Reality shift

[Missy1]

I’ve been trying to keep myself grounded, it’s been a year and five months. But the most profound thing I realize is that the 30 years I spent with my husband is my reality. Every day since he died has been some kind of confusing existence here, feel terrified and alone...

Today  I just needed to hear his voice so I played some of his voice mail messages. it felt good to know it was real.  I need to know that it was real, I am still in so much pain. I see others it have  recovered so much quicker than I have. I’m not really comparing myself. I just don’t know what I am going to do...still in the lost phase. Does the “lost” phase go away?  

 

 

[Maria_PI]

Absolutely a reality shift! To me, our life together before he passed seems like another lifetime. And I also have to look at photos, read messages every day to keep reminding myself that it was real and it did happen. My regret now is that I didn’t appreciate it as much at the time as it was worth. And I know it can never happen again because I am a different person now in a new reality and he, my one and only, my unique soulmate is gone... I am sorry I don’t have any words of consolation, only words of understanding. (((Hugs)))


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[june483]

5 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I see others it have  recovered so much quicker than I have.

Missy, My loss was Feb 1 or 2020, and I am right there with you- (we were together 40 years) I don't think we will ever "recover".  I am just trying to get to my retirement in 4 years and I am petrified about it.  I hope and pray things will fall into place.  I think of my time with my husband like I think of my childhood, it was another life I had. I was lucky that I never understood depression till now.  It is the monster I am trying to hide from - it grabs me then I pull away.  I am afraid everyday it will eat me up.  I have seen some progress (like I can sleep finally and have gotten my weight back to normal) so I haven't gone to a therapist, (yet!) but I keep that option open.  I hope you have been able to as well, but still don't think I will ever recover.

[BridgetMcSki]

I have gone and specially found a bereavement therapist and I trust her. It doesn’t take the pin away but it does provide support. I still can’t believe that time has stopped on May 10th, 2021. I still can’t comprehend that. Someone told me to, “move on” and I bit my tongue so hard. But as my therapist said, there is no timeline. We all have our own way of processing. 

[steveb]

Missy, It’s been 10 months since my lovely wife passed.  Yes, I can sleep and eat better now, but our worlds were turned upside down.  I have changed my priorities in life, which has helped get “better” and not feel as lost.  Share your pain with others that can empathize. People that say “move on” are idiots, and more than likely haven’t gone through any serious hardships and/or loss. Such people are to be dismissed/ignored/blown-off.  The lost and feeling like you are adrift at sea phase will lessen, but at your rate.  Please keep us posted on how you are doing.  
 

Hugs … Steve 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Does the “lost” phase go away?  

I'm not sure I can answer that.  I keep going one day at a time all these years later but I never had to do that before he died.  There was a sense of comfort, a security in having him with me that I have not felt since.  I just do that I know to do and try not to think too hard about the future, this is all I can handle.  It definitely feels different than it did before.

2 hours ago, BridgetMcSki said:

“move on”

Should not ever be uttered in conjunction with grief/loss!  Extremely inappropriate!  

2 hours ago, june483 said:

I don't think we will ever "recover".

I don't think that's a term I would use either, it's not a bad toothache, it's a life altering event.  How do you "recover" from that?  No, instead you learn to live with it as best as you can.  And that's a tall order.

[Gail 8588]

9 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Does the “lost” phase go away?  

Missy and others,

It is hard to put into words what I mean when I say I have gotten better, but my answer is - Yes, the lost feeling has mostly gone away.

I was very lost for 3 years or more.  But in my 4th year I did get better. 

My life is not like it was when John was with me.  There was a confidence and security that whatever calamity came our way, we would get through it together.  I am not as secure and confident now. I worry more about the future because I face it alone. But I am no longer lost, frightened, feeling abandoned, confused all the time.  I can make a plan to do something and go for it. I may have to adjust my plan if stuff comes up, but so far I am muddling through most things. 

Life will never be as easy and comfortable as it was with John, because there were 2 of us working for our goals then. Now it is just me, and that is harder.  I believe that will be the case for the rest of my life. 

But my life now is much better than it was during those first 3 years.  I wasn't really living then.  I was lost in fear and loneliness. I felt no connection to the world or anyone in it, including my 2 wonderful adult sons. I thought they didn't need me, no one needed me, I was just a useless burden on the planet, not contributing anything to anyone. I didn't want to live like that. 

Yet I knew, other widows/widowers must have gotten better than I was feeling.  They can't possibly be living in this state of pain and despair for the rest of their lives.  So in my 4th year of grief I tried many different things to find my way back to the living world.  I don't know that any of those things actually helped my mind heal, but for whatever reason I did undergo a shift in my perception of the world. I became connected to it again, gradually. None of this happened quickly.  Now I am in my 5th year and I can really feel how far I have come. 

I still miss John, but it is not that lost feeling that I can't live without him.  I can. I am.  And I am enjoying my life now. 

I hope this gives you some hope for the future. 

Gail

[jmmosley53]

It seems to me that when the world stopped on April 3rd 2020 - that time was forcing me forward.  I had no idea what direction I wanted to take.  I was not afraid, I just didn't have a plan. 

When I left home to go to school I had to reinvent myself.  I needed to learn to live away from my parents, away from my sisters, I was afraid then.

Now I am somewhere in-between becoming a recluse or getting up and doing something to define the new me.

I think I am going to play the whole thing by ear.

[foreverhis]

I have to echo absolutely every word Gail wrote.  I'm more than a year behind her, but as I approach 3 years, I do feel a gradual shift as I've learned to carry my grief and combine it with my love and memories.  As I take each step forward, that burden becomes just a tiny bit easier to bear.

My first 2 years, I was lost most of the time.  It was during the second year that I started to inch my way forward with help from friends and family (local and distant) and the members here.  A few of my local friends, the ones who know me best, gave me gentle little "nudges" at times; they also knew when to back off and just let me be.  I'm really lucky that way.

I miss John every minute of every day.  I always will.  But now that missing, that knowing my life was so much better, safer, and happier with him by my side, isn't all I feel.  And the painful, heartbreaking images of his cancer fight and then his last day aren't all I see in my mind's eye.

As for how long it takes anyone to start taking those steps and start figuring out how to live a different, in many ways lesser (at least for me), life, there is absolutely no time line.  It depends on so many things.  I don't believe it is fast for anyone and it sure as heck isn't easy--it's the hardest thing I've ever had to face, which is saying something considering how many challenges John and I had tossed our way over the decades.

So slowly that sometimes I don't notice, I am getting stronger (real strength, not the "put of a brave face" facade).  I more often find joy and even happiness in my life now.  That was unthinkable until these past several months.  I hope to continue on this path, which I also couldn't have said in the first year.  Last year, I read a haiku about the pandemic:  “We isolate now/so when we gather again/no one is missing."   I mentioned it to our daughter recently when we were talking about when we could plan a visit (they're in Seattle).  I said something like, "I simply couldn't bear the idea of losing anyone else I love, and recently I realized I don't want to be the one missing.  I couldn't have said that 2 years ago."  She was stunned.  I explained that I had never been suicidal, but neither did I care about living and that if the pandemic had hit then, I'm not sure I would have cared about that for myself either.

I think we all go back and forth, down and up, and around on this difficult journey.  There are absolutely times that I do still feel lost, but not as often and not as long.  I'm also pretty sure that I'm going to be taking it one day at a time for a long time, though now I can make short-term plans and even look forward to them.

[steveb]

foreverhis, thank you so much for sharing.

[Sparky1]

I don't think I'm at a stage where I feel that it's getting manageable. I miss my wife every second of the day and night, and now that our up north home is about to be reopened after this long lockdown, it gets even harder. We both loved being up there, getting away from the city and actually breathing some clean air. It will be tough on me to be there without her, all the memories and good times we had haunt me before I've gone up there. Just the realization that she is not here with me hits me very hard, and I don't know where to turn to, I've lost half my life and I feel so empty.

[BridgetMcSki]

Thank you @Gail 8588 @foreverhis, I feel abandoned, lost, angry and a combination of the feeling of selfishness for wondering at 34 years old how I will get through life alone. I feel empty one minute and then o.k the next. It is just a roller coaster of emotions. Thank you for showing that I will survive. 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I've learned to carry my grief

Me too. 

15 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I don't think I'm at a stage where I feel that it's getting manageable.

It took me much time...years.

[june483]

On 5/30/2021 at 10:58 AM, Gail 8588 said:

I hope this gives you some hope for the future. 

 

Thanks Gail - it does and I needed to hear it at this point in time