A dear friend sent me this

[foreverhis]

Just a quick note that a close friend sent this to me when I was having a bad day. It’s her sweet dog who visits me and she is the one who lost her daughter at birth. She knows, she understands.

[Diane R. E.]

Thank you foreverhis; boy did I ever need this today - I cannot express in words how much I needed it. I don't often come to this forum in the afternoon, but something compelled me to today. A huge shout out to your dear friend foe sending it to you and to you for sharing it. And a special thank you to all our loving partners no longer in this physical world. 

[jmmosley53]

So true

I never understood before I lost my love.  

Now I look around and wonder how I could have missed so much pain.  It was there, if only I had understood.

 

[SSC]

Thank you for this.  2 1/2 years and I am still a mess.  Things have been very rough the last couple months but this quote puts it all into perspective.  Grief is always a part of us and some days it’s more difficult than others to keep it at bay.

[KayC]

Thank you, I am saving this one, beautifully put!

[foreverhis]

On 5/13/2021 at 12:28 PM, KayC said:

Thank you, I am saving this one, beautifully put!

I thought it was perfect too, especially because what kind of set my day off badly was someone I don't know well and who I hadn't seen in a very long time saying something like, "At least you must be over it by now."  I said that no, I wasn't and to just leave it at that.  Then I walked away.

[luckystarhongkong]

On 5/13/2021 at 6:34 AM, foreverhis said:

Just a quick note that a close friend sent this to me when I was having a bad day. It’s her sweet dog who visits me and she is the one who lost her daughter at birth. She knows, she understands.

This is so true. I wish I never had to understand it.

 I used to think that won't happen to me; those who lost their partners should be OK with time. That kind of naive thinking made our lives easier. But in reality life sucks. It is so unbearable that most people choose not to see the truth. 

[foreverhis]

On 5/12/2021 at 4:50 PM, jmmosley53 said:

Now I look around and wonder how I could have missed so much pain.  It was there, if only I had understood.

 

I believe that we cannot really see it because we now know that this grief is not something that can easily be put into words.  It's so deeply a part of us, each of us unique, that it's almost like trying to explain giving birth or how it felt when we found our soulmates.  It's indescribable.

I am certain though that in my unintentional ignorance, I must have said things that were hurtful when I was much younger.  I would have meant well, of course, but didn't have a clue.  When our best friend's mother died suddenly, I was in my late 30s.  Her mom and dad had been friends of ours for a long time too.  I said to her father, "I'm so sorry.  I know I can't understand how painful this is for you.  All I can say is that we care about you and we'll miss her."  Then I sat quietly with him.  He thanked me for not using platitudes or saying I knew how he was feeling.  At that moment, I realized that what had been creeping into my mind as I got older was correct.  We cannot know what someone else feels and it is supremely hurtful to pretend that we do.

[widower2]

 

On 5/13/2021 at 4:07 PM, foreverhis said:

I thought it was perfect too, especially because what kind of set my day off badly was someone I don't know well and who I hadn't seen in a very long time saying something like, "A least you must be over it by now."  I said that no, I wasn't and to just leave it at that.  Then I walked away.

Wow. Just wow. Yknow I probably shouldn't admit this, but although I was lucky that no one said something that idiotic to me, at times I almost wish they had, and given me an excuse to rip them a new one...which I know is wrong, but sometimes I just want to lash out so bad at....something. So yeah, make my day. Sorry that you (and countless others no doubt) experienced this though. 

 

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

When our best friend's mother died suddenly, I was in my late 30s.  Her mom and dad had been friends of ours for a long time too.  I said to her father, "I'm so sorry.  I know I can't understand how painful this is for you.  All I can say is that we care about you and we'll miss her."  Then I sat quietly with him.  He thanked me for not using platitudes or saying I knew how he was feeling.  At that moment, I realized that what had been creeping into my mind as I got older was correct.  We cannot know what someone else feels and it is supremely hurtful to pretend that we do.

And again wow, but in a totally opposite way.   Impressive that you had that wisdom to respond so well. I would not have...when this has come up with others, my typical response was to say little if anything, because, like most, I didn't know what to say. 

[KayC]

Yesterday as I was walking I recalled a widow years ago that lived on our street.  She didn't mingle much with others, was alone all the time.  Now I know what it's like to be alone, year in, year out.  I wish I'd reached out to her back then, brightened her lonely existence some, but I had no clue what it was like and I was busy raising my kids.  It's much the same way with grief, we can't know what it's like until we're there.

13 hours ago, widower2 said:

my typical response was to say little if anything, because, like most, I didn't know what to say. 

I think no response says a LOT!  They have to realize they didn't say anything helpful.  Ignore or just out and out tell them, "Inappropriate response."  I've grown moxie after losing George.

[widower2]

On 5/15/2021 at 11:34 AM, KayC said:

Yesterday as I was walking I recalled a widow years ago that lived on our street.  She didn't mingle much with others, was alone all the time.  Now I know what it's like to be alone, year in, year out.  I wish I'd reached out to her back then, brightened her lonely existence some, but I had no clue what it was like and I was busy raising my kids.  It's much the same way with grief, we can't know what it's like until we're there.

Exactly...which is why I suggest people keep this in mind when someone doesn't respond well.

 

Quote

I think no response says a LOT!  They have to realize they didn't say anything helpful.  Ignore or just out and out tell them, "Inappropriate response."  I've grown moxie after losing George.

To be honest, not sure I realized any such thing. Looking back on the time or two that it happened, again I think it was because I just didn't know what to say. Also I think part of it was that it was such an intense topic, and since I obviously couldn't offer any "solution," my instinct was to back away (by saying nothing). Yes, now I can see that such an attitude is stupid and poor - how hard is "I'm so sorry to hear that" or similar - but it's only in hindsight, which is why I suggest people try, as difficult as it is, to exercise patience and understanding if someone doesn't say something, or says something stupid...

[KayC]

IDK, I guess you're a better person than me!  I have no time for such "friends."  Some of the things people say are horrid!

[foreverhis]

On 5/14/2021 at 6:56 PM, widower2 said:

 

Wow. Just wow. Yknow I probably shouldn't admit this, but although I was lucky that no one said something that idiotic to me, at times I almost wish they had, and given me an excuse to rip them a new one...which I know is wrong, but sometimes I just want to lash out so bad at....something. So yeah, make my day. Sorry that you (and countless others no doubt) experienced this though. 

 

And again wow, but in a totally opposite way.   Impressive that you had that wisdom to respond so well. I would not have...when this has come up with others, my typical response was to say little if anything, because, like most, I didn't know what to say. 

It's surprising in a way that so few people did say anything so insensitive to me.  The ones who did were not close to us, so "booting" them from my life wasn't a real loss.  I wasn't mean about it or anything, just didn't re-engage and once said that "our lives are so different now that we really have nothing in common."

As for our best friend's father, I guess I'd had enough life experience by then, including two friends having had late-term miscarriages, that I knew in my heart that I could not fathom someone else's pain.  That was the first time I ever said anything like that and the relief he felt was palpable.  He visibly relaxed for a minute that felt to me like, "Good, I don't have to pretend right now."  He and his wife were close enough friends that John, the girls, and I had been spending Christmas Eves with them and their extended family.  As well, her mom and I got along really well, kind of like our friend got along with my mother.  With no buttons to push and no parent-child history, we had easier relationships with each other's mothers than our own.  We used to joke about that.

[annie123]

You don't know until you know....just how painful losing your loved one is.    I wish that none of us had to know this deep hurt!!!!