3 months since lost mother

[AliceOliver2017]

feels like yesterday though. having a year where i couldn't hug her or have "eyes" on her decline was devastating. she died in january from a sudden GI tear. She was in an assisted living apt. and i was counseling her on the phone almost daily, to try to convince her to hold on until the vaccine. I miss her so much. I felt her declining mentally and there was nothing i could do. Finally she started getting an upset stomach in january and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital, and then she was no longer herself, until she died from an infection. that last week i could finally be with her, and i'm haunted by that week. I was so brave. I was always her baby, she had me at 46! she loved my son so much. this pain is still so intense. Our last conversation she told me she has to have a better attitude and cheer up, meanwhile she didn't know she had a terrible tear in her stomach. I'm glad I told her that she doesn't have to cheer up, i repeatedly told her that she has it terrible and she can always vent to me. The last word she said to me was the name of my son.

my mom lived with a difficult man, my dad passed january 2020. the only year of peace she got without him was in isolation. all last year she'd tell me how she'd rather die than be in this isolation, and how she missed us so much. It's hard to live with that. We all thought we were protecting her. She was my touchstone, and I felt myself losing her. 

This grief seeps into every part of my life. I've done everything under the sun to honor her, i'm in therapy, taking meds, every morning i tough it out for the sake of my son, until I can lay down again and sleep. I feel her with me sometimes. I just can't imagine life without her. 

Can anyone tell me it will get better? 

[reader]

Dear Alice,

I am so sorry for your devastating loss. I was so raw when I lost my dad. I didn't think I would ever get better. Like you, I tried to do everything I could to keep going day by day. 

Be kind and gentle with yourself. My one counsellor told me it takes around 18 months on average to feel better. The first year I was so tearful. 5 years later the pain is less intense but I still wish my dad was here with us. Wanted so much for him to see his grandchildren grow up more.

Please know we are with you. Thinking of you.