is me and my LIFE right now.

[june483]

On 7/12/2021 at 5:19 PM, LennyD said:

All I ever needed in this life was her.

LennyD - I could have written your letter, my situation is the same.  Wonderful adult children with lives of their own - my husband was the extrovert and I was always comfortable wherever I went when he was there.  I was 19 and he was 24 when we met.  We embarked on our lives together not knowing where we would end up, just that we knew together we would enjoy whatever life had in store, and we sure did.   Now I am 60 and he would have been 65.  

There is nothing I can say to help you heal, it has to come from within.  Just know, that I am over a year out. I feel like the party is over.  It was a great party but now I have had to accept his loss and am building my solo life.  Back to the place where I do not know where I will end up, and it is scary at times but - that is my destiny apparently and intellectually I have accepted it, emotionally it will always be a roller coaster of emotion.  The new me. The new us... and there sure are a lot of us.

[John9]

june483,

I have said many many times my wife WAS my EVERYTHING and I am NOTHING without her. She was 18 when we met I was 26, we married when she was 19 and me 27 she died at 53 and I am 61 (I feel like I died as well). Everything we did was for each other as I cared more for her than myself and she cared more for me than she did herself and maybe that was part of what caused her death. All I know is every TRIGGER is frequent and relentless and coming more frequently every day. I also have no choice but to accept the fact she died I just HATE the FACT that she died. I HATE being ALONE because we were a team in our life and in what we were doing. I wish you and everyone who has to go through this the best for "our" way forward. It is HARD for me but maybe it will be easier for others.

[Jemiga70]

4 hours ago, John9 said:

I know it doesn't follow the "rules" of "moving on" but this is me.

@John9 John, I'd like to suggest this: To hell with the so-called rules of moving on.  Nobody has the authority to predict where I "should" be at a given point in time. As many people here have already stated more eloquently than me, there are NO rules for moving on.  We're all on our individual journeys. We'll each decide what moving on means to each of us.  Me personally, I'll never move on -- and I couldn't give a rat's arse. My wife -- like yours -- was my EVERYTHING.  I may, one day, reach a point where the grief doesn't come in such overpowering waves, but that doesn't mean I'll "move on." Maybe it just means that I'll be better able to manage the grief.  Peace to you.

[John9]

Jemiga70,

Thank you for the comments, I also believe I will NEVER move on and SADLY I am not sure I want to. I KNOW I WILL NEVER STOP MISSING her and will NEVER STOP LOVING her. It's just so hard not having her here with me, I talk to her but she "doesn't" answer me and she doesn't give me the SMILE that I FELL IN LOVE with that made my day and my life. Where I am it has rained the majority of the last 30 days and it's raining now which isn't helping in the least and weather NEVER bothered me before her death. It is just one of the many things that trigger me and cause the waves of emotions. I know "we" who are here don't fit the "norm" and didn't or don't follow societies "rules" for grieving and that is why it is so hard, if only the support system was "better".

[annie123]

Lenny,  So sorry for your loss.  We have 2 adult children who are very supportive of me also, but they have family's, jobs and their own lives. I am thankful for the time they spend with me.  I was 18 and my husband was 24 when we met.  Married at 20 and 26.  We were married for 43 years.  My husband passed away in October 2020 at 69, I am 64.  I miss him every day more and more.  I feel lost without him.  I will always love and miss him. I am trying to take one day at a time and to look for things to be grateful for, like my newborn grandson. Such a joy!  My husband was a gift in my life, I will always treasure the time we had together. I wish we would have had more time together......

 

[John9]

annie123,

I am sorry for your loss, it just seems like "all" of us who married "young" are really having the same problem. Too much "loss" of the most important person in our LIFE. You are one of the the group of people that we were in, the ones who made the commitment that it was for life and now sadly it is a LONELY life ALONE. You spent more than half of your lives together like my wife and I did and now I don't know what to do without her. It's not like I don't know how to do things because I "ran" the house and "cleaned" the house because of our situation she was the sole wage-earner for the household and it worked for us but now there is that "issue" along with everything else. Stress is not a "friend" to GRIEVERS.

[John9]

LennyD,

How are you holding up? I know it is a "stupid" question but I also know it is hard. Everything that I read about you and your wife is how it was with my wife. She was the one who was in charge of everything, I was "only" the grunt work if she said jump I did and if she wanted anything I would try to find a way to get it. I don't know how I'm going to make it without her and her Birthday is in a few weeks and I don't have a good feeling about it as the other triggers were hard and mostly they were just "holidays" not something IMPORTANT like a birthday for the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON.

[LennyD]

John9,

It's a roller coaster for me. I'll be fine for a while, then I'll bust out crying. The least little thing gets me grieving. Her toothbrush, for example.

I did have a couple good days, and for them I'm thankful, but on the third day I woke up sobbing. 

So many people on this board with situations similar to mine. I'm glad for the sharing, but I feel for you all too. This is not a club I want to be in. it's not a club I'd want anyone to be in.

it's been 2 1/2 months for me. Many of you folks are close to a year or have many years under you belt and I'm thinking "This is me in 9 months, a year and a half, two years." I will love her always. I will grieve for her always. This is my new normal. What a shock. Three months ago this situation was the farthest thing from my mind. I still have a hard time accepting it. Grasping it. And like you all, I wonder...how many years do I have to put up with this misery before I get to join her. This is real torture. But I also believe that it's the only way. Suicide is out of the question. I feel like that would push me farther away from her, by the laws of the cosmos (God). I want to be with her ASAP. 

[annie123]

John, my husbands birthday is coming up on August 5, he would have turned 70.  I think I read that that date is important to you as well.

[John9]

LennyD,

I do understand the roller coaster analogy, I hate that any of us are here for the reason we are here. I also agree with the suicide thoughts as I have always been "told" the same thing and would NEVER want to risk the chance of not being with my wife again. I also was not even thinking about this situation as we were not aware of her health situation. We thought we would be the old couple like her Grandparents, who were married "forever" and died within 2 weeks of each other. It was always how I HOPED it would be.  Sadly I have been grieving a little longer and have yet to make it one day without crying "all" the time. I HOPE that the support you do have is there for you and can make it "easier" for you (at least at times) to make it through. I am TRYING but I am mostly ALONE and it is HARD for me.

[John9]

annie123,

Yes, that is my wife's Birthday as well she would have been 54. I don't KNOW if I can handle it as the other days were HARD enough without her. Our sons birthday was in April, Mothers Day and Fathers Day and "all" of the other "holidays" that triggered me as well as "every" weekend because she worked mostly Monday through Thursday so she should be "here" NOW. Everything is such a trigger for me. I have "always" said that since there is only 366 possible days of any year something "bad" (or good) has happened on ONE of them and now there is this reminder that I was RIGHT. The date of her Birthday is "good" but it will trigger bad for me and then mine is in September (6 months after her death) so there will be that and then if I am STILL alive the HOLIDAY season will be just around the corner and she LOVED the "family" time which is now so sorely lacking and I DREAD that so much. I know I'm supposed to not look too far into the future right now but me brain doesn't listen to me.

[tnd]

9 hours ago, june483 said:

It was a great party but now I have had to accept his loss and am building my solo life. 

june483:  I am 57 and I think if I was younger say, in my 20's or early 30's, I could learn to approach life in a new way but at this stage, I don't see myself changing much. Most of who I am is because of my husband and marriage. It was the second marriage for both of us and when we married, everything seemed to fall into place. It felt right and we forged ahead with building a life together. Now he's not here to make plans with. Everything I ever thought of included him. 

I remember years back a therapist told me that depending on the type of trauma we experience and how often we have experienced trauma and the older we get, the longer it may take to "bounce back" from it. That's why I am thinking that at my age I am going to need a lot more time. I am even wondering if I will just have to somehow carry this grief with me for the rest of my life and instead of wondering when the pain will start to subside, maybe I need to learn how to live with it and take it with me. But in a way that is not self-destructive. 

[John9]

tnd,

6 minutes ago, tnd said:

 

I remember years back a therapist told me that depending on the type of trauma we experience and how often we have experienced trauma and the older we get, the longer it may take to "bounce back" from it. That's why I am thinking that at my age I am going to need a lot more time. I am even wondering if I will just have to somehow carry this grief with me for the rest of my life and instead of wondering when the pain will start to subside, maybe I need to learn how to live with it and take it with me. But in a way that is not self-destructive. 

If this is true then either I am going to "live" a long painful life or I am going to die SOON because of all of the grief I am feeling. I have had "more" than my share of traumatic events  and this one is the absolute worst one ever and that statement is not a challenge for God to show me I'm wrong. I do know that I will DIE with this GRIEF just don't know WHEN I will die.

[tnd]

23 minutes ago, John9 said:

If this is true then either I am going to "live" a long painful life or I am going to die SOON because of all of the grief I am feeling.

John9:  Its not the same but I have been living with physical pain from different medical conditions for a very long time now. Some days the pain gnaws at me, other days it's enough to bring tears to my eyes. And then when I was diagnosed with Pulmonary Sarcoidosis, a whole other level of pain hit me. I can't take pain pills and don't really want to so I've  had to learn to live with it. Not easy. I've had to teach myself all kinds of tricks to distract myself from the pain. And now I have pain from grief. Nothing I have ever felt before. It is by far the worst. I have no friggin' idea how I am to cope and live with this kind of pain. At least not yet anyways. But I get the feeling I am going to have draw on some of my own past experience to get me through. I'm not there yet. I think the therapist taught me that when we don't bounce back as we'd like to be able to do that we have to learn to accept that while ALSO looking to the future. There are things we can think of or do each day for ourselves or for when the pain becomes too great. One of those things is taking a step back from the situation and literally taking a deep breath to bring things down a notch and let the brain switch gears. So if I cry, I cry. Then I breathe.   

[John9]

tnd,

Many years ago I went to my Doctor for something and one of the questions they ask is any aches or pains and my answer was that there isn't any day that I don't have pain. I got to the point where it doesn't do any good to tell them because I can't take drugs all my life because mostly it is from years of abusing my body physically and "getting" old. My wife was also in a state of "pain" for basically the same reasons but she took over the counter pain pills and it probably didn't help her in the end but that's a "what if" rabbit hole I can't go down. 15 years or so ago I herniated some disks in my neck and with TLC from my wife and DRUGS (which caused double vision) and 2 weeks bed rest I made it through and since then I have good days and bad and always said I'm up and dressed what more do you want. I don't say this to compare situations but the point is yes we all try to figure out how to cope with LIFE and everything it throws at us but this is DIFFERENT than anything else EVER. I have said that my wife "controlled" (kept in check) my emotions and this is part of my problem. How do I cope when my coping partner is gone. I don't know the future but I know it is without my wife , at least here on earth.

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, John9 said:

since then I have good days and bad and always said I'm up and dressed what more do you want. I don't say this to compare situations but the point is yes we all try to figure out how to cope with LIFE and everything it throws at us but this is DIFFERENT than anything else EVER. I have said that my wife "controlled" (kept in check) my emotions and this is part of my problem.

John9:  I don't know but maybe we have to figure out how to apply past coping mechanisms we've learned. I think I may have just learned something from your statement "I'm up and dressed what more do you want". It's blunt and maybe a little sarcastic but truthful. My own brother tried marginalizing my grief by comparing it to when my SIL lost her father and when a friend lost her son. Okay, those are terrible terrible losses but NOT the same as losing your spouse! There is pain and then there is PAIN. I might have to get inside my own head and go down real deep to figure out how to live without my husband. I would rather have 100 root canals than to have lost him.  

[John9]

tnd,

You hit the nail on the head and that point is "WHAT" they don't get. I have had many many deaths in my life and NOTHING has been as PAINFUL as the death of my wife. I just told her Aunt last week that even though she KNEW her for her whole life (she's 5 years older than my wife) the difference is the relationship. She was my wife who was my EVERYTHING she was her niece who she spent time with when they were younger and she talked to a couple of times a month and came over for dinner once in awhile. I know she loved her but not like I LOVE(D) her. There is the intimacy of the marriage which magnifies the level of LOVE for me at least. Add to that all of the things I have already written and you can see why I come here. I NEED to come here and vent and discuss and "learn". I also NEED my wife but as we KNOW that isn't possible.

[tnd]

41 minutes ago, John9 said:

I just told her Aunt last week that even though she KNEW her for her whole life (she's 5 years older than my wife) the difference is the relationship.

John9:  People can have many friends, many cousins and many aunts and uncles but we only had ONE spouse. The difference IS all in the relationship. Most of us don't go from being single one day and married the next. We've usually started some sort of relationship first. And yet, we suddenly found ourselves going from being in a marriage with our spouse to being alone.  I mean, to us, marriage meant two people were involved. It takes two. Seems so against anything that makes sense. How can it be that we "build up to committing to marriage" but suddenly what we knew as being our marriage becomes "no marriage"? So while I may have to accept that my husband isn't coming back, I do not know how to accept the "now you see it and now you don't" part of it. As if our marriage disappeared with him. Or am I to now continue on with the patience and hope that we will be rejoined later? I think the pain from grief is going to continue until I can be rejoined with my husband. And the only way I can think of surviving that (if I do) is by drawing on my past experience dealing with pain. It's a different kind of pain but nonetheless, pain. Emotionally and physically. 

[John9]

tnd,

Again this is why for "me" it is so HARD, the process of building the relationship was "slow" and the "destruction" of it  was so "fast". I have said I STILL consider myself married but I KNOW it isn't REALISTIC in the real world because she isn't coming back to me. I said before it was LOVE at first sight for me and it took her a little longer to "SEE" me that way but when WE committed it was ALL IN. I had ANOTHER bad night last night and when I CRAWLED out of bed it is raining again which is just a "perfect" way to start a crappy day. Many years ago this would be the day WE would just stay in bed and "cuddle" because we would not have had to get up, but those days ended about 12 years ago when my caregiving started. No free "US" time to just relax and as she would say vegout. It was just one of the things we were looking forward to after MIL finally dies from her dementia, OUR time without the responsibility of OTHERS. WE didn't know about the health issues she had BUT if and when we found out I WOULD HAVE taken CARE of her because I took care of EVERYONE ELSE and I know I said that before but again I come here to post my feelings and vent and this I NEED to VENT. This is TEARING me apart everyday and no matter what I have LEARNED in the past, it didn't prepare me for this. I had told her a few weeks before all of this started that I was TRYING to not let ANYTHING bother me that I couldn't control and it just blew up in my face with all of this PAIN and STRESS and everything else.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, tnd said:

I am even wondering if I will just have to somehow carry this grief with me for the rest of my life and instead of wondering when the pain will start to subside, maybe I need to learn how to live with it and take it with me.

Yes, that is what I have done, I carry my grief inside of me, it's never gone, it's there, it's like you live partly in the world but part of you is in grief too, I've learned to coexist with my grief.

16 hours ago, John9 said:

or I am going to die SOON because of all of the grief I am feeling.

If we got to die of our grief, then I surely don't know why I didn't because I remember vividly how those early years were.  It goes to show we are survivors, whether we want to be or not.

[John9]

KayC,

I understand what you are saying it's just this is so DIFFERENT from anything else I have EVER experienced and it is TEARING me apart. And of course I have very little support to help me SURVIVE the PAIN. And so I post and post and post again. SSDD

[june483]

I think losing a spouse/partner is different in the way that, when you and your spouse are in a committed long term relationship, you are a team, you grow together and you literally become one.  When you lose your partner you also lose part of yourself and your identity.   I am not just mourning the loss of my husband, I am also mourning the loss of me.  I am having to get to know myself all over again amidst the pain of grief.

[John9]

june483,

"I" said that when my wife died "OUR LIFE" died and what you said is just what I meant the life we built and grew ended when she died and NOW I have to figure out what to do. I also said and read something about your "better" half and I stated that my wife was 75 percent and it was explained that when "they" die not only do they take 50 percent of the partnership but they also take 50 percent of "you" or something to that effect. I also said it took me 35 years to be at the "stage" or level of love I had and maybe it will take 35 years to recover from the loss. I LOVE(D) her more and more each day and I MISS her more and more each day. We were a team in the married couple way but also in the care of her Mother and that was when we truly found out what LOVE was. I still do what I do because of that LOVE and will as long as I can.

[LennyD]

June483

That is exactly how I feel. That is exactly my situation also. Lisa and I were a team. We did everything together. It's like I lost part of myself with her passing. It just isn't fair. It isn't right. We were supposed to live till our 80s and die together. But no, that wasn't how things worked out. Now, for the first time in my life I'm all alone. I met Lisa when I was 23 & in the Navy. We got married shortly after that and I haven't been alone since--till now. Now I am alone for the first time in my life. The emptiness of being alone echos in my soul. 

[John9]

LennyD,

I was slightly older when my wife and I got together, I was 26 she was 18 and for the last 35 years we have been together with very few exceptions( a night or 2 here or there) and I HATE being ALONE. I have commented about someone choosing to be single and someone FORCED to be single and we ALL have been FORCED to be. I was single when we met and that part of my life I left in the past and didn't expect to be again and like you I expected to die together like her Grandparents 2 weeks apart or sooner. I also sadly agree that the emptiness echoes but MY HEART and SOUL left when she died.

[tnd]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Yes, that is what I have done, I carry my grief inside of me, it's never gone, it's there, it's like you live partly in the world but part of you is in grief too, I've learned to coexist with my grief.

KayC:  I don't know what co-existing with grief looks like for me yet, I suppose it's different with everybody. The pandemic made me sad and I know it changed how I look at the world and feel about people. I think I have more compassion now and try to be less judgmental. I try to have more of an opened mind. I just hope grief doesn't end up making me bitter or too depressing to be around. You've seemed to have put your grief to good use to help people who are struggling with it. That's what I call "positivity". I think you've done your George proud! 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, june483 said:

When you lose your partner you also lose part of yourself and your identity.

Absolutely!

And for those who don't know what I'm talking about, when I say coexist with my grief, it took me years to, in those early years it's all encompassing, it literally shatters you, shatters your world, everything is upended in the blink of an eye!  Your in shock, don't know where to start, panicked, it's the hardest thing I've ever been through!  I hear you, I feel you.

17 hours ago, tnd said:

KayC:  I don't know what co-existing with grief looks like for me yet, I suppose it's different with everybody. The pandemic made me sad and I know it changed how I look at the world and feel about people. I think I have more compassion now and try to be less judgmental. I try to have more of an opened mind. I just hope grief doesn't end up making me bitter or too depressing to be around. You've seemed to have put your grief to good use to help people who are struggling with it. That's what I call "positivity". I think you've done your George proud! 

Thank you!

18 hours ago, John9 said:

I LOVE(D) her

I do this too...speak in both past and present tense because it includes both!  We recognize that our life with them is past, but they are currently still a part of us and our love continues, hence the present tense.

[John9]

I am not sure what happened last night, I had a thought of something that happened in 1986 when my wife and I were just dating. She went on vacation with some girlfriends and I received some flowers (which I had NEVER received before) at my house. The card on the flowers said "to the one I loved from the one you love" I was "sure" that they were from her but until she came back from vacation I couldn't ask her. She came home, I asked her and she said "Who did you think they were from?". I said there was no name and I HOPED they were from her. And that was the moment I knew that she really did LOVE me. Anyway my "question" is would the fact that I haven't thought about that since it happened in 1986 could this be an attempt to contact me or am I "wanting" it to be or does it matter because it is such a happy memory.

[KayC]

I don't know, but it could be, I would take it as such as it's a comfort!

[tnd]

23 hours ago, John9 said:

Anyway my "question" is would the fact that I haven't thought about that since it happened in 1986 could this be an attempt to contact me or am I "wanting" it to be or does it matter because it is such a happy memory.

John9:  I'd say that your wife sent those flowers as a way to show her love for you and wanted it to be memorable. You are remembering and I'd say that is exactly what she wanted. 

[John9]

tnd,

I "took" it that way, it was just "funny" that I hadn't thought about that since she did it really. I know that my memories are ALL I have left of her and that is ONE of the best ones I have because it was the FIRST time a "girl" had even acknowledged me in "that" way. I have been "looking" for signs from her since she died and maybe I am grasping for them but maybe not. It is just SO HARD without her and it's not getting better. I am so tired of this feeling and how much it HURTS and that is after my son called me yesterday and my wife's Aunt visited.

 

 

[tnd]

John9:  I am SO glad to hear well, read, that your son called and your wife's aunt visited. Oh, I hope you keep it going. Maybe they will realize that by talking/visiting that it not only helps you but could help them as well. They may not say it but you can bet that they have their own fair amount of grief. I just think that when people are able to help each other, a lot of good comes from it and as an individual, whether we are told or not, we can flourish from it in some way. 

I am wondering if you might consider revisiting those rose bushes the deer were snacking on.