Members rencors1 Posted April 22, 2021 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2021 My husband passed away in December from a tragic accident at work. I had to make the decision to take him off life support after being in the hospital for almost 2 1/2 weeks. It was discovered that he had suffered a major stroke and it was inevitable. Luckily, we had had conversations about this very situation and both made the decision that of either of us was in this circumstance that we would not want to continue to live. I’ve had great support from family and friends. My adult daughter moved back in and that’s been great. I’ve been planning a celebration of life in June. The last couple weeks I have been having so much anxiety and can’t figure out why I am regressing. I feel like I’m moving backwards and it’s overwhelming at times. I know grief isn’t linear but I’m so scared it’s going to be overwhelming and I won’t be able to handle it. I think more than anything, I just want to know this is normal and I will get through it. I’ve never felt so weak or out of control in my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DMB Posted April 22, 2021 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2021 I am so sorry. Welcome, I think your feelings are normal 'cause I too feel the same way. Some days fine, some days feel like I'm regressing, some days angry, most days are lonely, the list goes on and on. I did recently start an anti-depressant med and it has helped, but as his 1st yr of death is approaching I just want to get past it. It's a month from now and already anxiety is rising. My daughter asked what are we going to do? At first I wanted to say nothing, but I realize my kids are grieving as well and that we should spend that time together. She is also going to move in with her boyfriend in Aug. and has been bringing stuff home as she needs the storage and she may be spending a month or two with me (Jun/Jul). I am glad for that you have your daughter there too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rencors1 Posted April 22, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2021 Thank you for the kind words DMB. I also get that feeling of “I want to get it over with”. I want these horrible milestones to pass so I can begin to heal. I realize everyone heals at their own pace but I think I need the affirmation that what’s happening is the normal process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 22, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted April 22, 2021 Anxiety seems to come with grief. I had GAD to start with and grief sure didn't help any! After about three years I researched anxiety meds and found what I wanted, a safe low dose Rx that takes the edge off so I can cope, without leaving me numb and robotic or without feelings and it doesn't alter the brain like an SSRI does. Buspirone (Buspar), lowest dose. I will likely stay on it for life but I have ceased having the full blown anxiety attacks after getting on it. A couple of years ago I finally gave in and got a sleep aid (Trazodone 50 mg) as going without sleep is hard to function on. I tried everything, reciting scripture, prayer/meditation, having a schedule, no PC a couple of hours before bedtime, no eating three hours beforehand, Melatonin didn't help me, so am glad to have found something that works for me. Anxiety and Grief After Losing a Loved One Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Diane R. E. Posted April 22, 2021 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2021 Hello rencors1; I am so very sorry for your loss. Yes, what you are experiencing is perfectly normal when grieving the loss of your beloved partner in life. I too have been going through it. I also just had his memorial, even though he passed away last October. The memorial was perfect, and I had the support of many of my family as well Doug's two sisters. Every ones grief journey is unique, but what I experienced is that once the memorial was done, Doug's passing now feels so real. Of course my brain always knew that, but now the permanency of his death is hitting me and once again I feel the raw pain of grief. I too had Doug's memorial as a celebration of his life, and it was an awesome experience! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rencors1 Posted April 22, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2021 1 hour ago, KayC said: Anxiety seems to come with grief. I had GAD to start with and grief sure didn't help any! After about three years I researched anxiety meds and found what I wanted, a safe low dose Rx that takes the edge off so I can cope, without leaving me numb and robotic or without feelings and it doesn't alter the brain like an SSRI does. Buspirone (Buspar), lowest dose. I will likely stay on it for life but I have ceased having the full blown anxiety attacks after getting on it. A couple of years ago I finally gave in and got a sleep aid (Trazodone 50 mg) as going without sleep is hard to function on. I tried everything, reciting scripture, prayer/meditation, having a schedule, no PC a couple of hours before bedtime, no eating three hours beforehand, Melatonin didn't help me, so am glad to have found something that works for me. Anxiety and Grief After Losing a Loved One Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping Thank you KayC. I am on an SSRI right now but I really don’t know if it’s doing any good. I will research Buspar and some other anti anxiety meds. I don’t have trouble sleeping....thank goodness. It seems like most of my anxiety happens during the day. The mornings and evenings are my calm time. I’m so thankful for your input. I’m feeling so much better with people reaching out to me with their common stories. It’s been bringing me peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rencors1 Posted April 22, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Diane R. E. said: Hello rencors1; I am so very sorry for your loss. Yes, what you are experiencing is perfectly normal when grieving the loss of your beloved partner in life. I too have been going through it. I also just had his memorial, even though he passed away last October. The memorial was perfect, and I had the support of many of my family as well Doug's two sisters. Every ones grief journey is unique, but what I experienced is that once the memorial was done, Doug's passing now feels so real. Of course my brain always knew that, but now the permanency of his death is hitting me and once again I feel the raw pain of grief. I too had Doug's memorial as a celebration of his life, and it was an awesome experience! Diane R. E., thank you for sharing your experience. I knew I wanted to do something special for my husband later on because of 1) covid and 2) the weather. I also really thought I’d be at a better place mentally by this time but I’m actually quite the opposite. I know it’s going to be a great celebration and I will be meeting people that he was close to but I never met in person. I think the idea of facing all these memories and having to meet new people under these circumstances is adding to my trepidation. Also, the idea that this will be the last tangible thing I will do for my husband is a heartbreaking thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gina Mahlan Posted April 22, 2021 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2021 Isn't it strange and a little scary, that feeling of going backwards? This last weekend I observed the first anniversary of Damon's passing. It's been a whole year since I last saw him and kissed him goodbye? What made it worse was he had been in Long Term Care and the Hospital before he passed, but both had been in lockdown, so I hadn't even seen him for a month before he was gone, just talking on the phone until he got too sick from the covid. My friends tried to console me saying, well at least he's been gone for almost a year, you've at least gotten used to be apart. What they didn't realize is seeing him every night until the lockdown, having dinner with him and then having to leave him, drew us so much closer than ever. He would call me 3 or 4 times daily, asking me how soon I was coming. Now, I feel guilty for the times I got impatient with him for calling so much....he would say I just want to hear your voice. I am beginning to have some good days where I can actually laugh or smile and I think I'm beginning to heal, but then a picture of him or even a piece of mail that comes addressed to him turns me into jelly once more. I have barely begun to start packing up his things, just some, the rest feel strangely comforting to me. I can not even remember those first few months without him, I must have walked around like a robot. I am retired, so no job to go to, but this pandemic wanted everyone to stay home and I preferred not seeing anyone anyway. I feel good now that I'm fully vaccinated and able to begin getting out more, but I am forcing myself to do that. But, those days of tears and missing him makes me wonder if I will ever get past this feeling of going backwards, not forward. Thanks for reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rencors1 Posted April 22, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2021 Thank you for sharing Gina. I was thankfully able to spend time with Daniel while he was in the hospital. He wasn’t conscious the entire time but I like to think he was aware of my presence and could still hear me. Sometimes this anxiety makes me feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. I know the only thing that would make it go away is him being here. Knowing that, I panic and wonder how I’m going to continue without him. It was 4 months yesterday and I wonder how I’ve come this far. I’m glad I found this forum because it reminds me I’m not alone and I can do this just like everyone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jmmosley53 Posted April 22, 2021 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2021 Hello Rencors, I know what you are feeling - when we did a Celebration of Life for my husband - I thought I would fall apart and need an ambulance to take me to the hospital. None of the bad stuff I imagined happened. It was a great experience, I loved other people telling me how much they loved and respected my husband. Most people will understand that you are stressed and make things as easy as possible. Remember - you are the widow, not the hostess. People most likely come to you to express their condolences. If things become too much - have someone drive you home. You are allowed to be emotional, you do not have to entertain people. Be sure and wear something comfortable - and walk into that celebration like the queen that you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ScotJ65 Posted April 22, 2021 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2021 4 hours ago, rencors1 said: The last couple weeks I have been having so much anxiety and can’t figure out why I am regressing. I feel like I’m moving backwards and it’s overwhelming at times. I know grief isn’t linear but I’m so scared it’s going to be overwhelming and I won’t be able to handle it. I think more than anything, I just want to know this is normal and I will get through it. I’ve never felt so weak or out of control in my life. Please accept my heartfelt sympathy on the loss of your husband. I too lost my partner last year (in November), she was only 54 and died of Huntingdon's. My world came crashing down. In the 5 months since then I've gone through every emotion in the book, and at times felt like I was broken beyond repair. I still am broken, but no longer think irreparably. It's overwhelming for sure, and something you shouldn't try and cope with on your own. Seek every bit of help you can. Counselling, medication, financial support. Whatever it takes. You will get through this, but it's going to take time. And always remember, we're all here for each other on this painful journey through grief. God willing, we'll get there. Take good care of yourself. James. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rencors1 Posted April 22, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2021 8 minutes ago, ScotJ65 said: Please accept my heartfelt sympathy on the loss of your husband. I too lost my partner last year (in November), she was only 54 and died of Huntingdon's. My world came crashing down. In the 5 months since then I've gone through every emotion in the book, and at times felt like I was broken beyond repair. I still am broken, but no longer think irreparably. It's overwhelming for sure, and something you shouldn't try and cope with on your own. Seek every bit of help you can. Counselling, medication, financial support. Whatever it takes. You will get through this, but it's going to take time. And always remember, we're all here for each other on this painful journey through grief. God willing, we'll get there. Take good care of yourself. James. Thank you for the encouraging words James. I realize how important it is to reach out and express how I’m feeling. Up to a couple weeks ago I was having more moments of peace than I was despair but the last couple weeks the physical anguish and uncontrollable sadness has been overwhelming. I’m thankful for all of your responses and it makes me feel like part of a community of strong people navigating through a similar situation as mine. I’m also thankful for my family and friends that are supporting me. It has been feeling like one moment at a time, instead of one day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gina Mahlan Posted April 22, 2021 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2021 There surely are many of us going through the same process. Look how many in the US have passed in the last year from covid alone. When I get really down, I try to remember I am not alone. So many families are going through the same grief as we are. Thank you all who offered me encouraging words. It helps every night to take Damon's picture and talk to him as though he was still here. That and talking to God as though Damon is by His side has really helped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted April 23, 2021 Members Report Share Posted April 23, 2021 rencors1, I also offer you my sympathies for the loss of your husband. I can relate to losing your partner so suddenly. It will be 6 months this Saturday that the love of my life passed away suddenly, just over a month that she was told she had cancer. I am still devastated and can't understand how she went so fast. My grieving is still very tough, as it goes up and down like a wave. The emptiness and loneliness is the toughest part for me. This forum has helped me understand that I'm not alone and all of us can relate to other's experiences. I hope it will help you as well, we are here for each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rencors1 Posted April 23, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted April 23, 2021 Sparky1 my heart goes out to you. I agree that this forum has really given me a lot of peace of mind. No one deserves to have to go through this but being here and reading the stories helps me realize that what I’m going through is normal. More than anything, that’s what I have needed. I’m thankful for everyone’s kind words and encouragement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 23, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted April 23, 2021 20 hours ago, Gina Mahlan said: What they didn't realize is seeing him every night until the lockdown, having dinner with him and then having to leave him, drew us so much closer than ever. He would call me 3 or 4 times daily, asking me how soon I was coming. Now, I feel guilty for the times I got impatient with him for calling so much....he would say I just want to hear your voice. Nothing prepares us for their death, not even anticipatory grief. Not being away from them, nothing. When that finality hits and with it all hope that they'll make it through this or come home, then we deal not only with their loss but also loss of all of our hopes and dreams for the future. That's a lot to swallow. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could change this for all of us, but alas all we can do is, listen, care, understand. Try to let go of the guilt feelings, we all go through it, it's like we go through all of the second guessing and what ifs in a way to find a different possible outcome, but there is none. None of us have the benefit of hindsight in the moment, we're human. Guilt and Regret in Grief Grief and the Burden of Guilt Freeing Yourself From Guilt, Blame and Shame - YouTube Address Guilt When Grieving Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.