The pressure to get better

[Beau]

Last night someone delivered a soliloquy about the importance of talking to a therapist and "moving on". The words "are you going to wallow in self-pity..." and "this is not what she wanted for you" were used...I was called childish and silly, which was supposed to be helpful?

Normally, I would not take that kind of attack lying down but I was tired and really done caring about this person. I don't owe anyone an explanation. All I could say was "alright" and left the premises.

This morning the same person texted me part 2 of this tirade, apologizing for the "tough love" and the "bluntness". My answer: Apology heard. Not accepted. Don't mind me as I never talk to you again.

If I felt that I had to explain myself to this ex-friend or anyone, I would have said that I might see a therapist...eventually, when I feel like it. Thing is, as a kid and a teenager, I had every aspect of my personality and habits turned into a pathology, I was medicated for things that didn't need medication, people just wanted me quiet and sedated, and I was given diagnosis out of thin air going from ASD, ADHD to suicidal ideation, and none of that was true. I am not crazy by the possibility of this sadness without a name being turned into yet another collection of symptoms and cocktail.

Annemarie's mother is preparing to take me to court to get partial or total custody of our baby. I am not going to have a shrink testify against me or make an issue where there is none... except the fact that the person I loved the most on this earth and who was everything to me is dead. 

 

[nikkinaz]

Hi Beau,

First of all I am so sorry that you have lost your beautiful Annemarie. I lost my husband Andrey only 5 months ago and he was my whole world. I struggle every single day without him and some times absolutely knock me side ways.

That person who said those things has no right or inkling of what you are going through. Tough love my ass, that is just total unkindness and really you don’t need people like that in your life.

And as for “Grandma” what right has she got to go for custody. You are the Father of your child, what is wrong with people.

I am sorry I don’t have any wise words, just know that the people on this forum will be here for you. We are all experiencing the worst pain of our lives and I find the only person who will know what I am going through are those who sadly are going through the same kind of pain.

For now it is literally day by day or at times hour by hour. I am truly so very sorry for you and your son.

 

 

 

 

 

[Gail 8588]

Beau, 

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and for the possibility that your in-laws may sue for custody.  That is horrific. 

I hope that they reconsider and put that idea aside. 

I don't know if you are in the US, but I believe very few US states would grant a grandparent any custody rights over the objection of the surviving parent.  Basically the surviving parent would have to be found legally unfit, a very high standard, for a grandparent to be granted custody. 

In Florida, a fit parent doesn't even have to give any grandparents visitation. The strong legal presumption is that the parent will do what is in the best interest of the child, and the Court will not interject itself unless the parent is found to be legally unfit. 

Hopefully, your mother-in-law  will not follow through on this, as it is likely to be very stressful and expensive for everyone. 

If your mother-in-law has temporarily been caring for the baby in her home, I would bring your son home to your house as soon as possible.  

So sorry you are being burdened with this additional trauma. 

Hugs

Gail 

[Beau]

Thank you both. 

@Gail 8588 We don't live in the States. The Province where we live has granted visitation rights and shared custody to grandparents who argue that their child's divorce/separation (the non-custodial parent) has limited their access and time to their grandchildren. I would not be against Annemarie's mother visiting her baby and I don't need family court anywhere near my son, but if we're going down that path... I guess at some point I'll too have to lawyer up.

Yes, when Annemarie died I slipped big time and allowed her mother to take my baby with her, but a week later I woke up to the horrible realization that 1) she was still gone and 2) letting her have the baby in her house had been the wrong choice. I asked to have him back, then I demanded to have him back, then I called the cops to have him back. I keep looking at my baby and think how bad everything about his first weeks on this planet have been, and know this is the wrong timeline. This is not how his life was supposed to start. What am I going to say to him down the line? That his mother died and I allowed everything to fall apart around him...

I am originally from the US. I know this isn't ethical, but I keep thinking that I need to get my son his passport and run. 

[Gail 8588]

Beau, 

Did you get your son back?

If you did, I would certainly consider your options for moving back to the US.  Do you have family here that would be supportive?  Can you get work here?  Etc. 

It is ashame that your mother-in-law has made this so adversarial, but if she did not voluntarily give you back your son when you asked and then demanded,  I would be concerned.  Having to get law enforcement involved for you to get your child is pretty extreme. 

Gail

 

[Gail 8588]

Beau, 

There is nothing unethical about you making choices about how and where to raise your son. 

It would not be "running"  it would be moving to where you feel would be the best environment for you and your child.  As his parent, you have that right and responsibility. 

Gail

[Beau]

6 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Did you get your son back?

Yes, I did. The cops had to get him for me... which is so fucked up... not that she would go to those extremes, but just the whole scene. He's not even a month old. 

I don't know what to do. I cannot abandon everything Annemarie had here, and I cannot leave her grave. This is her house. Her plants and her pets are here. Her clothes and her art. The room she almost completed for her baby. This is the neighborhood she chose because there's places for him to run and explore, the schools she wanted him to attend...

I want to leave, but I also don't. Here is the life he was supposed to have. 

[Gail 8588]

I am so glad you got your son back.  The most important thing is that Annemarie wanted you to be his father.  

Perhaps her mom will calm down now.   I am sure she is struggling with grief as well. But that is no excuse for her essentially kidnapping your child (refusing to return him to you).

I am so very sorry all of this is happening to you.  

I would definitely keep a large distance from that 'tough love' ex-friend, as that is not supportive of you at all.  Might they be in league with your mother-in-law?  And I would limit as much as possible your contact with your mother-in-law. 

But I hope you do have some supportive friends to lean on for some help.   I would avoid talking to them about your despair over Annemarie's death, and try to focus on how much love you feel for your son.  If your mother-in-law takes you to court, you will need some witnesses who say what a good dad you are.  

So sorry you have to deal with all this. 

Hugs.

Gail

 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Beau said:

Last night someone delivered a soliloquy about the importance of talking to a therapist and "moving on". The words "are you going to wallow in self-pity..." and "this is not what she wanted for you" were used...I was called childish and silly, which was supposed to be helpful?

I'm glad you didn't "take this" from this person, and you're right, you owe them no explanation!  Let them ponder what they said wrong/should have done differently.  That's on them.  Idiots.  Sorry, we have all had them.

6 hours ago, Beau said:

Annemarie's mother is preparing to take me to court to get partial or total custody of our baby.

Wow.  If she is lucky she'll get visitation, please keep us posted on that so we can pray when you go to court.  Horrible that she would do that! Just what you needed, as if you're not going through enough.

 

4 hours ago, Beau said:

I am originally from the US. I know this isn't ethical, but I keep thinking that I need to get my son his passport and run. 

Can you transfer to the states with your son asap?  I hope so!!  If not you may want to involve the US embassy.

 

3 hours ago, Beau said:

I cannot leave her grave.

No but you can visit it once your child is safely in the states out of her grandmother's clutches.  

 

3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I would avoid talking to them about your despair over Annemarie's death, and try to focus on how much love you feel for your son.  If your mother-in-law takes you to court, you will need some witnesses who say what a good dad you are.  

Good advice.  I too am so sorry you are going through all this especially so soon after losing her.  What do you think your wife's priority would be for your son?

[Beau]

14 minutes ago, KayC said:

What do you think your wife's priority would be for your son?

This is difficult for me to answer. Annemarie would never believe that her mother would try to do this. Years ago her mother and I made a truce to get along because we just loved her too much and our inability to get along hurt her.

Then again... she did offer me money not to marry her. She's an interesting woman and the best thing about her was her daughter.

If Annemarie were here, she would sit us down over dinner and music. She would try to make things friendly and remind us of what family is about.

She wanted her mother to be a present gradmother. Our son has no other grandparent. She wanted her son to have a sense of home and extended family.

But now we're here, and she's not. And I don't think anything she wanted is in fact going to happen.

[Yoli]

That person needs to shove that tough love where the sun doesn't shine. How friggin rude and obnoxious. I think it is universal that people say dumb ****, thinking they have answers when they have absolutely no idea what it is like to lose the other half of yourself.

[jmmosley53]

Hello Beau,

It is incredible what baloney some people spout - thinking that their dribble is all for our own good. 

Not to mention that if you needed advise on how to run your life - they - would be the last person you went to for advise.

It is terrible that you and your beloved's Mother are having problems regarding your son.  I have no knowledge of legal things, but it would make sense to me if the 2 of you met privately and worked out all the details and not involve courts.  Both of you loved Annemarie - and this child is a last link to her.

Your child should know only love.

 

[foreverhis]

Hi Beau.  I'm going to state right up front:  I am not a lawyer or legal professional of any kind.  I do not know international law, except what our daughter had to do to get a passport for our granddaughter with an absent father who pays child support.  I have some questions and suggestions from a purely personal perspective.

But first:  It sounds like you lost your beloved Annemarie about 1 month ago, is that right?  In any case, no one should tell you that you are wallowing in self-pity and need to move on.  (To those offended by cursing and who know I don't do it in public often, I apologize in advance).  Whoever told you that is a heartless, selfish bastard or bitch.  And it is entirely possible that he or she is helping your MIL by trying to upset you to the point that you spiral out of control or down into a self-destructive depression.  That is a damn cruel thing to do.  People like this can just go to hell.  Good for you for telling them off.  I'm afraid I would have dragged out my rarely used, "**** you!" which would probably not have been terribly useful. (Edit: Hm, my spelled out f-bomb was automatically turned into ****. Probably just as well.)

Now about your son's citizenship.  I assume you are a US citizen.  AFAIK, that makes your son an automatic dual citizen, but you must contact the State Department and maybe make an appointment at the US Embassy or Consulate to register your son's birth and citizenship.  Then as the sole parent, you can get his infant passport.  You will need a copy of your wife's death certificate to do that.  Please, I urge you to find out what the process is, if you haven't done so already, and consider it a priority.  You do not need anyone's permission to take your son wherever you want.  I can understand why you'd hesitate to leave.  There are so many reasons to stay.  But perhaps a reason to not stay is that your MIL is creating a toxic environment for your son.  You obviously cannot trust her and the last thing you or your son need is for you to have to call the police again to get her to give back your child.

As far as a custody hearing, yes, you should find legal representation if it comes to that.  But, if it were me, I would document and write down everything that happened from the very beginning.  Get a copy of the police report too.  It is completely reasonable for you to have reached out to your MIL for help that first week.  Besides being overwhelmed and in shock, you had all kinds of legal paperwork to take care of, as well as funeral arrangements, etc.  You knew that a newborn needs full time care and that you needed help.  Who else would you ask but her mother?  It was clearly to be a temporary situation while you took care of what needed to be done.  And yes, document how you are feeling too.  Make clear that being upset, bereft, and in shock does not mean you are unfit in any way.  The courts do not just take away children when one parent dies because the surviving parent is in mourning.  And do be present for your son in every way possible.  But don't "put on a happy face" either.  You are grieving the loss of the love of your life.  It's okay for that to show.  What's not okay is allowing your MIL to paint you as being suicidal (you clearly are not) or neglectful (ditto).  A lawyer would probably make sure that your MIL is not allowed to present "testimony" from a psychiatrist you haven't even met!  Your lawyer could advise you about whether it would be helpful for you to have a consultation with an impartial doctor who specializes in grief therapy.  Not just any old therapist will do.  You might even mention that you have found this forum where you are talking to others who understand and that it is helping you process everything that happened and allowing you to express your feelings in a productive way.

I am beyond sorry that you have to contend with your MIL's behavior on top of everything else.  Is it possible that she wants custody as a way to "hold on" to Annemarie or have a second chance at raising a child?  Bottom line:  Document, document, and document some more.  Everything you say and do; what she's said and what she does.  All of it will matter.

And please know that we are here for you as you begin this painful, unwelcome journey.  You are not alone.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Now about your son's citizenship.  I assume you are a US citizen.  AFAIK, that makes your son an automatic dual citizen, but you must contact the State Department and maybe make an appointment at the US Embassy or Consulate to register your son's birth and citizenship.  Then as the sole parent, you can get his infant passport.  You will need a copy of your wife's death certificate to do that.  Please, I urge you to find out what the process is, if you haven't done so already, and consider it a priority.  You do not need anyone's permission to take your son wherever you want.  I can understand why you'd hesitate to leave.  There are so many reasons to stay.  But perhaps a reason to not stay is that your MIL is creating a toxic environment for your son.  You obviously cannot trust her and the last thing you or your son need is for you to have to call the police again to get her to give back your child.

1,000% agree!  Priority to me would be making sure I kept our child.  I hope you contact the embassy and apply for his passport asap.  IF you and your MIL work things out, great, but I would not trust her at this point, maybe she'll simmer down, maybe not.  Maybe she's acting out of grief but I wouldn't take chances and that doesn't excuse it.  I'm so sorry you're going through all this, you don't need it right now especially!

[Beau]

Thank you everyone for your advice.

I texted a friend who is a criminal defense attorney. He didn't even know Annemarie died. Had to tell him the whole story and answer questions that weren't related to my mother in law, but he finally gave me the number of a friend of his who works the court of justice (where they hold hearings for custody and access to minors).

My friend also mentioned that the easiest thing to do would be to move and take my son back to the US. So...I guess that's what we'll do. Maybe we'll come back when things settle down or if Annemarie's mother moves away herself. 

Then I got a call from Annemarie's older brother. He lives in Germany, but told me that he would talk to his mother and see if he could get her to think things through, assured me that if push came to shove he would back me up. He's been trying to get back into the country as soon as international travel is permitted. I heard his voice break down at the end of the call and whisper... I didn't catch what he said, but whatever it was it really got to me. Could only say thank you and ended the call to cry next to my son for hours.

 

[widower2]

Beau, I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. I won't pretend I dealt with what you are, but when my beloved died, I also had tons of salt poured into the wound by her trailer trash daughters, who in addition to being scum in general and breaking her heart, tried to have her will thrown out, took her urn of ashes from the house without telling me (on and on it goes, I won't bore you with more details). It's amazing to me how in such times the very worst in people is often exposed. 

But despite how hard it would be for reasons you've stated, it does seem to me FWIW that going to the states would be best in your situation. There is NOTHING UNETHICAL in doing what deep down you know is best for your kid and you. So glad your brother in law is in your court as well! My beloved's son was at least somewhat in mine (but between a rock and a hard place) and the main reason I think I got her will upheld. 

Do what you must for now. It doesn't mean you will never return. 

 

 

 

[Beau]

@widower2 on behalf of all trailer trash, I'm sorry. Not all of us are like that.

[TimeOut]

Hi Beau,

Your post really struck a chord with me.  My husband died unexpectedly 3 months ago, and I'm finding that even well-intentioned people will say the meanest, stupidest things. Try not to let people add to your current stress.  You need to take care of yourself as best you can right now. The best advice I've gotten lately is to treat yourself like you are sick with the flu...eat, rest, hydrate.  Be kind to yourself.

As to trying to provide the life for your son that his mother would have wanted... I say, forget that.  I spent the first six weeks after my husband died trying to consider what he would have wanted me to do for every little decision. It was exhausting, and left me constantly second-guessing myself. I gave up trying to make decisions as he would have wanted, because he is not here. I am, and I need to build my new life around things that I need and want, and will be able to get done by myself. This feels infinitely more practical to me. No guilt, do the best you can.

And last, people have been telling me not to make any major life decisions for at least a year, but everything has been feeling so dire and immediate and impossible... and unsettled. It feels impossible to not want to have a new plan for my life all worked out. I can't even imagine having to take care of a new baby on top of everything else. You need time to adjust to your new life situation. If you can swing it financially, please consider taking some time to NOT make any major life decisions for a while. Give yourself time to grieve.There really is no hurry. I know it FEELS like you need to get everything figured out now... where you are going to live, how you are going to live, who is and who is not going to be in your life going forward... but you've got time. Your baby son needs you. You need to take care of yourself and stay healthy, and calm, for him. That's all that's really important right now. 

This is the hardest thing you are ever going to have to do, but you can do it. Take one day at a time, put one foot in front of the other. Congratulate yourself every single day that you are able to get out of bed, and cut yourself some slack on the days that you just can't. Let people help you. You are not alone.

[KayC]

 

@Beau  It's not living in a trailer court that makes someone "trailer trash," I'm sure there's a better choice of words as that targets a whole lot of people generally, I have many friends living in trailer courts and would never apply that to them!  No, I think it's more a specific kind of behavior that was intended, not where someone lives.  I may end up in a trailer court myself, I have one in mind should I ever have to move, it has a river and trees and beautiful setting!

I am so relieved to hear of your decision, although to me it does seem time is of the essence unless her mom changes a whole lot and quickly!  Bless her brother's heart!

@TimeOut  Appreciate your thoughtful response to Beau, I'm sorry for your need to be here too but want to welcome you all the same.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[foreverhis]

On 5/23/2021 at 3:03 PM, Beau said:

Then again... she did offer me money not to marry her. She's an interesting woman and the best thing about her was her daughter.

...

But now we're here, and she's not. And I don't think anything she wanted is in fact going to happen

Honestly, that first statement above tells me pretty much all I need to know about Annemarie's mother.  I'm even more convinced that you must get away from her toxic presence, at least for now.  With your precious love gone, she has no reason to keep up your "truce" and is obviously trying to destroy your life even further.  She may even believe she has the "right" to take your child from you because she somehow--and wrongly--believes it is your fault.

As much as Annemarie wanted you all to be loving family, she must have known deep down inside that she was the glue that kept things together.  You're 100% right that you and your son are here and she is not.  As painful and shocking as it is to admit that, your priority now must be your son, you, and what's best for the two of you.  Please do not take your MIL's feelings into consideration because she surely does not give a fig about yours or what's best for her grandson.  I'm glad Annemarie's brother seems to be on your side, but I would have to say that you may or may not be able to count on that once he returns to Canada.  If he is easily influenced or intimidated by his mother, she may turn him against you--or at least, try--and he may back off, not wanting the stress or aggravation.  I don't know him, obviously, but so often family members do not behave in the way we expect them to, especially during times of great stress and grief.

Although TimeOut is right that it's generally best not to make big decisions right away, I firmly believe your case is an exception to that.  I believe you've made the right choice to return to the US and I hope very much that you follow through with that ASAP.  If it was me, I would not tell my MIL what I was planning because that is likely to make her even more furious, resentful, and whatever else, so that she might force the issue and get an order preventing you from leaving Canada until a custody hearing is held.  Just do whatever you need to get your son's US passport, make your arrangements, and go.

I realize that writing it down like this might make it seem like I'm being glib or something.  Believe me, I am not.  All of what's happened and is happening to you makes my heart hurt for you and your son, and your Annemarie too.  But I am not personally involved, if you will, and perhaps can see it from a more rational(?) or dispassionate perspective.  I also realize that this is kind of one of those "easy for me to say, but not so much to do" situations.  Most of us here do that sometimes.  We can advise someone else, but have a heck of a time taking that advice for our own lives.

Please keep coming here and talking, ranting, and feel free to "scream" if it helps.  TimeOut and other members have written very thoughtful, caring posts, so I hope you do take some of it to heart.  We are here; we "get it."  You are not alone.

[Gail 8588]

Beau, 

Your situation is just heart breaking to all of us.  

Everyone here is giving heart felt advice. But please know, we all understand how very difficult this is for you.  Whatever you do, follow any of our advice, reject all or any of our advice, we will be here for you.   I don't want you to feel like we are ganging up on you, or that you are hesitant to come here and vent because you did things differently than what some of us advised. 

All of your options are really hard choices.  I don't know if I would have the strength to meet these challenges if I were in your shoes. 

Please know, whatever you decide is best for you and your son, or whatever you manage the strength to do, we are in your corner. 

It is so unfair, cruel, heartbreaking that you are having to deal with your MIL trying to get custody of your son.  

I can't imagine the stress you are under. 

Try to take care of yourself through this horrible period.  We care about you.

Gail

[Becky64]

I hear you. Your frustration with a friend giving you tough love resonates with me. I believe grief is just as personal and unique as love is. There is no time limit and it’s not an illness or something that needs a cure. A great book, “it’s okay to not be okay” helped me tremendously. 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Everyone here is giving heart felt advice. But please know, we all understand how very difficult this is for you.  Whatever you do, follow any of our advice, reject all or any of our advice, we will be here for you.   I don't want you to feel like we are ganging up on you, or that you are hesitant to come here and vent because you did things differently than what some of us advised. 

All of your options are really hard choices.  I don't know if I would have the strength to meet these challenges if I were in your shoes. 

Please know, whatever you decide is best for you and your son, or whatever you manage the strength to do, we are in your corner. 

Indeed, Gail.  I heartily second your thoughts.

Beau, Though we are telling you what we think, we are also aware that we are not you.  We will absolutely be on your side, no matter what you decide to do or not do.

 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Although TimeOut is right that it's generally best not to make big decisions right away, I firmly believe your case is an exception to that.  I believe you've made the right choice to return to the US and I hope very much that you follow through with that ASAP.  If it was me, I would not tell my MIL what I was planning because that is likely to make her even more furious, resentful, and whatever else, so that she might force the issue and get an order preventing you from leaving Canada until a custody hearing is held.  Just do whatever you need to get your son's US passport, make your arrangements, and go.

I so agree!  I've been ultra concerned ever since I read this poster's dilemma.  I would not trust her.  I don't know what her reasoning, but perhaps she just wants the child and views him as the only link to her daughter.  Whatever she thinks is irrelevant at this point, the child needs his dad and belongs with his natural parent, the only time I believe a child should be removed is for abuse!

We are here for you!

I know it's hard to hear advice when you're head is swirling and you're unable to think (early grief), we just don't want to see you suffer on down the road because it's hard to digest anything right now.  My brain was in a fog for sure.  I made mistakes but this is one I would not want to make, the consequences lasting.

12 hours ago, Becky64 said:

I hear you. Your frustration with a friend giving you tough love resonates with me. I believe grief is just as personal and unique as love is. There is no time limit and it’s not an illness or something that needs a cure. A great book, “it’s okay to not be okay” helped me tremendously. 

My pastor quotes from that frequently.  And of course we never feel okay in grief.  Becky, haven't seen you here before but want to welcome you.  I also want you to have my article...I hope you'll share more with us as you desire.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Beau]

Thank you all.

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I would not trust her.  I don't know what her reasoning, but perhaps she just wants the child and views him as the only link to her daughter.

I've known Annemarie and her family since I was a kid. I know her mother is not on my side. She never considered me part of the family. So in that sense, I don't trust her. We've had many episodes through the years, but I won't malign her online or anywhere. Well... maybe in court. 

21 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I believe you've made the right choice to return to the US and I hope very much that you follow through with that ASAP.

I very much hope it is the right choice, but and I might not get it done in time avoid going to court. I have to close or transfer our business here. Annemarie and I fought so hard to stay afloat during the pandemic that we got a loan. Regardless of what I do or wher I am, that was a lot of money I ended up getting for nothing. My resources are already very limited, and if I can't get out of here safely before I get served, I'll need to add the lawyer's fees to everything else going on. 

I gave a heads up to my staff and put some things for sale, I'll meet next week with someone who might want to take over. I've asked around if anyone wants to adopt Annemarie's pets... I suppose that when that's done... re-homing the pets, I could just leave and deconstruct our lives from a distance...

The other thing is that I need to find a job and a place for us to live in the US. I have no one back there. I guess I could go back to my home state, but its literally all the same. I don't have a place to take my baby to, and I don't have a job to support him if I just pick up with his passport and leave. 

If it was just me, I could leave without any fear of what'll happen. I would figure it out. But I can't take my baby to that kind of adventure. In here he has a roof over his head, health care I can afford for him, and if I leave just with a passport on my hands, he'll have nothing.

I promise that I'm trying to look at things with a cool head and not get emotional. Maybe this is literally as easy as just leaving and I'm not seeing it because I'm drowning in a glass of water. 10 years ago I would have done it... baby or no baby. At this point I don't know what's overthinking and what isn't. 

 

 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Beau said:

Maybe this is literally as easy as just leaving and I'm not seeing it because I'm drowning in a glass of water.

IMO, none of this is easy.  Just getting through the first weeks and months is a massive challenge.  You have so much more added on top of it.  I am pretty sure none of us think your choices are simple or easy because they are not.  We can only make suggestions or give advice from a distance, while you are smack in the middle of your early grieving compounded by all the difficult decisions you must make, all the while trying to plan for your son's future.

The one thing you can count on is that we are here and we will be on your side, no matter what.

[Gail 8588]

Beau, 

I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this stress and drama.  

Normally we would all be encouraging you to just take everything slowly,  just do the minimum you have to do each day to allow your body and brain to adjust to this new terrible reality of your wife being gone. 

Instead, we are encouraging you to completely upend your life.  It has to be frightening on so many levels. 

Maybe you should check with an attorney in your country about what the likely outcome of any effort by your MIL might be.  It may be less frightening than what you (and all of us) imagine. 

Your situation is different than a death of a parent after a divorce or separation. In those situations there is already a court order defining maternal and paternal rights.  In your case, there is no involvement of the court.  A court may be much more reluctant to insert itself without some strong showing of neglect or abuse. 

I don't know where you live, and I certainly don't know the law there,  but I don't think you can assume that because some courts have given grandparents some rights in cases where the parents were divorced, that the court would do that in a situation like yours, where it was a complete family unit prior to the death. 

I think it may be worth your time to talk to an attorney there to see what the range of likely outcomes of your MIL's petition might be. 

Another thought I had is that you may want to establish a Go Fund Me site if you do chose to relocate to the US.  Your plight is very compelling.  I think you may get enough funding to relocate and have a few months cushion to get established.   

I am so sorry all this is happening.  I hope you find moments of joy holding your sweet child. 

Hugs

Gail

[widower2]

On 5/25/2021 at 12:59 AM, Beau said:

@widower2 on behalf of all trailer trash, I'm sorry. Not all of us are like that.

You don't strike me as trailer trash at all, so not sure why you're identifying as such. Please understand "trailer trash" does not equate with "lives in a trailer." It's about an attitude, not a location. 

[KayC]

We are with you whatever you do, and you have my prayers.  How long has it been since you've lived in the US?  This must feel overwhelming, try to focus on the most essential things first.  I'm sorry you don't have family to come to.  If you had a trailer, you could park it here but I don't live anywhere near the city/jobs so that might not be of help.  I just wish someone could help you out as you transition!!!

[Gail 8588]

Beau, 

If you do decide to move to the US, I hope you will post on here where you are hoping to relocate and the type of work you do.  Who knows, perhaps someone on here will have a contact in that city or in your field.  

We are all pulling for you. 

Gail

[Beau]

Thank you @KayC. I actually don't live on a trailer anymore. I grew up in trailer parks and still identify strongly as "trailer trash". Never forget where you came from and all that.

We got our house a year and a half ago. We wanted to do so many things with it. We were going to upgrade the laundry room and build a garage... and it was going to be our forever home. Annemarie wanted a red door. I had rented the paint sprayer and bought the color she had selected. I kind of wanted it to be a surprise for her when she returned home with our baby. 

She loved this house. It was our future. 

@Gail 8588 I grew up in Louisiana. While I don't want to go back there, it will probably end up happening, since its all I know of the US and at least know what to expect there. Annemarie and I ran our own business. And now... like with everything else, I have no idea what is it that I will do.

One reason Annemarie wanted us to move to this place in particular was because she wanted to raise our family in a Catholic town... which I couldn't have cared less about and I still don't deep down. Yet, because she cared, now I care too. Watch me google jobs and neighborhoods on "the most Catholic cities in the US".

Thank you all for your prayers and your care. It means a lot, truly.

 

[Gail 8588]

Beau, 

Louisiana is a wonderfully beautiful, diverse and rich state in so many ways.  In my opinion it is the most diverse state, valuing  the cultural practices and languages of the many different groups living there. 

John and I often attended the Jazz Fest, loving the food, music and family friendly atmosphere. (Not as wild as Mardi Gras.) But we really loved the natural beauty of the land and water and all its creatures.  It is a remarkable landscape.  If you end up in Louisiana it will be an amazing place to raise your son. 

Gail

 

[Beau]

@Gail 8588 Louisiana is great... until it isn't. I always tell people to go there for the food and the music, take a good photo and not stay long enough to notice the cracks beneath the facade of fun and liveliness. There is no perfect place. There is no paradise on earth... but we didn't want our son to grow up in our colorful, jazzy little state. The one time we returned for a visit... broke me a little bit. New Orleans was rough before Katrina, and it hasn't picked up since then. The abject poverty, the lack of education, the casual racism... it's like any place in North America, but long story short, we didn't want Louisiana for our son. We left with a sense of purpose and very little desire to return. 

[Gail 8588]

Beau, 

I agree Louisiana is not paradise.  It has its own special beauty and it has it's faults. 

You and Annemarie have history there, and if it was your collective decision to not raise your son there, I am sure that will influence your decision on where to go.  I imagine that all of these considerations are a jumble in your mind.  It is very hard to sort through things when you are still really in shock over this terrible turn of events.  I so very much wish you didn't have this extra drama brought on by your MIL's actions and words. 

Whatever you decide to do, stay where you are, move to Louisiana, move somewhere else, you will find a way to make it right for you and your son. 

Sending you strength to get through these terrible days. 

Gail

[KayC]

My little sister used to live in New Orleans but being Oregonian at heart, they moved back, ended up in Aloha, (near Portland) whereas I'm in the Cascade mountains, very country, rural.  I hope you'll find where it's best for you to be and supportive people wherever you land.