I should have known what was wrong

[Healing2021]

Sometimes the guilt goes away and other times it feels like I should have known what was happening. My dad was sick and told me he felt so sick. I keep imagining him saying that. I wish I had done things differently. I wish I had taken him to the hospital. 
I keep telling myself who knows what would’ve happened. It’s covid so they wouldn’t of let me go with him. What if he was just going to die in the hospital? I try to tell myself that atleast he was at home in his own bed. But I get so angry I didn’t just say let’s go to the hospital. 
 

then I think further and it’s like of course if I knew it was serious I would’ve gone. I wasn’t sure and I was watching him constantly. I had contacted his doctor who had just seen him two days before. I didn’t do anything wrong. If I thought or even had an inkling it was a heart issue I would’ve gone so why am I beating myself up? I had horrible anxiety that day and night and couldn’t sleep but I told myself maybe it was Covid, in which case watch him. Maybe it was just a stomach virus and he will get better. He had nausea all the time at night and heartburn he said. 
 

I don’t know what else to say other than it feels like I should have known. It feels like I failed in caring for him. I didn’t. There’s no way I would’ve known and I did the best I could. But did I? Maybe if I keep telling myself that then I’ll believe it. 

[TLN]

19 hours ago, Healing2021 said:

If I thought or even had an inkling it was a heart issue I would’ve gone so why am I beating myself up?

Dear @Healing2021, We who grieve have a way about us of holding ourselves guilty for that of which we are not. I have learned the last 3 years (this May 2nd) since my Father died to counter condemning thoughts in my mind. Just keep telling yourself the truth: There is nothing I could have done differently to change what happened to him.

19 hours ago, Healing2021 said:

There’s no way I would’ve known...

Oh dear, you are not God--only He knows all things. You are not responsible for what you did not know at the time. When we are not guilty, why should we be condemned? I tell myself, My Father knows I did all I could. If he could tell you, I am sure your father would say the same to you. Be well, @TLN.