My long distance boyfriend died unexpectedly

[Einas5026]

My boyfriend _if i can call him that_ just passed away 2 weeks ago, last time i saw him was exactly 1 year and 3 months, last time i talked to him was 2 weeks before his unfortunate unfair demise. We were supposed to have a phone call in the weekend, i got so busy and i didn't worry about it for 2 weekends, and now i will never get to do that, it was my last chance to connect with him, and i will never forgive myself for forfeiting this opportunity, he rarely asked for phone calls. 

I don't know how to categorize our relationship, we had a very close intimate relationship for a year, and then he left to do his masters, we continued being intimate and lovers for 2 years and half, only met him a few times, we would pick up and continue from where we stopped. I always thought of him as the love of my life, i always knew that given the chance and right circumstances we will be together, always dreamed of ending up together. We might have had other encounters but i know i will always choose him. I know he is the one. 

He is very ambitious, very healthy, an athlete, a very smart scientist, and way ahead of his time. He is a true loss to this world. 

I feel trapped in the moment i heard that awful news. It was so sudden, unexpected, and it made no sense. Of course it took me time to believe it. Now i believe it, i know it's a fact, i just don't feel it, it sure doesn't feel like he is no longer in our world. Maybe because i am still binge reading our conversations?... I remember him alot, everything reminds me of him, he pops into my mind every 10 minutes but I don't feel sad, just annoyed by the fact that he is dead, but not sad because i dont feel it. I can't talk about him in the past tense. 

I feel so lost, i lost my trust in the world, i dont know what can bring me solace, probably nothing, but please say anything, tell me how i should deal with this, how to not feel physical stabbing pain in my chest, and better yet how to bring him back... Please help 

[KayC]

Oh Hon, my heart breaks for you as you try to assimilate this horrible loss into your life!  A relationship doesn't need defining, you put it well when you said he was your person...the same as the rest of us here.  It is hard to understand something as senseless as this, someone who is a credit to this world...then just gone.  There are no words.

It's been nearly 16 years for me since my sweet husband was suddenly/unexpectedly taken from me...we thought we had years left, we'd only met in our mid-40s and he was barely 51 when he died.  We were supposed to grow old together, now I'm doing that alone.

I didn't see how I could live one week without him!  It's not like I don't know how to live alone, but it's different after meeting your person, nothing is the same as it was before, and now it's like the living color went out of my life and it's black, white, and grey now.  But I'm surviving.  It's the hardest thing I've ever been through.  I didn't have a clue where to start, but the two biggest things I learned to do that were helpful to me was 1) Take one day at a time, 2) Look for good in every day.  Live in this present moment, not comparing to what was, comparison devalue anything that is from meaning, embrace anything good and fully appreciate it.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.