the guilt consumes me

[avillageofbigheads]

We were not from a rich family. But I had rich friends in uni. So one day when my parents came to visit me, I was too embarrassed to introduce them to my friends. I hid them away. what sort of douchebag was I ? My Dad loved me and my sister more than anything in the world. He was kind, beyond words. He was generous, beyond his means. Yet, I feel like I didn't show him how proud I was of him. 

My Dad died last night and I feel nothing but pain. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for all the times I was embarrassed of him. It hurts. 

Due to COVID I could not attend the funeral. Im stuck in a foreign land. I couldn't see him one last time and tell him everything I wanted to say. He was buried today. 

The thought of him lying beneath ground is overwhelming. Will he be cold ? Will he be alone? Oh, I want to hug him once more. But I can't and it is eating me alive. What do I do? How do I tell him im so sorry? 
 

[AliceOliver2017]

i think he knows. parenthood there is a level of expected embarrassment from children. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of similar things I did, but I feel like she knew I loved her and adored her despite, me being so embarrassed as a kid that she had me at age 46! I was teased constantly and i'm so ashamed I went to her for comfort about it. I was embarrassed of their cars and didn't want them to drop me off places. A real brat I was. I talk to her often. I struggle with her no longer being here, that love is once in a lifetime.

[avillageofbigheads]

Thank you for that Alice. Its funny how we get wiser to the situation after they are gone. I'm trying to talk to my Dad too. I want to tell him all these things .. when you talk to your Mom, do you feel like she listen listens ? can you hear her voice ? I want my Dad to talk to me. I want to hear his voice again. 

[AliceOliver2017]

I'm not sure i hear her but, she feels close to me. I update her about my son and talk about how strong i'm trying to be. I laugh and cry like she's there. sometimes i talk to her old jewelry box which smells like her, or lilac plants i planted for her. talking to her at her grave helped. I'm not close enough to go there often but I made it once so far. 

[CristinaGrym]

So sorry, it was you mum?

[CristinaGrym]

20 hours ago, avillageofbigheads said:

We were not from a rich family. But I had rich friends in uni. So one day when my parents came to visit me, I was too embarrassed to introduce them to my friends. I hid them away. what sort of douchebag was I ? My Dad loved me and my sister more than anything in the world. He was kind, beyond words. He was generous, beyond his means. Yet, I feel like I didn't show him how proud I was of him. 

My Dad died last night and I feel nothing but pain. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for all the times I was embarrassed of him. It hurts. 

Due to COVID I could not attend the funeral. Im stuck in a foreign land. I couldn't see him one last time and tell him everything I wanted to say. He was buried today. 

The thought of him lying beneath ground is overwhelming. Will he be cold ? Will he be alone? Oh, I want to hug him once more. But I can't and it is eating me alive. What do I do? How do I tell him im so sorry? 
 

I am so sorry I lost my dad on March due to fucking cancer. Please  don't  feel guilty. But maybe to talk to him and saying you are sorry will help you to get rid of that guilt. Sending you hugs.

[avillageofbigheads]

1 hour ago, CristinaGrym said:

I am so sorry I lost my dad on March due to fucking cancer. Please  don't  feel guilty. But maybe to talk to him and saying you are sorry will help you to get rid of that guilt. Sending you hugs.

Yes. I'm trying to talk to him. I hope he listens. I wish with every fiber in my body that he listens. Thank you for the virtual hugs. Lots of hugs and kisses to you too. Sorry about your loss too. The pain almost will never go away. but I want to get to a state where I can reminisce about the good times. I wish you the same. I wish you remember all the good times you shared with him. Lots of love. M 

[Lonelykt]

I'm so sorry about your loss. I wanted to add that I talk to my mom, dad, brother and friend all the time and I feel like I get odd signs. Like my mom's favorite number will start to show up when I'm thinking of her. Or at my dads celebration of life 2 years ago a friend of the family I never talk to was talking to me and it was honestly like talking to my mom again ... like she was there when she knew I needed it. Oh and my friend and I used to listen to certain music and when I think of him I've had those songs come on the radio. I know sounds silly but I used to wish for their voices too but I still feel like I can feel them around with these signs. My hubby also says that I constantly tell random stories about everyone as tho they r still around that it's like I help keep them alive. I will add that there is no perfect parent child relationship but being a mom I know even when my kid is being a brat he loves me and I always always love him... it's easy to forgive ur kid cuz u just want to love them... so my guess is ur dad knows and loves u and forgives u. Again I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to heal with time.

Sent from my SM-A102U using Grieving.com mobile app

[CristinaGrym]

You have your own family and friends,for example like myself we are only now my mum, brother and me. There are people who are alone. The grief with people who cares about you it's  a less painful process.

[avillageofbigheads]

22 hours ago, Lonelykt said:

I'm so sorry about your loss. I wanted to add that I talk to my mom, dad, brother and friend all the time and I feel like I get odd signs. Like my mom's favorite number will start to show up when I'm thinking of her. Or at my dads celebration of life 2 years ago a friend of the family I never talk to was talking to me and it was honestly like talking to my mom again ... like she was there when she knew I needed it. Oh and my friend and I used to listen to certain music and when I think of him I've had those songs come on the radio. I know sounds silly but I used to wish for their voices too but I still feel like I can feel them around with these signs. My hubby also says that I constantly tell random stories about everyone as tho they r still around that it's like I help keep them alive. I will add that there is no perfect parent child relationship but being a mom I know even when my kid is being a brat he loves me and I always always love him... it's easy to forgive ur kid cuz u just want to love them... so my guess is ur dad knows and loves u and forgives u. Again I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to heal with time.

Sent from my SM-A102U using Grieving.com mobile app
 

Thank you . It is going to take a while to heal I suppose. The pain never really goes away. My problems all started from me being sent to a boarding school when I was 5 years old. So emotionally, I've been a mess and I've been trying to fix myself for years. Dad then had Dementia. and it slowly kept eating at him. Part of me is happy is that he is not in pain anymore, but a bigger part of me wants to hold his hand again. talk to him again. See him again. And No, I don't think what you are Silly for what you think. I wish you and your family love and lots of love. Hope you heal too. thank you for taking the time to write. 

14 hours ago, CristinaGrym said:

You have your own family and friends,for example like myself we are only now my mum, brother and me. There are people who are alone. The grief with people who cares about you it's  a less painful process.

The problem is I'm alone . Im 1000s of miles away from family alone. Due to COVID, I can't travel. that's what makes it even more painful. Grieving alone. So I understand your pain. I truly hope you find that peace. that joy and laughter again. Thank you. 

[CristinaGrym]

Oh no so sorry I can understand, I couldn't  say good bye to my dad 

[AliceOliver2017]

What was said about "signs" doesn't sound silly to me. I sense things. things that are more than coincidental. They bring comfort. 

I feel her close by. in the first few weeks especially. Covid has made this so much more traumatic. That last year was lost, and i know triggered her decline as well. So much death around me. 

[avillageofbigheads]

15 hours ago, AliceOliver2017 said:

What was said about "signs" doesn't sound silly to me. I sense things. things that are more than coincidental. They bring comfort. 

I feel her close by. in the first few weeks especially. Covid has made this so much more traumatic. That last year was lost, and i know triggered her decline as well. So much death around me. 

sorry about it all. I hope you find peace. I hope you find comfort and I hope you will remember all the good times .

22 hours ago, CristinaGrym said:

Oh no so sorry I can understand, I couldn't  say good bye to my dad 

I hope you remember all the good times you shared with him. I suppose we both need time. Time and lots of time will heal us . let's pray for the same.