Unlucky daughter

[unluckydaughter]

I’m not sure I have questions but I wanted to let my feelings out. I don’t think anyone close that I know can understand my feelings, as they have not been in an unfortunate situation like me.

On Apr 23, 2021 my worst fear came true. I lost my father to covid. It was totally unexpected. On Apr 18 he got admitted to hospital as he tested positive for covid. 

My dad was a very active and healthy 63 year old who had no comorbidities. He was fine after getting admitted to hospital too - he called and texted from there. He was well aware of all happenings. He knew how many people passed away and how many got discharged from the hospital. Even the day before he passed away, he messaged me saying the new covid report came negative. He mentioned he didn’t have cough or fever. He told us to decide and get him discharged. He was a home-sick person. We were all so happy and had high confidence he would be back healthy in couple days. But the next day the unexpected happened - he had to be put on ventilator and then in few hours he was gone - not from covid but from cardiac arrest!! He lost his battle to the deadlier variant of coronavirus. He had hardly showed any symptoms but the infection had progressed rapidly and lungs were 90% infected. But the reason for his death was totally unexpected.

I still cannot believe it’s all done. Our lives turned upside down in just 5 days. 
My family is shattered. I am shattered. I’m in a different country and I could not travel to see him one last time! I could not go to hug my mother when she was crying alone! I could not support my younger brother (who is 28 years old and more like my kid) when he was facing the horrible situation all alone! I am unable to travel even now due to the ban. I had last met my family in 2019.

I feel like nobody should have a daughter or elder sister like me. I feel useless. What sin did I do to deserve this? What sin did my dad do to die in isolation in ICU? My mom and brother too couldn’t be near him throughout his hospital stay. He was one of the kindest and ever helping person. My brother did his duties as a son. But what was I able to do? Nothing at all. I’m a strong believer in God. God gave us a chance to pray. I had strong faith but my father didn’t live.

When I talk to my husband or other relatives, I only get “you need to move on”, “your dad had an easy death, he didn’t have to suffer”, “you couldn’t travel because of the situation, it’s okay”, “you should stop thinking about past” kind of answers. I understand their concern, but I’m not convinced. I’m unable to comprehend the loss. I weep when I see people recovered from covid even with more severe infection. We could have also gotten one chance....

I get angry when my husband says stop thinking about it, it’s all in our thoughts.. I feel like yelling at him. He doesn’t get the pain I’m going through.. the pain of losing a parent or the guilt or pain of being unable to see them one last time! It hasn’t even been a month and I need to keep smiling just to please others??
My brother’s words “Don’t keep anymore hopes on papa” keeps ringing in my ears every now and then.

We have been a close knit family and I cannot digest the fact that my dad won’t come running for my video call, he won’t see our new home, he won’t see my daughter grow, he cannot teach music to her which he wished to, he cannot guide my brother and me, he cannot be by mom’s side. Most of my relatives called mom and brother to console them, but conveniently ignored me. They probably think I’m enjoying here being in a different country. I feel like there’s nobody to care for us. Nobody to look up to. Nobody who can treat me like a kid.

My dad was a great sculptor. It was his side profession. In January he had shipped huge wall murals made by him for our new home. But we weren’t ready to hang it up yet as we were not comfortable calling a handyman home before we got covid vaccinations. I finally planned to have it installed the week of April 18, but my dad got admitted to the hospital. He was ultimately not able to see them hung at all. He had taken a lot of trouble to make them and ship them all the way from there and I didn’t even care to hang them up soon after receiving it.

I feel miserable and I’m dying with guilt everyday for various reasons mentioned above. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy anymore.

[Devestateddaughter]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 5/13 from covid complications. It has been like a very bad dream. He was in the hospital for 2 and a half weeks.  He had been communicating with us all via text but then had to be put on the vent. When that happened I tried to still be hopeful but was so scared and afraid for my dad. I was having and still have panic attacks thinking about it. He was on the vent five days and his lungs were looking better but his platelet counts dropped blood pressure crashed and his heart stopped.  It's feels surreal because we got two days of progress and then he just died. I can't even say it out loud. He was a healthy 68 year old man who had so much more life to live. It's very painful trying to come to terms with this.

No one should be pushing you through your very complicated feelings and emotions.  Just sit with them and feel them. It's sad what happened and not being able to be with your dad in the end makes things much more traumatic.

Again I'm sorry for your loss and am here if you need support. 

[unluckydaughter]

Dear Devestateddaughter, thanks so much for your response. I’m thankful someone read and understood my feelings. I’m so sorry you lost your dad too. Covid has left many families devastated. Young, old, healthy.

I totally relate the panic attacks you mentioned.. it was same with me, my hands were shivering when I tried to dial my mom or brother’s number, and it still does, subconsciously. I’m even scared to have high hopes or confidence on anything in life after this tragedy. I guess the acceptance takes time, but I’m unable to right now.
 

Hope you feel better soon and thanks again for responding.