Lost my mother suddenly, triggered my father's bipolar disorder

[teebtalk]

I lost my mother a month ago after she suffered a sudden and tragic brain aneurysm. She was a wonderful woman: kind, compassionate and intelligent; she was my moral compass and my greatest supporter. Yet she was cruelly snatched from this world, after a routine COVID vaccine, suddenly and alone in her apartment in India. It happened after being apart for over a year due to the pandemic - we hadn't seen her in over a year - how I wish we had been able to visit and care for her sooner! My memories of her smile, her smell, the feeling of a warm hug from her get foggier each day, and it's so painful to feel them slipping away.

Her life was a struggle. She lost her own mother when she was young. She had a messy separation from my father 10 years ago (although they never divorced) where he didn't provide her with access to their joint finances, so she struggled to make ends meet. She lived alone, and the loneliness and anxiety (particularly from 2020) were incredibly painful. I feel so much guilt for not being there for her and not doing more to financially and emotionally support her. I live halfway across the world in the United States (as an immigrant) while she didn't want to move out of India. 

We were barely able to cope with the loss and the grief before a new crisis struck. As soon as she passed, my father, who hasn't said a kind word to her in over 15 years, claimed to be stricken with grief over her passing. He has suffered from bipolar depression all his life, and this has now triggered a manic episode. He doesn't sleep: regularly has delusions, is suspicious of all those around him (including family), he's on the verge of losing his job, and recklessly purchasing items he can't afford. He refuses medical treatment. My sister and I are trying to get him to take his medications, but he is incredibly cruel and it is emotionally exhausting. Even spending time with him feels physically unsafe as he is driving recklessly (refuses to let us drive, and emotionally manipulates us to get in the car with him), tends to be verbally/physically abusive, has reckless sexual encounters with other women, which he openly talks about (one month after claiming to be grieving over the death of his wife). It's depressing to see him in this state, and an impossible task to be a grieving caregiver to someone who claims to not want any care.

I'm also so angry and frustrated. How could my father (who treated my mom so incredibly badly) add to our grief in this impossible time, and take away from the time that we NEED to grieve her loss? How can he make this about HIM when he did nothing but make her life a living hell? How can he live with himself for making this even harder on us? And yet, he's our last living family member. I know this is a disease and he can't control when these episodes are triggered, or be held accountable for his actions in a manic state. I want to avoid mistakes we made with my mother, not supporting her through tough times, and being there for her. I don't want to feel the same guilt if my father, in his manic state, does something reckless and loses his life.

It feels like an impossible choice - sit back, set boundaries, grieve, and let my last remaining parent suffer, live with that guilt. OR do my "duty" as a daughter, try to (thanklessly) support him and be there for him which may involve being subject to physical and verbal abuse and lack of emotional safety. This story seems so pathetic, it borders on being unbelievable. My family is in shambles. I don't know what to do and I feel so incredibly hopeless. This is my last effort -- maybe someone out there can offer something to help me get through this. 

[reader]

Dear teebtalk,

I am so sorry for your loss. Family dynamics are so hard during this sad and difficult time.

I know you only want to do what is right. I too felt like it was my job and duty and responsibility to help my parents. Do what you can but also know that sometimes we cannot save our parents from their own choices. There were times I felt very manipulated. 

I think I would focus on your grief for your mom for now. Your dad is a grown man and he too will have to take some responsibility for his own choices.

Thinking of you. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

[Nastassia]

Dear teebtalk,

I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m somewhat in a similar situation as I lost my mother less than a year ago and also have feelings of guilt. 
 

Im an immigrant and live far away and regret not visiting more often or increasing financial assistance I provided to my mom. She struggled and I feel she deserved more out of life than she had.
 

My father is the only family I have left. I didn’t speak to him for half a year and only started speaking to him after her death. I was angry at him for divorcing her and vanishing from her life and not providing any support after 18 years of marriage. 

I think he feels guilty too even if he is not saying it. I chose to be supportive of him and call him regularly because he is my parent after all. I didn’t not completely forgive him for the way he treated my mom and I don’t think I will. He is family though and I suggest you do the same.

Bipolar disorder is horrible and he needs medical help. My mother suffered from schizophrenia so I know. I’d make sure you are doing something to help even if it’s not perfect. It will make you feel better. 

Sending you my support.