Lost my girlfriend to osteosarcoma at age 20

June 24, 2021

I'll start by telling you a bit about her, we met in November 2019, back then i was 25 and she was 19, she was my first girlfriend, and i was her first boyfriend, we were both very shy, but we liked each other so we took things slow (took us 10 months to get intimate). When we met she was a first year medical student so she didn't have much time for a relationship, but we made it work, with a lot of patience on my side. I'm going to call her "Gabi" since i don't want to give out her real Name

She made me very happy so for me life became "just waiting for our next date" which usually was once a week or even less during the covid quarantine we didn't saw each other for 40 days.

It all started last year in June 2020 when she first noticed back pain, after more than a month in quarantine, she assumed that the pain is due to something minor like sitting in a bad position or maybe she might have forced herself a bit too much exercising.

On 17 July 2020, during a date she started to feel her leg weird, and got really concerned, she called her mother, and they talked about the possibility of having multiple sclerosis, since her doctor suggested it. I got really scared when i heard that, but she assured me that even if it's that it can be kept in check and she won't die from it. She didn't want to continue the date so i took her home it was a Friday, and some relatives came over for the weekend (we lived by the beach so in the summer many friends and relatives came to stay at her house) so we couldn't see each other because her mother wanted her to spend time with them, and she didn't want to take me with (she didn't like to mix friends, relatives and boyfriend, something i didn't agree with, but i had no choice but to accept).

She was supposed to get an MRI on monday but the next day, she didn't respond to my messages on whatsapp so i checked on snapchat to see her location (i had a bad feeling) to my shock she was at the local hospital, i called her but she didn't respond but she then left me a message that she is ok and just went for the checkup she was supposed to do on monday. Later that day she told me that it's not multiple sclerosis, but just as bad... an 8cm tumor on her spine, hearing this news was devastating, but she told me not to worry, because its operable, and probably benign.

Sunday, 19 July, she already moved to a private hospital to get operated i didn't even get the chance to see her, then monday she went into the operation, it lasted around 12 hours and finished the next day at 4 AM, i was very worried but the operation was a success and she recovered fully, later i found out that it was a very risky operation and they barely found a doctor who accepted to do it.

The next 2 weeks she stayed at home to recover, she didn't want me to visit, because she didn't want me to see her like that, but i insisted so she let me visit 4 times during those 2 weeks.

Her mother wanted to make sure everything was ok so she decided to take her to a private hospital in Austria (we live in Romania so she didn't trust our doctors, and wanted the best for her daughter). In Austria the doctors told her that the tumor is malign and osteosarcoma with atypical cells from 5 types of cancer, resistant to chemotherapy, and gave her 5% chance of survival, with 4-6 weeks life expectancy. When she heard this she thanked her parents for raising her well, and told her mother that she must break up with me so i won't suffer later, i only found this after her death.

At that time she didn't want to try any treatment, and told her mother to leave (her mother wanted her to try), after 2 hours she asked for her to come back, she told her that she will do the treatment with 3 conditions: 1) to buy her a dog for emotional support, 2) to go on a vacation with her and her father before she starts the treatment, 3) that she would stop doing research about her condition, and ask her mother to do it for her, and give her the filtered information so she could stay positive. Also she told her parents that if she dies they should adopt a child, and that they should already start the paperwork since it's gonna take alot of time for the adoption

Later that day she told me the bad news, but didn't give me much information, i only knew that it's osteosarcoma, and that she must start chemotherapy as soon as possible in order to get well. and that i should cancel our vacation planned for next month, she also tried to break up with me, but i stopped her before she could say anything because i figured what she was about to say, and told her not to do it, because it's my choice, and i chose to stay by her side. She was very surprised and happy to hear me say that she even told me that nobody would chose to stay with someone in her condition, and that she understands if i don't want to.

After she got back from Austria, she went on a 5 days vacation with her parents, i was a bit mad that she didn't also take me, but i accepted it, she explained later that she tried but they didn't have another free room, and since there where still restrictions due to covid i couldn't stay with her if i booked another hotel (not sure if true but it doesn't matter anymore).

After she came back from the vacation, we spent a bit more time together, to say our goodbyes before she went away for 6 months (i couldn't see her due to low immunity, we talked about seeing each other once a month but only if she felt ok).

I was really scared of the idea that she might not get better so i even went to church and prayed that she gets well and comes back to me.

In September 2020 she started her chemotherapy, after the first round which lasted 3 days she felt awful, during those 3 days she didn't talk with me, she only opened whatsapp so i could see the messages read and take it as a sign that she is still alive, then after 2 weeks of recovery she decided not to continue with chemotherapy, and instead try an alternate treatment with Tien Hsien, which she said it was approved in France as a cancer treatment. I was sceptical about the treatment, but she assured me that it's effective and that she will get better, and the bright side was that she could come back and have a normal life.

She went to a naturopath doctor that prescribed her the Tien Hsien along with other natural supplements that are good against cancer, and life went back to normal, she returned from chemotherapy 3 days before my birthday, it was the best present ever.

Everything was good, we went to a vacation in December, we spent the Christmas together with her family, we spent the new years eve together, we even went skiing together in February.

In November she started to have back pains, but she told me that it's normal after such an operation, i was worried but she assured me that its normal so i tried not to worry.

But then in March everything went to hell, she did another MRI, and they discovered that she was full of tumors, some around the operation, and she also had a metastasis in the lungs. Her mother hid this from her, and only told her that there are some small tumors around the operation. On 16th of March i was diagnosed with Covid, so we couldn't see eachother for 14 days, fortunately i didn't see her since 12th of March and by some luck she didn't get infected because otherwise she would have died and it would have been my fault.

Anyway, i stayed home for 14 days, we talked but at the end of my quarantine she started to act weird, she didn't respect her program (the doctor told her to go to sleep before 9pm and wake up at 6-7am) but in the last 2 days of quarantine she slept until 10 am which was weird since she respected the program for the last 6 months, so when i finished my quarantine it was 1 April, i went to work, i left her a message on whatsapp, like i always do, but then at 12am she still didn't respond so i felt something bad was going on, so i left work, and went straight to her home to check up on her, once i arrived her mother saw me outside trying to call Gabi, she came out with tears in her eyes, and told me that "In one week the cancer put her to bed" i instantly panicked, i didn't know what she meant, then she asked me if i wanted to see her, of course i said yes but when i was heading inside her father came out and told me not to come because she doesn't want me to see her like this.

Worried sick i went back to my car, meanwhile she responded and told me that everything is ok, and that she is just tired because she couldn't sleep due to the back pains. I was scared so i didn't went back to work, instead i went home to tell my parents what happened, once i arrived home i got a message from her mother: "she doesn't want you to know but she is paralyzed from the waist down, don't tell her i told you". I instantly started crying, i had no idea what to do, she was telling me she is fine, and her mother was telling me she is paralyzed, so i took a screenshot of what her mother told me and confronted her, not the best choice but i couldn't believe it unless she confirmed, and she indeed confirmed it was true, and asked me not to tell anybody else, her mother got angry at me for telling her, she got mad at her mother for telling me, but i'm not sure what else i could have done, because i couldn't pretend everything is ok.

Seeing how bad the situation is, i assumed the logical way to proceed was for her to get admitted to hospital, and do some checkups to see what is the reason for paralysis so i asked her to promise me that if she has to get admitted to the hospital she will let me see her one more time, and she agreed.

On 7th of April, she agreed to see me because she was about to get admitted to the hospital, and asked me to bring her some of her favorite food (she was on a diet for the last 6 months as part of her treatment). The date was great, she sat on a chair because she didn't want me to see her in bed, her mother thanked me later that night for making her daughters day happy.

After that she started her chemotherapy, just like the first time, she felt awful, a week later she came home, i got to see her again, she asked me to help her with getting her friends present wrapped because it was her birthday, and then i went to her friend and gave her the gift because she didn't want her friend to know what was going on, the next day we saw each other again because it was her dog's birthday, and we celebrated it together, then she was about to start a round of radiotherapy on 4th of May.

The last time we saw each other was on 1st of May 2021, one day before Easter (i didn't see her on Easter because some relatives came over and she didn't want to leave her room to be seen by the relatives and didn't want me to see her in bed). After that she did a week of radiotherapy, another week of chemotherapy after but instead of getting better she got worst, she couldn't move her right hands fingers, and could only move 2 fingers from the left hand, she also caught a cold from the hospital, she stopped eating because her throat was hurting, she had fever, so instead of coming home she stayed another week in the hospital (3 weeks total with the treatment). She got better, her cold was gone, she started eating so they let her go home.

Another week later she started having trouble breathing so they connected her to an oxygen machine but she could no longer eat because of the oxygen machine (she got nutrients intravenous).

On 5th of June 2021 one of her best friends showed me a post on facebook, made by her uncle asking for blood donations for her, and asked me if i knew anything about it, i had no idea what was going on, so i asked both her and her mother, and they told me that it's a mistake, and that he didn't understand, it seemed very suspicious so both me and her friend kept asking questions, so her mother told us to stop because we are hurting her emotionally. We were very worried but we stopped asking her, and instead talked between us, her friend had no idea what was going on, so i told her the truth, and we compared messages, she was telling her friend, that everything is ok, and that she is making puzzles at home and she was telling me that everything is ok, that she is in hospital and they only need a compound from the blood that gets low due to chemotherapy.

We had no idea what to believe, she was lying so well to her friend that i started questioning how much of what she told me is true, i knew more than her friend but by how much ?

Since our parents were colleagues my father knew the situation was really bad, and that she might not make it, so he told me. I was devastated, the thought of losing Gabi was frightening, i was again in the situation of needing a confirmation from her that is indeed this bad, but i couldn't just tell her "hey i know you are dying let's talk about it", so instead i confronted her mother, and she confirmed, and told me that she wanted to tell me the truth but that Gabi always told her that if i ask to just tell me that everything is ok.

That day me and her mother had a very open discussion, after she admitted that Gabi won't make it, i explained to her that for me it would be very helpful to see her one more time to say goodbye, and she said that Gabi told her she already said her goodbyes in her mind when we last saw each other back in may. She tried to convince Gabi to let me see her but she didn't accept, because it would be too sad and didn't like breakups. I tried to find a reason to see her, even bought her a present, but she didn't let me come, she sent her mother to take it.

I even told her directly that i want to see her, and she said that it would be an awful experience for her to be seen in this situation, because it give her anxiety, and promised that once she gets better we'll see each other.

A week later, on 11 June my mother came around 8am and woke me up, because she just received a message from Gabi's mom, and asked me if she talked with me, i told her that i have no idea, and asked to see the message. My worst fear came true the message was roughly translated to "Our Gabi is living her last moments and i think it would help her if people came to light up a candle for her, if you think you can be here for here we are waiting for you" this was a message sent to more people, then she sent another message just to my mother "please be careful how you give this news to your son, from my talks with him, i don't think he is prepared for this".

As soon as i read this, my hands started shaking, i felt the world collapsed around me, since i knew she didn't want me to see her like that, i asked her mother if i can also come, and she said "You can come if you want, but i don't think it's good for you to go through this, you won't be able to see her, we will stay in the living room"

I accepted that i won't be able to see her, but being close was good enough, my father took a day off from work, and came with me to make sure i'm ok, once we got there the door to her room was open, i could see her legs, her parents were by her side, and i sat down on the couch in the living room looking at her legs. After a minute, her mother came out, apologized to me for having to go through this, and told me that if i want i can go inside because she doesn't think Gabi is conscious.

I went inside and i sat down on the other side of the bed behind her so she wouldn't see me , her father was in front of her sitting on his knees crying, i grabbed her foot with my hand since i knew she wasn't able to feel it and i stayed like that for a few minutes crying, then her father got up, and told me that if i want i can go near her in his place, i got up, and sat down in front of her and i grabbed her hand, she woke up, was a bit panicked because i was there, she told me that she is not feeling well, i told her that i love her, she said she loves me too i kissed her and she said "we'll talk" i asked her if she wants me to leave and said yes so i moved to the other side of the bed and stayed there for a couple more hours.

In the meantime i also let her friend know that she is dying and told her if she wants she could come, but she said she can't stop crying and she is afraid to see her best friend like that.

After a few more hours everybody went outside and i was left alone with her, i went back in front of her and i waited until she woke up, and when she did, again, i could see the panic on her face, but then she quickly calmed down, raised her hand up, put it on my chest, then closed her eyes, and smiled for a few seconds, then opened her eyes and told me that she can't breathe, i asked if she wants me to get her mother, and she said "no, there is nothing she can do, i'm close to the end", with tears in my eyes i told her again that i love her, she said she does too, then she told me again "we'll talk", i asked her if she wants me to leave, she said yes, and i went outside to cry.

That night i stayed in the living room on the couch looking at her feet, and hearing her say "air", while her parents slept next to her. At 4 am her mother woke up, came outside and told us that her heartbeat is very slow and might die soon, everybody rushed with candles saying prayers, and turned her back. After that her mother went outside to smoke, and i went with her, that's when she told me about the 5% survival chance, 4-6 weeks to live (which turned into 10 months) and that she can't breathe because she has tumors in her lungs (Gabi told me that it's a side effect of the morphine).

At around 10AM her parents went outside because they said she can't die because of them (she had terrible pain she took a full dose of morphine every 3 hours, and fought for every breath of air, at this point death would be better for her). After they left, i laid down next to her, i whispered in her ear "you can go now, please stop suffering, i love you, we'll talk" she woke up, turned around to see me, i kissed her on the cheek, and she pushed me away with her hand, then i left, and i went to print a photo of her, as soon as i left she died at 11:02. I found out when i came back.

The next day i went to the funeral home, sat with her until next day at 3am then went home to change, and came back at 6am, and stayed with her until the funeral, and watched her get lowered into the grave.

As a conclusion, this experience was very excruciating i have no idea how i was able to watch her like that, but i'm glad that i did, because now i have no regrets, i was able to say goodbye, i was able to be at her side, i was able to put in her coffin, some things that i felt should be there, i chose what jewelry she will wear forever. After she came back from Austria i gave her a bracelet to remember her of me during the chemotherapy, and she gave me a bracelet for my birthday and also bough one for her so it would be matchy, and we also bought 2 special magnets that we attached to the bracelets so when we hold hands they stick together. So i put on her hand the bracelet that i got her, and i took the matchy bracelet that she got, and now i wear both on my hand and they are stuck together by the magnets, as a symbol that even tho we are separated we are together in my heart.

Also a few weeks before she died she bought 4 bracelets, she gave one to me, she was wearing the other one when she died, and the other 2 where unopened, so after her death i gave the other 2 to her 2 best friends, she kept her bracelet on her hand and i have the other.

I suffered very much before she died, in constant fear that i might lose her, but after she died i felt peace, and the last 2 days with her helped me a lot to understand that it's better, because otherwise she would have lived in constant pain, and paralyzed, there was nothing medicine could do for her, between the MRI in March and after the 3 chemo and radio sessions she did another MRI and the cancer increased by 10%, the treatment was ineffective there was nothing she could do to change her fate.

And i am very thankful to her that she managed to protect me in the last 10 months, even tho i was mad at her for lying to me, in the end i understood why she did it, if i knew from the beginning i wouldn't have been able to enjoy the last few months with her knowing that it will end in June.

Right now i feel lost and empty, nothing brings joy to my life, it has been 12 days since her death, and i have no idea how i'll live without her, she was my reason to smile, my reason to wake up in the morning, the most important person in my life, and a very strong girl

June 25, 2021

Silviu,

I am so glad you had Gabi in your life. I am so sorry that your time together was so short.

It is totally understandable that you feel lost and empty. Your Gabi is gone and your future with her is gone. It will take some time to grieve that loss. It will take time to feel like you can live without her. Be kind to yourself.

Gail

June 25, 2021

Silviu, I would like to say sorry for your loss. Your story is very touching and I even had tears relating my story to yours. My wife also had a tumor on her spine, among other places and she was in a lot of pain in the end. I can see that you had a lot of love for her, and I admire that. You cared for her and was always trying to be there for her. I'm sure she appreciated everything you did for her, and she also cared for you because she didn't want you to see her when she wasn't doing well.

We are here for you, and we can relate to your experience.

June 25, 2021

Silviu, I am sorry for your loss and for the pain and sadness you have right now. Your girlfriend Gabi was lucky to have you in her life. You treated her very well. Especially when she needed you most. Her family probably is grateful that she had you in her life to make her happy. You gave her the gift of love and that is forever with her.

June 25, 2021

Thank you for the kind words.

Before I met her I wasn't happy, just went to work, then straight home to watch movies and serials, I didn't have any friends to go out with, and even when my colleagues asked to go out next weekend I didn't go because I lived in another city so I didn't want to stay another day in the city I was working just for a 2 hour meet with them.

Gabi lived in my home city so it was perfect I could see her everytime I came home, I worked in shifts, 4-5 days at work then 4-5 days at home so plenty of time to see her.

We met through our parents, her mother saw me at work one day when I came do give my father a ride home, she liked me and told my father that she would like me to meet her daughter.

To be honest I wasn't too interested but I promised myself a long time ago that I will never pass an opportunity to meet a girl so I accepted, even tho I had no idea how to ask a girl out or what to do on the first date.

Before our first date we didn't talk much we only knew about each other what our parents told us so her mother invited me and my family over for dinner, so I could meet Gabi.

We didn't speak much but we exchanged phone numbers.

She was beautiful but she didn't care about her looks when we met she was wearing pijamas, her hair was messy like she just woke up and was wearing no makeup(I never saw her with makeup, just lipstick but she looked great without it) , and I still liked her, she impressed me with her way of thinking, I always called her the female version of me.

The next day her mother told me that she liked me and if I asked her out on a date she would accept. It took me an hour to prepare my 3 words speech. After I got the courage I called and asked her out, I could tell from her voice that she was very happy, and a bit surprised (I was the first guy to ever ask her out)

We programed the date 2 hours later, I went to her home took her, stated driving we talked for a bit and then she asked me where are we going, that was the point when I realized I had no idea, but she proposed an restaurant so we went there to grab a drink.

During that date we realized how much in common we had we both liked everything the other liked, it was very easy to get along and find stuff to do. That's when she became my friend.

Even tho our dates where great we were both shy and afraid to make any move, we didn't hold hands, we didn't kiss, didn't hug, we were only friends. It was very confusing for me because during our dates, she seemed very interested in me, but between our dates we didn't talk much, it was taking her hours to respond to my messages so I wasn't sure if she liked me.

At the 5th date I decided to tell her how I feel, she also talked with her friend about the fact that we don't touch and that she isn't sure if I liked her (her friend told me after she died) so her friend teached her how to initiate a touch using the "my hands are cold" method and told her to take me to the park to see the Christmas lights in order to be more romantic (it was 17 December 2019). With the help of her friend I had everything I needed to make my move, so at the end of the date I told her I liked her, she said she likes me too and then I kissed her, it was amazing, I've never felt such happiness before.

The following dates where amazing we started to hold hands, to kiss to hugg it was awesome.

Even tho everything was great there was always something that prevented us from seeing each other, she either had to learn for her exams, go out with her friends, and lately go for treatments, it felt like the universe was against us.

After her operation I was very sad and scared, all I could think of was her, so my performance at work decreased and they didn't extend my contract. But I didn't care, I took it as an opportunity to move back to my home city in order to be closer to her and I found a job here so I could see her everyday after work, at least that was the plan, we still couldn't se each other everyday because she had to go for treatments or learn for her exams, even tho she was fighting cancer she continued her medical school.

Before I met her I was at peace with the idea that I might never find a girl after my taste, I wasn't sure someone like her even existed, but now, after feeling what I've felt with her I can't go back to my old life. I want to move on, be happy just like she teached me to be.

I know that she would have wanted me to move on, before she died she bought me a hammock and told me to go out and enjoy my life even tho she can't come with. When I went to give the birthday present to her friend we had a video call with her, me, her and her 2 best friends and after her friend opened her present she told us to go for a walk together.

At that time I didn't understand why she was asking me to go out and why she even asked me to go out with her friends, but now I know that she knew she was going to die, and she wanted to make sure I'll be ok, but couldn't tell me directly.

I still talk with her friends but we don't go out, we met at the funeral and we went together to her house to grab some things (medical books to give to other students, and some things to remind us of her).

Right now I feel like my relationship with her was just a dream because all I have left are memories, photos of us together and things that remind me of her, but I don't have her.

I've made a deal with myself that even tho she wanted me to move on, for the first 40 days after her death I'm allowed to be sad, to stay home, to mourn her, to visit her grave everyday without feeling guilty for going against her wish.

After those 40 days (27 left) I'll stop going to her grave every day, just once in a while, I'll arhive my whatsapp conversation with her so I don't see it every time I open whatsapp, I'll put everything that reminds me of her in a drawer so I don't see it everyday, and I'll try to go out by myself even tho I'm not in the mood I'll just spend an hour outside for a walk in the park.

I got some professional help to deal with the fear of her possible death after I found out how bad the situation was, which helped me a lot to deal with the actual death.

During her last days I mostly went by instinct I told her everything I felt that should be said. I watched her as much as I felt necessary, I put in her grave what I felt she should take, I took from her room 3 objects that bring me great memories of her.

I miss her a lot but I'll try to move on, she changed my life, because of her I'm no longer a shy guy who can't ask a girl out, now I know how it feels to be happy, and she showed me how to enjoy life. If I could go back in time knowing how painful it feels to lose her I wouldn't change anything, those moments I had with her are worth the pain I'm feeling now and everything I learned from her is priceless.

I'll also keep a relationship with her parents I have to support them for her, she was afraid they won't be able to live without her, and asked them to adopt "because they can't live without a child" so I'll try to make sure they adopt a child so they have something to live for.

June 25, 2021

I consider myself to be ok, even though it's painful and i miss her alot.

During the day i have plenty of coping mechanisms, at work i keep myself busy and i try not to think about it, after work i visit her grave and light a candle.
I have found in her room a notebook that i gave her, and she wrote an encouragement message for herself, that i think she read everyday because i saw crossed out numbers from 1 to 21 on the next page, i'm not sure what those number mean, but i decided to take it, and everyday i read that message, and i write to her on the next pages, like a journal, but addressed to her, i tell her about my day, about how i deal with the situation, some days when i'm not feeling well i just tell her how much i miss her.

After that i eat and then i say my prayers, i'm not sure if there is a God and if there is i hate him for what happened but i still do it, because someone i trust promised me that if i do this i'll be able to move on much faster.

The way those prayers work is basically me asking for strength to deal with this situation, and then believing that i'll get it, it works on the principle that if you say something for long enough you'll start to believe it's true like an placebo effect. It's really long and it takes me 30 minutes to say them, but i only have to do it for 33 days (27 to go).

Then i do the hopponopono meditation, which involves me saying 100 times "i love you, i'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you" it's supposed to heal my broken heart, i'll see in 27 days if it works.

Even though i don't think those things will actually help me long term, right now it helps me to believe that if i do those things i'll be ok.

On the other hand i can't sleep to well at night, i wake up multiple times, i dream about her, just random moments we had together, or things that we were supposed to do together, or just talking with her, but during those dreams i realise that she is gone and it's just a dream, i get filled with sadness, and i wake up and remeber everything that happened, and i panic, it's the opposide of a nightmare, for me real life is the nightmare.

When you wake up from a nightmare you calm down because you realise its just a bad dream and everything is ok, for me it's the opposite.

June 25, 2021

OMG, your story really touches me, it's so heartbreaking to see young people go through this, to experience such full and complete love and then lose it way too soon. You have been through more than many people do in their lifetime. The whole way the two of you handled everything, all of it, it's beautiful but heartbreaking at the same time. My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry for your immense loss.

I understand your last line, it's true, we want to wake up from the nightmare we're in, but gradually it settles in that this is real and there's no coming back from it, only learning to live with the changes it means for our lives.

It is normal to be mad at God for "taking them away from us" but I don't believe in my heart of hearts He was behind it, but rather that we live in a fallen world and bad things happen and we have experienced the worst. Some seem lucky, that's all. I try not to get philosophic about it. It is what it is, but oh gosh it took a long time to even absorb this.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually.
Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
Try not to isolate too much.
There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever.
Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it".
Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.
Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay.
Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

June 25, 2021

34 minutes ago, KayC said:

It is normal to be mad at God for "taking them away from us" but I don't believe in my heart of hearts He was behind it, but rather that we live in a fallen world and bad things happen and we have experienced the worst. Some seem lucky, that's all. I try not to get philosophic about it. It is what it is, but oh gosh it took a long time to even absorb this.

This makes a lot of sense, to be honest i don't feel any anger, because i have no idea who is to blame for this, i just feel sadness. Her parents tried everything religious and medical, they donated money to churches all over the country to pray for her, they got her the best treatments that they could, they brought priests home to pray for her.

Priests said that her soul is clean and sinless, for me this doesn't bring any peace.

I even thought that maybe what happened is a test for me to make me stronger, or something like this.

in the end her mother told me that the only explanation for what happened is that some cells decided to randomly and uncontrollably multiply inside her body, and i think this is the most accurate answer, bad luck..

Thank you for your tips, i've read all of them

2 hours ago, KayC said:

There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me!

This is what i'm trying to do, but i'm not sure where that balance is for me. I've lost loved ones before, i've lost both my grandfather and grandmother 12 years ago, and i just closed myself from the world, i stopped going outside with my friends, during the summer vacation i didn't even leave the house, i just played videogames and watched movies, after some time the pain went away, but i was left without friends, and without a social life, and i didn't even knew where to start, until i met Gabi, she is the one who brought me back from that depression.

Right now instead of closing myself up, i want to do the opposite, back then when my grandparents died i was just a 14 years old child, now i'm 26, i think i'm strong enough to deal with this loss without avoiding it for the next 10 years. That's why i only gave myself 40 days to mourn, after that i'll force myself to go out, even if it doesn't bring me any joy i'll still do it.

And i'm making some progress with this, since she died there hasn't been a single day when i didn't go out, even tho going out right now means just visiting her grave, this weekend i plan to visit her parents, sit in her room for a while, watch photos of her and remember the good times, then i'll go visit her grave, and then come back home or maybe even take a walk in the park, but i'm not sure if i can do it yet, i'll see tomorrow.

I've read some of the stories on this forum, and what concerns me is that most people haven't got over the loss, they just learned to live with it.

When she was alive she tried to push me to make friends, and go out with other people when she was busy, when i found out that she was paralyzed i wanted to cancel my vacation plans with my parents because i didn't feel in the mood to go, but she insisted that i would go, and send her pictures so she could also enjoy it.

I think the fact that she wanted me to have friends and go out will help me go through this, because i'll be fulfilling her wishes by doing so

June 25, 2021

5 hours ago, Silviu said:

in the end her mother told me that the only explanation for what happened is that some cells decided to randomly and uncontrollably multiply inside her body, and i think this is the most accurate answer, bad luck..

Welcome Silviu. I agree with her mother. What happened to her was no fault of hers or anyone else. It wasn't God punishing her or anyone--In fact, I do not believe a loving God would do that to anyone.

I try to think of it as the universe being so vast and mysterious to us and we having such a limited understanding of the wonders and glories that bad things simply happen in this imperfect world.

I am so sorry that you both went through so much at a young age. It is unfair and the grief you feel will take time to get through. I'm very glad you found your way here. You are not alone in this. We are each different in our ages, lives, and personalities, but we help each other get through each day. Let us help you too.

June 26, 2021

I agree. Call it bad luck or whatever you will, it doesn't happen to most, nor does it mean you invite back luck into your life. I think there's a book about When Bad things Happen to Good People. Seems I remember reading it years ago. No answers that would help, only that I realize some people seem to skate through life unscathed while others get dumped on...I seem to be in the latter. It doesn't mean I look for more of the same, actually I keep hoping for better. I hope you'll continue to vent, we may not be able to offer fixes, but we care, very much. :wub:

18 hours ago, Silviu said:

I think the fact that she wanted me to have friends and go out will help me go through this, because i'll be fulfilling her wishes by doing so

And what better way of honoring her!

June 26, 2021

55 minutes ago, KayC said:

I agree. Call it bad luck or whatever you will, it doesn't happen to most, nor does it mean you invite back luck into your life. I think there's a book about When Bad things Happen to Good People. Seems I remember reading it years ago. No answers that would help, only that I realize some people seem to skate through life unscathed while others get dumped on...I seem to be in the latter. It doesn't mean I look for more of the same, actually I keep hoping for better. I hope you'll continue to vent, we may not be able to offer fixes, but we care, very much.

I used to consider myself a lucky guy, every time i wished something i managed to find a way to get it, even things that were against the odds, for example when Gabi started chemotherapy back in September last year i wished she would come back feeling well so we could continue our lives together, and she did, unfortunately the feeling well part only lasted about 7-8 months, but still, if she did continue, she would have suffered those 8 months and the ending would have been the same, so even though the chances where really slim i still managed to get 8 more happy months with her.

Last month i wished that if she dies i would get the chance to see her one more time, to say goodbye, and i got my chance, even though the chances of her letting me visit were nonexistent, somehow, i got lucky and her mother let me see her even though it was against her wish, and she was happy to see me so i don't think she was mad at me for coming.

And throughout my life i got lucky many times, losing her was the only bad luck i ever had.

Today was ok-ish, the morning didn't start well, i woke up at around 7am from a dream with her, and i got really sad when i remembered what happened with her, i stayed in bed until 9am trying to go back to sleep and see her again, but all i could think about was that she is no longer with me, and got even more sad.

At 9am when my alarm rang i forced myself out of bed, i got in the car and i headed to the cemetery to visit her, it was really hot outside so after the visit i decided that i deserve an ice cream, so i headed to the local Mall to get one, the Mall is right near the park, so i got the ice cream and i went to the park to eat it on a bench.

While i was eating it i saw people riding some bikes, something that i used to do with Gabi from time to time, and i know that if she was there with me she would have wanted to go on a ride with me, so i went to the bike stand and rented one (the stand belongs to the town hall so it's free to rent a bike for 2 hours), it wasn't fun like it used to, even boring to go by myself, i only went for 20 minutes but it felt like 2 hours. Even though i didn't feel any joy, i'm proud of myself for doing it.

Then i decided that it's enough for today and i went home to watch some movies and forget about real life for a while.

June 26, 2021

Silviu, I applaud you for trying, even if things don't bring you joy. I lost my husband 3 months ago, and nothing brings me joy except my kids giggling before bedtime when they're trying to avoid going to sleep. Everyone's in my bed now. But for them, I'm "faking" life and happiness and some of that, and I hope one day it won't be fake anymore and I'll really feel that stuff. Look for signs from your girlfriend leading you to try things or explore. Your openness to her and life is something we all need.

June 26, 2021

2 hours ago, KimK said:

Silviu, I applaud you for trying, even if things don't bring you joy.

Silviu, I agree with KimK. I think what you did shows strength and healing. Just like KimK's statement, "even if things don't bring you joy" you can still get out and take baby steps towards healing from your pain.

June 27, 2021

Today was pretty good, the morning started sad, but i managed to force myself out of bed, i went to the cemetery to visit Gabi, then i went to the old town to treat myself with my favorite desert. It was sad seeing all of those places where i used to go with her, many memories there, so i wasn't in a very good mood, but then i saw a rocket being displayed there, and i'm passionate about space and space travel so that managed to cheer me up for about 10 minutes which was nice.

After that i went to visit her parents, we talked about the good times, we backed up photos from her phone, and remembered the good moments, overall was a pretty good day.

Next week should be ok, because i'll be at work so i don't have to find other reasons to leave the house.

June 28, 2021

I'm with you on aerospace, so glad you found something good even for ten minutes!

June 29, 2021

I'm starting to feel a change, when i learned on 1 April that she was paralyzed, i got realy scared, and i've imagined the worst case scenario... that she might die, and i've imagined this many times over the next 2 months until her actual death, every night i was going to sleep afraid that maybe when i woke up in the morning i'll see a text from her mother saying that she is no longer with us, that was my biggest fear, waking up without her, and that's pretty much what happened, but a bit better than i expected, instead of "she is gone" text, i woke up to a "she is living her last moments, you can come see her if you want" text, that's when my worst fear became reality.

In the first 2 weeks after Gabi's death, it felt like my life was a nightmare, and sleeping was the actual reality, so i had no problems going to sleep, the problem was when i was realising in the middle of the dream that in reality she is dead, and i was waking up crying.

Now i'm getting to the third week without her, and things changed, now it's hard to fall asleep because i keep thinking about her, instead of reliving memories i have with her in my dreams, i'm actually imagining new ones before i fall asleep, like how it would have been if we managed to go to the 3 vacations we planned for this summer, i am even imagining conversations with her that never happened, i hope i'm not getting crazy.

I haven't talked with her in the last 18 days and have moments when i wonder if it was actually real, or my memories of her are just made up, thankfully i have hundreds of photos of her to prove to myself that it was real.

I also noticed that my life has pretty much gone to normal, but not the happy normal, of having a boring day at work, until she replied to my text and then instantly cheering up, and happily grabing my phone to talk with her, or waiting for our next date while thinking about all the things we were gonna do.

Now my life is just like it was before i met her, boring... going to work, going home, sleeping and repeat the next day, i have nothing to look forward to, nothing, since she died, i haven't said: "i can't wait for tomorrow", i have no plans, no expectations, i'm not enjoying anything, the only thing i'm waiting for is for the time to pass. Now i don't even enjoy weekends, those are the hardest, because i have nothing to do, and i have to force myself to do something.

2 years ago i was used to this life, but now i don't want to go back to it, she showed me how happy i can be with the right person, and i want to be happy again, not just to learn to live without her but I'm not going to start dating again, until i feel that i'm ready, but sometimes i wonder if i'll ever feel ready. In my relationship with Gabi i gave 100% of my love to her, and i'm afraid that i'll never be able to give 100% again, because a part of my heart will always belong to her.

I've looked at some of the posts here, mostly old ones to see how people are doing an year later or so, and i've only found 2 types of people, those who are still hurting and those who learned to live with the loss, but i haven't seen someone come and say, that everything is fine, that they found someone, and they are happy again, and that worries me... but there are many people who haven't posted again so maybe those are doing well.

I chose not to use her real name here because i didn't want people i know to find this post, but i think it's ok to show you a photo of us in the good times:

This photo was taken in March, last year, she was pretty busy learning for the exams, so it was one of our quick dates, an hour of walking and talking, but it's one of the few photos we've taken before she was diagnosed, and i love the way she smiles, she smiled like that alot, but it was pretty rare to catch it on photo.

June 29, 2021

Silviu,

Your feelings will keep changing. There will likely be some days where you feel worse, birthdays, anniversaries of events in your life, or just moments when your memories of her come flooding back like a tidal wave. But there will be days you laugh and feel happy. Hopefully you will find someone who will bring joy into your life again.

I think you are right that many people who no longer post here are happy. They have connected with life again and no longer need to come here for support.

Gail

June 29, 2021

5 hours ago, Silviu said:

I'm starting to feel a change, when i learned on 1 April that she was paralyzed, i got realy scared, and i've imagined the worst case scenario... that she might die, and i've imagined this many times over the next 2 months until her actual death, every night i was going to sleep afraid that maybe when i woke up in the morning i'll see a text from her mother saying that she is no longer with us, that was my biggest fear, waking up without her, and that's pretty much what happened, but a bit better than i expected, instead of "she is gone" text, i woke up to a "she is living her last moments, you can come see her if you want" text, that's when my worst fear became reality.

In the first 2 weeks after Gabi's death, it felt like my life was a nightmare, and sleeping was the actual reality, so i had no problems going to sleep, the problem was when i was realising in the middle of the dream that in reality she is dead, and i was waking up crying.

Now i'm getting to the third week without her, and things changed, now it's hard to fall asleep because i keep thinking about her, instead of reliving memories i have with her in my dreams, i'm actually imagining new ones before i fall asleep, like how it would have been if we managed to go to the 3 vacations we planned for this summer, i am even imagining conversations with her that never happened, i hope i'm not getting crazy.

I haven't talked with her in the last 18 days and have moments when i wonder if it was actually real, or my memories of her are just made up, thankfully i have hundreds of photos of her to prove to myself that it was real.

I also noticed that my life has pretty much gone to normal, but not the happy normal, of having a boring day at work, until she replied to my text and then instantly cheering up, and happily grabing my phone to talk with her, or waiting for our next date while thinking about all the things we were gonna do.

Now my life is just like it was before i met her, boring... going to work, going home, sleeping and repeat the next day, i have nothing to look forward to, nothing, since she died, i haven't said: "i can't wait for tomorrow", i have no plans, no expectations, i'm not enjoying anything, the only thing i'm waiting for is for the time to pass. Now i don't even enjoy weekends, those are the hardest, because i have nothing to do, and i have to force myself to do something.

2 years ago i was used to this life, but now i don't want to go back to it, she showed me how happy i can be with the right person, and i want to be happy again, not just to learn to live without her but I'm not going to start dating again, until i feel that i'm ready, but sometimes i wonder if i'll ever feel ready. In my relationship with Gabi i gave 100% of my love to her, and i'm afraid that i'll never be able to give 100% again, because a part of my heart will always belong to her.

I've looked at some of the posts here, mostly old ones to see how people are doing an year later or so, and i've only found 2 types of people, those who are still hurting and those who learned to live with the loss, but i haven't seen someone come and say, that everything is fine, that they found someone, and they are happy again, and that worries me... but there are many people who haven't posted again so maybe those are doing well.

I chose not to use her real name here because i didn't want people i know to find this post, but i think it's ok to show you a photo of us in the good times:

This photo was taken in March, last year, she was pretty busy learning for the exams, so it was one of our quick dates, an hour of walking and talking, but it's one of the few photos we've taken before she was diagnosed, and i love the way she smiles, she smiled like that alot, but it was pretty rare to catch it on photo.

This photo of you two is beautiful! Heartbreakingly too young to have this happen.

1-2 years you're not likely to find people who have "found someone else" though, it can take much time to go through this and adjust to that point. We may not have our brains fully functioning optimally by then.

3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Your feelings will keep changing

Exactly. This is an ever evolving journey and unique to all of us.

June 30, 2021

Silviu, I'm so sorry for your loss. I also lost my loved one to a sarcoma. Rare diseases have a unique challenge in that little is known about them, treating them, etc. And at such a young age! This will take time to deal with but there are no set timelines, no "right way" to deal with it; it's whatever works for you. My best to you and I hope you can find help and comfort of some kind here. It's a great group.

July 3, 2021

This week has been ok, i had plenty of work that kept me busy, even though i had moments when i thinked about her.

Today was the 3 weeks since her death memorial service, i don't know how it is else were in the world but here there is a memorial service at 3 days, 7 days, 3 weeks, 40 days, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months and then once per year.

In the past week i didn't think much about her death, only about the good moments we shared together, but last night i thinked alot about her last moments, and about what we talked in the last 2 days i had with her, when she told me that she is close to the end, i just told her that i love her, barely holding my tears, then she told me she loves me too, and asked me to leave because she is not feeling well, but last night when i relived this memory, i just broke down and started crying while imagining that she was holding me in her arms, it felt so real.

Today was also very hard, being there with her family seeing how much her parents and grandparents are suffering, while the priest was saying the prayers was painful.

The 40 day memorial will be even harder because it will be held on Saturday 17 July, even tho the actual 40 days will be on 21 July, the memorial is held only on Saturdays, but both of those dates are important, on 17 July last year was our last date before she found out about the cancer, on 18 July she found out about it, and on 20 July she went into surgery, and finished at 4 AM on 21 July. If someone would have told me back then that one year later i'll be standing at her grave i would have never believed it. And yet here i am living this shitty life instead of being with her.

I have no idea how i'll be in one year, but what i'm sure of is that all those holidays, our anniversary, my birthday, her birthday, the day she died will be extremely painful.

July 3, 2021

On the anv of death I couldn't believe I'd made it through a whole year of "firsts without..." they are very hard! I went through all of the holidays, birthdays, etc. and when I got to Easter I major rebelled, told my kids I'd stay home from church and treat it like any other day, no special dinner, nothing. They understood. The next weekend I had a big dinner with my kids and none of us mentioned Easter. Two months later was his birthday and death date rolling around. One day at a time...I do it still.

July 3, 2021

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I got to Easter I major rebelled, told my kids I'd stay home from church and treat it like any other day, no special dinner, nothing.

I think i'll probably do the same, to be honest i never cared about holidays... until i met Gabi, she is the one who showed me how nice it feels to spend those holidays with the person you love... that's not going to happen anymore, for some time...

The next important day we won't be together will be my birthday in October, we were supposed to be on a cruise ship, that got cancelled but i still have 10 vacation days already taken for that and i have no idea how i'll fill my time, and i can't cancel them because in my country the employer is forced to give us at least 10 consecutive days per year from a total of 21. I think I will remove my birth date from facebook, snapchat and other apps that let people know its my birthday, i just want to skip it for this year, it would be painful for people to tell me happy birthday. What happy birthday ? The person i love the most is dead. A happy birthday would be together with Gabi on a fking cruise ship, not with her dead and me alone.

July 4, 2021

hey, its not exact , but …ik how you feel ,cus september of 2019, i lost my friend to rhabdomayosarcoma , and he was 19 . i’m so so sorry if you need a friend to support you … lmk , you can just dm me . i’m here for you

July 4, 2021

@jacqisonteam213 Thank you,I'll take you up on that offer.

July 4, 2021

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Your first post had me in tears reading. I too lost my love before we had a chance to get married and make our life together. I lost him the weekend after easter, and we were to be married this fall. It's such a painful greif that will constantly change for you. Shortly after Mark's passing I had to deal with his birthday, then my birthday and they were so hard on me. There is going to be so many days that I just want to sleep away and wish they never came. I understand what you say when you say you dont know how you could ever give 100 percent to anyone like you did for Gabi because i feel the same way about mark. When I'm told to move on because mark would want me to be happy I get so upset because i cant just replace mark like that. I truely beleive we were soul mates and my heart still belongs to him. I read this whole forum and there was so much good advice given to you by everyone. I personally am one of those who has so far only figured out how to pretend I'm ok in front of people. Everyone grieves differently and there is no time limit to greif. Also remeber theres nothing you did wrong or could have done differently and noone is to blame for your beautiful Gabis disease. Stay strong friend! And if you ever need to talk I also dont mind if you message me here. Young lost love hurts so bad because we not only lost our loves we lost our future and we are left with so many what ifs. Be proud of yourself for any progress even baby steps you make.

Markies liz

July 5, 2021

@Silviu I just wanted to say that she was beautiful and the two of you were beautiful together. The love simply radiates through. I'm so sorry you lost so much at such a young age. I commend you for trying to honor her in the things you do.

July 5, 2021

17 hours ago, Markies liz said:

I get so upset because i cant just replace mark like that.

I think it's impossible to replace them, personally I won't even try to do that. She doesn't have any sisters or clones, i already asked .

Gabi's best friend had a one year relationship with a boy, she loved him very much, but they broke up in June 2019 i think (his parents didn't like her and forced them to break up), and she suffered alot, then in November 2019 when i met Gabi she also found someone, and they moved very fast, in one week they were already together, meanwhile it took us a month to get into a relationship. Then we even went on a double date with them, he seemed nice and i know from Gabi that he loved her very much, but in February 2020 she broke up with him.

After Gabi's death, i asked her best friend if that relationship helped her get over her first boyfriend, and she told me that it didn't, it actually made things worse, because she started to compare him with her ex, until she started to hate him for not being like her ex, and suffered even more after her first boyfriend. This is a short version of what happened but what she told me gave me alot to think about, regarding my future girlfriend.

So with this in mind, i won't try to replace her, she will always be my girlfriend from heaven, trying to find someone like her would be a huge mistake and i would probably end up hating that person for not being like her, but that doesn't mean i won't try to find someone... just not a "replacement". I have a big heart, even though a part will always belong to Gabi, there is plenty of room for another girl.

Of course it would be awkward if Gabi waits for me in haven and i come with another girl, but that's a problem for future and wiser Silviu. Right now i think she would be fine if i find someone else, she wasn't the jealous type, who knows, maybe she will even like her.

My taste in women hasn't changed, so physically i would probably look for someone similar, but the personality can be very different. For example, Gabi wasn't romantic, and didn't like romantic stuff, that wasn't an issue, it was actually nice, because she was low maintenance, i didn't feel any pressure to do romantic stuff for her, of course that didn't stop me from doing it anyway, but it was nice not feeling the pressure. Anyway, this is the first thing i would want different, i want a very romantic girl, because i think i will enjoy it very much, and the more different she will be the better, i don't want someone to remind me of Gabi, i want someone to be happy with. Of course some things will be similar, like the core values of that person, i have good taste in women and it's not going to change.

The conclusion of what i said is that moving on doesn't mean you have to replace them, and is not a good idea to try to do that. I think is more like having a child and making another one, you are not replacing the one you already have, and you can love both of them at the same time.

July 5, 2021

12 minutes ago, Silviu said:

I think is more like having a child and making another one, you are not replacing the one you already have, and you can love both of them at the same time.

I agree. When I lost my dog that I called my soulmate in a dog, my perfect dog, it was two years ago next month, I will forever mourn him as well as my husband, they were both perfect for me, but my son brought me a puppy and I totally love him and can't imagine life without him now...he did NOT "replace" Arlie as that could not be done, but he added to my life tremendously and wriggled his way into my heart. Just like how you stated here.

July 5, 2021

I know my feelings may change and I might be able to let someone in in the future but I still cant shake the fact that I'm Mark's and Mark's mine. Im sure mark wants me to be happy but I just cant do it...not yet anyways. And your right it would never be a replacement. But all of us here deserve to be happy. I'm just really struggling to even consider there being another man in my life. I had relationships prior to mark and they do not even come close to what mark and I had. This is so hard on my heart as I'm sure it is for everyone. As I always say at least we all have an amazing support of friends here on this site to help us walk though it and sort through our thoughts!

Happy monday to you all

July 6, 2021

And that's okay. We are very vulnerable (as I've discovered) in our early grief. I'm okay being alone, although this was never my preference. Life doesn't give a ____ what OUR preference is, does it?!

July 6, 2021

7 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm okay being alone, although this was never my preference. Life doesn't give a ____ what OUR preference is, does it?!

Sometimes I feel like I'm just along for the ride. I told my brother that I am definitely not in the driver's seat. And that sucks. Especially for someone who strived to work hard to stay on-top of things, only to end up having a life that resembles an apocalypse.

July 7, 2021

20 hours ago, tnd said:

Sometimes I feel like I'm just along for the ride. I told my brother that I am definitely not in the driver's seat. And that sucks. Especially for someone who strived to work hard to stay on-top of things, only to end up having a life that resembles an apocalypse.

I hear you and understand, completely. I feel like that about my own life, esp. since my sister's condition took over what was left of my life.

July 9, 2021

Almost 4 weeks since her death, it feels weird, my memories of her are so clear as if we met yesterday, i can't believe it's already 4 weeks since i last saw her.

What is weird, is that i remember lots of things about her even full discussions that we've had, but i don't remember the good emotions i've had, like for example i know, i've felt amazing the first time we kissed, but when i go back to that memory i don't feel anything besides the usual sadness i keep feeling since she died which gets even worse when i think that is just a memory and i'll never be able to kiss her again. It's like i'm watching a movie of someone else's life, I see the imagines but i don't get the same feelings.

A few years ago i've seen the movie Bridge to Terabithia, it's the only movie that ever made me cry, and it's my favorite movie, about a boy and a girl who became really good friends, they did everything together, and got along very well, then the girl died and the boy suffered alot after her.

I saw that movie a long time ago before i met Gabi, and while i was seeing the movie i was thinking how nice it would be to meet a girl with whom I'll get along very well, and have such a deep connection, then when she died i've felt devastated, i just started crying, the first time i did so when watching a movie. I never imagined that it will ever become reality.

Even tho it's my favorite movie i only saw it once, because it's so sad, and i know i'm gonna cry again, even more now, since part of it became reality. I wanted to see it with Gabi but we never got the chance. I told her about it when we talked about favorite movies and she put it on her "to watch list" but i'm not sure if she ever saw it by herself, i don't think she did.

Anyway, as an update on my mental health: During the day i'm actually ok, i don't think too much about her, i manage to control my thoughts, the problem is at night, because instead of falling asleep i keep thinking about her until 1-2 AM and then i wake up at 7AM thinking about her, so i'm not getting to much sleep. Today i got some pills to help me with sleep, they are natural, so might not work, i'll test them tonight.

During the week i keep busy at work so the day passes easily, and for now i have plans for the next 2-3 weekends, so this month should pass quickly, this Saturday i'm going on a road trip to a monastery, and on Sunday i'll try to go to the beach by myself, maybe see the sunrise (something i used to do with her last summer), but i'm not making any promises, i'll see how my mood will be in the morning and then i'll decide if i go or not.

July 9, 2021

3 hours ago, Silviu said:

this month should pass quickly, this Saturday i'm going on a road trip to a monastery, and on Sunday i'll try to go to the beach by myself, maybe see the sunrise (something i used to do with her last summer), but i'm not making any promises, i'll see how my mood will be in the morning and then i'll decide if i go or not.

Silviu: I am sorry that you are grieving the loss of your Gabi but sounds like you are trying to keep yourself together. I hope you enjoy the beach and use the time to just be good to yourself. Maybe fly a kite or have an ice cream cone. Maybe build your own sand castle or just run your bare feet through the sand. I use to fly kites by myself. A friend once laughed about it but then I showed her and she thought it was a lot of fun. It made me forget everything for a while. I can't fly kites right now, I can't really get outside by myself (illness) but hope to again someday.

July 10, 2021

Silviu, did you decide to go to the beach? If you are focusing at work, that is good. It was the evenings/weekends for most of us too, I'm thankful I wasn't retired when he died as it would have been even harder not to have support from coworkers and something to occupy some of my time. But it was VERY hard to focus on work!

July 11, 2021

Silviu,

I am glad work is helping you get through the days. I worked for a little over a year after my husband died. My employer and co-workers were very supportive and accommodating. But even I could see I was a very marginal employee. It was so hard for me to focus on my work. It all felt totally pointless.

I know my employer was relieved when I gave notice that I would retire. I think they would have had to fire me soon, as my work and attitude was not getting better. (I had worked there for 19 years, and before my husband's death I was a very capable employee, handling large complex matters on my own, training new employees, writing procedure manuals, etc.)

After I retired, and moved to the city I now live in, I had no structure of any sort to organize my days or weeks. I don't know if that was good or bad, but I certainly had time to grieve. I could cry for days on end, with nothing I had to do. No reason to get out of bed, dress, eat, no reason to be alive. Without the structure of work, I didn't have to pretend to be okay. I sank into a pretty dark depression during that time.

I sort of think having some structure is better for a grieving person's mental health. By moving immediately after I retired, I lost all of my social support, my neighbors, friends, even my doctor, dentist that had known me for years.

I have managed to find a path back to life, but it was a rough road.

You are so early in your journey, but it is good you see, and feel, the value of your work as helping you through this difficult time.

Gail

July 11, 2021

15 hours ago, KayC said:

Silviu, did you decide to go to the beach?

Yes, i just came back, it was ok, It's not fun by myself, but it's not too bad either. My trip to the beach meant, going there leaving my shoes, clothes and towel on the sand, going in the water, swimming for 10 minutes, drying off with the towel and then straight back to my car, it only lasted 40 minutes.

I don't think i'm going again, too hot and too many tourists, i barely found a parking spot. Although i gave up on my plan to watch the sunrise, because it was at 5:33 AM, i'm not waking up at 5 for that, last year i went with Gabi to watch the sunrise in september, and it was at 6:40 AM or something, much better.

Anyway the good part is that now that i've done what I set out to do for today, i can do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day without feeling guilty.

On 7/10/2021 at 1:55 AM, tnd said:

I can't fly kites right now, I can't really get outside by myself (illness) but hope to again someday.

I'm so sorry for this, i didn't fly a kite today but i did see one in the air, it wasn't flown by someone, it was tied down and flying by itself (i had no idea that it's possible to leave it unattended).

7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I am glad work is helping you get through the days. I worked for a little over a year after my husband died. My employer and co-workers were very supportive and accommodating. But even I could see I was a very marginal employee. It was so hard for me to focus on my work. It all felt totally pointless.

Back in July last year when i found out about her cancer, i was very stressed and worried about her, i was constantly checking my phone to see if i got an answer from her, as soon as she answered i was pausing everything so i could talk with her, and my boss noticed that i'm always on my phone instead of doing my work, of course i haven't told her about my issues and to be honest i don't thing she would have cared. So i started to hate my job, it was in another city, so i couldn't see Gabi for 4-5 days even if she wanted, i was just waiting for my days off so i could go see her, for me that job became something that was keeping me from seeing her (even though she couldn't see me everyday or for more than 1-2 hours because of her condition).

So back in November last year when my contract expired they didn't extend it, but i didn't care, we have a saying here "Every kick in the ass is a step forward." so i took that opportunity and found a better job in my home city, this allowed me to see her everyday after 6PM, and even earlier, i had an 1 hour lunch break that i could take anytime i wanted, so after she started driving, she would come and we would go together for a walk in a park, or to eat something during my lunch break.

The other job was for a telecom company, i was monitoring alarms and opening tickets for the field engineer to deal with them and then offer them support if they needed me to check if the alarm was still active or needed an restart, it was boring, to be honest i think i could have trained a monkey to do my job, i didn't even use 1% of my brain for that, so plenty of brainpower left to worry about Gabi.

The job i currently have is for an IT company that provides IT support for a big local bank and some other smaller clients, my company's office and all the bosses are in the capital city, so i only went there once to sign the contract and get the car, my actual office is at the bank's main branch in my city and i also offer support for all the other branches in the area (up to 250 km away). The good part about it is that nobody cares what i do as long as the job is done, when bank employees have an problem they either submit a ticket or call me directly and i can either solve it remotely or go to their office if necessary.

So when nobody has an issue i can stay in my office and worry about my problems, this was really helpful in the last 3 months when i was worried sick about Gabi, without someone noticing, and even if they saw me on my phone i could just tell them i'm writing the report, or that i'm waiting for an answer from a colleague.

Only 4 people at work know what i'm going through, my boss, and a girl from HR because i had to tell them what is going on in order to get 2 vacation days (1 when she was living her last moments so i could be with her and the other for the funeral) and they were very understanding, and the other 2 people are bank employees that i'm in a good relationship with.

To be honest this job is therapeutic for me, first of all i need more than 1% of my brain to solve some of the issues, and i'm fully concentrated, so i forget about my problems, and i also get to fix other people's issues, since i cannot fix my own, and it's very satisfying for me to fix problems, especially the hard ones that require me to think. When someone comes to my office to ask for help i instantly get up and go help them (i'm like: yey somebody finally has an issue that i can fix... unlike my own).

So despite the fact that i'm dealing with losing Gabi, i'm doing pretty well at work, i'm no longer checking my phone because i know that nobody is texting me anymore, so i can just focus on my work, and people like the fact that i'm always very promptly helping them when they need.

Also before her death i was always rushing to finish my work early, so basically i was doing all day's worth of work in half a day, and people noticed that i'm very hard working, but i was actually doing it so i could go out with Gabi without having to worry about coming back to finish my work, or without people bothering me while i was with her. Even now i finish everything i have to do for the day 3-4 hours early and then i just sit in my office until someone calls me or time runs out and i can go home.

This is the kind of job where if you finish what you have to do they don't give you even more things to do because it's not up to them, if i do my job well and people don't have problems, i don't have work to do, so it's in my best interest to do my job well.

My boss even told me that i'm the only one he doesn't have to call to check up on because my work is always done (he used to call me in the first 2 months but my answer was always "it's already done" so he gave up on calling me), he even promised that i might get a promotion by the end of the year, we'll see.

July 11, 2021

Silviu,

I am so glad your work situation is going well and is even therapeutic. It does really help your mind to fix someone's problems, to be useful.

By the way I love that expression "Every kick in the ass is a step forward." I had never heard it before, but I think it's a great positive spin on the many "kicks in the ass" that life brings.

Gail

July 11, 2021

I'm glad you were able to go to the beach, even if briefly. It sounds like you live very close, I would love that. It was one of George and my favorite places to go, but quite a long drive to get there.

I'm also glad to hear you're doing well on your job. I also like that expression "Every kick in the ass is a step forward." and had never heard it before.

July 12, 2021

Today is the 30th day since her death, i can't believe it has been already a month... I still have trouble sleeping, i don't think i'm getting more than 5 hours per night

23 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm glad you were able to go to the beach, even if briefly. It sounds like you live very close, I would love that. It was one of George and my favorite places to go, but quite a long drive to get there.

Yes, i do live close to the beach, i think the closest one is only 20 minutes away, but i don't go too often, i used to go everyday when i was younger, but after i grew up i didn't like it anymore and only went once a year, i even had years when i didn't go at all, before i met Gabi i didn't go once in the last 5 years i think, and with her i only went 3 times, before she had to undergo her operation, and since the operation we couldn't go anymore.

It's interesting that most of the people who live by the beach don't go, someone once told me that if you ask anybody from my city in the middle of summer if they went to the beach this year, they usually say no, but if you ask them if they went to the mountains everybody says yes (i guess everybody wants what they don't have, because the same thing is valid if you ask someone who lives by the mountains, they don't go, but they all come to the beach), and since he told me this i asked others and it's true, everybody i asked said the same thing, even me, i went to the mountains in February with Gabi for skiing, and then i went again in May by myself to ride horses on the mountain, it was epic, I might go again in September for 2-3 days since i already have the vacation days taken and nothing to do since i cancelled all plans after her death.

Riding horses is also therapeutic, it's fun, and it takes alot of concentration so you can't think about problems at the same time, or at least that's how it was last time, when i took this picture i was feeling pretty well, even tho i was worried about Gabi, she was also feeling ok that day, we talked alot and i was actually hoping that she will be ok, she even told me that the mountain air is doing good for me because i seem very optimistic, i almost didn't go, but she insisted that i go, and send her pictures so she could also see, without any idea that in 12 days she will die.

I'm concerned that i might never find a girl who likes this type of activities like skiing, biking, walking, going to the zoo, riding horses and more. This is the kind of stuff i care for in a relationship, I don't care how beautiful a girl is, or how nice, i want a girl with whom i get along very well and with whom i can do all sort of fun activities, this is how Gabi was, the fact that she was also very beautiful and nice just completed the package.

Anyway what i wanted to say was that i met a very nice group of people there who also came to ride horses, and the guy that organized it told me something very interesting, that the best way to find people who like the same activities you do is to start doing those activities, and you will meet them there, and it really gave me alot to think about. They have a group on facebook with almost 1000 members, and they organize this types of activities regularly, so i'll try to go with them from time to time, they even go skiing in the winter so i'll definitely go, and i hope i'll feel better untill then.

July 12, 2021

Silviu,

I think that is a wonderful plan. The horse trail in the photo is beautiful.

Sleep is hard to get for most of us. If your lack of sleep continues or gets worse, try some herbal remedies or ask your doctor for an aid. I waited 3 years to ask for help sleeping. I wish I had done it earlier. I recommend you not let sleep deprivation continue for years. Being in the fresh air and horseback riding may be a good cure.

Gail

July 13, 2021

IDK, it's common to take our surroundings for granted but I've lived in the mountains for 44 years and never fail to bask in my surroundings, I LOVE them! The mountains, beauty, wildlife, trees, nature, water, I love all of it. But I do wish the beach were closer too because I've always found peace in listening/watching the waves. I have a creek in my back yard, and I love to hear rushing water, something very calming about it, like continuity.

I too love your picture! Have you tried melatonin? It doesn't work for me but it does for my daughter. No coffee in the afternoon, maybe herbal tea. Also no electronics before bedtime. I agree with Gail, you need some help, maybe look into a service that can come spell you with your MIL so you can sleep, they should provide for free. Even if someone just sits there all night "just in case" she wakes up.

Your idea about riding horses is a great one, you need something to look forward to, we all do! That's what is hard about caregiving, we can be so wrapped up in it we have no ME time and we NEED it! I look forward to my puppy-dates, where we go is so serene, cool, beautiful and sometimes I get to visit with the other dog's parents, both whom I love.

July 13, 2021

Today, was kinda sad, i saved some of Gabi's photos from google photos, i've remembered the good times and i've seen a hole new side of her, and i like to find out new things about her, about how she was with everybody else, but at the same time i'm sad, that i didn't get to know her sooner, or that i didn't get to be with her in all of those moments when she was with her friends, she was a different person with her friends, very shy compared with how she was with me, she even told me once that it took her years to get so close to her friends, but only took her a few weeks to get so close with me.

i also found this screenshot she saved 20 days after we got into a relation and it made me cry, i believe she was very afraid to have her heart broken, from what i know from her mother she was very unsure what i see in her and didn't know if i'm serious and if she could open up to me, and this screenshot made me realize why she was so distant at first, it took me a very long time to earn her trust, her mother confirmed it.

I believed that it was our destiny to meet, since so many things had to align in order for it to happen, but then we had many obstacles trying to keep us from seeing eachother, and we passed all of them (except cancer), there was always something , either she had to learn for her exams, quarantine, medical problems, and we always found a way to see eachother, not as much as we would have wanted but we did. It's like the universe wanted us to separate, but we defiled it's wish, and the only way to separate us was for one of us to die, too bad it was her....

When i found out about the cancer i told her that i want to be the first one who dies (of old age hopefully) because i don't want to go through the pain of losing her, and that she is stronger than me and can deal with losing me better than i can deal with losing her, but now i realize how selfish i was. If i died first she would have felt the pain i'm feeling now, and i don't think she could have handled it, and i don't want her to feel what i'm feeling now, it's too painful

It would have been so nice if everything was good, we went to our vacation in Greece, then on our Cruise, and on our way back home we both died in a plane crash, it would have been the perfect way for the universe/God to end things between us.

On 7/12/2021 at 8:53 PM, Gail 8588 said:

Sleep is hard to get for most of us. If your lack of sleep continues or gets worse, try some herbal remedies or ask your doctor for an aid. I waited 3 years to ask for help sleeping. I wish I had done it earlier. I recommend you not let sleep deprivation continue for years. Being in the fresh air and horseback riding may be a good cure.

i'm taking some natural medication to help me sleep, but it doesn't work, i mean it does, my body feels tired after i take it, but my mind is very active, and it's very annoying it feels like when you try to sleep and someone keeps making noise or turning on and off the lights to wake you up, my body wants to sleep but my mind doesn't let it

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Have you tried melatonin? It doesn't work for me but it does for my daughter. No coffee in the afternoon, maybe herbal tea.

I tried melatonin in the past and had no effect, the good thing is that i don't drink coffee, so i'm always tired, but for me coffee doesn't work, if i drink one in the morning i'm still tired all day, but then at night when i'm supposed to sleep, boom i'm fresh, so i avoid drinking coffee or energizants.

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Also no electronics before bedtime.

That's kinda hard, as soon as i close my computer Gabi thoughts start running through my head.

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I agree with Gail, you need some help, maybe look into a service that can come spell you with your MIL so you can sleep, they should provide for free.

I'm not sure what kind of service you are referring to, i'm not from US so we might not have that here or it's under a different name.

I asked my family doctor if he could give me something to help with sleep and he told me that he can only give me a reference for a psychiatrist and he'll give me something, but i'm not sure i want to do that, i heard those strong pills have alot of side effects.

I also noticed that physical effort helps with sleep, last weekend when i came back home from the beach i was exhausted and i slept for 2 hours in the afternoon and 5 at night so a total of 7.

So before i try some stronger medication i'll try to do some daily physical effort to see if it helps, but i'll start next week

July 13, 2021

Silviu,

Increasing your physical exercise to improve your sleep is a great option.

I think you are on a good path.

Gail

July 14, 2021

I didn't realize you aren't in the US, we do have help for caregivers here, is there a gov't agency where you are that offers help?

July 14, 2021

Hmm, i'm not sure what you are talking about, what do you mean by "for caregivers"? i'm not taking care of anybody

On 7/13/2021 at 4:07 PM, KayC said:

Even if someone just sits there all night "just in case" she wakes up.

What do you mean ? She isn't sick anymore, she is dead. It would be great if she woke up but that's kinda impossible.

July 14, 2021

Oh, sorry, I got your response mixed up with John's! Call it old age, it's the only excuse I have!

July 15, 2021

Silviu: When I was young and still physically able to, I found that I slept better when I did more outdoor activities every day. I used to jog and workout every other day. And then on the other days I biked, swam and also played on a co-ed softball team. Slept like a baby. Of course when we are stressed or grieving sleep doesn't come easy. But I have found that keeping some sort of routine helps a little. I try to get up and do little chores or other things at the same time each day and go to bed about the same time every nite. I might end up laying there a long time and not really sleep through the nite but I rest and will feel a little better. I think if I could do something outdoors it would help.

July 15, 2021

15 hours ago, tnd said:

But I have found that keeping some sort of routine helps a little.

Me too. I know Dr. Phil advocated that for getting through Covid isolation.

July 15, 2021

16 hours ago, tnd said:

But I have found that keeping some sort of routine helps a little.

Yes i totally agree with this, it really does help, when my grandparents died, i just closed myself from the outside world, i stayed for weeks inside without even looking out the window watching serials and playing games for 12 hours or more, i did get over it (i guess it depends on what you mean by "getting over"), but i became very antisocial, and when i started working at my first job, things improved a bit, i had a reason to go out and interact with people, then when i met Gabi she really showed me what i'm missing by staying inside and how great life can be. The moments i had with her were the best of my life, even if now it hurts like hell i would never give up those memories, those 1 year and 7 months of knowing her are worth every bit of pain.

Now since she died i kept a routine, during the week i go to work, then i visit her at the cemetery before i come home and for the rest of the day i stay at the computer watching tv serials until bedtime. In the weekend instead of going to work, i try to get out of the house and do something that used to be fun when i had her in my life. It's no longer fun, but i hope that one day it will be again.

I wanted to visit her grave everyday for the first 40 days (i think there is a tradition here for family to visit the grave everyday for 40 days, even tho we weren't married i still considered her family), on 21 July it will be the last day, after that i'll replace the cemetery visit with some physical activity, not sure which one yet, probably some bike riding.

I'll still visit her from time to time but i think it's better if i don't do it too much, maybe just once per week, and slowly reduce it to just on important days like birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions.

Now i have 3 hard days coming up, 17 July her 40 day memorial service (it's held only on Saturdays not on actual 40'th day), it's the most important one (they say its when the soul leaves earth and goes to heaven); 18 July, exactly one year since she was diagnosed with cancer, and then 21 July when it's the 40th day since her death and also one year since her operation (it matched so well, like nothing is random in life), that's when i'll be making the big changes, like putting some of the stuff that reminds me of her in a drawer for safe storage, archiving the WhatsApp conversation with her, changing my phone's wallpaper, removing her phone number from favorites, stuff like that, it will be very painful, but i think it's necessary that i do it.

Sign In

Lost my girlfriend to osteosarcoma at age 20

Recommended Posts

Silviu

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Gail 8588

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Sparky1

Link to comment

Share on other sites

tnd

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Silviu

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Silviu

Link to comment

Share on other sites

KayC

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Silviu

Link to comment

Share on other sites

foreverhis

Link to comment

Share on other sites

KayC

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Silviu

Link to comment

Share on other sites

KimK

Link to comment

Share on other sites

tnd

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Silviu

Link to comment

Share on other sites

KayC

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Silviu

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Gail 8588

Link to comment

Share on other sites

KayC

Link to comment

Share on other sites

widower2

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Silviu

Link to comment

Share on other sites

KayC

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Silviu

Link to comment

Share on other sites

jacqisonteam213

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Silviu

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Markies liz

Link to comment

Share on other sites

foreverhis

Link to comment