my ex died; I feel partially responsible

[Remy]

On Saturday night my ex died. He was only 40 years old. So far all the family knows is that he had pneumonia. Autopsy should be done tomorrow (Monday) to find out exactly what happened. A 40 year old doesn't just die in a hospital from pneumonia without some sort of complication...

We lived together for 3 years, but I left him almost exactly 2 years ago because he couldn't kick his drug habit. He would be clean for a period, but I never knew for sure when he relapsed, and eventually I just couldn't stay. I never stopped loving him, but I couldn't trust him anymore. After we broke up he went into full relapses, I think with some clean periods, although I can't know for sure, and it sounds like his life went downhill from there. I had no idea how bad it'd gotten until today (sunday). He was so smart and creative, but all of that potential went down the drain when he was using. He started using when he was 15; his DAD would get him high, and it became a lifelong habit. I don't know if it was the final cause of death, but I do know that it did take a huge toll on his body, and he didn't take very good care of himself because he usually felt okay.

Aside from that, he was a great guy, and would have made a great dad and husband for someone. He was friendly with everyone (to a fault) and made friends everywhere he went. I've always been on the shy side, and I knew that if he was with me when I went somewhere, we'd have a good time. He always knew what to say to comfort me (or anyone, for that matter). He was creative, and taught me how to maintain a clean house (a skill I didn't learn growing up). He had a great sense of humor, and about a million friends. He was a great boyfriend, and living with him was easier than it has been living with anyone else. After we broke up I missed him and his family, and it took me about a year to get into a stable living situation. I had 3 different sets of roommates, until I decided to get a place by myself.

I've spoken with some family members and friends of his, and they've all said something along the lines of, "He was the best he ever was when he was with you, and after you broke up he disappeared/couldn't get it together again/never got over you." I know it's not my fault, but I do feel partially responsible. His aunt said he stopped showing up to family gatherings after we broke up, and she hadn't seen him in about a year. I always knew he would pass before me, but I feel like if I had stuck around he might have gotten some more time. He might have had more time clean, and if nothing else, I would have made sure he got to a doctor sooner than he did after he got sick.

I'm going to do everything I can to help. I'm going to go help a friend start packing up his belongings tomorrow.

I haven't had the guts to call his mom yet. She's a wonderful woman, and we are still friends, but I have no idea what to say to her. What do I say to her? She's flying in to town in the next couple of days.

It's almost 5 am and I have class tomorrow, plus I'm probably going to spend a lot of the day at his place, and I'm up, writing on here, crying my brains out.

On top of it, I realized tonight that I don't have any real faith in an afterlife or reincarnation. I like the way it sounds, and I'd like to have faith, but I don't actually know that he's somewhere better. I hope he is.

[whatami]

I just have to say its not your fault but i understand why you feel that it is partially your fault but its not. A break up is not easy on either parties and it is clear that you cared about him and he cared about you. But the actions that he did, his drug addiction, unfortunately that was his choice to carry out these actions, not yours. It was his choice to not attend family gatherings after you split up, you didnt make him do any of that, that was his choice so its not your fault. I guess because you are going throught the grief period you are going to have these feelings of guilt and possibly regret. But there is nothing you can change now. Whats happened has happened. Make him proud by carrying on with your life and being there for his family. Share the good memories you had together xx

[sam1968]

I relate to a lot of what you have said. My soul mate of almost 10 years just passed on November 13, 2011, in her sleep. She had been sick a few days before, was a smoker, and had asthma. We are still waiting definite results. She was only 40, and my best friend. The emptiness I feel is unexplainable. I also have a hard time with the afterlife idea, or anything of the sort, but I hope with all my heart that I am wrong, I would want her to be in a wonderful place. It's such a hard thing losing someone, and I think that there is no comfort but time. This coming from someone who has lost a son, mother, father, sister, and two brothers, as well as a few very close friends.

[ada33r]

Remy,

My heart and deepest condolences go out to you in this terrible loss. Having a loved one addicted is already a struggle but losing them can be of more emotional anguish. Please don't despair, don't blame yourself, like whatami said, what happened is only a result of his choices. There is not one single factor that contributed to his actions and consequently his passing, it could have been a number of things. Do not torment yourself. Ecclesiastes 7:7 says that "mere oppression may make the wise one act crazy." You may be inclined to do things you otherwise would not do.

I don't know if you are much of a Bible reader, and my objective is only to share the hope that the Bible has given me and hope that it brings you hope too. Many do not understand what happens to us after we die, and with good reason since there are so many things that confuse us, from religion to media. But we have a reliable source of information, the Bible. It has given me hope beyond words can explain, my outlook on life has changed, not by following tradition or superstition but by reading directly from God's Word.

Remy you are going through "critical times hard to deal with" (2 Timothy 3:1). In fact, we all are going through some sort of struggle no matter where we are or what our social position is. Sadly, death affects us all but God is far more powerful than death. He promises us to destroy this enemy. 1 Corinthians 15:26 says "as the last enemy, death is to be brought to nothing.

The pain, the grief and the feelings of helplessness can seem unbearable when a loved one dies. But it's at such times that we need to go to God's Word for comfort. The Bible helps us to understand how Jesus and his Father felt about death. When Jesus' close friend Lazarus died we read in John 11:33, 35 that he "groaned in the spirit and became troubled..he gave way to tears". Even though Jesus knew that something wonderful was about to happen, he still felt the pain and sorrow that death brings.

When Jesus went to Lazarus' grave he said "Lazarus, come on out!" (John 11:43, 44) This was a minor demonstration of what was to come for the rest of mankind. There are nine miracles of this kind recorded in God's Word. We are told directly that "the hour is coming which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out" (John 5:28). This confirms an important truth and gives us hope. But there are other questions that arise like, what happens to us when we die? what does the Bible say about where we go?

In short, the Bible teaches that the dead "are conscious of nothing at all" (Ecclesiastes 9:5) When Lazarus was resurrected he didn't come back either with descriptions of heaven, or a fiery hell. Lazarus had simply been sleeping in death, and so are all of our loved ones who have passed.

Be assured that in your deepest, darkest moments you are not alone. There is One that does "not hide his ear to our relief, to our cry for help". (Lamentations 3:55, 56)

Much love,

Ada

P.S. Email me if you ever need to talk or have any other questions that you would like answers from the Bible, it is my delight to share these things with those who are willing to hear.

[widower2]

On top of it, I realized tonight that I don't have any real faith in an afterlife or reincarnation. I like the way it sounds, and I'd like to have faith, but I don't actually know that he's somewhere better. I hope he is.

I know what you mean. Nobody KNOWS. That's been hard for me too. I have often said if I could just know she's out there and is OK I could live with this loss just fine, even though I would still miss her, because I'd know this seperation is temporary. And I think that's how it is; it just makes sense to me. Best to you