Loss of alcoholic stepfather and overwhelmed by guilt

[Midwestgirl]

My stepfather passed unexpectedly almost three months ago. He was only 60 years old. I was 9 years old when he became a huge part of my life almost 20 years ago. 

I will never forget how good he was to my siblings and I. We desperately needed structure during a time when my biological parents had just went through a nasty divorce and he helped us pick up the pieces. When I became a teenager, he began drinking heavily and became very withdrawn from our family and no longer wanted to spend time with us. He stopped saying I love you and made me feel like I had done something wrong. This caused me to become very resentful but his drinking never slowed down. He continued to spiral after losing his parents, his job, multiple DUI cases, a jail stint and it only continued to get worse. He stopped taking care of himself. He wouldnt shower, he would hardly eat. I am haunted by the memories leading up to his last days. We tried so many times to help him but he was in denial. He came to me in my dream the night he passed away and several times since then trying to make contact with me. I am so overwhelmed with guilt that we never got the chance to apologize to eachother knowing he passed away thinking I must have hated him and me feeling like thats how he felt about me

[SconnieGal]

Hey there,

I wanted to reach out and say you aren’t alone in these feelings. 

I just lost my father suddenly who was verbally abusive. I ended up putting up boundaries and began distancing myself this last year. We hadn’t spoken much before he died. The guilt feels real. It swallows me whole and makes me wonder what else could I have done. 

You are not alone. Your feelings are valid. Complicated relationships lead to complicated feelings. 

Sending so much love your way,

Fellow Midwest gal