Lost my mum this week

[KeyLimePie1]

Hello All. I am new to the Forum and I am glad to have found a safe space to discuss my current grief.

Three days ago, my mum passed away after a spell in Hospital. She initially went in for some treatment for another condition, and we were expecting her to come home after a few days, but she unfortunately ended up taking a turn for the worse a week last Friday. Me and my sister unfortunately got the phone call on Wednesday to attend hospital where we were told face to face, that there was no more they could do for our mum.

Me and my sister were by her bedside in her final hours, and this was both a traumatic and a healing period of time where we felt our mum's presence also gave us the strength to get through it. We were glad to be there for our wonderful mum, but it was soul destroying to see her in that way, after all the wonderful care and joy she gave us both throughout our lives. 

Our mum was very important to both me and my sister, but I just wanted to talk from my own perspective in this post. I feel incredibly lost without mum and I know it has only been 3 days. Of course, everyone goes through this at some point in their lifetime, but mum was only 61 year old and I feel cheated and robbed of part of my future that we now can't share with mum.

I am 30 years old now, and have lived with my mum at home since I was 14. My home already feels empty, and some people may say I eventually need to leave here for my own good. However, getting rid of our home would be like closing the chapter completely and I don't want to do this. We had some nice memories in this place, I still sometimes feel mum's presence here, and I feel I owe it to mum to keep this house going. We have a 2 year old Cat which she would want me to continue to look after, as she loved it very much. 

I am currently a single man with no children, and a small family that consists of me, my sister and my two nieces. I also have a small group of friends, but the loss of my mum's love and care has made me feel really empty inside. Whenever I had a problem, or if I needed help with my depression or anxiety, she would always be there to sort it out and get me back on track.

I just don't feel I will ever properly recover from this. I feel my life has been truly destroyed forever, and the love I had for mum is backfiring on me now, to the point I don't feel I will ever function properly again. All the things I used to enjoy no longer matter, or will never be as enjoyable again even when I choose to throw myself back into doing these things.

I have moments where I try and put myself in my mum's shoes in her childhood - her own mum passed away when she was only 13 years old. I ask myself how mum got through that as a 13 year old child, and she clearly did to manage to carry on with her life and to have me, my late brother and my sister. I guess this should give me strength and courage to try do the same as I am a grown adult, but I fear it is going to be impossible with this huge, irreplaceable gap in our lives.

I know people will say "I need to carry on as that's what mum would want" - and I know she wouldn't like me being as upset as I am, but I just don't feel I will ever receive the same amount of love or care again in my life. A good mum's love is unique and can't be replaced by anyone else. It's all still a huge shock. I feel the world will always be a darker place without mum. 

[bereaveddaughter]

Hey,

I am sorry for your loss. 

I wish I could write down something that could just take away your pain...I lost my father last year and it still hurts just the same...

I try to take things one day at a time. I keep thinking that with each day, I am a day closer to meeting him. 

Try to keep yourself super busy so you don't have much time to think because if you start thinking, you are in a dark place again.

Thinking of you and sending prayers your way

 

[KeyLimePie1]

1 hour ago, bereaveddaughter said:

Hey,

I am sorry for your loss. 

I wish I could write down something that could just take away your pain...I lost my father last year and it still hurts just the same...

I try to take things one day at a time. I keep thinking that with each day, I am a day closer to meeting him. 

Try to keep yourself super busy so you don't have much time to think because if you start thinking, you are in a dark place again.

Thinking of you and sending prayers your way

 

Thank you for your response and I am sorry for your loss also.

The night times and the early mornings are the most difficult parts of the day at the moment. The little things she used to do for me that I never really appreciated, I really miss now.  I can't begin to describe the sadness I feel. I also feel guilt I didn't show enough appreciation when she was here.

Everything she did had a personal touch, nothing I or anyone else does will be the same as how she did it. She was and still is so special to me. I am just so scared of going on without her. 

Do you take any comfort in thinking that even in their absence, your parent is and always will be, a part of you no matter what? 

[Lenka]

Hi, Gribble.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. No one can replace a mom. Very similar situation: my mom had cancer. I took care of her here in my home for 7 months. The last weeks were extremely painful and traumatic, especially the last few days. My sister and I were laying beside my mom when she passed. (March of this year) She was only 68. My sister and I often speak about how we feel we've been robbed. Prior to her diagnosis my mom was full of life, so young for her age. she was everything to us. My dad has passed away in 2019 and my mom was still grieving his loss. I depended on my mom so much, too much. My mom was the best, best friend in the world, to the point where I wasn't interested in having other friends. We spoke every day, usually more than once.We were 2 peas in a pod and she was my person: the one person that understood me and that I could just be my 100% self around and it was the same for her.

When you say "A good mum's love is unique and can't be replaced by anyone else. It's all still a huge shock. I feel the world will always be a darker place without mum.", I think that's true to an extent. I don't think you or I will ever stop missing our moms. I think that people expect life to get back to normal eventually. I don't think that's possible because it can't be the same "normal" anymore. We have to go on living a different life and it takes a while to adjust to that.

I haven't come to a place where I take comfort in the thought of my parents off somewhere having a good time. What comforts me a little is that I feel so lucky and honored to have had them. I am glad that they taught me what they did and shaped me to be very much like them in many ways. I feel like I owe it to them to be the best I can, to be a great mom to my kids and a person they could continue being proud of. I don't know how it would be possible to want to go on without something to strive towards, a goal.

 

As for the night and mornings, yes, I understand. It's the first thing on your mind probably even before you wake up and before you go to sleep. I wake up a lot during the night and have nightmares. (I used to sleep hard without waking at all) Without help (audiobook) I would probably end up laying there thinking very dark thoughts and spiralling into severe depression. I fall asleep with headphones in my ears nightly. You could try that.even during the day while your doing chores. I find the less time I spend thinking "dark" thoughts, the better off I will be mentally. (I have experienced depression before and keep anxiety in check) That's not to say avoiding grief, just not allowing it to overtake my life.

Sending you hugs.

[KeyLimePie1]

8 hours ago, Lenka said:

Hi, Gribble.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. No one can replace a mom. Very similar situation: my mom had cancer. I took care of her here in my home for 7 months. The last weeks were extremely painful and traumatic, especially the last few days. My sister and I were laying beside my mom when she passed. (March of this year) She was only 68. My sister and I often speak about how we feel we've been robbed. Prior to her diagnosis my mom was full of life, so young for her age. she was everything to us. My dad has passed away in 2019 and my mom was still grieving his loss. I depended on my mom so much, too much. My mom was the best, best friend in the world, to the point where I wasn't interested in having other friends. We spoke every day, usually more than once.We were 2 peas in a pod and she was my person: the one person that understood me and that I could just be my 100% self around and it was the same for her.

When you say "A good mum's love is unique and can't be replaced by anyone else. It's all still a huge shock. I feel the world will always be a darker place without mum.", I think that's true to an extent. I don't think you or I will ever stop missing our moms. I think that people expect life to get back to normal eventually. I don't think that's possible because it can't be the same "normal" anymore. We have to go on living a different life and it takes a while to adjust to that.

I haven't come to a place where I take comfort in the thought of my parents off somewhere having a good time. What comforts me a little is that I feel so lucky and honored to have had them. I am glad that they taught me what they did and shaped me to be very much like them in many ways. I feel like I owe it to them to be the best I can, to be a great mom to my kids and a person they could continue being proud of. I don't know how it would be possible to want to go on without something to strive towards, a goal.

 

As for the night and mornings, yes, I understand. It's the first thing on your mind probably even before you wake up and before you go to sleep. I wake up a lot during the night and have nightmares. (I used to sleep hard without waking at all) Without help (audiobook) I would probably end up laying there thinking very dark thoughts and spiralling into severe depression. I fall asleep with headphones in my ears nightly. You could try that.even during the day while your doing chores. I find the less time I spend thinking "dark" thoughts, the better off I will be mentally. (I have experienced depression before and keep anxiety in check) That's not to say avoiding grief, just not allowing it to overtake my life.

Sending you hugs.

Hello Lenka.

Thank you for your kind words and your response. I am so sorry to read of your loss also,  send my sincere condolences and I hope you and your sister also can eventually find some peace somewhere down the line. 68 is simply no age to lose someone, but your mum would definitely have been so proud of you both for being there for her when she needed you the most.

I know what you mean by we have to adjust to a new kind of normal. It's going to take a lot of time, but I know we need to find a way of finding our own inner peace in terms of being able to try and carry on with our mum in our hearts and our minds. Eventually I feel the only way through is to replace the dark thoughts with the happy memories, but this is going to take time.

Our mums will always be part of us no matter what we do, or wherever we go, but we must work to find the strength to carry on somehow. In my darkest moments, I ask my mum to give me the strength and I know she wouldn't want us to be as upset as we are, but it is so so difficult when you miss the small things they used to do. They had their own unique ways of making us feel better in our toughest times, and the thought of never having that again is so difficult to process and accept. It just feels impossible at the moment but it's only been 4 days.

The thought of one day stepping back out into the world, going back to work, playing Football/Soccer in my spare time and seeing friends is already filling me with dread. I know I will not have the same level of enthusiasm as I did for these things before, and people will recognise it and not like it. I am fearful people will give up on me eventually and they won't be able to handle that I am not the same person as I probably was. Then again, I guess we find who our real friends are when we go through the hardest of times. 

Like you, I also feel fortunate to have had the mum we had and again I hope in time I will recognise this deep down inside despite the fact we will always miss her so much. We didn't have a great father, so our mum was like two parents in one and that's why we were so so close. I just can't help but feel that closeness in life, is why the impact on us is so great when they are not sadly here. But we wouldn't have had it any other way.

I also send hugs, and hope you are doing as best as you can be. I am always here to chat anytime.

[Lenka]

10 hours ago, GribbleMC1 said:

The thought of one day stepping back out into the world, going back to work, playing Football/Soccer in my spare time and seeing friends is already filling me with dread.

I think that’s quite understandable. Often you may feel as though you’re just going through the motions of life. I think people understand this and don’t expect you to truly happy and chipper. It feels as though you’re just going through each day doing what it is that you’re supposed to do, hoping that one day (in time) you’ll not feel this way. Waiting. It’s ok if you don’t want to socialize as much for a while. That’s to be expected. I found even in the midst of the worst times, there are moments that can bring a laugh or a smile. Maybe it was because we were both so sleep deprived and in shock but we ended up laughing to the point of crying in the middle of planning my moms funeral. That sounds absolutely horrible, I know. The funeral dicrector had tried cropping an imagine of my mom for the obituary and ended up “fixing” her hair with photoshop where a bit was missing, except it ended up looking like a raccoon tail instead of hair. We were so horrified and absolutely panicked to make sure she didn’t use that photo like that. I said to my sister, “Can you even imagine mom’s reaction to seeing this picture of her like this? Like if she had to have her picture in the paper for some reason and this is what was going to be printed?”. We both thought about it and knew exactly what she would say and how mortified she would have been...we burst out laughing to the point of tears, saying what she would have said and it felt a bit as though she had really been there and reacted that way. (We did get the picture changed in time) 

From what I’ve experienced and what I’ve heard from others that have gone through loss, it’s usual to lack enthusiasm and feel down and depressed when returning to your everyday life. People won’t expect you to be back to “normal”. It’s also okay to have moments where you can smile and laugh.  

I spent the first several weeks feeling mostly numb, thinking there might be something wrong with me. I’d be “ok” until someone gave me their condolences and was confronted with their tears. It’s difficult to receive sympathy from others when you want to reject the reality of your loved one being gone. 

I appreciate your kind words and extend the same offer: if you ever need to talk, vent, cry or whatever, I’ll be here. I know how stressful this period is. 

[KeyLimePie1]

14 hours ago, Lenka said:

I think that’s quite understandable. Often you may feel as though you’re just going through the motions of life. I think people understand this and don’t expect you to truly happy and chipper. It feels as though you’re just going through each day doing what it is that you’re supposed to do, hoping that one day (in time) you’ll not feel this way. Waiting. It’s ok if you don’t want to socialize as much for a while. That’s to be expected. I found even in the midst of the worst times, there are moments that can bring a laugh or a smile. Maybe it was because we were both so sleep deprived and in shock but we ended up laughing to the point of crying in the middle of planning my moms funeral. That sounds absolutely horrible, I know. The funeral dicrector had tried cropping an imagine of my mom for the obituary and ended up “fixing” her hair with photoshop where a bit was missing, except it ended up looking like a raccoon tail instead of hair. We were so horrified and absolutely panicked to make sure she didn’t use that photo like that. I said to my sister, “Can you even imagine mom’s reaction to seeing this picture of her like this? Like if she had to have her picture in the paper for some reason and this is what was going to be printed?”. We both thought about it and knew exactly what she would say and how mortified she would have been...we burst out laughing to the point of tears, saying what she would have said and it felt a bit as though she had really been there and reacted that way. (We did get the picture changed in time) 

From what I’ve experienced and what I’ve heard from others that have gone through loss, it’s usual to lack enthusiasm and feel down and depressed when returning to your everyday life. People won’t expect you to be back to “normal”. It’s also okay to have moments where you can smile and laugh.  

I spent the first several weeks feeling mostly numb, thinking there might be something wrong with me. I’d be “ok” until someone gave me their condolences and was confronted with their tears. It’s difficult to receive sympathy from others when you want to reject the reality of your loved one being gone. 

I appreciate your kind words and extend the same offer: if you ever need to talk, vent, cry or whatever, I’ll be here. I know how stressful this period is. 

Thank you for your response. I know what you mean, I know there will be moments I think of certain things and I think of how mum could rant about it in a certain way and it used to make me laugh - I hope to get to that point where I think about that more than what has happened in the past week. I want the happy memories to override the sadness of this time.

At the moment there are certain times of the day she would do things and I always think "at this time she'd be having her breakfast, at this time she'd be cleaning the house, at this time she'd be making tea or going for a bath". That is very difficult to know she is not here to do those things. She was very structured and in a routine with everything she did.

I will always miss her so much as long as I am alive. Last night I stayed with my sister and I returned home this morning (to the home me and my mum shared) - and as soon as I walked in, I could smell her perfume like she had been there. I have never been spiritual, but something told me there that her presence is still around in some way. This gave me a bit of comfort, but I just hope that wasn't my imagination playing tricks on me as well! People always tell me she will always be around and will always be part of me and my sister no matter what. Again this gives me some comfort to remember I am my mum's son.

I think I am going to need some time off work, I do not feel ready to return in the next week or two. I may need to contact my Doctor to get a note to sign me off if possible. I hope you are keeping OK. Thank you for your kind support and like I say, feel free to drop me a message anytime you like! You have been very helpful!

[Lenka]

1 hour ago, GribbleMC1 said:

I think I am going to need some time off work, I do not feel ready to return in the next week or two.

That’s completely understandable. I hope you’re able to get the time off. Your mom was lucky to have a son that loved her so dearly. I’m sure she is with you in some way, giving you strength and the courage to go on.

Ahhh  returning to the house had to be so overwhelming. I hope you’re doing ok. Sending you a big hug.  

Since my mom passed. I haven’t touched the room in my home that was hers while she was here. It was her room for so many months and I can’t bring myself to disturb anything. There is a cabinet in my kitchen that’s filled with her things. A few times I’ve opened it up with the intention of clearing it out. I just can’t. 

I hope you have friends and family that can be there for you and help you. I’m glad you have your sister there for you. Sometimes I’ll be very upset but don’t want to call anyone because I feel like I don’t want to be depressing to them or that it’s an inconvenient time. (I’m a night owl) This is a good place for times like that. It’s good to know you always have somewhere that you can “go” and express what you’re feeling. 

You’re never truly alone. 

 

 

[KeyLimePie1]

On 5/31/2021 at 8:21 PM, Lenka said:

Since my mom passed. I haven’t touched the room in my home that was hers while she was here. It was her room for so many months and I can’t bring myself to disturb anything. There is a cabinet in my kitchen that’s filled with her things. A few times I’ve opened it up with the intention of clearing it out. I just can’t. 

Hi Lenka - thanks again for your message and I hope you are keeping well. Please feel free to message me about your experiences anytime. That is exactly how I feel with regards to my mum's room. I haven't started sorting things out yet but I think I will always leave the room like that whilst ever I live in this house.

I haven't cried properly for nearly 2 days now, after spending the first few days in regular floods of tears, but I just still feel so sad and broken without her presence here. I just hope the more positive memories will override the bad ones I currently have. I just hope I will be able to still have love for my mum without it completely breaking me apart thinking about her not being there.

Today I am having a day where I regret not showing enough appreciation to her, not being grateful enough for all the good she did me and my sister. We really do love her so much and I just hope she knew that.

I hope eventually I can find creative ways to honour her memory and find things to do, maybe watch TV programmes/ films we enjoyed and try and remember her as if she's still sat with me watching them. I've thought of maybe writing letters to her. I am trying to think a little more spiritually to give me comfort that she will still guide me through life but in another way. With any key life decisions I make, I will always have her in mind. What would mum do etc.

I am also trying to constantly think that her legacy is me, my sister and my two nieces. With that in mind, her purpose on earth will always be fulfilled and she will still be talked about in decades and decades to come. 

[Lenka]

47 minutes ago, GribbleMC1 said:

Today I am having a day where I regret not showing enough appreciation to her, not being grateful enough for all the good she did me and my sister. We really do love her so much and I just hope she knew that.

 I hear you. I have one regret: during the time she stayed here I wish I would have spent more “fun”/relaxing time with her. I keep remembering one day where she said “just leave the work and come watch a movie with me. I’ll order dinner and pay for it.” I wish I would have. Instead I made dinner because I didn’t want her paying for it and I didn’t want to spend the money to order out. It was a difficult situation. I was her full time caretaker and I also had to take care of my 2 young children (and homeschool one of them) in addition to my husband who works 12 hour shifts, half of which are night shifts. I was preparing 2 different breakfast, lunches and dinners most days, fresh juices, etc in addition to so many other things. I guess at the time I thought we would have so much more time, that she would get better. I just keep hearing that phrase and it stabs like a knife. I wish I just would have said “ok”. I keep going back and forth between my reasons for not, I was only sleeping 3-5 hours a night for many months and found if I ever sat down for any length of time I wouldn’t be able to get back up again as the fatigue would set in, I had so much regular chores to do in addition to caring for my mom (which the last few months Deb extended to getting up at night to help her or administer medication).  Ahh gosh, I’m sorry, I ended up rambling on there. 

The point is that I know she understood. She knew how much I loved her. I’m sure your mom knew it too. Everyone gets distracted in life. From what it sounds like you had a great relationship with your mom. From what it seems like to me, you did spent a lot of time with her and noticed what she was doing during the day. You knew her routines and how she would react to a situation. I’m sure she knew how much you appreciated her, especially considering you would go to her to talk and feel safe. For a mother, that’s very rewarding and we know our kids love us. (Mine are 4 & 8 so maybe not so much appreciation yet  )

I think it’s reasonable to keep things in her room the way they are. Even after a year my mom has left many of my dads things where they were. (He passed away in 2019) His jacket sling over the office chair, his shoes in the shoe rack, his clothes in the dresser. I think those possessions are all we have left of those we love. It’s what they chose and made a point of having and taking care of. It’s the only physical manifestation (apart from us) that remain. I am having a very difficult time with having to empty out and sell my moms house. I’ve pretty much avoided it since March. I just can’t imagine my parents home and things being gone: that place that I had so many memories from my entire life no longer being there to go to. Ah well, I’ll deal with that when I have no choice left. Anyways, I understand and it’s very hard. Hope you’re doing ok today. Oh, my sister writes letters to my mom. She says it helps her. I talk to my mom occasionally, but mostly it just makes me cry. I’ll attempt to send a direct message to you in the case you ever need to talk. I’m brand new here and am not quite sure how this site operates. Thanks for sharing with me. I hope you’re doing alright.

[Elizabeth711]

Hi GribbleMC1,

I know what you are going through my Mom passed on April 23, 2021 and I was her caregiver and lived with her for many years. I know how hard it is to go home to a house that seems so empty now. It was always just Mom and I (I am an only child) so her passing leaves such a large hole in my life. I can tell you things get a little bit better as time goes on. It helped me to try to do things she liked or that we did together. I got take out from our favorite restaurant and watched some Tv shows we both liked. I missed her but I felt a bit better. I also have put up pictures of her (Mom did not like having her pictures out) and I do talk to her everyday. I also started a journal in which I write down anything that might be a sign from her. I have had a few things happen and when I miss her I look through the journal and remind myself I have got some signs from her. I know I will always miss her but I am trying to go forward since she would want me to do that. The loss of a mother is so hard to take.

[KeyLimePie1]

16 hours ago, Lenka said:

 I hear you. I have one regret: during the time she stayed here I wish I would have spent more “fun”/relaxing time with her. I keep remembering one day where she said “just leave the work and come watch a movie with me. I’ll order dinner and pay for it.” I wish I would have. Instead I made dinner because I didn’t want her paying for it and I didn’t want to spend the money to order out. 

This is something that is plaguing my mind at the moment, but what I would I say (And I know we never take our own advice in these scenarios) but just remember all the times you did do things, and remember you were there what she needed you most. I know exactly what you mean, because I think of all the evenings we were in the same house and I was in my bedroom and mum was sat downstairs but she always knew I was only upstairs if she needed me, and she was never really on her own. It's exactly the same for you and your mum too! She knew you were always there and you guided her through the toughest of times. Be so proud of what you did for her.

It is so easy to be hard on yourself in the aftermath of what we have experienced. We need to try and be kinder to ourselves as hard as it is (Again I need to take my own advice!). You also had a very busy schedule - bringing up children, looking after your family, caring half of your day, and then you've got to squeeze some hours in to get your rest - we really do end up with such little time. Nobody is to blame, it's just such an unfortunate circumstance, and you have really been through the toughest of times which I only recently have come to understand, so please please be kind to yourself! I think you've done amazing and your mum will know you did all you could, and would be very very proud of you.

I am also dreading the time that comes to sort out our mum's things. Is there anyone you feel you can ask to help you with it, or would you rather do it yourself to keep it personal between you and your mum? I think I will end up keeping most of her things and putting them in a safe box somewhere. I know that seems crazy but I don't think I can ever give away or discard her things, not even her clothing. That would be traumatic for me in itself. I think I'm better off keeping them in a safe place somewhere, never to be touched or opened.

My situation is that I shared home with mum, and I am trying to keep in mind it's barely been a week yet and there's no timeframe to deal with grief. One part of me is desperate to stay in this house to always keep me close to mum's memory, keeping some old memories alive and maybe making some new ones here in the future if I meet a partner and end up having my own children. I think my nieces also see this as a safe space that keeps them close to their grandmother when they do come and visit me. At the same time, another half of me feels that if I can't shake away the emptiness I feel in the long term, then I may need to relocate for my own good. I can't imagine birthdays, Mother's Days and Christmas times in this house without mum, but they may end up getting a bit easier once we get through the first anniversaries. That will be another heart wrenching decision that I hope I never have to make.

I hope you are doing OK today. Sending hugs from the UK.

 

 

[Lenka]

4 hours ago, GribbleMC1 said:

This is something that is plaguing my mind at the moment, but what I would I say (And I know we never take our own advice in these scenarios)

You’re exactly right. I have thought the same whilst conversing with you. It’s much clearer to see the truth of things when regarding someone else’s situation, but challenging when trying to apply the same to yourself. 

 

4 hours ago, GribbleMC1 said:

but she always knew I was only upstairs if she needed me, and she was never really on her own

That’s right. You were there and you know you would have been there for her if she ever needed anything. I’m certain she knew the same.

4 hours ago, GribbleMC1 said:

Is there anyone you feel you can ask to help you with it, or would you rather do it yourself to keep it personal between you and your mum?

My sister and I have to do it together. I do have an uncle that comes to help, he makes sure everything is ok with the house and has helped with many things. We went and cleaned out the kitchen some weeks back. We both found it too difficult to get rid of just about anything. We both decided we’d rather give away some of our own things and replace it with mom’s because it was hers and it means something. The thought of parting with the items is too painful. There is a sofa she had for many years and that she loved so much. It’s special. My sister is unable to take it and I have no where to put it so I think I’m going to sell one of mine just to be able to take it. I simply can’t imagine it belonging to someone else. 

I don’t think it’s crazy at all not to be able to part with the items. Perhaps one day we might be able to look upon them differently, but I think it’s ok to hold on to them as long as we need.

 

As far as you staying in the house or relocating one day: I think that’s probably some time away before you have to make that decision. Things are so raw right now, it’s impossible to know how you’re going to feel about the situation in 6 months or a year. 

4 hours ago, GribbleMC1 said:

I can't imagine birthdays, Mother's Days and Christmas times in this house without mum, but they may end up getting a bit easier once we get through the first anniversaries.

These are not easy. My family was big on holidays. We always had the same feast every occasion: my mom’s cabbage rolls always being a special treat. I refused to celebrate Easter this year apart from giving the kids some treats and doing a little candy hunt for them. I also refused to mark Mother’s Day. My sister had invited me over for dinner but I declined. I didn’t want to experience a family get together without my mom there. I dread Christmas the most. 

I know how difficult it is those first days and weeks. Life feels so surreal. My sister and I kept saying “none of this is real anyways” or “This can’t be real.” You’re carrying on the best you can through this painful time. Give yourself credit and be kind to yourself. Some of the best advice I’ve heard in life is to treat yourself as though you were someone else you love and deeply care for. 

[KeyLimePie1]

On 6/2/2021 at 10:27 PM, Lenka said:

There is a sofa she had for many years and that she loved so much. It’s special. My sister is unable to take it and I have no where to put it so I think I’m going to sell one of mine just to be able to take it. I simply can’t imagine it belonging to someone else. 

I don’t think it’s crazy at all not to be able to part with the items. Perhaps one day we might be able to look upon them differently, but I think it’s ok to hold on to them as long as we need.

That sounds like a great idea - I totally understand where you are coming from - just can't bear the thought of giving away mums items or leaving them somewhere outside these four walls. She was very charitable and I know she wouldn't mind the idea of giving to charity, but I just can't bring myself to do that. I wouldn't have an issue giving items to close family - like my niece will probably have her necklace she wore and she will continue to wear it in her memory. But that's as far as it goes for me.

I don't know about you, but I am grateful to have the support of my sister, dealing with this all on my own would be even more unbearable than it already is so my heart goes out to people in that situation. I really do feel their pain as much as our own.

Your mum sounded so traditional in her ways particularly with what you say about Christmas  - and you do wonder whether these kind of traditions are going away as time has moved on and Christmas and holidays become even more commercialised. People of that generation were made of different stuff, they lived through times where they had to appreciate and make the best of what they had. Personal qualities which they have passed onto us to keep going!

Regarding home - I just live in hope one day we will be able to create some new, happy memories in this place in honour of my mum. We were estranged from our father, and moving to this house when I was 14 gave us both a safety net from the troubles of our past. I'll never forget what she did for us all. She did everything for me to make sure I got through school, graduated college and university and then helped me get a good job in the local authority, which I've had for nearly 9 years now. I wouldn't have done what I did without my mum. I have to carry on or what she sacrificed will have been for nothing if I give up. It's just so tough without her here.

Mum and me always had deep conversations, and when I used to feel a bit down about being single, and having doubts about prospects of one day having my own family - she would always say "when I'm gone I know you'll one day be living in this house with your partner and children". I kind of want to make that happen for her one day, to make her wish come true - even though relationships are my very last priority at the moment. I won't be ready for anything like that for a very, very long time.

Today was a mixed day really. I had a day where I stayed in bed until about 2pm (very lazy I know!) - I just felt really empty inside. I really miss the sounds of mum pottering around the house. My sister and my mum's cousin then came and we all had a chat and I felt a little bit better. I then managed to make some food and do some house jobs to keep busy. 

I've been working from home during the pandemic, and my colleagues would always hear my mum in the background doing stuff whilst I was on Microsoft Teams calls. I'm really going to miss that so much. She really helped me through the tough lockdowns, of which we have had three long ones here in the United Kingdom. I dread the thought of future lockdowns without her here, on my own isolating. That would be unbearable, but hopefully I'd have processed it a little bit more by then. I guess I am over-thinking! 

[SadinCalifornia]

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something to say to make you feel better but as I have learned these past 6 months there just aren't any words.

I lost my beautiful mother in December. She was the most amazing, selfless, and kind person I have ever met. She just knew what to say whenever I was down. She was my best friend and my biggest cheerleader. She was the glue of the family.  She bravely fought cancer for 6 years but eventually her body just couldn't take it anymore. I have never seen someone die and I was naïve enough to believe that it was going to be quick and peaceful as in the movies. It was not. Watching someone you love slip away and suffer is excruciating. She didn't deserve to go out the way that she did. 

Having friends who also lost parents I have been sympathetic towards their situation. However until you go through it yourself you don't realize how painful it is. For months I wanted to die just so I could be with her and not experience this pain. I have not stopped crying since she passed. Being someone who suffers from depression/anxiety on a regular basis going through this chapter did not help. As you mentioned the nights and mornings are the worst. I cry myself to sleep most nights. In the morning I hold my breathe hoping she'll be in her room but logically knowing she's not there because she's passed. The mind is a tricky thing.

Please allow yourself to grieve and take all the time you need. I don't think there is anything in the world that could ever prepare you for the loss of a parent. There is something so beautiful about moms - their hugs, encouragement, even their nagging.  I miss it all. I read something yesterday that said that you can be happy and still grieve.  Am I happy? No. But, I will tell you that I actually smile some days. I smile when I remember a funny story about her or when I'm gardening because she loved gardening. As cheesy as it sounds sometimes I go into her room and smell her perfume - Chanel Mademoiselle - it reminds me of her for a split second and makes my heart a little less broken. I try to find joy in the little things these days. I am not the person I was 6 months ago and that's ok! You have to take care of yourself these days and do things that make you happy.

Sending you a big hug from California.