Lost both my parents to cancer (almost 3 years apart)

[Crystal520]

I've been contemplating on ending my life... I wasn't born into a wealth family and we have been struggling financially for a very long time since I was born. I am the youngest of 3 children and my 2 older brothers are not helping the situation either.. I (27F) and my brothers (33M & 39M) are estranged because of the age gap. My 2nd brother is currently incarcerated because of online scams and my eldest brother has schizophrenia and other mental problems that makes him super paranoid. They both don't seem to care about the death of our parents. I feel like I am grieving alone and no one could understand the pain and suffering that I have to endure living every day. 

I lost my dad back in 2018 due to bile duct cancer, he survived 6 years from his initial diagnosis. When he died, my dad was 61years old. I was working when he passed away at home while my mother was taking care of him. I got really worried about my mom because I know how much she loves him and she doesn't have much friends. Everything was going alright till Dec 2020. I work in the healthcare industry and I am a frontline worker clocking 12h shifts (day/night). It has been really tough on me physically and mentally especially since COVID started. My mom is not someone who goes for yearly medical checkups and she hated to see a doctor after witnessing what my dad had gone through (surgeries, chemo, etc). My mom has been vomiting gastric acid and she has been complaining on/off abdominal pain. She didn't want to see the doctor until Jan 2nd 2021, she decided to go to the ED because she was in excruciating pain. I was working night shift and my husband rushed her to the ER. Everything started going downhill from there.... They scanned her, did some blood tests, and found out she has stage 4 liver cancer with metastasis to her lungs. I was in shock and I honestly did not know how to convey the diagnosis to her. My mom is someone who tends to overreact so i knew I needed time to talk to her. I told the Dr not to let her know... I broke the news to her a day later and was glad she took it well. There were no treatment options for her not even chemotherapy as most of her liver function is gone. The only thing that was offered (and I had no choice) was palliative care. They gave us a prognosis of a few weeks to less than 3 months.. I took care of my mom (changing diapers, feeding her, etc) for 3 weeks before sending my mom to a hospice facility. I wasn't able to give her the care that nurses when I started noticing sores on her butt..

My mom passed away on Feb 6 2021 and I single handedly planned her funeral and everything (just like I did for my dad). 

My 2nd bro was in jail and my first bro did not even attend the funeral because he wanted to severe ties with us..

I initially thought I could get over the grieve but I guess I was in denial that she is gone.. I would still imagine her coming back home, sitting where she usually sits, etc. Only recently that it really hit me that she is gone and I am officially an orphan. I don't have family now except my husband. I am not close with my distant relatives either besides I don't even know how they look like. I don't know but i feel like death is my only way out.. I hate where I am working right now and it's darn stressful for me. I can't leave either because I am bonded. idk what to do.

[CristinaGrym]

I am so sorry about your losses, think you have a husband. You can always ask for professional  help also?

 

[Nastassia]

Crystal520,

I’m so very for you loss. You sound like a very strong person, just having to arrange funeral for both parents at your young age is a huge undertaking.

I know what it feels like to lose entire family when you lose your mother. I also initially thought it would get through it when my mom died and now  almost a year I still grieve every day. I find it hard to know that I will spend many future years of my life with no family.

I don’t have an advice per say, but I just want to encourage you to carry on. You’re so young and already went through so much. Please hang in there.