18 days...

[Mikki]

It's been 18 days since my best friend, husband of 42 years took his last breath while in my arms.  I don't remember any time before him.  I can't believe that my heart still beats without him.. He was my life..my past, and my future.  What do I do now?

[Jenn Albrecht]

Mikki-

I understand exactly what you are saying and exactly what you are feeling. Every morning I wonder, "How am I going to do this? How do I get through the day without him?" I lost my husband of 30 years on 04.11.2020 and I have completely fallen apart. I have lost my best friend, my soulmate, my lover, my heart, and my identity. I don't know how to breathe. It seems the only thing I am able to do anymore is cry. I am in physical pain everyday without him. How am I a widow at 48 years old? It seems so young to be a widow. But, in reality, being a widow at any age is horrible. Absolutely horrible. I don't know what to do. What do you do now? Believe me, I wish I knew. I am so very sorry for your loss, Mikki. I am available ANY time that you need to talk, cry, vent, or scream. I can honestly say I understand how and what you are feeling. I am here for you.

[widower2]

2 hours ago, Mikki said:

It's been 18 days since my best friend, husband of 42 years took his last breath while in my arms.  I don't remember any time before him.  I can't believe that my heart still beats without him.. He was my life..my past, and my future.  What do I do now?

This may sound like (and maybe is) a stupid cliché, but you take it a day at a time. 

I don't know if this helps any, but I created a web site after my loss which may have some things that might resonate and help: https://bill5454.wixsite.com/griefhelp/grieving

This is a great group of people here. I hope you can find some comfort here as well.

 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Mikki said:

It's been 18 days since my best friend, husband of 42 years took his last breath while in my arms.  I don't remember any time before him.  I can't believe that my heart still beats without him.. He was my life..my past, and my future.  What do I do now?

I am so sorry...I think we all wondered the same thing when we were thrust into this situation, none of us had a clue.  It really does help to take one day at a time.  I have to do it still, nearly 16 years later!  To think about the whole "rest of my life" is way too much and brings on anxiety big time.

I'm glad you found your way here and hope you'll feel free to pour out your thoughts and feelings, read others' posts, it helps us to know we're not alone and not crazy.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[jmmosley53]

On 4/25/2021 at 11:23 PM, Mikki said:

He was my life..my past, and my future.  What do I do now?

Hi Mikki,

I have had that same thought for the past year.  Early on I couldn't even think , I was just numb.  As months passed I began thinking - who is this new me?  I am retired so I had hours to come up with a plan every day, for what I would do that day.  

Again as months passed doing just 1 day of planning at a time I began moving forward without realizing I was starting to define myself.

My progress is slow but I do take baby steps everyday.

That's what you do now. . 

One days.  The plan for a day can be simple, like sit on the couch and watch TV all day.; or as complex as doctor appointments and grocery shopping.  Some days going with relatives or friends to some function.

Occasionally I go wild and rearrange some the furniture.  Each day is a step forward.  Be gentle with yourself and don't get upset if somedays you step backwards.  It is not a race.

 

[SDC]

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself where all of us here have been/are. Grieving your beloved and favorite person is brutal. As trite as it sounds, for now you live hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute. You are in survival mode now. I remember the disorienting and overwhelming early weeks after my loss (I just passed the one year mark) and don't wish it on anyone. My advice is practical: be careful driving (grief is distracting), drink water (weeping is dehydrating), eat something healthy even when you don't wan to. Your body is as traumatized as your psyche. Feel how you feel and act how you want to act. Don't let anyone tell you to behave differently or guide your behavior. Say no to people if they aren't helpful to you. You both want comfort from other people who love you while not wanting demands from them---and that is OK. Be kind to yourself. 

[Diane R. E.]

Hello Mikki; I am so very sorry for your loss - it just isn't fair. The others have given you excellent advice so keep reading those posts and let us know how you are doing. I so remember those early weeks when I could barely do anything but cry. So let the tears flow until they subside and then do something healthy for yourself as the others have mentioned. (((HUGS)))