Can't celebrate my son

[Beau]

Tomorrow my son will turn one month old. It will be one month since Annemarie died.

Earlier today I told him that I would take his one month old picture for his mom's baby book today, because tomorrow... who knows what we'll be doing or feeling or thinking. 

I want to do the things Annemarie wanted. You would think ours was going to be the first baby known to human kind. She wanted the baby book, the relics of the "first" everything, the studio portraits, the grand baptism... I don't know what will happen to those plans. If I don't celebrate my baby, then no one else will... but I don't want to do any of those things, because I barely want to be alive. 

Years ago, I went to school with triplet siblings whose mother died when they were born. I remember going to some of their birthday parties that weren't actually on their birthday. It was a random day their father and family had chosen so they wouldn't be partying and eating cake on the day their mother died... I also remember how everyone in town, for some reason, always thought of them as "those triplets whose mother died when they were born". I also grew up without a mother, for different reasons... mine was alive, she just wasn't there. And even as a kid I knew that what the triplets had was worse. I have one on them on social media still. About a year ago she posted a request to all her contacts to send her all video recordings of her mother, because she wanted to know what her mother's voice sounded like... my thoughts were "damn, poor Laurie. Sucks to be her". 

I look at my baby and I can't believe in any number of years he'll ask the same things, and he'll want the same things, and some clueless dumbass online like me will think "damn, poor M. Sucks to be him".

I don't want this aura of sadness to follow him through every birthday and every milestone. I don't want him to be "that boy whose mother died when he was born", except that he is and there's nothing I can do to change it. I don't want the start of his life to be this sad, I don't want him to spend his days between tears, random freak outs and my urge to pick up smoking again to cope... I want him to be the happiest child, the most loved child, and for nothing bad to come his way. But the bad came and I was taking his picture a day before because really... I don't want to celebrate anything about tomorrow. 

[Diane R. E.]

Oh Beau; I'm so very sorry. I cannot imagine being in your situation, and don't have any words of advice, but want you to know that everyone's heart goes out to you. I'm glad you are doing the things that Annemarie would have wanted and think you were wise to take his picture the day before the one month mark. I'm sorry you are on this grief journey, but I know you love your son with all your heart and he will know that too. (((Hugs))) 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, Beau said:

You would think ours was going to be the first baby known to human kind.

That's exactly as it should be!  Your son is a unique blend of you and your beloved Annemarie.  Of course you don't feel like celebrating because the day is a horrible reminder (as if you need one) of what you and he lost that day.  But I urge you for your son's sake to take those pictures and save the memorabilia (I still have a lock of baby blond hair from our daughter's "baby's first hair cut").  It will be excruciatingly painful now, but I suspect that in the years to come both you and your son will be glad you did.  IMO, you are wise to take his picture today.  If you're up to it, then fine you can take one tomorrow; if not, well, darn it--today is close enough and I think Annemarie would understand.

4 hours ago, Beau said:

I look at my baby and I can't believe in any number of years he'll ask the same things, and he'll want the same things, and some clueless dumbass online like me will think "damn, poor M. Sucks to be him".

I can't say I understand completely because I've not experienced this.  But here again I believe it will be up to you to make sure he knows that, yes, it sucks beyond belief that his mom died, but to add what she felt for him as he grew inside her, how much he was loved from the very moment he was conceived, and that he was created from a love beyond compare (that is not hyperbole; your and Annemarie's love is beyond compare, just as mine and John's is).  It will be your responsibility and honor to let him grow up knowing as much as he can about her and about the two of you together. 

This can never make up for your and his loss.  Of course not.  It can help him find a balance in his life and strengthen him against the careless, thoughtless things people say.

4 hours ago, Beau said:

About a year ago she posted a request to all her contacts to send her all video recordings of her mother, because she wanted to know what her mother's voice sounded like

This is not unique by any means.  About 6 or 7 months after my husband died, I was desperate to hear his beautiful voice.  He was a baritone in singing voice and sounded like it when speaking as well.  I'm a sucker for a rich baritone, so yeah, just hearing him speak or sing could make me swoon.

I remembered that he took many, many short videos in the 5 weeks after our granddaughter was born.  See, I couldn't be there (long story about me having surgery, babies coming on their schedule and not ours, and the worst winter weather in Seattle in 50 years).  So he didn't just make those for our daughter and granddaughter's sakes; he took them for mine so that I could be a little part of those early weeks.

I searched through his computer, found them, and let them play.  Listening to him narrate and talk to the baby and just be alive was so painful, yet cathartic too.  If you do have any recordings of Annemarie's voice, please save them for later. 

4 hours ago, Beau said:

I want him to be the happiest child, the most loved child, and for nothing bad to come his way. But the bad came and I was taking his picture a day before because really... I don't want to celebrate anything about tomorrow. 

Of course you want everything for him.  I know he is and will be loved by you, bringing his mom's love along with you.  As you make your way through your grief and as you guide your son, you will help him be as happy as possible.  That's all any parent can do.

You don't need to "celebrate" tomorrow.  It's much too soon for you to worry about that.  Yet you can be thankful for the wondrous gifts Annemarie gave you of your son and the love you and she share.  Please do not put any expectations on yourself of how you should think, feel, or act.  Just get through the day by breathing and by loving your son.

((HUGS))

[Gail 8588]

Beau, 

This is absolutely heartbreaking.  Fortunately right now little M does not comprehend the loss.  He just knows he is safe and loved and cared for when you are near. That is the incredible gift you give him every day.  

I hope you can feel Annemarie's presence, as I am sure she is doing all she can to be with you both. 

Taking the picture a day early is a great accommodation.  Do what you can to be kind to yourself.  

Gail

 

[Maria_PI]

Beau, I am so sorry for what you are going through! This is so tragic yet one must find a way to make it work, for little M’s sake. He is here and hopefully thriving to carry on what Annemarie gave him, and she gave him all, literally! I can’t even pretend to relate to what you must be feeling but you seem like a loving and caring person, and I can only imagine the heavy load of responsibility you have been dealt. I don’t have any words of advice so I can only send lots of hugs and wishes for strength to be able to pull through. Take good care of yourself so that you can take good care of your son. I only wish the grandmother was more caring and helpful. Know that we are here for you, hopefully you can find people around you ready to help, and don’t hesitate to ask, sometimes people who haven’t been in your situation simply don’t know what you need unless you ask.
Lots of Love your way! [emoji3590]


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[KayC]

One day off is close enough, and I understand your feelings.  (((hugs)))