Members Popular Post CMW Posted May 30, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 30, 2021 Hi everybody. So my husband passed away suddenly a month ago. He was traveling alot for work and ended up getting very ill with a bacterial lung infection. He spent 10 days in one hospital and then went into coma and spent 4 1/2 weeks in ICU. I did everything I could to take care of our home, keep up on the bills, visit him and read the Bible to him even though he was in the coma and couldn't talk to me. I did everything I could as his wife. We were married 16 years. He passed away and I made sure he had a proper funeral. I'm keeping the relationship going with his parents. (He was their only child) I don't want them to lose me as well. We have a good relationship. So lately I've been cleaning/repainting our master bedroom/bath/closet. I need a fresh start and don't want to live in a room that is 'frozen in time' from our marriage days. The work is helping me heal. Last night I was going thru our closet and came across his computer bag. He would take this bag on his many business trips. I decided to take everything out. Unfortunately while I was digging out the front pockets I discovered 3 unused condoms, a piece of paper with a woman's phone number written on it and ripped in 3 pieces and a business card for a massage parlor in Georgia. Majority of his business trips were to a factory outside of Atlanta, Georgia. I'm beyond disgusted with what I found. The condoms expired in 2020. That would make them a few years old. He had no energy in that department for the last couple years. He had gained alot of weight and had other male issues. I think he must have forgotten that these items were in there, (he was a messy, disorganized person) because he asked me to bring him this bag when he was still awake at the hospital. I'm thanking God that I never dug around in there until now. If I had found this stuff while he was awake in the hospital, I would have confronted him and started a huge fight. The doctors warned us that he probably wasn't going to survive this illness and I believe the hospital's care just was delaying the inevitable. I would have blamed myself for his death then. I seriously don't know how to process all this. I know I definently deserve a better partner in the future. I'm grateful that I can financial keep our farm. I'm grateful for my farm business. I'm gratefully we never got divorced, because I would have had to start from zero. Thanks everyone for reading. God bless 2 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Missy1 Posted May 30, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 30, 2021 Personally I would process it as we are all human beings and we all make mistakes, but he came home to you he loves you but he wasn’t perfect but you loved him in spite of his flaws. I know that many of us did things were not proud of whether it’s lose our temper or say something nasty or some other indiscretion we never meant to hurt anyone, we always loved our partner as human beings are weak. I would not dwell on that I would remember the love that you two shared and focus on those beautiful memories, don’t let something like an indiscretion destroy your beautiful memories and the love you feel for him. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted May 30, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 30, 2021 CMW, I am so sorry for your loss and for this additional pain. You will feel what you feel, I know it's not something you choose, but I would try to not jump to too many conclusions based on what you found. He can't give you an explanation now. Whatever was going on you two very well may have gotten through it. I'd try to focus on your 16 year marriage and the love you shared. Hugs Gail 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 30, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted May 30, 2021 @CMW I am so sorry! It is very hard to discover secrets after they died as we don't get to confront them or talk to them or hear their remorse. No one should ever have to go through this but it does happen. My husband didn't cheat on me but confessed to me three weeks before he died that he'd been using Meth. Our credit line had been used for $72,000 on a home I previously had paid for before we married (married 3 years 8 months) and for the next year after he died I kept figuring out/discovering lies/theft from me to cover his tracks. It was very hard to come to terms with the deception. I was finally able to recognize the whole of the man, not just the part, forgive him, but not negate our love either. He was in rehab when he passed and I have every reason to believe he would have made it. He'd shown determination in his life before. It could be that your husband having impotence issues may be why he resorted to what he did, but I know it feels a huge betrayal. It does not mean he didn't love you, although you could FEEL that way definitely, but I'd caution you against making quick determinations...this may take you a while to get through and you might benefit from a therapist to help you through it. I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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