I feel like he abandoned me.

[Selzy]

My husband has been gone for 3 weeks now and I feel like I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster every since that day. He always took such good care of me, always making sure I took care of myself, and told me many times how he just didn’t know what he would do if anything ever happened to me. We had all these plans, things we wanted to do to our house, places we wanted to see. He loved to cook and for the last 3 weeks all the food and meals he had planned have just sat in the fridge and the thought of even attempting to turn on the stove seems impossible. Sometimes I feel like, how could he leave me like this!? He was always worried about me being here for him but what about me? Now I’m still here and he’s gone, he was too young to die. I’m only 35 years old, we didn’t get to grow old together, I never planned a life without him. I can’t even wrap my mind around the idea that I will never  see him again. I needed him, I needed more time, we had so much life to live. Now I’m left with the pieces of our life and the uncertainty of where I go from here. 

[luckystarhongkong]

Hi Selzy. I feel your agony. I lost my wife 2 months ago, Like your hubby, she's my soulmate and best friends. We loved each other so deeply. My wife passed unexpectedly, my life was turned upside down the moment she left. I hate this lonely life without her. But I need to carry on for my 14 yo daughter.

I sometimes have your feeling of being angry why she left me so suddely. I am so lost without her. My daughter once asked why mom didn't keep her promise that she would attend her graduation ceremony and wedding. I'm sure she really didn't want to see me all alone. She really wanted to see my daughter get married. But we just have on control over these....

My wife and I did everything together. I've never imagine I've live a live without her. But what happened has happened. I can do nothing about it. I hate every moment of this life without her. And I feel I have no hope anymore. 

Anyway, just want you to know you're not alone. Stay safe. Take care of yourself. 

[KayC]

@Selzy  I am so sorry!  It feels the hardest thing in the world.  When my George died, I was shattered, my anxiety through the roof, I didn't see how I could survive a week without him!  It'll be 16 years on Father's Day.  It's hard to believe, it feels both like yesterday and forever at the same time.  I also remember feeling abandoned.  We didn't get to grow old together either, only knew each other 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months.  We didn't meet until our mid-40s, but we were meant to be together, we were perfect for each other.  It's horrible that you're facing this so young, we have other young people here as well.  I want to welcome you, it is a safe place where you can share your feelings and know you're heard by others that get it.

I hope you'll keep this to refer to now and then because what strikes you on down the road will be different from what does right now, right now you're probably still in shock, unable to think.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[TimeOut]

Hi Selzy,

It's been three months since my husband died unexpectedly, and I feel exactly the same way. My husband always did all the cooking, and I'm literally just learning now how to feed myself. The first few weeks it really helped to make a list of everything that needed to be done, day to day. My sister-in-law helped me make the list. Everything I needed to do around the house went on the list, even little things like feeding the fish and taking out the trash. I couldn't think straight. Everything felt unreal. I am still going back and forth between manically trying to get everything sorted and organized and not being able to get out of bed. My friend keeps telling me, "this is the hardest thing you are ever going to have to do". You don't have to turn on the stove today. But make sure you eat. If nothing else, stock up on microwave dinners and cans of soup. Rest, eat, hydrate. Be kind to yourself, and take care of yourself the best you can.

[BridgetMcSki]

Believe me. I understand what you’re going through. My fiancé who I was to marry passed away 2 weeks ago. I feel lost, I feel like my whole world has been destroyed. I sympathize with you as I know that I cannot see past my hand because I am so lost. The mornings are the worst for me and I sit outside and write in a journal because I can’t keep talking to myself in my head or else I’ll lose my mind.