Members Popular Post Brazil Man Posted May 28, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 28, 2021 Its 3 years today since my beloved wife is gone. For me it seems like it was yesterday. The suffering is just the same. I cannot accept that she is gone and does not belong to this world anymore. Thanks in advance if someone can reply with some comfort words 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Sparky1 Posted May 28, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 28, 2021 For me it's only been 7 months now, and it definitely is not any easier. The emptiness and loneliness linger on, that will never go away. The only comfort we can find in common is that we are here for each other, knowing what we are going through. 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post ScotJ65 Posted May 28, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 28, 2021 Hi Brazil Man, My beautiful woman died 6 months ago and it almost broke me. Although she's no longer here, I still talk to her every day. I can sense her presence & I know she's listening to me. She's telling me to stay strong. I honestly believe she's waiting for me in the life to come. That's what gives me comfort. I think one day you'll see your wife again, and I hope that brings some comfort to you. God bless. 4 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted May 28, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 28, 2021 Brazil Man, I can empathize with your pain. For me, around 3 years was my most depressed time. I had felt so bad for so long I was afraid it was never going to end. I felt I couldn't continue living in such misery. Amazingly, in my 4th year of grief, I did actually get better. I hope this will be a turning point for you as well. With covid in full swing here in the US, I didn't have much opportunity to go out and be engaged in life at that time. So I tried to change my life at home, alone. I tried to learn something new (piano lessons from a book and cd). I planted a small garden. I really looked for good things to express my gratitude for, out loud. I kept focusing on just today. I was retired, so I didn't have work to do. I worked on my yard, as it was overgrown with weeds and vines. I tried to bring some order to my life, made my bed each morning etc. I don't know what part of any of this was just busy work and what part helped me to heal, or if it was finally just the time when my grief matured and none of it mattered. I hope you will find that you are transitioning to a better way of being this year too. Gail 5 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post myloss123 Posted May 28, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 28, 2021 To all three of you, I completely understand that feeling of gone but not gone. My girlfriend (I should say my wife, but not on paper, we were together 10 years and lived as married, but neither one of us wanted the whole party and all that) died 19 months now. We were pretty young, 35/36. Watching her go through chemo and radiations for 2 years before dying was hell. Helpless, nothing I could do but be there with her. I'm sorry we're all on this website, but i have to say, I don't know where all you are from, but over here, men are not supposed to talk about these feelings. Hide, pretend you're ok or moved on, and that's it. That's not the reality though, as we all know. I'm glad there's a place to be open. Brazil man, I don't know how you did 3 years. I'm finally functioning day to day, but that's it. day to day. Nothing to look forward to. Just thinking at some point, in whatever manner, we could maybe meet them again. I also talk to her, sometimes leave her little notes like I used to before going to work, knowing she won't respond back, but I'd like to think maybe her presence is somewhereand can connect. I know it sounds crazy, but it helps me and that's all that matters. anyway, long message, but if anyone needs, message me or keep using the site. It's done me a bit of good. 6 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Sparky1 Posted May 28, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 28, 2021 34 minutes ago, myloss123 said: men are not supposed to talk about these feelings. Hide, pretend you're ok or moved on, and that's it. That's not the reality though, as we all know. I'm glad there's a place to be open. I consider myself a "manly" man, but when it comes to my wife, I don't give a f*** about what others say I'm supposed to do. I know how much it hurts to have lost her, and the emptiness in my life, I only know how it feels. I am not ashamed to show my emotions in writing, in public or wherever. The emotions are genuine, how can anyone suppress them? I say if you feel like showing your emotions, then don't be afraid of what others say. They don't like it, tell them it's too bad. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post myloss123 Posted May 29, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 29, 2021 I agree. If you can't relate or be human and listen f off! it sounds angry but that's the truth. I think of myself also as a manly man. Opened doors for her, fixed her car when things went wrong, made her breakfast in bed, painted her toenails before her sister's wedding, Took out the f*****r that made fun of her when we were out and he decided it was a good idea to laugh when her cancer wig was off a bit. She decided to laugh and asked me if it was cool to kick him while on the ground. Had to give her that. What others think doesn't matter. It's rough and you laugh and remember good and bad. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post SharedLife Posted May 29, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 29, 2021 Brazil Man, try to look for the good. My wife of 52 years passed away 11 months ago. I'm still, at times, overwhelmed with grief and a sense of loss. But I try to focus on the meaningful times we had together. I also am grateful to her for having been my confidant and relationship teacher. She was a wonderful, non-judgemental, understanding, and wise person. I was more introverted, not social, more opinionated. I thought of our relationship as yin-yang. Throughout our marriage, she lovingly sought to smooth off my rough edges--and did so. I'm still deep in grief and loss, but in my darkest moments I remind myself of how much less my life would have been without her. 6 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Dawn Wms Posted May 29, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 29, 2021 Brazil Man, I turned to this site tonight also with desperation. It has been just a bit over a year for me since my husband suddenly died, and I struggle everyday to accept it as real. It makes no sense, it came out of nowhere and I just don't get it. It hits me like a punch in the gut everyday when I have to acknowledge again that he is really gone. How can we be given this concept of death which is so beyond our ability to grasp? To make matters worse, people think we should be back to normal after a year. I'm sure I will be feeling just as you are in two more years. At this point, I can't imagine ever being OK again. And I'm so angry that I'm not sure I want to be. The only comfort I can offer is that which I take from you. We are not alone. Others know our pain. Others understand. But, unfortunately, in my immediate circle no one has any idea how bad it is for me. They like to make small talk, thinking I can be distracted. They encourage me to do things I'm not ready to do. They use words like "closure," which I have come to hate. I know they mean well and I don't blame them, but they just have no idea. It is a very lonely walk, this grief. I am so sorry for your loss. Just know that we are out here, those of us who do understand. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post june483 Posted May 29, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 29, 2021 8 hours ago, myloss123 said: men are not supposed to talk about these feelings. I also do not talk about these things either and I am a woman. I think it probably prolongs our grief. It's been 15 months for me. When people try to engage me I have to change the subject as I simply cannot discuss my loss or I will break down. That would be rather messy and it would make me feel very uncomfortable and when I am alone and I have those moments it hurts terribly so I avoid them at all cost. I have made progress however as I notice lately my thoughts are less manic and my brain is quieter than it was but my grief remains raw. Perhaps some day we should visit a therapist and cry all over them, but I'm not sure it would help. Honestly we all know what would help us and we wont get it till we pass ourselves and get to meet up again. 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Mars40 Posted May 29, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 29, 2021 On 5/28/2021 at 9:33 PM, Brazil Man said: Its 3 years today since my beloved wife is gone. For me it seems like it was yesterday. The suffering is just the same. I cannot accept that she is gone and does not belong to this world anymore. Thanks in advance if someone can reply with some comfort words Im at the 3 year mark and still devastating. I’m sure your wife would want you to live each day with some peace knowing that your loved. I remind myself everyday that I was very very fortunate of had my husband for 27 years. 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 29, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted May 29, 2021 9 hours ago, myloss123 said: She decided to laugh and asked me if it was cool to kick him while on the ground. Had to give her that. I love her already! 6 hours ago, Dawn Wms said: They use words like "closure," which I have come to hate. 27 minutes ago, Mars40 said: I’m sure your wife would want you to live each day with some peace knowing that your loved. And this, the perfect response... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Perro J Posted May 30, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 30, 2021 Brazil Man, I empathize with you completely. In less than 50 days I will arrive at the first anniversary of her passing. I am planning a return to South America for la lapida. Because you are further ahead on the road than I am I don't feel qualified to try to offer any advice - but I do wish to share what I am currently trying in order to find some relief. There is an item in Kay's list she offers to newcomers which mention possibly setting aside some time for grief. I did read that and I assumed that because grief seemed to be able to find me that I was in fact grieving. There are plenty of examples that I think we all know - suddenly crying when we hear a song, seeing a reminder while out shopping, or just thinking of our lost loves and the tears begin to flow. Furthermore, early on in our grief, I think the pain is unavoidable. Recently, while perusing the pop psychology offerings of YouTube, I came across a couple of videos that made a similar point. In essence, the idea was that you must feel your trauma completely. It is an idea that I don't think I could have been ready to try any sooner than now, but I am trying it. What I am doing is setting aside time to feel her loss. The truth is - it sucks. I breakdown and I cry like I did in the beginning. It also feels counterintuitive. As if I am wallowing in the sadness rather than trying to move forward. Yet, after doing that for a couple of days, which weren't any fun at all, I did have a day where I felt my spirits lifted and was even able to smile and genuinely laugh at a few things. In several ways over the last few months I have tried to do activities that I know used to bring me pleasure and amusement and found none of that in them as I was doing them. I think I am now realizing that maybe I was not doing them to find pleasure but rather to avoid pain. A pain that is insistent that I not ignore it. This is still an early experiment for me and I cannot guarantee it works but I think that by taking the time to feel the hurt over a couple days did in fact allow me a brief reprieve even if only for a day. I would like to think that the pain is like a tapped barrel that if I only keep opening the spigot then one day the barrel will be empty. Then again, I don't want to arrive at a day where I don't hurt at all. Something tells me that barrel has a way of refilling itself. I don't know. Maybe the barrel analogy is stupid. I do wish you peace and solace. If I find what I am doing works, I'll be sure to report back to you. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Perro J Posted May 30, 2021 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2021 20 hours ago, myloss123 said: She decided to laugh and asked me if it was cool to kick him while on the ground. Had to give her that. After giving this some careful consideration...I have no problem with it. Nor did I see a thing. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jemiga70 Posted May 31, 2021 Members Report Share Posted May 31, 2021 Brazil Man, you've been suffering with your loss for much longer than I have (my wife/Angel of 15 yrs died suddenly 4 weeks ago.) but just know that I have some idea of what you're going thru and I feel your pain. When you say that you can't accept that she is gone and doesn't belong to this world anymore, I empathize. I've been going thru that for the past 4 wks. And it's hell. May you find a little bit of peace today, brother. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 31, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted May 31, 2021 3 hours ago, Jemiga70 said: Brazil Man, you've been suffering with your loss for much longer than I have (my wife/Angel of 15 yrs died suddenly 4 weeks ago.) but just know that I have some idea of what you're going thru and I feel your pain. When you say that you can't accept that she is gone and doesn't belong to this world anymore, I empathize. I've been going thru that for the past 4 wks. And it's hell. May you find a little bit of peace today, brother. I am sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing I've ever been through...I didn't see how I could live one week without him but Father's Day/June 19 will be 16 years. One day at a time. I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members annie123 Posted June 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 4, 2021 On 5/28/2021 at 10:09 AM, ScotJ65 said: Hi Brazil Man, My beautiful woman died 6 months ago and it almost broke me. Although she's no longer here, I still talk to her every day. I can sense her presence & I know she's listening to me. She's telling me to stay strong. I honestly believe she's waiting for me in the life to come. That's what gives me comfort. I think one day you'll see your wife again, and I hope that brings some comfort to you. God bless. I talk to my husband every day too!! 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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